16.6.10

update..6/16 1:04am .

i haven't blogged in awhile. partly bc its been a lot going on, partly
bc i wasn't ready to talk about, and partly bc i hate blogging my
personal life bc so many ppl i know read my blog like a book and then
tlk to me about like i brought it up with them .. its cool tho, i chose
to put it in public domain so whatever. so much has happened in the last
few weeks i dnt even know where to begin ...schools over, two ppl i love
died, me and james are on another break, im moving to vegas on the
2nd...jst a lot . bt okay i guess ill start in that order.

my last day of school was last wednesday. my finals weren't as hard as i
thought , to be honest i didn't study much for any of them bc i wanted
to test how much i actually learned over the semester. i got my grades
the other day and i pulled 2 A's, 1 B and 1 C . i wish i could've made
that C into a B bt that was my math class and considering over half the
class dropped or stopped coming and about 5 outta 10 of us left were
failing im happy with my C. so yea next subject..

two people that were dear to my heart died 3 days apart . made me do
alot of contemplating on life... first, my moms sister, my only aunt
died. now i only have great-aunts(my gma's sisters) left. she died on
the friday after memorial day..i wont get into the details of her death
bt its debated to whether it was her fault or she was killed..bt either
way she's nt here anymore. i went to her funeral today and i held up
better than i thought. my mom almost made me break cus she started
crying but i had to be her support system since her husband acts like
he's scared to hold her. she cried on my shoulder and he patted her
back..i smiled a lot at the memories of her tho. i loved my auntie, she
had her downfalls but she always had me laughin . i took her back home
tht tuesday after memorial day and she was was tlkin shit the whole way
like "don't trust no nigga! cus niggas aint shit!" lol. our last bonding
memories was prolly the 2 months she lived with us last year ...i miss
watching good times and stanford and son with her on tv land at 2 in the
mornin lol. but the last thing i said to my auntie before she died was i
love you so im at peace in my heart...

the 2nd person was my cuhkzo brandon..he wasn't my actual cousin. he was
actually james's but i got to know him well over the last 10 months. i
actually JST talked about him like 2 posts ago when i said he told me to
talk to james cus he missed me...smh. bt he was murdered. and my heart
breaks for him, james and his family. especially his daughter bc she's
still a bby and now she has to grow up without a father tht loved her to
death. i know ima miss tf outta brandon man ..he's the only person i
could tlk to about james that actually knew him well enough to give me
advice that meant something to me. he was always there to listen to me
vent about our problems, he never complained. and always told me nt to
trip..he'd be like "man cuhkzo don't trip, james loves yu trust me yu
jst need to give him time to figure it out" and thts what i did. ima
always remeber him for touchin my heart when i wanted to die, if it
wasn't for james and him idk what i wouldve done...it meant a lot to me
for him to genuinely care about whether i lived or died bc a lot of
people a turn a blind eye when they hear yu tlkin crazy...bt im glad i
have nothing but laughs and good memories to remember him by...

james took it so hard. that was like his brother and i tried my best to
be there for him but i can only be there so much and give him enough
space to mourn . i mourned twice myself bt after so many tears fall you
become numb. on top of this happening james informed me he's going into
the army. the army. smh. i cried. but i can't change what he wants...he
wants to do that for his bbys and i can do nothing bt respect it . we're
back to not talking again bc he needs time to get hisself together
...and im back to contemplating whether its worth holding on or letting
go... you know albert einstein said "insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results." ...the pastor at
my aunts funeral said the same shit minus the insanity part and it hit
me like...why do i keep going thru this and giving him time and waiting
hoping for something different to happen when it always comes back to
the same result?? i guess i must be crazy to have hope and faith tht one
day he'll come back around to me.. i guess wanting a future with the
person i love is far fetched..i wish i knew it was jst tht he needed
time to be ready for a relationship and nt what i know he really needs
time for ..it makes my heart hurt .. and i figure even if i decided to
let go ill have to let go regardless when he leaves for service. but
thinking of letting go of the person thts everything to me jst makes me
break down . i guess that makes me weak bc im scared to walk away from
the only person i talk to everyday, the only person that can put a smile
on my face no matter what and take away all my pain. the only person
that i tell all my secrets to..he's so much more to me than jst the
person im in love with and i used to be with. that's my best friend he
means everything in the world to me and im trying so hard to stay
together while were not communicating but id be lying if i said i didn't
miss him. i look forward to talking to him everyday. talking to him
before i go to bed. smh . i get frustrated and mad and i go off on him
and jst wanna say fk it but 20 mins later when it settles...i can't jst
say fk it and walk away. who else is gonna be there for him and care for
him the way i do? my sister said the same shit. she said, "jst give him
his space bt don't leave him angelica..who else really cares about him
the way you do?" and dnt get me wrong, im pretty sure his mom and
sisters and his family does bt as for non-family im positive i have
everyone beat. id do anything for tht man whether he'd do the same for
me or not. but yeaa im rambling. mostly about the same sht i have been
for the past year smh. i really need to pull it together and figure out
if holding on to our love is better than letting it go. bt that'll come
in time...

on another note..im finally moving ! las vegas here i comeeee ! im
excited for something new.. i need change hopefully this is fun and i
meet new people ...i have fam out there bt no friends. james lives out
there now..bt i probably only have a few months to enjoy tht before he
chooses to leave for training and duty ...if we even come back together.
i haven't talked to ms. daja in awhilee bt i wonder if she still stays
in vegas...ill have to write her cus idk if yu still read my blog lol.
and anyone else tht lives in vegas tht follows my blog feel free to hmu
and let me knoww cus i do need a couple friends lol. i start school out
there in august and i need to find a job so we'll see how that goes :)
im confident tho so idk when ill be blogging again ill prolly be back in
a couple weeks ..i love you guys stay up.

2 comments:

冠慧 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。..................................................................

Qu33n Kam... said...

awwww Jellie Im sooo sorry about your loss. I know that they are in a better place and everything happens for a reason. Its a good thing that they left this earth knowing how much you loved and appreciated them and for that their life is surely not in vain. And Im more than sure they loved you the same. But it is always unfortunate to lose someone close to you I hope you, james, his family and your family are holding up better.

Much love hun!!