20.6.10

broken hearted girl.

I've been layin in the same position for the past 4 hours. i cried til i
fell asleep, woke up and cried again bt i can't fall back asleep....how
many tears do you have to cry until it doesn't hurt anymore? how many
times do i have to make the same mistake until i learn im making the
wrong choice? what did i do so wrong that i deserve to get my heart
broken this many times??? i wish i could sit down and have a real heart
to heart w. God, cus the devil is riding my ass right now. i been
thinkin about dying for the past 2 hours. ways to die. how to die that
wont be hard on eveyone else. do i tell someone or do i leave a letter?
it really makes no difference. i have no one that cares . i don't wanna
be preached to . and i don't feel like being judged . i jst wanna stop
hurting. im crying bc i don't wanna keep hurting so much id rather be
dead. bt why do i constantly have to be in pain? why? what did i do sooo
wrong? why does this keep happening to me? whyyy. why do people that
don't care about life wanna die and have to force themselves to live .
bt people that love their life get it taken from them? this whole past
week has been about death. i figure yeaa people will be hurt if i die
but they'll be alright eventually. life goes on whether im alive or dead
. im upset that im in so much pain that i jst wanna die. i don't even
care about getting over it bc the shit is neverending. i jst wanna close
my eyes and die. and the only thing keeping me alive right now is
brandon telling me i don't want that and i feel it would be wrong to do
that when someone took that from him ... i swear to god i wish he was
still here to give me some advice on what to do...i guess i gotta take
it for what its worth . i never understood what "love is pain" really
meant until now. youve never experienced REAL pain until you've suffered
a broken heart. i feel so stupid. im mad at myself for giving so much
love away. for believing in love to solve everything. for trusting him
with my heart so many times. i know he's upset with me bc i prolly
pissed him off on his fathersday and him being able to see his son
...and i doapologize for that bc he deserved to enjoy today bc i know
he's been hurting ...but i cnt hold back these emotions. i wanna go
crazy and it takes everything inme to break myself down to jst crying
instead of being a woman with a scorned heart....i don't wanna put
myself out of character bc if i do die i don't wanna be remembered for
that. i wish i could say how i really felt but i don't have thestrength
to write all that without crying like a bby. i wanna close my eyes and
jst never wake up ...the best die with broken hearts anyways.