farewell my lovee ,

[siqhh .]
thiss bloqq hass nothinqq to do withh everyonee elsee
&& everythinq to do withh my first REAL && last lovee .
thiss is to himm .
thesee are my final wordss .
i dont evenn know where to start .
ive literally been thinkinq for hourss && hourss .
about what im qonna say , && how im qonna say it .
so manyy thouqhtss && soo manyy memoriess .
i just dont understandd yuu . . .

it took four monthss for yuu to fall inn && out of lovee .
all the thinqss yuu told me .
all the thinqss i believedd .
all the thinqss i did .
all the thinqss yuu did .
so many memoriess .
&& now its just ,
over .

im not qonna tell yuu anythinqq yuu already know .
yuu know how i feel about yuu so theress no need to repeat myself .
i just never thouqht we would end for this reasonn .
i never thouqht yuu would feel , how yuu feel .
im not qonna talk shit about her ,
bcuss i dont know her . && maybee she doess somethinq i dont .
bt onee thinq i can promisee yuu tht she cant do ,
is lovee yuu likee i lovee yuu .
no onee cann .
myy lovee for yuu is likee ;
a mother && childd , qrandmother && qrandchildd :
never endinq .
every word , sentencee , thinq i ever toldd yuu i was alwayss
150% reall withh yuu .
id ridee for yuu && id diee for yuu .
&& i still wouldd ,
till the day i diee .

my biqqest problem ,
or well ,
hardest thinq for me to try and understand is whyy yuu lied to me soo
muchh durinq tht time yuu kneww yuu didnt wanna be with me anymoree .
we hadd tht conversationn , where i toldd yuu
i was scaredd cuss i had faith we'd make it , bt i was scared we wouldnt cuss of all my previous relationshipss didnt . i told yuu i jus wanted to be with yuu forever .
&& yuu listened ,
&& your response , "i wanna be wit you forever too."
knowinq that you didnt .
smh .
whyy do me like tht ?
im listeninq to you complete me [keyshia cole] .
&& you told me to listen to it .
i wishh i never did .
i remember everythinq yuu wrotee onn your paqee word for word .
beforee yuu deleted it .
i believedd everythinqq you ever told mee .
was i beinq naivee to trust the only person i love ?
how do yuu lovee someonee "moree thann anythinq" ,
bt walk away ?

yuu kneww yuu were the most important thinqq inn my lifee .
&& your selfishh wayss jus said , fuck me && how i felt .
or maybee yuu just dont really care=/
i wishh i kneww what i did wronq .
i wishh you wouldve told mee when thinqss started chanqinq so
i couldve tryedd to save myself .
bt maybee it was inevitablee .

&& as biqq as a crybby as i am
lol .
i havent really cryedd til i started typinq this .
i havee so muchh to try to express && i wishh you would understand .
bt no sonq could explain it .
no person .
not evenn the wordss im typinq can explainn or express how i feel .
i just wishh i could show youu .

all i ever wanted to do was lovee you .
&& i do .
bt you dont want my lovee anymoree.
&& i thought you would never stop wantinq it .
&& i quess im jus foolishh for believinq nothinq could ever qo wronq .

im not qonna beq for yuu to comee back .
im not qonna wishh you lovedd me moree .
cus what yuu dont want someonee elsee will right ?

i went out last nitee ,
&& yuu know i forgot what it was likee to havee niqquhs in my facee tryna get what they
couldnt havee .
bt really ,
they could havee it .
&& i met this really nicee quy .
he madee me smilee && everythinq .
bt in every silencee of our conversationn .
i couldnt help bt think of yuu =/
&& thts how i kneww it wasnt time for me to movee onn just yet .

yet .
im not qonna up && find a new niqquh ,
cus to be honest im still in lovee withh yuu .
bt ,
i just needed to get this off my chest so i can close this chapter && walk away .
knowinq i gavee yuu all tht i couldd .
so as muchh as i wanna hatee yuu for all the timess youu hurt me && madee me cryy .
i dont .
youu qavee me a lifee lessonn .
you taught me how to lovee without limitss .
i dont think i could ever lovee anyone as much as i love yuu zahkeem .
bt when yuu lovee somethinq , sometimess yuu qotta let it qo .

&& i dont want ANYBODY to think yuu werent a qood personn .
cuss yuu were the most beautiful person i ever met .
on so many levelss .
bt shit happenss i quess .
i wishh yuu the best bby .
alwayss && forever .
i lovee youu .

[p$] whenn yuu have kidss . if yuu name any of them any of our namess
ima personally come and beat yo ass , lol . jus playinn bby . havee a nicee lifee thoo :-*

x mass [k] !

mann ,
todayy was some bullshit .
i swear .
likee my dayy really endedd on a sour ass notee .
this morninq was all finee and dandyy :]
happy , funn , ect .
thenn theree was a pivotinq turnn when i decidedd i dint wanna qo to ma auntie housee no moree
i wanted to stay home and cupcakee with ddy .
bt noooooooo .
my mom was at the door like "qotdammit anqelica ! cmon now ! "
likee fuck .
man .
thenn my bby was mad cus i was leavinn him .
so then i hadda fucked up attitudee the whole time we was at ma auntie house .
cus i wanted to be at home ,
then,
i get back homee ,
&& HE STILL MAD AT ME !
likee , mannnn ,
i apoloqizedd , everythinqq !
&& he was not havinn it
gavee me the straight silent treatment
&& i HATEE beinq iqnoredd
&& i HATEE whenn hes mad at me
especially when its somn i did .
all i wantedd to do was talk to himm && laughh &&
be the lovee sprunq person i usually am
bt insteadd i was sad, && frustratedd && plainn jus
sad !
likee i really must have hurt hiss feelins for him to be tht mad at me =/
i know he wont be mad forever bt likee
it totally ruinedd my xmass nitee .
now i qotta see what happenss todayy .
im hopinn for the bess ....

mirror , mirror onn the wall .

mann .
i havee the worst insecuritiess about my body =/
&& i meann thts reqular , lotss of girlss do .
bt likee i had started to forqet && accept my bodyy for how it iss .
thenn i was havin a convo wit ma bf lass nitee about takinn a shower toqetherr && all my insecuritiess came back =[

&&i meann itss not likee im obesee or anythinq
bt im no where near skinny .
my ass is likee thickaa than a snickaa.
lol .
&& i qot thick traitss. .
aka
cellulitee , stretch markss
lmao.
all tht shit ppll havee bt dont wanna talk about .
lol .
bt likee .
im jus fuckinn stressinn now .
bt not becausee im mad .
bt becuss im sadd .
&& nervouss .
lol .
sadd cuss i wanna takee the shower withh himm bt i know my insecuritiess make tht impossiblee.
nervouss cuss i dont know how lonqq its qonna takee me to get over it .
i meann .
we plann on havinn kidss so hes qonna see all of me eventually anywaysss .
bt likee .
shit .
im worried about if he doesnt likee what he sees .
&& i know most ppl would be likee "ohh if he lovess yuu , hes gonna love your bodyy blah blah"
thts bullshit .
ppl cheat because of tht reason .
everyones not gonna like everythinq .
even if they do lovee yuu .
bt they miqht deal with it , bcuss they do .

soo noww im like on thiss "qotta qet ma fatass in shape" mood .
im cuttin all my xtraa mealss out . no sodaa . no suqary shit .
&& moree exercisee .
&& im really pissed of cuss i gotta bad knee cuss i qot hit by a car in the 12th qradee
so now i cant run n shit .
&& all my exercisee used to be dancinn ,
thts all i used to do .
bt i fucked my knee up again lass august && ever since i started walkin normal again
im scared to do anythinq tht might fuck tht shit up .
lol .
whichh is makin it about 6726484 timess as hard to get some cardioo inn .
im likee muthafuck !
lol .

im a find a way tho .
cuss i know id be wayy happier if i lost like 10-15 lbs juss on the fact i lovee clothess && theyll look better .
&& pluss i needa find a qood plann fer when i qet preqo . =/
shit . id rather be smaller && qet preqo otherwisee when i do .
ima be biq as a housee .
lmao .
all bad .

i qot all off topic .
lol .
bt yeaa is there anybody else out there tht had self imaqee probss bt over came them ?
especially wit likee they siqnificant other ?
or likee any dudess advicee on what they think about womens bodyys =]
all commentationn is appreciated =]

. . . .

[siqhh .]
sooo i was kind off tryinq to avoidd writinq a bloqq juss bcuss im boredd .
lol .
bt shit .
i dont have anythinq better to do ,
withh all this liquor inn ma housee im thinkin bout drinkinn jus to pass timee .
shit .
lol .
well ,
itss xmass evee .
>> m errr y x masss yall =] <<<

so i went wit ma mama && stepdadd earlier to qo buy some final qiftss ,
&& it wasnt as badd as i thouqhtt .
bt fc k
lol .
i was qettinn irritated as hell ,
i cant stand crowdss ,
likee the kindd wheree every where yuu turnn && try to walk itss a fuckin personn or object in the wayy .
tht shit erkss me .
whichh is whyy i never clubb .
lol .
so ,
yuu knoww i had to get some shit out the deal =]
lol .
nuthinn special .
i be feelin unqrateful sometimess ,
likee i appreciatee everythinq && anythinq someone does for me ,
bt after i qet the shit i want ,
i be like ,
shit i didnt get nuthinn i really wanted .
lol .
bt likee i quess thts my fault kindaa .
id k.
who caress .

so tomorroww is xmass && all im lookinn forwardd to doin is eatinn .
bt im on a diet =/
so not even tht soundss funn .
lol .
shit .
fridayy i qot biq planss =]
excitedd about tht .
ill tell yall about it onn friday tho .
lol .
let the anticipation buildd .

ATTENTiONN !

lol .
i need helpp .
soo im likee the worst qift qiver cuss if i dont know what yuu want exactly ;
my mind qoess blank whenn i hear the woord "present" .
lol .
so im trynaa fiquree out what i wanna buy my bf fer xmass .
[yeaa i knoww im on the latee show bt who caress]
bt im like drawinq blankss .
what do yuu buy fer someone tht could buy anythinq they want ?
&& hass damn near everythinq they need ?
lol .
i want it to be likee somethinq appreciativee ,
not one of thosee qifts yuu qet where yuu likee ,

[raised eyebrows]
"wow ! thankss ! i really wanted one of thesee !"
[thinkinq to self : wtf am supposed to do with this ?]

lmao .
whats a qd qift fer a quy ?
any suqqestionss ????

yuu LiVEE && yuu LEARNN .

soo ,
lifee is all about qrowinqq ritee ?
livinnqq , learninqq , ect .
&& i meann likee
everyonee knowss thiss bt ppl constantlyy complainn about lifee ,
likee itss supposedd to be deliveredd on a silver platter .
im not qonna complainn cuss in all honestyy
i complainn alot , bt i knoww tht itss my fault whyy my lifee is the way it iss
to actually be ablee to acknowledqee tht you aree the controller of yer ownn destinyy
is empowerinqq .
im just onn "idlee" modee ritee noww .
i knoww exactlyy what i need to do to achievee my completee happiness ,
i just havent done it yet .
thenn theress personal issuess , evryonee hass em .
itss humann naturee .
whether itss family related , love related , friend related , work relatedd.
theres alwayss qonna be some type of conflict .
nothinqss perfect .
itss all about how yuu qo about dealinq with it .
i thinkk ppl qivee upp too easilyy .
yer qonna try and fail && try and fail beforee yuu qet wheree yuu wanna be .
all qood thinqqs come with time rite??

well thtss what they sayy at least .
i can say as far as my lovee lifee tht was truee .
im the extremelyyyy lovinq typee && all ive ever wanted to do is just qivee all my love to someonee ,
bt it jus never worked out mutually .
ive had major crushess sincee likee the 7th gradee .
&& i didnt find mutual lovee til i was 20 .
its beautiful .
itss likee all thosee lovey dovey ass moviess yuu've seen beforee ,
yuu can relate to .
its likee everytime i watchin a moviee and they start cryin over lovee ,
it touchess me cus i know how they feel && i can put myself in the situationn .
lol .
its crazyy .

i meann i knoww i usedd to sit and wonder likee ,
how can ppl lovee me ? why would they lovee me ?
likee do they really lovee mee ?
lol .
its just mindblowinqq when i actually sit && REALIZE
how muchh i lovee my bf && how muchh he lovess me BACK.
imm so blessedd :]
cuss ive seen many ppl in diff relationshipss where they were in lovee
bt i rarely see a couplee thats as happy as uss .
ever sincee ive met himm ive literally secluded myself from
lifee cus i feel completee like ive found everythinq .

i dont really drink anymore ,
i dont smoke ,
i dont qo out ,
i dont post up ,
i stay in the housee .
everyone thinkss its because of him ,
likee hes tellin me not to do anythinqq .
bt hes not . he doesnt care if i qo out .
bt i jus dont feel the need for all tht shit anymoree .
im 20 years old i been drinkin and smokin since i was 12 .
i been partyinn sincee i was 13 .
i meann ,
wtf am i really missin ?
ppl qo out to meet neww ppl && have funn .
ive met all the ppl i need in my lifee && i havee my own funn .
i literally have like only 5 ppl i talk to on a daily basis .
&& im fine withh it .
ppl can talk all the shit they want about me .
&& i could really care less .
i dont feel like im missinq anythinq i havent seen beforeee .
im content .
thatss all tht matterss ritee ?

im livinn my lifee , i suqqest everyonee doess tht .
livee your lifee .
stopp concerninq yourself with everyone elseess && what they doinn .
what doess the next mtfckaa have to do withh yuu ?????
exactly .
nothinq.
im livinn , im learninn , im lovinnn :]
aree yuuu ?????

twoo centss acceptedd ;]

soo ,
thiss past weekendd somee drama fell in my lapp ,
&& i didnt even havee anythinq to do withh it but i did .
thiss endedd in the loss of my so called bessfrinnn , so lemme tell yall what happened ,
&& yall can tell me what yall thinkk . mm k :]

soo ,
likee i saidd previouslyy , my cpu been brokee sincee fridayy , so i hadnt really been talkin to my bbyddy .
soo on sundayy, he aimedd one of my cuzinnss && askedd her where i wass .
shee saidd , idk , whyy dont yuu call her .
&& hee repliedd - yuu qood 4 nuthinn .

[sidenotee ; lol. my bf alwayss playin around talkn shit . so he was playin when he said thiss , bt my cuzin qotta bad attitude && is alwayss on the defense. ]

so ,
in her response , she start cussin him out && he cuss her out back .
they end up callin each other bxtchhess , yadda yadda yadda .
soooo ,
shee callss me likee ,
"i dont like your bf ."
&&im likee why , what happenedd .?
so shee tells me , && im like woooww .
yall bothh qot bad attitudess .
bt i saidd okay && qot off the phone with her .
so later tht nitee when i was talkin to him ,
i askedd him about it .
&&hee told me the same storyy ,
so i toldd him likee welll ,
yall bothh got bad attitudess ,
it was cool that yuu wrotee her bt yuu shouldnt havee aimedd her.
basically .
it was a qood intention qone wronq .

soo , heress where all the drama comess inn --

mondayy comess . im talkin to ma bf on aim .
&&all of a sudden hess like im not in the mood , tell yo bessfriend im not playin wit him .
&& im like wtf ? what yuu mean ?
he like , this niqquh jus aimedd me talkinn shit .
&&im completely baffled . && pissed , likee wtf ?!
i havent talked to this niqquh in like 3-4 dayss !
why the fck he talkin shit to my bf ?
yuu feel me ?
soo ,
i called him , he didnt answer .
i wrote him told me to call me asap , he didnt call .
so im juss pissed likee fuck it .
he called my bf out fer the fadee && my bf wanna beat hiss ass , && i stopped carin cus my bessfriend wasnt tryna talk to me .
so finally my other cuzin talk to my bessfriend && she like ohh , wht happenedd with yuu && jellie bf ?
thiss niqquh qon say ,
he qot into wit yo sister, && i had to check him.

[sidenote -- my two cuzins are sisters:]]

so this where i qet pissed the fck off .
im like check him?????????
wtf yuu mean check himm !
that was MY cuzin && MY boyfriend .
i think i could handle the situation my fuckin self .
so , i finally talk to him after everybody kept sayin call jellie, call jellie .
it took him 3 dayss to call me , so i could hear his side of the story
&& by tht time i didnt gave a fck what he had to say .
i feel like what he did was foul && disrespectful.
how ima be mad at my bf for cussin my bessfrienn out , if my bessfriend didnt even have a real reason to aim him ???
that wasnt his place to be tryna check anybody !
i dont like his bbymma but i would never try to check her or talk shit to her outta the respect i have for him . && if i wanted to , i damn sure would tell him first !
my bessfriend didnt say shit to me about anythinq , he jus wrote him on his own.
my bf told me he wrote him .
so if my bf never told me .
i never wouldve even knew !
likee .
im like wtf !?
im supposed to be yo bestie but yuu not even considerin how ima feel.
puttin me lwky in the middle of this shit .
and thenn whenn i told him how i felt about the situationn ,
he didnt even say shit back .
not a "ohh im sorry" "ma badd" "yeaa , yuu ritee , it wasnt my place"
none of tht shit .
just no response .
so fuck it . && fuck himm too .
if he was my friend he shoulda known better .
&& everybdy got me fucked upp if they think ima pick his side over my bf .
cuz im not .
period .
he was in the wronq.
he shoulda never wrote him .
he aint tryna hear what i qotta say .
so whatever .
im stickin by my man .
ma mama alwayss told me -"never pick another niqquh over yo man."
&& thatss what im doinn .
why would i choose friendship over love ?
im not losin the love of my lifee && all my happiness over so dumb shit my bessfriend started upp,
cus my bf && cuzin got into a dumbass altercation over a misunderstandinq !
this is ludacrous . immaturee , && jus stupid .
fuck all the drama .
ima let em fight .
&& i hopee my "bessfriend" learnss hiss lesson .
so far he lost a friendd && my respect .
am i wronq ? or what ?

lol .
opinionss??

onee week recapp .

soooo .
my cpu was brokee fer a fcknn week .
so yuu knowwwww ,
i qot hellaaa shit to updatee yall onn .
lol .

soo ,
first off i was miserablee ,
cus if yuu knoww mee , yuu knoww the cpu is my bessfriendd ,
lol .
so one wholeeeee week withh no cpu was likee a knife to the heart .
i swear , i cryedd frm lonliness .
hahhaha .
i dont talk on the phonee like i used too so no cpu meant no aim && no myspace .
smh .
lol .
but most importantlyy , no 5 hour conversationss with ma bbyddy :[
i was depressedd . lol .

i got somn i need yall opinion onn but ima bloq about tht separate cus its qonna be lonqq && i want yall feedback :]
soooo , itss qood to be back :]

a d d i c t e d d . . ..

so ,
ummmm .
im lwkyy thinkinq im qettinq addicted to bloqqinq .
&& not becausee i really have shit to say .
but becausee i dont have anyone to really talk to .
sooo ,
i talk , cuss yall listennn =]
thanks to the oness who do readd my bloq !
yall tiqqhtt :]
so anywayssss ,
i dont even have shit to bloq about
lmao .
yuu know what i hate ?


drunk ppl tht buq .
i HATEEEEEEEE them .
likee,
thosee are the most annoyinq ppl in the worllddddd .
they talk to yuu about dumb shit ,
they buq yuu ,
they jus dont shut the fuck upp or stay out yo face .
i be like WTF?!
i swearrrr .

------>next subject .

whenn i started typinn this bloq i swear i had somn to sayy .
now im blank .
ummm .

to be continuedd .
lol .

boredomm killzz.

smh .
mann .
i do not BELEEEEVE how damnn boredd i amm .
im likee ,
actually tired .
lol .
i think itss cuss i dont have anyone to talk to .
wheree thee fck iss everybodyyyy>:O

shit .
im likee listenin to music && shit ,
myspacee is soo wack .
them niqquhss be talkin bout the same shit .
blah blah blah .
i be like yeaaaaaaaa.
[end of conversation]
lol .
ferreal .
i wishh i had l ' s .
i wouldnt even be hereee !
man , im fckn 20 wit no license .
what kinda bullshit is tht ?
lol . i cant drive fer shit tho .
im one of those nervous drivers .
lol .
i be tryna play it cool .
bt i be likee ohh shit .
lol .
but thts only cuss ima fass driver . my minumum is 40mph .
lol .
i hate drivin slower than tht it feels like slow motion .
shit .
my mama be like sloww the fck down fat foot !
lol .
ohh well , ima havee hella ticketss when i qet my l's =/
sooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ,
im jus talkin cuss im bboreeddddd .

we ' re supposed to be movinn in jan when the lease is upp .
THANK YAHH JESUS !
shit .
i hatee these fcknn aptss all my homiess den movedd out .
&& someone i know jus movedd inn but idc about tht niqquh .
im juss like uqhh .
cann we move already ?!
shit.
im postponin all the shit i need to do til we movee .
like find anothr jooob .
whichh i needd the MOST .
bt whatss the point of findin one out here if we bout to move away ?
i dont feel like doin all tht shit .
bt i wanna jobbbbbb !
im qoin fuckin crzy wit out one !
i have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to muchh time on my hands !
like .
wow .
i wanna qo back to school in the summer=]
i miss school !
i love learninq .
as soon as i qet my jobb toqether , school is next on the list .
=]
im excited .
hopefully everythinq qoess qood .
if it turnss out like this moval lifee im livinn,
ima qo shoot myself .
itss sooo uqhh outheree .
i hateeeeeee it .
smh .
hate aint even the right word !
lol .
homee of the unemployedd .
thts what i call it .
i needa bee in the fass laness of a biqq cittyy withh biqq cityy liqhtss=]
i miss qoinn out shit .
i usedd to be out every damn weekendd .
now i juss sit in the housee && be borinq .
lol.

i kindaa miss the partyy lifee .
bt now i qotta fckedd up hip && knee .
so i cant dancee like i want . so i bee qettin pissed off cuss i cant .
i be like all yuu dancin mthafckass aint tight !
[hatinn lwky]
lmao .
i aint trippinn , i post upp && look bomb =]

but yeaaa .
idk .
i quess im done .
lol .
i couldd talk forever .

soo wtf ?

sooo , everyonee whoo hass the internet prolly hass seen thiss videoo . i pstedd it like lass monthh but i was watchinn tyra bankss lass nitee && thiss bxtchh was onn it ! yuu knoww thiss bxtchh is 15 ! likeeee ,

W T F ! lmao .

she look like 35 . ppl needa stop lettin they kidss qet so damnn biqq ! && im not even tryna be funny ! like thatss sad ! shiit . bt anywayss . watch it againn =D

[p . $ ]

=D

we back toqether .
so yuu knoww im happy :]

woot woot .

thankss to all the ppl tht qavee me support in ma situationn =]
yall the bess !

k byeee !

R.I.P - GRANdMA JACkSON .

so , i quess thiss is qoodbyee . i never really kneww yuu tht well sincee yuu livedd so far awayy , i only met yuu twicee . i only talked to yuu every blue moon . i feel kinda badd we never really qot to know each other . cus maybe we couldve been closer . i always felt like i knew grandpa better . he always was the one to send me money , && when i came out there he was the one tht took me out . but i cant hold tht against you . i wont . i still love youu . your in a better place now :] i wishh i wass theree . i hopee yer happy tht yuu and qpaa are finally toqetherr again =]
iLyuu quyss .


[p$] i lovee yuu qranny && papa alsoo . i miss yuu quyss too . especially yuu qranny . i think about yuu oftenn . mom misses yuu . evertime she talkss about yuu she cryss . i try to keep my tears back , but i cry inside . i wishh i couldve talked to yuu before yuu diedd . imy . && iLy .
see yuu soon :-*

aw , fck it .

whyy do ppl insist onn trynaa be funny whenn im in a fckedd up mood ?
is it not obviouss all over my facee , i dont wanna be botheredd?
im miserable . && everyoness happy .
i was all qood earlier . then he hit my soft spot . then he hit the juqular .
im numb at the moment . whichh is qood - for now .
i have so many emotionss qoinq throuqh me i dont know whether im mad , sad , happy , amused, pissed, suprized , shit .
for the most part im sick .
cant eat , cant sleep .
smh .
yeaaa , tht episodee .
how did i fall so deep ?
uqhhhhh .
i was so happy to be so deep .
how did thiss qo so wronq .
i probably wouldnt even be trippin thiss hard if i actually KNEW what happened .
that ceased the relationship .
im playinq it cool .
tryinq =] .
yuu qotta qimme somee credit .
all my mtfuckinn friendss are mia so theree NOT makinq the situation ANY better . cuz i have no one to talk to , to keep my mind off it .
im juss likee uqhhh .
whyy dont ppl ever appreciate what they have ? they always want somethinq different . theres not one , not two , bt THREE other niqquhss that say they love me .
but nopee .
i dont love them ,
i LOVE HIM .
him.
him .
him.
hiiiiimmmmmmmmmm>:O
&& right now he isnt lovinq me back .
thiss is horrible .
my homiee was lauqhinq at me earlier .
bt i really dont find anythinq funny .
im readyy to pop the fuck off && kill somebodyy .
iff yuu placedd me besidee a bridgee in my mindstatee,
i miqht juss "accidently" fall the fck off .
im so juss mannn .
whtss tht sayinnn ? theress nothinq worsee thenn a woman scornedd ?
some shit .
lol .
aint tht the truthh .
i wouldnt advise qivinq me keys to the car , a bottle of drank && a qunn .
whooo knowwwwwwss what could happen .
lol .
i have no time for tht tho .
im takinq this as a learninq lesson .
one i dont fuckin want .
but i qot .
im dealinq .
im qrowinq .

i just dont understand whyy hess treatinq me like shit .
so cruel . when yuu love someone yuu just dont treat them badd dammit .
i could never treat himm how he's treatinq me .
but i quess thats jus another justification to howw i alwayss said i lovedd himm moree than he loveed mee .
i couldd never quite explain how muchh tht is . how do yuu explainn a feelinq so stronq ?
how do yuu explain selflessness && awe ?
now , im sittin heree lookinq dumb .
&& the next bxtchh is happy cuss im no lonqer theree .

i dont wanna cryy , bt im so damn madd ,
i cant really keep the tearss back .
i just wanna screamm , do somethinq stupidd .
but im not .
im just qonna breathee .
cuss tomorrowss a new dayy .
&&theress alwayss a neww wayy .
im done .

ventinq .

[siqh] .
at the moment thiss iss very necessary .
im assuminq imma be doinnq ALOT of bloqqinq ...
i havee so muchh to qet off my headd , && no other way too express itt ,
idgaf if yall read it or not .
juss qettinq it out helpss .

so, i was finee last nite . i didnt cry .
i was qood =]
i knew it wouldnt last .
my eyess openedd thiss morninq ,
&& i saidd FCK !
i didnt wanna wake upp .
i didnt wanna face reality .
i didnt wanna think about my situation .
my life .
my pain .
i cry alonee , cuz i hate whenn people see me cry .
i feel weak .
im tryna qet ahold of myself ....
why am i cryinq so hard ?
whyy am i so hurt ?

i feel like a fckinq fool .
i put everythinq out on the tablee , to qet straiqht upp robbed .
whyy the fck did i do tht ?
wtf was i thinkinq ?
i hatee this part of lovee .
the heartbreak .
therees the happiness && the heartbreak .
happiness aree the qood timess , the natural hiqh yer onn beinq with tht personn ,
smilinq for no reasonn . just happy becuss ....
then theress heartbreak , the pain , the confusion , the manipulation , the part yuu were always blind to , tht finally comess to liqht .

itss a constant struqqle in every relationship between the two .
alwayss .
i woke up with reqret , becausee i wishhed i wouldnt have tripped so hard last nitee .
but i cant control how i feel . i have too much emotionn . i hateeeee tht .
i remember whenn he told me i had the biqqest heart ; i told himm yeaa , thats why it alwayss qets hurt , completely oblivious to the fact he would practically snatchh it out my chest a couple days later .

i dont know how i qot so comfortable in my relationship . it was like a marriaqe , its been perfect lately - almost perfect . i felt like nothinq could tear us apart cuz we were so stronq , he loveed me sooo muchh && i loveed himm so much moree . so howw do yuu fuck tht off ?
smhh .
it can bee snatchedd awayy in the blink of and eyee . without reason , but simply because it can happenn .

im havinqq the biqqest internal battle with myself && my heart .
like , shouldd i qivee himm another chancee bcuss i lovee himm ,
or shouldd i say fuck thiss , cuz i dont deserve to be treated like this ?
ive never had a relationship like thiss , && evenn tho it isnt perfect .
its more than special . do i choose to let qo becausee he 's takinq it for qrantedd ?

mannn .
thiss is sooo fuckedd upp .
im juss , fuckedd up .
&& nobody caress .
nobodyy knowss what i qo throuqh on a daily basiss .
i feel like runninq awayy && never cominq back .
sometimess i feel likee i ' d be better of dead .
this was my last piece of happiness .
now im dead insidee .
yeaa , im livinq .
but , love , friends , family .
all tht shit is non existent to me .
im practically a qhost .

............................................................................
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ohkayy . i had to takee a moment .
[deep breathinq ]
i want soo much pain til i jus become numb .
im startinq to hate evrythinq .
&& i dont wanna feel like thiisss .
i wanna smile && be happy .
&& be lovedd .
&& i havee none of that .
i never havee .
no wait , i take tht back .
i had that temporarily ,
he qivess me that .
but , i quess i have to learn to livee without his lovee.

runninn my MiND =]

i havee nothinqq better to do at the moment but runn my mouthh && bloqq .
considerinqq my mindd is runninq a billion thouqhtss a secondd .
&& i qot my beyoncee slappinn -- soo empowerinq :)

so i qot some quick questionss ......

how comee , riqht whenn youve convincedd yerself ; yu 've found that special someone thats "different" thann the rest ; they do somn to provee they aint ?

whyy do ppl lie ? whyy do ppl cheat ? why are ppl never satisfied ? why doess someone new makee yuu wanna leavee someone yuu already havee ?

whyy dont ppl enjoy commitment ? why do ppl plan futuress toqetherr if they dont plann on pursuinq them ? why do ppl say thinqs they dont mean ?

why do quyss always feel the need to lie to makee yuu lovee them more? whyy do they sell yuu dreamss ? whyy do they want yuu to be there forever then tell yuu your too much ?

how aree yuu too muchh bt not enouqh ? how come ppl tht have damn near perfect relationshipss ; never last . bt ppl tht arque everydayy && havee 7287482 issuess , lasst for yearss ?

whyy do ppl fall inn lovee , whenn it isnt quaranteed in return ? whyy do ppl alwayss feel like payback is the best optionn to hurt the person they love ?

so im thinkinqq , karmaa is ma bxtchh . i alwayss keep her in mind . but im puttinq her into this predicament , &&im wonderinq if i ever did anythinq to deserve thiss ? &&&&&&&&& ive come to the conclusionn that.......

i never took advantaqe of anyoness feelinqss , i did hurt someone - cuz i didnt wanna be with them anymoree . but that was a abusive relationship , && i left him for the love of my life ,
so im assuminqq that was the better choice, correct ?

correct ! so i dont think this is a repercussion of her work .
qodds fate i quess ??? =/
uqhhhh ! he be throwinn the craziest shxt at yuu i swear . likee ,
how yuu qon qivee me somethinn tht makess me soo happy , thenn take it away ?
testinqq my strenth i quesss . maybee im relyinq too muchh on hiss happiness ?
he holdss me toqether for the most part . i have very little friendss . && most of em are all maless .
cuz i dont wnna here a femaless point of vieww , theyy juss qon say some shit tht pisses me off ,
likee weelllll "do yuu think hess cheatinq ?" like hmmm letss seeee , sure i think he is !

smh . the fuck .
not sayinq all quyss have the best advicee cuz they either [a] havee a honest opinion , [b] havee a jealouss opinionn , or [c] have a plain WRONG opinionn .
i'd ratherr heree a quyss point of vieww . plain && simplee .
i had a homiee i used to alwayss talk too , but he started to likee me so i had to cut tht shit off .
i qotta another friend tht has the straight up niqquh thinq to say- "ohh lifee qoess on , tht aint the only niqquh left" , thenn i qotta homiee who i absolutely adoree becuss he alwyss keeps it 100 ; he's likee mee =] thts mah niqquh . fo reall . && hess m.i.a so i have no one to talk to .

im sad . i havee no output . whichhh is whyyy im juss typinq it all out .
im not qonna sit here && act like im all qravyy . when i aint .
lol .
im not as sad as i was earlier . bt fuuuck . thiss is juss unexpectedd .
wtf am i supposedd to do to clear my head ?
i dont wanna meet any new niqquhs cuz im still in lovee .
i could talk to someone tht likess me tht ive knownn && knowss about my bf ,
but nope .
thts jus qonna be sex . && i dont want tht .
am i supposedd to juss be like sadd or somn ?
i dont wanna be bitter .
im too sweet .

real shit .
i miss uss .
&&im tiredd or prayinqq to qod about certain shit [ily qod ]
bt yuu aint answerin my prayerss !
i prayedd for somn so badd lass nitee - && i qot the complete oppositee .

i never been in a predicament wheree it was so hardd to do somethinq .
i' ve been called naivee , && thiss is like damn , maybe i amm .
cuz i keep believinqq everythinq he sayss cuz i trust himm && it all falls downn .

i qot in my depressed state about lifee && the niqquh calledd me pyscho !
lmao !
i was likee bby ! im not crzy ! wtf .
i was jus sadd .
lol .
it really wasnt funny .
bt now it iss .
bt it isnt really .

all i havee are memoriess .
&& itss likee . itss not the end for us , so he saysss .
but to me , it feels like it iss .
i wonderr ...............

lmao .

wtf i look like a mtfknn JOKE ?!
thiss niqquh said , i need a break .
smhh .
a B R E A K ?
wtf is tht ?
a mtfcknn excusee for wantinn to be sinqlee real quickk && fck some bxtchhess then come back whenn yuu readyy !
i wasnt born yesterday .
lmao .
if onlyy he knew .
how many niqquhss are on my mthfuckinn bumper !
wantinq what he hass .
damn .
would i be wronq if i took advantaqe of tht ?
yeaa i would .
bt would he , of couse he wouldnt !
cuz thtss a bxtchh ass double standard .
qot me fckedd upp .

he took me to hell and back tonitee .
to say , i wanna a break , yer qettinq on my nervess .
thats funny ,
hilariouss .
i alwayss wonderedd if i qavee him too much attentionn ,
but how am i supposedd to know if he never said anythinq?
i wondered if pourinq my heart out to himm && tellinq him how i truly felt was a mistake .
in some wayss it wass .
never do tht ladiess !
i did what i alwayyss tell ma homeqirlss not to do .
let him take advantaqe of your heart , cuz he knowss youll alwayss be theree .
=/

i feel so disrespectedd . i swear .
that dont even matter tho i quess .
im alivee .
im sinqlee .
the questionn iss , should i take advantaqee of tht ?
or should i do what i normally wouldd && bee the faithful foolish qf ,
that alwayss does the right thinq ?

who knowss .
heartbrokee for the 47637489394 timee in lifee .
but thiss was like my first real one .
he;s my first true love .
&& i want him back .
the person i was talkin to tonitee ; wasnt himm .

i miss him alreadyyy .
=/
ima mess .

pt two .

soooo.
i saidd i ' d tell yall waht happenedd .
basically -- nothinq .
i never qot what i was waitinq for .
i went back to sleep .
didnt qet any bcuss my crybby ass lil cuzinn was screaminn && hollerinn for over 30minss about some fuckin sodaa . thenn my cuzinns came over && qot dressedd .
me , i juss turnedd over && tryedd my hardesst to qo to sleep .
i had the most fuckedd up attitudee i ' ve had in the lonqestt .
i wantedd to sleep the dayy awayy to be honestt .
i madee it to about 6 pm . thenn tht wass it ,
i wishh i wouldve stayedd sleep .

i wokee upp to heartbreakk && confusionn .
im sinqlee i quess . idk why .
thtss somethinqq my bbyddy would have to tell you .
i dont know what to do with myself right noww , im too throuqhh .
all i can do iss just cryy .
im like lost .
i dont have anyonee to talk to about it . && he doesnt even wanna talk to me right now .
im juss likee --
what happenedd? what did i do wronq ?
im sooooo lost .
i feel so dumbb && naivee for puttin all my feelinss into it ,
bt at the same time i dont , cuz thtss how i feel .
ppl break upp && makee upp all the timee .
bt each timee we break upp itss scarier for me , bcuss i dont know if we'll qet back toqether .
the moree i lovee himm , the harder it iss for me to let himm qo . && the easier it iss for mee to tell myself , maybe itss not meant to bee . . .
bt i know that it isss . i KNOW . i feel it in my heart .
i juss dont know what happenedd .
i lovee himm . withh all my heart . i lovee him moree than mee .
moree than anybodyy could ever understandd . i couldd deal withh the seperationn ,
bt i cant deal withh losinq himm . lifee with out himm ain 't shit .
&& yeaa yeaa , i heard it all beforee , about how lifee qoess on && yuu movee onn . . .
&& yeaa i knoww tht , but im not readyyy . itss not timee for me to let qo .
i jus qotta see what qod throwss my wayyy .

pt onee .

im waitinq ,
damnn - dont yuu HATE waitinqq ?
smhh .
theree used to be a timee wheree i was really patient ; not anymoree .
i havee to literally find somethinq for me to do to pass timee .
i dispiseee waitinq . lol , im one of thosee ppl tht be in line talkinn bout -
"mann ! if yall dont hurry da fck upp >:O"
lmao .

[shakinn head .]
sadd , bt truee .
im waitinq ritee noww .
itss 10.11 ay-em .
i went to sleep at about 5 .
&& im tiredd as FCK , bt im waitinq for someone to contact me about
what im trynaa do todayy .
sooooooo , i wait .
now see , ima qrouchyy bxtchh ritee now .
cuz my sleep is beinq interruptedd .
&&if i dont qet what i expect , whenn i want it .
allllll HELLS bout to break loose - later .
after i catchh upp on some zzzz 's .
lol .

for the most part , itss 10am on a sunday morninq ,
im sleepy , tired , irritated , i miss my bbyddy , && i need to bee sexed>:O .
thatss only the icinq on the cake tho .
so im jus qivinn yall a taster , lol .

so , im suree yall have cauqht onn by now tht im really jus typinn to pass timeee .
talkinn to the homie jamess , && tryna stay awakee . i took a shower && all tht did was relax extra muscless tht DONT needa be relaxedd . lol .

maybe i should turnn on some music ? yeaaa . soundss qood .
lol . ohhhkay , qot some music playinn , im enqaqedd in a conversationn
&&im ready to click "shut down" && say fck thss shit ! lol .
i swear i miss my phonee . uqhhhh , i fckin hatee the cpu .
well , i hatee sittin here starinq at this biq ass screen .
im startinn to qet computer eyess . lol . dark circless n shit .
yuck !
lol .
i needa another phone asap .
thiss aint cuttin it .

bt whateverrrr .
uqhh ,
im qettin mad .
im tiredd
illl updatee yall laterr withh what happenedd lol .
peaceee=]

comeebaaack seasonn =]

soooo ,

iff yuu enjoyy qood musicc ,

thenn OF COURSEE yuu enjoyy thee bombb sensationn of ;

f-a-b-o-l-o-u-s !

bomb !

lol.

hee been inn everybodyy sonq latelyy juss makinn us moree curiouss as too whenn he makinn his own comebackk . anywhoo ; checkk hiss latestt . . .

*slim ft. ryan lesliee && fab - qood lovinn

*fab - let the money buildd

*ryann lesliee && fab -addictionn

*red cafe && fab - paper touchinn

*neyo ft. jamie foxx && fab - she qot her ownn

*bruthaa ft. fab - i cant hear the music

welllll most of them yuu already heardd bt shit, i keep hearin emm.

whatever,