bittersweet . . .

so i realized im kinda making my bf sound like a bad guy . & he's not .
he's really good to me . i know he would do anything for me and he loves
me but things fuck up & people make mistakes . that's life . just
putting that out there . . .

but anyways , today was my first day of school .
* sigh .
fucked up ass morning .
i got 3 hours of sleep .
i had morning sickness .
i left tha house late and had to halfway run to the busstop to make sure
i didn't miss the bus . then it rolls up .
and then im on it , with all these kids packed then a mtfcka but im like
okayy . this is how it was when i was in hs .
so then im ridin n ridin then i look up like where tf am i ?
i got on tha wrong fucking bus >:o
well TECHNECALLY , i got on tha right one but i didn't know it changed
bus routes .
it was 2 of tha same buses back to back and on stays the same and one
changes .
my dumb ass didn't know any of this n got on the wrong one .
resulting in me missing my first class .
right .
so im stuck on tha other side of riverside for about 35 mins . times
just a tickin .
i finally get to skool . buy me a orange juice aand wait for my next
class .
i was talking to this nice girl named shannon . she was sweet but yeaa
.
she's a little to square for my lifestyle .
she really into church n whatnot . and im not .
don't get me wrong ! church is cool . i believe in god . im just not
very very religious .
i smoke weed & have tha mouth of a 50 year old sailor lmao .
its not a good look . lol .
but yeaa . anyways . . .

soo today was a bittersweet day . more sad than happy .
as always .
me and my bf seperated .
yea =-o ! omg ! right . that's how i felt .
same reason as we broke up 3 months ago .
we live 40 miles apart . and he works a lot . & i have no car pluuus i
jus started skool so seeing each other is a pain in thee ass .
blah blah i heard it all before .

its whatever . I've learned aint shit what u make it .
you can make promises and say over and over how you want things to go .
but there's absolutely NO guarantess that it will .
that's life . and im soo over it .

im mad but im not . it is what it is . we were both unhappy bcus we
couldn't see wach other enough so i can't really force him to be unhappy
n stay with me just because i don't wanna be alone and single . its just
a title & i doubt very highly our relationship changes just because we
aren't "gf / bf" . we been thru too muchh .
now i don't have shit in my life but school . and that's still not a cup
of tea cus im missing 2 books . for 2 classes . ughhh .
gotdammit life is a pain n my ass .
i swear id trade in 10 years of my life just to see 5 years ahead into
my future .
just to know that i will be happy one day .
i dnt wwana fel how i do now in 5 years .
i doubt that very highly . lol .
but yeaa .
right now im feelin like fuck it .

lol @ bougie bitches .

smh .
so im posted at tha homegirl house upstairs frm my apt .
& her friend walks in & they're talking & she says .
who are all these ppl in your house ?
b i t c h !
THESE people !?
that's not how you refer to people in tha room you uppity ass biotch .
lol .
ugh .
i may be saddity but bitch i aint bougie .
& yes , there's a difference .

that is all .

shit never gets easiier .

im having one of my moments .
i feel like i only blog when im mad or crying .
& youuu guessed it ! im crying .
i can't help it .
i can be tha biggest bitch to other people && my feelings are made of
glass =/

im just . mad & sad & disappointed & confused .
i just want everything to work .
it never does .
like is that my fault ? is something wrong with me ?

i hate having bad relationship days . cus those are the only days i cry
& feel miserable . & i know i shouldn't let it but they affect my heart
the most .

i just talked to my boyf . very uncomfortable conversation . you knw
when ppl say they aren't mad but tha convo just feels that way ? like no
smiles . no laughs . short responses ?

i didn't even talk to him yesterday cus i didn't have any mins cus he
was supposed to buy me some . but kept forgetting . im wasn't really
trippin cus i know he was working really hard . but i was really hoping
he remembered so i didn't have to go thru this stage of dumbfounded
regret .

don't depend on anybody .
everyone says that , incl me !
so i don't . i don't ask anybody for shit .
its not in my nature .
so for my boyf to tell me if i need anything to jus ask .
idk i was like ok bt i never intended on askin for anything .
until i was gonna run outta mins n didn't have money to buy any .
i kept telling him . he kept forgetting .
he was wrking 12 hour shifts so i was like he's tired .
but i didn't wanna feel like dumb like i do now for asking for something
and not getting it .
i think i expect people to be like me and there not .
if my boyfriend asks me to so something ima do it . i might complain or
talk shit but ima get it done .
if u need something and i can do it . ima do it .
and that's never the situation for me .
i feel like maybe im too nice or something . cus im always feelin like
they don't wanna do the simplest things i ask . and i try not to let it
bother me but it does . it hurts my feelings .
like why would i do anything for u ? but when i ask i have to wait or
its not convienient .
i guess i set myself up for disappointment .
and i don't even ask for anything difficult .

am i mad he didn't get me mins ? kinda .
im more hurt . like idk . i really depended on that .
bt i guess that's my bad .

i bought my own outta my school money .
then when he signed on . i had o831o9 on my away bcus my ex asked me to
put something nice on my away cus he's leaving for basic training on tha
31st which coincidentally is the same day we met a year ago .
i took it down bcus i didn't want my man to get mad the first time we
talk since tha day before yesterday . & he called me out on it . which i
ddnt care bcus i don't have anything to hide from him . i jus didn't
want him to take it tha wrong way .
then i felt bad like why did that have to be tha 1st thing he saw . like
who cares cus i was jus being nice . but like a i miss my bby woulda
been nice . but i was still mad about nt havin mins .

our whole convo was dead . he said he wasn't mad but i jus felt tha
discomfort . he said he was goin to a pool party then my aim started
trippin n i signed off then bck on . told him it was . & he jus signed
off tho .

like no ill ttyl . no i love you . no nothin !

i just started crying . i have too many emotions . and like i keep
having deja vu of all the shit i hate . i just wanna talk . i wanna be
understood . but i guess now isn't the time . . .

just venting . no need for commentation . thanks .

past & future .

so , I've come to accept the fact .
everything you go through happens for a reason
in order to let yoour destiny fulfill itself .

so , stop tripping over the past .
things that didn't work .
things that did .
things you can't change .
and things that you did .

there's a reason for that outcome .
you just have to be patient long enough to understand why it did :)

45 odd things about me :)

another survey stolen via mr . micah :) , go follow he`s nice .
www.theindustryshakedown.blogspot.com .

1. do you like blue cheese - love it .

2. have you ever smoked - ganja :) .

3 . do you own a gun - moms does lol .

4. what flavor kool aid was your fav - grape/lemonade combo .

5. do you get nervous before doctors appts ? - nopee .

6. favorite xmas movie - this christmas , wait does that count ? lmao .

7. what do u think of hotdogs - ugh . nasty . jus like fckn bologna .

8. favorite thing to drink in the morning - water or juice .

9 . can u do pushups ? - psh . like 10 :-/

10 . what's your favorite piece of jewelry? - moms ring she gave me ,
sentimental value :)

11. favorite hobby - aiming =D . or sleeping lol .

12 . do you have a.d.d ? - do you ?

13 . what's one trait you hate about youself? - im lazy lol .

14 . middle name ? Phylicia :)

15 . name 3 things your thinking about right now - 1 . when's my mins
gonna run out , 2. when tf am i gonna fall asleep , 3 . is my bf gonna
remeber to buy my mins after wrk :( ?

16 . name 3 drinks you drink regularly - water . soda . saliva . lol .

17 . current worry - how tf am i gonna get 300$ to buy my last 2 books
.

18 . current hate right now - not living close enough to my bby :(

19 . fav place to be - somewhere in solitude .

20 . how did u bring in tha new year? - ummmm . i don't even remember .
oh wait . i was arguing with my ex bf on tha cpu . womp woomp ! lmao .

21 . where would u like to go ? - to your moms house =P

22 . name 3 ppl who will respond - some of my followers . & prolly micah
talkin some more shit lmao :D

23 . do you own slippers ? - nah cuhhh .

24 . wht color shirt are u wearing right now ? - blaack .

25 . do u like sleeping on satin sheets ?- only if the sex is tight !

26 . can u still whistle ? - i suree can .

27 . favorite color - bright shit .

28 . would u be a pirate ? - nah . id rather be a ghost .

29 . what songs do u sing in the shower - lol . none . unless i put a cd
on .

30. favorite girls name - kashmier . don't jock ma shit either ! im
namin ma daughter that :)

31 . favorite boys name - zyaire .

32 . what's in your pocket right now ? - i don't have any .

33 . last thing that made u mad ? someones blog .

34 . best bedsheets as a kid ? - 101 dalmations cuh !

35 .worst injury you ever had ? - broken hip . couldn't walk for 3
months :( .

36 . do you love where u live ? - hellll nahhh ! i wish someone would
blow this mtfcka off tha map !

37 . how many tv`s do u have in your house ? - do i count tha ones that
aren't plugged up ? lol .

38 . who is your loudest friend ? - lucky . she's crazy white girl
ghetto . lol .

39 . how many dogs do you have ? - ew . none .

40 . does someone have a crush on you ? - sheesh . should i count ? its
getting rediculous .

41 . what is your fav book ? - umm . the coldest winter ever ? I've read
over 50 books for fun . i don't remeber .

42 . what's your fav candy ? - sour gummy worms :)

43 . fav sports team ? - eh . don't have one . sooory .

44 . what do u want sang at your funeral ? - umm . when doves cry :]
lmao jp . i love prince . nigga idk ! who wanna pick a song for they
funeral !?

45 . odd things about you - im sweet as candy . cute as a button . and
the rudest bitch if i don't know you or care for you . im antisocial bt
i like to talk . i like to stay in solitude bt ill express my feelings
like free oxygen . oh & i love my boyfriend , ima marry him :)

bus ride .

soo ,
im bored on tha bus omw home from my school cus i had to go purchase my
books n pay my fees today cus it was the dealine so my classes wouldnt
get dropped .
so i was on a very low budget since my mom is on ssi & my dad is so
selfish and doesn't like to give his ONLY daughter any cashflow .

he sent me 300$ .
my books totaled 440$ .
right .
4 classes = 6 books .
six fuckin books >:o .
i had to pay my 27$ worth of fees soo .
i could only afford 4 out of 6 books .
right .
meaning i don't have a book for 2 of my classes .
* screams & cries .
wtffffff .
the 2 books im missing total about 300$ + if i can't find them used
somewhere . & that's IF and ONLY IF my dad forks out another 300$ . =/

my financial aid doesn't come til november 20 .
classes end december 18 .
isn't that convienient ?

ughh mann fuuuck .
theeeen after i stressed on this book shit .
i waited in the admissions line to get my id for about 40 mins to find
out there id system isDOWN>:o
like . WTF ! could they have put that on a big ass sign or mad an
announcement for the inconvience of all the mtfckin students standin in
100+ degree weather for this bitch ass school .

all this means is on my first day of skool .
which is monday tha 31st .
after my 2 classes i have to go back and wait AGAIN .
all so i can use my student id to ride the buss for FREE !
cus a all day pass cost 4$ and 20$ a week for the bus aint in my budget
.

i went to bed at 330 .
woke up at 10 .
im tired . its about 110 degrees outside .
there's this ratchet ass square / loser nigga wit some black like doc
martin style boots n a button up wit fuckin sword fish on it , a
messenger bag , some knock off gucci glasses n some cornrowsa tryna chop
it up with me .

* long sigh .

i hate having to be the rude bitch .
i was nice for about 5 mins just being humanly cordial .
til he started talkin about sprinkling water on me to "cool me down"

* blank stare .

spare me . i started blogging to keep myself occupied . then he says . "
so what game are u playing?" . like none nigga ! damn ! get out my shit
!

im sad cus ii can't talk to my bby cus he workin a 12 hour shift today .
545 am to 6 pm . which means i come 2nd priority after SLEEP . lol . :(
prolly wont talk to him til about 9 . ughhh im sooo stresssed :(

i need some anxiety meds .
I'll be str8 around november , money wise .
hopefully skool doesn't stress me out to tha n-th degree .
i have a headache . & on top of that im sweating . ugh .
ill bbL .

update .

lmao .
im good .
actually laughing at myself for how bipolar i look :(
but i really felt like that at that point and time .
so i don't feel sorry for how i felt . buuut ,
thank you to micah :) for that comment cus yea , i agree . things aren't
really as serious now that i look at it . im good .

on that note , im nott bipolar . well at least i dnt think i am :-/ . im
happy . and have a nice night ! goodnite !

emptyness .

i hate life .
no if`s and`s but`s about it .
can't nobody convince me that i don't , becus i do .
im depressed and i force myself to smile everyday .
i disappoint all the people that naturally make me happy .
its like im cursed to never be happy .
i don't even wanna go over the events that happened last nite but it was
a big mess .
i was supposed to see my baby and shit fucked up .
i knew when it took him a hour to make a15min drive something wasn't
right .
my first thoughts ?

1. he got lost .
2 . he gotta ticket .
3. he went bkc to sleep and never left .

i was mad last nite bcus yet again i was sittin there looking and
feeling stupid bcus he never came .
[deja vu frm my last relationship ]
i cried the whole way back home just wondering why the same shit always
happens to me .
why shit never works out correctly .
why shit always has to fuck up .

i popped 2 benadryls last nite so id actually be able to sleep .
secretly wishing id have a heartattack and die in my sleep . but instead
waking up to a email frm him tellin me he was mad at me bcus he couldn't
find me last nite and he got pulled over and he had work in tha morning
. ect .

so instead of being mad at the fact i thought i got faked on . i
instantly felt bad and stupid . i wish i never went out there under
those circumstances . i wish i wouldnt have begged him to come get me
from somewhere he didn't know how to get to . and now he has to pay for
a ticket he could've avoided . just adding more things onto a list of
problems he already has . i feel like shit . i can't ever do anything
right .

i was tempted to jus say he didn't have to be with me and could be with
someone else cus i don't do anything but disappoint the people i love .
im trying so hard not to cry while im writing this but my eyes are
filled up with tears . i hurt .
my heart burns .
my soul aches .
and most of the time i wish i was dead .
i feel like everyone would be happier without me in there presense .
its like im just of waste of space always causing problems and
inconvienences for other people .

and i have to sit here and act like im all happy go lucky cus i have to
go to ma moms husbands bday party at his sister house . and he keeps
complaining cus i dnt wanna tlk and my moms getting mad at me like "fix
your scales , angelica " like why tf can't i just be left alone .

im not in the mood to be happy and laugh and celebrate . yesterday the
worst day of my life for about 5 reasons . im tired . and i hate life .
i guess i should be grateful i have a life . or that i still have a
boyfriend for that matter . but id rather not have a life and he's mad
at me and doesn't even wanna talk to me .

well i guess im done crying and venting .
and spare me tha it'll be ok commnts cus i wont be happy til my life is
back together . and at this point im feelin really far from it .

go Hard or go homeeee .

someone called me devious today .
couldn't have been a better choice of word .

lmao .
im NOT soft !
i don't sympathize over time i get more ruthLess !
i go Hard on hoes & niggas btw ,
ask about jellie .

that is all >:)

public service announcement .

this psa is a shouutout to all the men in the world that are straate
bitches !
bitch niggas . nigga bitches . whatever you wanna call em .
i hate them .
a fuckin disgrace to mankind .
i hate a man that isn't a man .
not man enough to hold that title proudly .
niggas that do bitch shit included .

i just had to throw that out there cus i can't fuckin stand my moms
husband . if there was a bitch ass people club , he would be the
president . smh .
his m.o ?
whine . complain . bitch . complain . whine . bitch .
GET OVER YOURSELF !
he`s a fucking leech . leeching off my mom .
how she fell in lovee with him is beyond me , but hey that's her man .
she gotta deal with him .
i refuse .
todays his birthday and he's been moping around and complaining all day
.
wanna throw a big bitch fit because my sister went to jack in the box
and didn't buy him anything .
lmao ! are you kidding me ? nobodies obligated to spend THEIR money on
YOU . birthday or not .
i thought it was funny .
im such a rude ass bitch . so ruthless ! i love it ! >:]
im sorry but i don't condone men acting like females , nor self pitying
themselves for sympathy .
bitch , i don't sympathize !
lmao .
im cooold . yeaaa , so be it . i like it this way .
i could do without anyones presence in MY presence .
shit , i enjoy my solitude . call me a loser . call me a loner . yep !
im allla that AND a bag a chips and 3 cookies nigga !
i digress :)

men that act , condone , emulate any type of female activity .
is a BITCH .
that's a no go .
i support a man . A MAN .
if you have no pride in that , hm . shame !

just a thought . . .

what was once present here ,
no longer exists .
relish the memories .

update - august twentienth , three thirty three am .

soooo , i realized im getting back into the habit of late night blogging
when i get bored =/
ahh , w.e i figure i have 210 followers and i have to keep you guys
entertained somehow correct ?
cus for some reason i think i follow like 80-90 people and only tha same
15% post regularly .
* blank stare .
HELLLOOOOO ! come baaack !
smfh .
my computer may be outta commission and i can't leave comments from my
phone but a bitch still reads at leeast 3 times daily !
i love my blogs :) so with that said im gonna drop a feww of tha newest
blogs i follow 'unofficially' because i haven't been on tha cpu to
follow them . BUT they ARE bookmarked and saved in my phone :) & most of
them follow me ! HI NEW FOLLOWEE`s :) !

[no specific order .]

1. Colliquial Language [thinkgohard.blogspot.com] .
2. Life and Times of Beanz [coreybeanz.blogspot.com] .
3. REGGIE [reggieiscrazy.blogspot.com] < i missed ur blog too ! .
4. A Man's Thoughts [tjbytheway.blogspot.com] .
5. The BabyDaddy Diaries [babydaddydiaries.blogspot.com] .
6. The Gold Safety Pin ! [goldsafetypin.blogspot.com] .
7. The Industry Shakedown [theindustryshakedown.blogspot.com] .

NOW . if you are not following these blogs you have no sense of humor or
intellect =P yea i said it !

now on to more typical of posts , my fascinating bt stressful life :)
my relationship is going good , besides minor arguments that have been
happening damn near this wholeee week ! but hey . that's a relationship
for ya .
where's tha love if there's no arguments ? that's my baby & im happy .

ex ? we're good , for the most part . he finally accepted the fact im in
another relationship . so yeaa . that's cool . [ sidenote : i only post
about him still cus i know yall be wondering . boyf gets annoyed now lol
sry babe ]

school starts on thee 31st . which is 11 days & i still have tooo ;

a) get my dad to send me 300$ [or somn close to that amount] for my
books .
b) go buy my books & pay my health & student fees [total:27$] .
c) go get my i.d & go to fuckin wells fargo and correct my account where
this dumb bitch forgot the "e" in angelica ! smh . [yea yea , i
should've noticed , so what i didn't , sue me .]
d) did anybody pay attn to tha fact i have 0$ to my name ? and have been
unemployed since 2oo8>:o !!! [recession MY ASS , this is a DEPRESSION
!]

then on top of alllllll that . i have NO clothes and like 3 pairs of
shoes * teardrop . financial aid willll be nice ! too bad that shit
doesn't even touch my bank account til the END of NOVEMBER .

ugh . guess i wont be a cool kid my 1st year of college lmao . this is
worse then high school . lmao at least i stayed wit new shit every
couple weeks .

ahhh , i miss those days . . .

so considering i wont be anyone interesting since im broke n clothesless
, im at least happy i have a boyf so boys are irrelevant by faar ,
especially since i don't talk to boys that live in this area of southern
cali . [ inland empire KILLA! ; i lovee LA boyyyssss :D]
nothing but school , school , & more school to focus on !
my goal this semester is a 3.0 . i averaged a 3.33 in hs .
but i DID have a 4.0 for 2 semesters my junior year !

* don't sleep on ya girl ! 8-) ima beaast in tha books !

but um yeaa , this post is getting lonnng . as most of my posts are
which is amusing that i have 210 ppl who actually read my ramblings ,
MUCH appreciated :)
especially since i don't supply alotta pictures for yall to look at ,
beside myself >>im NOT conceited NOR celf-centered . but its MY blog and
yall mtfckas need to see me when im talkin ! :) its not like im ugly or
anything . well im hoping not , in anyones opinion lmao .and if you
think i am FUCK YOU ! and on that note , have a nice night :)

abc `s of me :)

i seen this on a blog i follow , i like shit like this . lol . im suchaa
dork ! enjoy :)

A - age : twenty .

B - bedsize : couch :( lmao .

C - chore you hate : dishesss >:o

D - dog's name : non existent .

E - essential start of your day item : cellular device :)

F - favorite color - anything bright or catchy .

G - gold or silver - goooold !

H - height : five feet , three inches .

I - instruments you play(ed) : violin .

J - job title : unemployed . . . .student .

K - kids : psh . no time soon .

L - living arrangements : mom's living room .

M - moms name : Belita .

N - nicknames : jellie :) . [since birth btw 8-) ]

O - overnight hospital stay besides birth : hip surgery . twice .

P - pet peeve : getting dressed and not going anywhere .
Q - quote from a movie : "witchaa bitchhass !" ; t.i. - ATL . [fav movie
ever !]
R - real shit : lifes a bitch . . .& then you die .

S - siblings : one sister . 7 years my senior .

T - time you wake up : anytime betwn 9am & 1pm .

U - underwear : boyshorts . always .

V - vegetables you dislike : mushrooms .

W - ways you run late : procrastination =/

X - xrays youve had : hm lets see , arm , hand , hip , foot , knee .
Y - yummy food you make - chicken tacos :)

Z - zoo favorites : i hate animals . i fkcs w. aquariums .

late night breakdown .

im still mad .
mad that i can't even express myself tha way i need to .
i can't blog properly .
but i need to get this out .
im not confused .
i know what i want . who i want . who i need .
i have that person .
after the hurricane I've been thru .
ad i can say i don't wanna hurt him . because he's did nothing but love
me . and yea he hurt me that one time . but i know in my heart he didn't
mean it .
i can give him that chance . i gave my ex about a million .

but as im sitting here going over my last relationship .
i can't help but be mad .
james would kill me . going to kill me . cus i know he's gonna read this
.
he says " he's not your priority anymore " .
i agree .
but i will admit little shit still gets to me .
that i can't control .
i can't , don't , nor do i want to go into what happened tonite .
i could careless at this point .
just . . .justification i made the right choice .
at some point i have to realize that he never cared the way he said he
did .
it pisses me off that i know but its so hard for my heart to comprehend
.
i can't be be mad at anybody but me but im not . im mad at him . i think
i really hate him .
and if i don't i dispise him .
i feel like the biggest idiot on earth .
11 months wasted .
on lies . broken promises . ect ect .
whatever .
best thing that ever happened to me ?
i met someone who really loved me .
and yea that mightve hurt him .
but at the end of the say he has to remeber he pushed me away and lost
me .
i don't apologize for leaving him . it was destined to happen .
i can't say i regret our relationship because i learned a lot . that was
my longest relationship ever . the first person who ever said they loved
me and i actually believed they meant it for once .
but now that i have someone that's trying to love me the way i should've
been .
im seeing for the 1st time how it was wrong n so many ways that i could
never understand .
you can never change anybody .
you can never make anyone love you .
you can pour your heart out and cry the world ,
bt at the end of the day , if he don't love you the same its gonna
crumble .
i seen so many signs . so many red flaga in our relationship . but being
in love meant i was being blind .
my brain was on a totally different flow .
first thought ? he LOVES me .
smh .
always .
that was always the first thing .
til i sat one day and realized that was the only reason i was holding on
.
i wouldnt let go because i felt if i lost him .
i lost love .
like i wouldnt feel it again .
when i had someone else trying to love me but i couldn't register in
mymind that if i let go of one .
someone else would still love me . if not more .
idk . everything is just making sense i guess .
it shouldn't be this difficult .
but no one ever said movingon was easy .
unless of course , u didn't care . & i , cared entirely way to much .
and ill say . im sorry .
and i do feel bad for hurting zahkeem . even tho he put me thru hell .
cus i know i hurt him with tha whole james situation . and i never
wanted to . bt he'll never understand . he fails to comprehend his
mistakes that pushed me away . and i can't make him see that . he'll
always be in his selfish ways . he lives for him and no one else .
and i do still feel bad for hurting james . because he doesn't nothing
but make me smile . and zahkeem hates it . he always calls him " perfect
" . lol but james isn't perfect . he jus didn't make the mistakes you
made . i appreciate james for everything . and i love him for the person
that he is . i love him for loving me and all the things i don't like
about me . i love him because he makes me happy . i can't say he'll
never hurt me . bcus its happened at one point . but i can say he'll
never hurt me with intention . he'll never try to treat me a certain way
bcus he knows ilhim . and he'll never not keep his word as a man . bcus
he is one .
i could've stayed with z .
but our relationship wouldve deteriorated on its own .
whether james was in the picture or not .
because z can love but he`s not readyto emotionally commit hisself . and
i know i did everything in my power to be the perfect gf . fuck that i
WAS the perfect gf . so i can never sit and blame myself for us breaking
up .
even tho i ended it . i couldn't suppress myself any longer .
maybe one day he'll understand . maybe he wont .
but i no longer have anytime in my day to try to make him see .
i have a new man in my life . not really new lol . but he's been here
thru everything .
and i appreciate him being here with me through it all n listening . and
loving me regardless .
and ill do the same for him until further notice .

moral of this vent ; love isn't what u make it . you can't make love .
it makes you . love is always selfless . never selfish . but ALWAYS love
yourself first ! because at the end of the day , love don't love nobody
but itself .

late night breakdown .

im still mad .
mad that i can't even express myself tha way i need to .
i can't blog properly .
but i need to get this out .
im not confused .
i know what i want . who i want . who i need .
i have that person .
after the hurricane I've been thru .
ad i can say i don't wanna hurt him . because he's did nothing but love
me . and yea he hurt me that one time . but i know in my heart he didn't
mean it .
i can give him that chance . i gave my ex about a million .

but as im sitting here going over my last relationship .
i can't help but be mad .
james would kill me . going to kill me . cus i know he's gonna read this
.
he says " he's not your priority anymore " .
i agree .
but i will admit little shit still gets to me .
that i can't control .
i can't , don't , nor do i want to go into what happened tonite .
i could careless at this point .
just . . .justification i made the right choice .
at some point i have to realize that he never cared the way he said he
did .
it pisses me off that i know but its so hard for my heart to comprehend
.
i can't be be mad at anybody but me but im not . im mad at him . i think
i really hate him .
and if i don't i dispise him .
i feel like the biggest idiot on earth .
11 months wasted .
on lies . broken promises . ect ect .
whatever .
best thing that ever happened to me ?
i met someone who really loved me .
and yea that mightve hurt him .
but at the end of the say he has to remeber he pushed me away and lost
me .
i don't apologize for leaving him . it was destined to happen .
i can't say i regret our relationship because i learned a lot . that was
my longest relationship ever . the first person who ever said they loved
me and i actually believed they meant it for once .
but now that i have someone that's trying to love me the way i should've
been .
im seeing for the 1st time how it was wrong n so many ways that i could
never understand .
you can never change anybody .
you can never make anyone love you .
you can pour your heart out and cry the world ,
bt at the end of the day , if he don't love you the same its gonna
crumble .
i seen so many signs . so many red flaga in our relationship . but being
in love meant i was being blind .
my brain was on a totally different flow .
first thought ? he LOVES me .
smh .
always .
that was always the first thing .
til i sat one day and realized that was the only reason i was holding on
.
i wouldnt let go because i felt if i lost him .
i lost love .
like i wouldnt feel it again .
when i had someone else trying to love me but i couldn't register in
mymind that if i let go of one .
someone else would still love me . if not more .
idk . everything is just making sense i guess .
it shouldn't be this difficult .
but no one ever said movingon was easy .
unless of course , u didn't care . & i , cared entirely way to much .
and ill say . im sorry .
and i do feel bad for hurting zahkeem . even tho he put me thru hell .
cus i know i hurt him with tha whole james situation . and i never
wanted to . bt he'll never understand . he fails to comprehend his
mistakes that pushed me away . and i can't make him see that . he'll
always be in his selfish ways . he lives for him and no one else .
and i do still feel bad for hurting james . because he doesn't nothing
but make me smile . and zahkeem hates it . he always calls him " perfect
" . lol but james isn't perfect . he jus didn't make the mistakes you
made . i appreciate james for everything . and i love him for the person
that he is . i love him for loving me and all the things i don't like
about me . i love him because he makes me happy . i can't say he'll
never hurt me . bcus its happened at one point . but i can say he'll
never hurt me with intention . he'll never try to treat me a certain way
bcus he knows ilhim . and he'll never not keep his word as a man . bcus
he is one .
i could've stayed with z .
but our relationship wouldve deteriorated on its own .
whether james was in the picture or not .
because z can love but he`s not readyto emotionally commit hisself . and
i know i did everything in my power to be the perfect gf . fuck that i
WAS the perfect gf . so i can never sit and blame myself for us breaking
up .
even tho i ended it . i couldn't suppress myself any longer .
maybe one day he'll understand . maybe he wont .
but i no longer have anytime in my day to try to make him see .
i have a new man in my life . not really new lol . but he's been here
thru everything .
and i appreciate him being here with me through it all n listening . and
loving me regardless .
and ill do the same for him until further notice .

moral of this vent ; love isn't what u make it . you can't make love .
it makes you . love is always selfless . never selfish . but ALWAYS love
yourself first ! because at the end of the day , love don't love nobody
but itself .

august sixteenth , eleven thirty four pm .

blah .
i feel sick .
this whooole day SUCKED !
lets seeee .
woke up talked to thaa boo .
he signed off * in the middle of tha convo .
never came back .
this was around uh 1145am ish .
soo , i say whatever . go baack to sleep .
i figure whatever ill jus sleep til he comes back so
i sleep til i can't anymore and get up at 3 .
decide to go to my neighbors house cus i need to print out my schedule
at skool to get my books .
& i of course , no longer have a damn cpu .
soo , she's not there so i go back home & make me some food .
i eat , i get bored . i lay back down .
& i go back to sleep . i wake up its 5 somn .
i go back to sleep .
i hear my phone and wake up to see "bby " ."bbyy "
so its now 7 ish .
im irritated that he's been gon all day n he says the cpu shut off on
him . * his shit always be trippin , raggety ass shit lol .
then his moms came over to spend tha day with him .
sooo , i wasn't as mad as i wouldve been .
but nonetheless still annoyed .
so they still had to go out to dinner .
which i appreciate he even told me what happened . but im mad at the
fact he had to leave again .
i shouldn't even be mad .
but that's jus me . lol . i jus miss him i guess .
he NEED to get his phone fixed ! yes nigga i said it !
lol .
but anywways . its 1142 . and at this point im feelin like ill probably
not hear from him til morning .
in which . he will get to deal with my 2 day worth attitude :)
but yea .
not that anything i said was even relevant .
im jus bored . bout to braid my lil cuzin hair since he finally fell
asleep . that lil nigga tenderheaded like a muhfucka ! lol .
but yea . . ..be back whenever .

ps . - i neeed seeexxxxxxx . :-/ lmaooo .
not that yall caare but damn .
im not even gon blast myself on how long its been . but uhh . celibacy
aint noo joke .
hopefully i wont be for too much longer ;) we'll seeee . bye !

august fourteenth two thousand nine .

- 1st time goin to tha strip club .
- nite out from hell >:o .
- i was cute tho :)

so . .

im thinking lol .
i have 21o followers and everything i talk about is sad .
so either you guys enjoy my misery . love hearing me complain . or im
not tha only person going thru this crazy shit .
i really appreciate everyone that listens [reads] especially considering
that i don't know yall lol .
yall tight tho !
but um ima post a more typical post today .
i went up to my skool to get some paperwork out tha way for my financial
aid n althought they already gave me my award that shit don't get
disbursed til NOVEMBER2oTH ! whaat thee fuuck !
smfh . classes start on tha 31st & i have to register for my classes
tommw .
i have a 300$-$600 boardofgovernorsfee award that i could use to pay for
classes til my fanancial aid kicks n but got daamn ! a bitchh gotta eat
! lmao . jp .
but nahh she said i might have to pay for my book outta pocket likeee .
bitch if i had money to pay outta pocket i wouldnt even have financial
aid . smh .
so im lookin forward to november2oth :-D .
hopefully i get alllll my mooneeey ! yesss !
well if i do have to come outta pocket it wont be mines .
ill be calling daddy dearest , * smirk .
and he better fork it out .
homie don't play that shit !
shooooot .
but besides that , im excited about skool :)
i love learning because knowledge is endless & nobody can take it away
!
it mighta took a bitchh a extra 3 years to get her shit together but im
hereee ! and im ready to get shit poppin ! cheeea ! lmao . im suchaa
nerd .
only thing im NOT looking forward to . . .ESSAYS & RESEARCH papers !
ugh . don't get me wrong , cus ima reader & writer . I've always
excelled n that area . always got A`s in englishh .
but i like to jus write freely . fuck guidelines and proper presentation
. lol .
i digresssss .
lol . i always do that shit . lmao .
im bout to relax and watch a movie with my mommy .
the pursuit of happyness :) i hope my son comes out that cute ! will
smiths son is sooooo adorable !
im bout to make somn to eat .
that is all .

oh & btw , someone picked up the pieces & put them back together :)
details at a later date !

douuble thaa trouublee .

got my heart broke 2 days in a row .
i have tha best luck don't i ?
can't even cry cus im numb .
ill feel that shit in about a hour .
when it slaps tha shit outta me .
& i cry for about a hour goin over coulda shoulda woulda`s .
i fucked myself over bt
i can seriously say i feel heartless .
that shit is gone .
shattered n a billion pieces .
and who's gonna put it back together ???
nobody .
bcus nobody cares abt angelica`s heart .
& im not .
cus id be better off without it .
i wanna say i hate you cus that's how i feel .
but im not . cus i don't think i do . but im not sure yet .
im speechless .
i can't believe this happened .
well actually i can .
i knew it was gon happen and that's why i can't feel shit .
i call it like i see it .
and im not gonna blame it on love .
but yes i am .
fuck love . im through with that emotion .
it always ends tha same way . . . in h e a r t b r e a k .

amusement park Closed .

i been on this rollercoaster for 11 month and 11 days .
im sick . of going thru tha saaame shit over & over & over .
im done . i could continue to try .
& i know that if we tryedd reeeeally hard .
we could be perfect .
BUT .
i shouldn't have to try that hard . it should be easy .
like my sisters grandmother said ,

" if you have to try extra hard for a relationship to work , its not
worth it . love comes naturally . "

and although i feel our love is natural . and its already there so were
not working towards love . were working hard to keep it .
im trying way too hard to keep our relationship to my satisfaction .
when we first got together we never argued . then when they started i
tryed to avoid them by always apologizing . or taking tha blame . even
tho he`d admit when he was wrong even tho i made him be right . i
admired that .
now we argue practically everyday . there is no avoiding it . tough love
? i no longer care whether he's mad . im mad too shit !
i wont even get into why were not talikng anymore bcus im not gonna put
his business out on here although he already hates tha fact i put our
relationship on blast on here 0>:-D
but anywhoo . i think it could be the end . he apologized and i wanted
to accept n take him back but i couldn't . that would be contradicting
what i keep tellin myself NOT to do . smh .
its crazy . cus no matter what he does to me . i always forgive him and
give him another chance . smh @ myself . its a love thing . i guess .
i mean . i forgive him for what he did this time .
im just not taking him back .
i need to try something else .
i know me and him could work . but i don't feel like right now is tha
right time .
he's not ready .
idc how many times he tells me he is cus he's not showing me .
who knows maybe if he matures n tha future and one day we run into each
other and tha oppurtunity is right sparks a fly again & we could be back
together .
cus ill prolly never stop loving him .
bt only tha future knows .
til thenn im doin me and doin what makes ME happy :)

& we all know what makes me happy ;)

august eighth two thousand nine .

- weak ass day .
- bt it was my mommy`s 53rd birthday :-* ily mama .

i decided . . .

im putting me first .
it should've always been that way .
but im more selfLess then selfish .
im assuming that's a bad qualityy .?

so instead of continuing in this soap opera reality ,
I've decided no matter what my love will never die .
real love never dies .
& i can live with that cus i know ill never lose that .

so im taking this one day at a time & im doing what makes me happy .
i can't satisfy everyone and myself .
so i need to stop trying .
trying to solve the equation of love will drive you mad .
& i`d like to keep my sanity .
so on that note .
im single . im happy . & i wanna keep it that way :)

i fkcs w. me :)

because . . .
I will never fail ME .
I will never disappoint ME .
I will never deceive ME .
I will never leave ME .
I will never disrespect ME .
I will never step on ME .
I will never underestimate ME .
&& I will ALWAYS love ME , regardless .

emotions .

i haaate being emotional .
i hate it .
im too sensitive .
too nonchalant .
too insensitive .
too hurt .
too mad .
too sad .
too much !
i hate it .
and when it happens its just extreme .
i can't help it .
its just how i feel .
i do shit without thinking .
or well i think about it .
i just don't think long enough to think of tha repercussions of my
actions .
i just noticed im very jealous .
and never used to be .
not jealous of things liike other people .
but jealous of tha people i like givin attention to other girls .
i shouldn't be that way but i am .
im selfish .
i want all your attention . and all your time .
all your affection and all your conversation .
all your love and all your care .
period .
i don't wanna share u .
i don't mind you talkin to other bitchhes .
but if i feel like im on a pedestal don't break my shit by letting me
know im not tha only one .
cus then that jealousy bcomes insecurity .
why ?
why should i be jealous or insecure for that matter ?
cus of my past .
cus im always tha one to get left or played for someone else .
cus im too nice and too passive .
cus im too sensitive to let myself get hurt .
so then i get mad and angry cus im mad about tha situation .
its all a cover up tho
im mad because i AM hurt . . . .

august fifth two thousand nine .

just got done reading my daily blogs for tha hour .
deep in thought .
so im choosing to just write out tha thoughts as they come to my head
instead of trying to explain what's going through my head .
its way too complicated to sort out .
so i apologize if my thoughts get jumpy .

im single .
not what i wanna be but tha reality of things .
he broke up with me . we got bkc together then i broke up with him .
i thought about our relationship .
all eleven months .
i love him but i was disappointed in all tha disappointments i
remembered .
maybe i should've let them all go .
but that wasn't even why i broke up with him .
he made me mad with tha "idgaf" attitude .
he thinks i don't wanna accept tha fact he's not going to change tha
things i don't like that he still does .
but it isn't that i don't wanna accept it .
i could deal . i just feel like i shouldn't have to .
we ben on and off for 11 months and he still does things that i tell him
i hate .
it isn't about me not accepting him , that's an excuse for him not
respecting what i don't like . and not caring .
i realized everytime i ask him for something . i have to ask more than
once .
not even twice . like til tha point IM getting annoyed asking and don't
even wanna ask anymore .
smh .
but what hurt me tha most was when i asked him ,
" what's tha most important thing in a relationship to you ?"
now me being me , im thinking he's gonna say love or trust maybe even
sex shit , something along those lines .
his response ?
" ME ."
noo , not me , angelica .
me , as in himSELF .
?
am i tha only one dishearted by that ?
like i felt stupid af .
why do i make this nigga my world .
my heart .
my everything .
i do whatever to keep him happy .
and tha most important thing to him is pleasing HIM ?
selfish ass bastard .
lol . likee . wtf .
im tha love of his life . the girl his been claiming to love for tha
past 11 months .
but im not important ?
maybe im taking it tha wrong way .
cus i didn't expect him to say that i was tha most important thing . but
i was definately taken aback by tha fact he said him .
i felt like what was i there for if im not even important ?
i think i jus expect him to love me tha way i wanna be loved and i have
to face tha fact he never will .
i wont ever say he don't love me . cus he does .
he's just not tha same as he used to be .
he did everything when we were first in love bcus it was that beginner
stage , tha "honeymoon stage" if you will like my homie dizzy was sayin
in his blog . those beginning months came n went .
i feel like we been thru so much n keep comin back . that he feels he
doesn't have to try anymore because he knows i love him enough to come
back . which isn't true .
im tired .
i love him enough to come back .
but not if he can't pull it together .
if he can't do what he needs to do then ill stay single .
simple as that .
and you can't tell him anything cus let him tell it , im leaving him for
james .

** mind you ; he broke up with me cus he read my previous blog before
this n said i couldn't be trusted .

but anyways .
i can be trusted . i can't help how i feel .
i had no intentions of tha situation that transpired .
i wouldve never imagined id be in a situation like this .
its crazy & stressful to say tha least .
i feel better now that im single not because i can talk to both of them
. even tho i can but because i don't feel like im wrong .
im single and i still can't find direction .
i have no idea what to expect . cus nothing ever goes as planned which
is why i stopped planning shit .
i don't wanna plan shit .
cus to be honest i feel like im fighting a losing battle .
no matter what im going to lose .
what's gonna happen when Z leave for basic training then his term in
sept ? where is are relationship gonna go ? no clue .
what's gonna happen in january when its family time for james ?
where is our relationship gonna go ? especially if he chooses to be with
her ?
im scared . & idk why .
cus im single now so i shouldn't fear loneliness .
im always alone anyways .
i fear losing who i love .
and regardless , i have to choose one or the other . or neither . but
whatever choice i make im scared to lose tha other one . or let them go
far . not as though i wnna be with them . but just outta my life .
& I've considered myself selfish for that .
i know . i know . so shoot me .
i wont get too deep cus yall don't understand n it jus seems to cause
more problems for me .
i just wanted to get some shit out my head .
so on that note , im bout to watch this movie w. my mother & kickback
:)

ta ta for now ! OH & hiiii NEW FOllERWERS ! yaaay ! i passed 200 !
that's huuge ! i loveee all of you guyss ! thanks for reading even tho
half of yall don't comment >:o ! lmao . be back soon ! mwaaa !