i wish i could get back to that happy state of mind. i let it go , its
hard to get back. how can i be happy when im sad with and im sad
without? i need a blunt bt that would only make my anxiety worse. im
wondering what god still has in store for me to keep me motivated...to
keep pushing..i try my best to do my best. i go to school, i do good in
school. i don't wild out. i don't drink, i don't smoke anymore, i don't
have promiscuous sex...why don't i get anything i want?? why can't i be
blessed with something to keep me happy..why am i cursed with broken
hearts..my hearts been broken in every relationship I've ever been in
where i actually cared about someone, and so i start to wonder if its
me? but im always told its not, or that they just dnt know how to treat
me...so if they don't know how and im willing to let them learn, why
don't they? i can't go through this process of getting to knw someone
again, im scared to fall again. im terrified of love. im in it and
sometimes i wish i never fell. i fell so hard im stuckand everytime i
try to get up its like i fall all over again. as many times as I've been
hurt i shouldn't even care bt each time it jst gets worse, and i get
weaker. nobody on this earth can convince me that it'll be alright bc
everytime i hear that...its not alright. i hate feeling this weak and
vulnerable. insecure and broken. i don't even trust anything anymore. im
skeptical bc when i put my trust into believing something i get misled.
i don't understand, guys tlk all this shit about how girls lie and aint
no wifeys and blah blah blah but everything about what i do is genuine .
i don't cheat, i don't lie, i don't mess with other dudes, i believe in
loyalty, i believe in ridin together thru the good and the bad. when was
that ever taken for granted? when did people decide they don't want
that? i don't even have the heart or energy to become one of those foul
ass females that fit that description bc my heart was built out of love.
but its been broken so many times i can't figure out what it needs and
what it doesn't. i feel like dying. i hate when im at this point . when
i jst wanna give up bc trying doesn't lead to anything but more trying
and more tears. i wish i could trade my life for my aunt and
brandon...two people full of life that enjoyed life..and someone else
took it away from them ..but i can't even say that on behalf of b bc he
would be mad at me for even going back to this state of mind...but damn
man, taking it one day at a time is jst as hard. i literally have no
one. i jst wish i could hear an i love you because i need it. i wish
someone loved me as hard as i love. i jst wanna feel it. i don't ever
wanna have to doubt it. whatever , i give up . im not okay and no ones
even around to tell me its gonna be okay. why should it matter whether
im around or not. i dontcare anymore.