revelation ..

i dnt even know where to start. me and james are done. like done done.
he finally told me he's nt in love w. me anymore :-/ and as much as it
hurt me to hear it, i kinda already knew that. i guess a womans
intuition is never wrong. i went through my sadness bt i didn't cry,
there's no point in being upset about something you can't control. we
both contributed to it but to me ill always feel like if i didn't always
try to make him stay by telling him ineeded him to live, and i was
gonna hurt myself when i thought he was gonna leave...i wouldnt have
scared him away. i can't say i lied bc i did feel like i wanted to die
when i felt he was gonna leave bc he means so much to me, bt i guess
that's being melodramatic bc i knew i could live w/o him...thing is i
was jst afraid to lose him. i lost him anyways so i guess icant start
with the shoulda, coulda, woulda's now that its over. i wish i knew that
i jst lost him bc i lost him and i didn't kno there was another girl he
loved in the equation that helped make it easier. i shoulda walked along
time ago so ill blame that on myself.

I've been thinking so much these past few days and im okay. i jst need
to stay strong and move forward, im only 21...i kno id rather give up
then keep pushing sometimes bt that's jst the devil fkn wit me. i have
to keep pushing cus i know there's something better. i told james i
hated him....but i don't, that was jst the only word i could think of
that could describe how much pain i felt. i haven't cried but writing
about this is making my eyes tear ughh. im jst idk. im healing slowly.
im tryna force my emotions away...i had sex with a boy i dnt even like
last night jst to feel affection frm somewhere and i was happy before,
during, and after i did it bc i felt like i had broken that loyalty i
always kept to james bt it didn't really solve anything bc im still
alone and no one cares abt what im going thru. i know i can't mask my
pain or heal the right way by trying to keep myself occupied with other
boys. to be honest i don't even have the ability to care abt a boy at
this point. i don't have the ability to trust them. i don't wanna be one
of those bitter girls, i wanna be able to move on and have other
relationships without being scared. but i doubt ill ever give my ♥
away like i did. i wont let myself love that hard again bc its jst too
hard to control the emotions that come along with being that vulnerable.
i wish i could tell him im sorry for the way i went off on him . but i
wish he would tell me he's sorry for telling me he was still in love
when i asked him was he falling out. i guess he couldn't jst straight
out tell me . idk, i can't sit and ask myself a millions questions tht i
dnt and wont ever get answers to. if he ever reads this he'll know im
sorry. i never wanted our last words to have so much hostility and hate.
well, actually my last words. his last words to me were "i DO love you
jellie and gn" . smh, loves crazy man. some people don't get any love at
all and im hurt bc he ONLY loves me bt isn't IN LOVE. its painful tho.
its not the same and if yu everbeen in love you know it isn't. but
nonetheless, im working on myself. i dnt feel like i have personal
issues or can't handle a relationship, i jst feel like I've been hurt so
many times that im scared to lose the person i care abt. and once again,
i lost them. im insecure bc i can't keep love. i push them away bc im
afraid to lose it and i dnt know how to properly express it . i guess
that's a lesson to learn...yu can't be afraid to lose love . i jst hate
the feeling that it leaves. life goes on though. im beautiful, im smart,
im funny . someone deserves me ...i jst need to make a better choice on
who deserves me . goodnight .