dear O9.O9.O8 ,

ima mess . emotionally, im exhausted. physically im beat bt my brain
wont quit so nonetheless im awake thinking about shit im tired of thinkn
about. i swear i hate the fact emotions derive from deep in your brain
bc if i could control them id plain n simple cut them off . i shouldn't
even be stressed about sshit i have control over. i choose to deal with
the relationship we have, i keep myself in it but i can't control the
emotional attachment that comes with it. i feel like screaming someone
help me, listen to me, console me, give me answers! but no ones here,
and even if they were they couldn't give me any answers bc your the only
one that has them. i wish i had someone here but in return i push
everyone away bc i jst wanna be alone. alone is not good. im always
alone..i feel like no one even cares about me . i dnt care bt i do. its
hurts bc i feel like im always here for people bt when i need someone,
where is everyone? .. im tired of crying to myself everynight, i can't
even explain why i do. i guess emotional release , i wish i could
explain what emotions i was feeling but there's so many i feel like im
about to pop. i know im hurt . but there's nothin new about that, im
always hurting. and ill probably continue to hurt until my heart is
completed again. i don't deserve what i go through bt i guess that's no
ones fault but mines bc i put my heart before my mind. im scared to walk
away from all the time and energy I've invested in this relationship.and
all i can think about is wishing i could go back and run into your arms
when yu first fell in love with me before everything got complicated.
that's something i can't do tho. love makes you so stupid, i swear
..like i know yu feel like u don't deserve me bc yu hurt me alot, its
mostly unintentional bc im highly sensitive so its forgivable..bt at the
same time im upset bc im tired of feeling like my best isn't good
enough. I've given everything i have. my all. my everything. I've been
loyal, honest, dedicated, consistent, given unconditional love, forgave,
tried to forget, cried, laughed, smiled, been there, given you time,
space. anything youve ever asked for. but it still feels like im not
giving enough..sometimes i start to doubt our love bc sometimes it feels
like youve pulled away. sometimes i wanna hate you bc i know you see all
of this but yu still don't give me the recognition i want. who's fault
is that?? mine or yours? i guess mine bc i can sit and list all this
shit and im still dealing with it. bt i guess its yours too bc you can't
accept what's in front of you. we have the best communication in our
relationship, we talk about everything and i would probably be telling
you this over the phone but i can't right now. its unbelievable to me
how everytime we stop talking its so hard on me...idk how i lasted that
month you were in jail, well i do but if i made it thru that this
shouldn't phase me... yu know what scares me? uncertainty. your
uncertainty. my uncertainty. your not sure what you want, youve been
tryna decide for about a year now, . your certain yu need me in your
life..but uncertain about what? my love? if you could really stay with
me? if im the one for you? who yu love more out of me and her?...my only
uncertainty when it comes to you is if staying by your side through all
of this is worth it in the end. am i waiting to finally be happy when
your ready? or am i setting myself up for disappointment bc im hoping
that everything we've talked about involving our future will one day
become reality. i can't make you love me the way i love you. i cnt make
yu love me more, want me more, need me more. i can't make you see what
you have if you can't see it. but if you want less than that, and you
love her games, immaturity, arguments, disrespect..then who am i to tell
you what yu need. i don't think that's what you deserve but if that's
what you choose then maybe it is. you probably don't deserve me, bt you
have a good heart. who's ever loved me like you? you loved me when i
didn't even love you. we've been in love for over a year, i can't jst
throw it all away bc im tired of fighting. anything worth keeping is
worth fighting for bt i can't fight by myself. if your not fighting for
me to keep lovin you then why should i keep fighting for you to keep
loving me? i hope this time your taking is helping you put things in
perspective and helping you see things for what they are. who you need
and who you don't. you might nt need either of us , i guess you could
jst go back to being single and doing that lifestyle bc flirting and fkn
girls without emotional attachment is easier on your heart....i hope
that's not what you choose bt i can't prevent it either. one thing i am
sure of is that i love you. i love you completely. heart, mind, body,
soul, flaws and all. if i didn't except the imperfections then i wouldnt
be able to appreciate your perfections for what they really are. and no
ones perfect so i can't say you have perfections but your heart is a
perfect match for mine. and for that reason, youll always be the perfect
man for me. my soulmate, lover, confidant, bestfriend, my bighead...i
jst hope you can see that for yourself.