loveless .

"i know that i love you but let me jst say, i don't wanna love you in no
kind of way. no, i don't wanna broken heart. i don't wanna be the
brokenhearted girl..noo, noo"

tht song is on repeat in my head. im past my limit . idc anymore, i jst
don't. i don't feel loved anymore... i can't even love him anymore.
what's the point? we can't even be friends bc of this new relationship.
wht am i loving him for? someone already took that position, now we cnt
even be friends !?? whts the point of loving or caring? the relationship
no longer has any meaning. im numb. i can't cry, i cnt be mad, can't be
sad. i jst don't care anymore. its like whatever to fkn everything. i
don't wanna be in love anymore and idc if anyone ever loves me again in
life. love is like a disease tht jst cripples yu. its all great gets you
all high , then when tha high is gone yu hit rock bottom and the pain
jst fks yu up all over. i mean i cnt dwell upon wtf went wrong bt i
loved entirely too hard to end up with nothing. i know i fkd up bt not t
h a t bad ! not to deserve this. how tf am i ever supposed to trust
someone tell me they love me when someone tht i trusted more than
anybody i know, tht loved me first, and i believed loved me jst as much
as i did them fell out and now nothings the same? i don't care if im
ever in another realtionship again if thts what it takes to protect my
heart cus ill never let another person break it again. im not bitter, i
jst dnt care anymore. everytime i think im in love i get hurt. its jst
old now . im not dealin anymore. and im stuck w. either dealin w. niggas
that only wanna fk pretty girls or being stuck friends w. people i like
bc they don't wanna ruin tha friendship. ooh weeelll.

i wish i had a friend right now. i don't have anyone. guess its jst me &
god left. cus people sure don't last long . my stomach is in knots frm
holdin in all the emotion bt i cnt even cry. tears dnt do sht bt make yu
more emotionally exhausted and don't solve shit. so, yea . ill be on my
way now. i trust no one and nothing . everythings deceiving. ill keep
myself satisfied one day at a time & stay true to myself cus im always
gonna be the only person that wont disappoint my feelings or my ♥. i
guess the only person i can love is me. gn.

smfh .

and jst that fast that happy aspect flew out tha window .

fk everybody . im doinn meeeeeeeeee !

:)

im happy right now lol , like all smiles and it feels soo good bt im
scared to enjoy this bc something never fails to snatch it all away . im
jst trying to enjoy this for what its worth. no thinking or wondering bc
the minute you start trying to come up with ways to keep that happiness
is the same minute it ends. but im happy right now. i cnt figure out
what's stronger my heart or my mind bc my heart can feel so complete
when it was jst so broken ...or maybe my mind jst believes what it wants
and convinces my heart to follow . eitherr wayyyyyyy lol. i cnt trust my
heart or my mind right now, i can only trust how i feel...and when it
feels right even though i know its wrong...i know that's a sign i need
it ....i think .

um.

im trying really hard to be okay . not be sad. not cry. bt being all by
myself is hard. i dnt have friends so its hard to keep myself busy. I've
been packing stuff and everything but that still leaves my mind open to
think....im upset still . my ♥ still hurts , i wish i never gave it
away now. i don't wanna go through this anymore it gets easier bt tha
pain never really goes away . its hard to accept that someone all of a
sudden doesn't love you anymore. its hard on me period bc that was like
the best thing tht ever happened to me i don't have tht anymore or my
bestfriend :( my eye keeps dropping tears lol. i jst really wish i could
forget everything. i can't even cherish our good memories the way i used
to bc i jst wanna cry bc we were so happy and i wonder how i fkd up
things so bad tht i made him fall outta love . am i that bad? why can't
anyone love me :( im really like heartbroken. im really trying to nt cry
or dwell on things bt its hard to try to force my ♥ to heal bc the
pain doesn't go away. i don't wanna be bitter or scared . bt i can't
love again, im scared to death. how am i supposed to know someone really
loves me ? i thought i found someone tht loved me to death. through
everything bad and good...im fenna fkn start cryin again . i can't keep
tryna hold back tears bc i dnt wanna cry about this everytime i try to
be okay. how was i wrong ? i believed everything he ever told me bt none
of that means anything anymore bc the choice he made contradicted it
all. all i can do is work on my attitude and being a more positive
person ..i never wanna lose love bc of me anymore it weighs sooo heavy
on me. whatever man , i really hope im healed by next month sometime cus
i don't wanna deal w. this anymore. i don't wanna deal with anything
anymore .

in my opinion ,

I've come to the realization ALL niggas are the same. i used to think
differently bt over these past couple of weeks w. no emotions, or love
or any bullshit of that nature to blind me, im startin to see things for
what they are...people tend to wonder why girls act like bitches and ima
say that: A. bc they choose to be or B. they turned tht way frm being
hurt too many times or C. both ....like i know i act like a btch
sometimes bt im really abt to become a REAL bitch . like i know that my
rudeness is a defense mechanism i now have frm being ran over too many
times by being little miss nice all the time, and i still find myself
doing overly nice shit and still gettin ran tf over . i hate it !!! like
man .im jst fed up . like do i really deserve the way i get treated?? do
i??? i mean forreal!? smh, it makes no sense. doesn't matter if im nice
or if im mean, i always get played in some way. i fkn hate people. i
hate males. and then they wonder why about 75% of all females are bi now
smh . im like what's really the point in trying to be genuine in a
relationship anymore? cus im prolly one of the few genuine ppl left tht
dnt care abt shit like cars nd money but nahhhhhhhhh , im fenna be on
tha same sht as everybdy else for now on ..simply trickin niggas . i
can't love these niggas, they don't fkn deserve it ...its like every man
for hisself, they dnt gaf about yo feelins, wht yu got, what yu goin
thru. its jst all about if yu wanna fk or nt . if yu nt tryin too they
put yu to tha side cus yur not beneficial to them. then if yu wanna fk
its like ima fk her then put her back to tha side cus i can find a new
bitch to fk. whaaat in thee fuck kinda cycle is tht? niggas do anything
for a nut its fkn sad. i swear i hate niggas i jst dnt hate them enough
to start fkn w. females. it really jst sucks tht yu have to be by
yourself all tha time because nobodys worth your damn time. im really
jst about to delete everybody off everything likee what's the point?
everythings limited. they cool for tha amount of time you need them or
they need you then everythings abolished. im really clueless about some
people bc they're like devils in disguise. they jst go bad on yu with no
warning for no reason. its jst exhausting. I've come to the conclusion
that i care about the wrong people. i fall in love with the wrong
people. bc none of those people care about me , and all those people
fall out of love with me . maybe im jst not loveable or some shit idk ,
im really starting nt to care lol. i waste entirely too much energy
trying to keep love and friendship . fuck it all. all i want is my money
and my education. fuck marriage , fuck kids . i dnt want none of that bc
i can't see myself finding someone worth sharing that with. i thought i
found the perfect person but i was wrong . same shit in a different
light. but anywho im jst blabbing now . i said what i had to .... so
goodnight .

i finally broke down ...

i started off cryin cus i was thinkin about how much i miss my cuhkzo
cus he always popped up at times like this. he always listened to me
vent and never judged me and he always had somethin to say to make me
feel better . always looked out for me man , even frm the beginning smh
. he always tried to warn me before things went bad .. and even tho
james asked him to be there that whole time he was in jail, i
appreciated tf outta that. bc he didn't have to check on me everyday bt
he did and idk wht i wouldve done if he didn't keep me company tht
entire month . im sooo fkn madd !! why they have to do him like that :'(
i can't stop cryinn ...and i can't figure out if its cus now james is
gone too. and im gonna assume so cus typin tht jst made me start all
over:'(......i cnt type hldon.

man, ima miss b. i know him nd james bumped heads a lot bt even when me
& james wasn't together, brandon would always be like wassup cuhkzo!
lol. tht was my nigga man, we never argued in tha time we knew each
other all we did was laugh n tlk shit and even when one of us was down
we'd jst help each other out of it ...i dnt have anybody else like that
in my life . i dnt even have my best friend anymore...my play sis actin
brand new. regular friends actin brand new. i don't have anybody. but i
guess ill be alright. i was doin good nt cryin about my relationship bt
thinkin abt how i wish b was still here ...smh tht shit made me cry. he
may nt have been a saint and i cnt say if he was a good friend to
everyone bt he was a good one to me and i loved him for that. he didn't
deserve his life gettin taken frm him. i hate people. as for james...idk
how to feel, im over it and i was proud of myself for nt crying bt deep
down inside i think i have a lot of pain tht im jst afraid to touch. idk
how or when it'll go away bt hopefully i jst forget about it and keep
moving forward . i wish i could forget everything now cus the memories
hurt . our good memories make me cry bc now it reminds me of when he
still loved me . i wonder if he thinks of me . prolly not cus he's all
into his new love bt w.e . im trying to stay strong all by myself . im
my own support system . ill be okay ... god help me :(

i finally broke down ...

i started off cryin cus i was thinkin about how much i miss my cuhkzo
cus he always popped up at times like this. he always listened to me
vent and never judged me and he always had somethin to say to make me
feel better . always looked out for me man , even frm the beginning smh
. he always tried to warn me before things went bad .. and even tho
james asked him to be there that whole time he was in jail, i
appreciated tf outta that. bc he didn't have to check on me everyday bt
he did and idk wht i wouldve done if he didn't keep me company tht
entire month . im sooo fkn madd !! why they have to do him like that :'(
i can't stop cryinn ...and i can't figure out if its cus now james is
gone too. and im gonna assume so cus typin tht jst made me start all
over:'(......i cnt type hldon.

man, ima miss b. i know him nd james bumped heads a lot bt even when me
& james wasn't together, brandon would always be like wassup cuhkzo!
lol. tht was my nigga man, we never argued in tha time we knew each
other all we did was laugh n tlk shit and even when one of us was down
we'd jst help each other out of it ...i dnt have anybody else like that
in my life . i dnt even have my best friend anymore...my play sis actin
brand new. regular friends actin brand new. i don't have anybody. but i
guess ill be alright. i was doin good nt cryin about my relationship bt
thinkin abt how i wish b was still here ...smh tht shit made me cry. he
may nt have been a saint and i cnt say if he was a good friend to
everyone bt he was a good one to me and i loved him for that. he didn't
deserve his life gettin taken frm him. i hate people. as for james...idk
how to feel, im over it and i was proud of myself for nt crying bt deep
down inside i think i have a lot of pain tht im jst afraid to touch. idk
how or when it'll go away bt hopefully i jst forget about it and keep
moving forward . i wish i could forget everything now cus the memories
hurt . our good memories make me cry bc now it reminds me of when he
still loved me . i wonder if he thinks of me . prolly not cus he's all
into his new love bt w.e . im trying to stay strong all by myself . im
my own support system . ill be okay ... god help me :(

:)

i went out last night w. one of my exes and his bro to this afterparty
at this club in marina del rey on the pier ..it was so pretty ! but i
had fun lol. i was a lil iffy cus i dnt really care for goin out w. boys
cus i cnt have my lil grp of friends dancin w. me buuuuut i was tht bad
bitch by tha bar workin niggas ;) i seen my ex lookin lol i was laughin
in my head and his damn bro kept pullin me dancin w. me and tha its
funny cus he been tryna get at me on tha low, but i dnt do that tlk to
one nigga then move to the next family member that's triflin ...nt to
mention his bro aint cute lol. but it was nice chillinn w. my ex he was
flirtin and gon get mad cus all his homiess was askin who i was lmao .
when we got in tha car he gon say, " smh" ..i was like why yu shakin yo
head for?..he was like "cus yu ON!!"..i was like what yu didn't know??
he said "mann , everybody was on yu askin who yu were"..i said ha, and
what yu say 'my homegirl'...he was like nahh i told em yu was my ex and
theyy was likee awww damn!...i said "aw! hater!!" lmao!.....shit some of
them niggas was bomb :) i was tlkin to this tall liteskinn at tha bar bt
wasn't no point in canoodling since im movin on fridayy .. they asked me
to come w. them to the bet awards afterparty tnitee but i gotta do some
movin and washinn and im nt even fenna feel like puttin on some heels &
a dress after all that lol...so i guess i have to miss it . buuut it was
fun , too bad me and my ex always beefin otherwise i prolly woulda been
goin out w. him lol. oh well , im jst glad i enjoyed my last weekend out
here in california . i was considering havinn a lil late night special
w. myy ex for old times sake BUT i was like nahhhh lol i could tell he
wanted it especially after we danced cus his flirting w. me went up x10
lol. i wanted to have sex one more time before i move bc i know im about
to go back celibate for awhilee :/ but im nt fenna chase niggas for dick
smh and im nt puttin it out there to offer Sheeeit . so oh well i guess
my celibacy starts now lol. i enjoyed my last time tho :) hopefully my
nxt surpasses that . ugh , i dnt wanna have TOO HIGH hopes for vegas
buuuut i definately want it to be more enjoyable than this sht ! lol. i
got 2 months until skool starts sooo i guess i can kill off clubs in tha
meanwhile , hopefully i find that jooob... i hate hustlin in heat bt i
gotta do what needs to be done right? correct . but yeaa im fenna get up
and start bck w. this moving process *sigh* ill be back sooner than
later , gn !

its just me, myself, and i .

well, its no secret friends have expiration dates just like most shit
but i didn't expect to lose practically everyone i socialize w. in the
same month. im not understanding what i did wrong but i guess . first i
lost my bestfriend. now the 2nd closest person to me faked on me today .
and everyone else i tlk to on the regular is jst plain actin funny since
im moving. i simply don't have the energy to try to find out why no one
wants to tlk to me anymore. it seems like everyones happy and talkative
when im goin thru some shit but when im happy and wanna be happy,
everyone wants to act brandnew. at this point im like whatever. yu come
in this world alone, and yu die alone ...life isn't supposed to be
lonely bt I've adapted. i guess i can't keep expecting much frm anyone
bc the only person that'll never disappoint is myself. i just want to
move and find a fkn job to keep myself occupied. im nt about to cry cus
i don't have friends, im jst lowkey upset that nobody in the world knows
how to be genuine anymore. people are jst fake for no reason. its always
competition its always talking behind someones back its always tryna fk
with someone elses man its always some bullshit . i dnt have time for
that. like what happened to havin someone to confide in that's always
there to pick yu up and make u smile? shits practically nonexistant and
i can't call it karma bc I've never been a bad friend to anyone, if i
dnt like yu im simply nt gonna speak to you im not about to smile and be
nice then tlk shit afterwards tht shits dumb. buuuuuut i guess that's
the way things go in 2010 lol.

in other news i was talkin to zahkeem this morning..yea yea i kno. and i
had asked wht made him fall outta love and he said he didn't remember bt
he knows it was bc i was too negative and sad and always focused on more
bad than good.... it kinda sucks cus i guess that's like the same reason
james left. only difference is i left zahkeem bc of his ignorance....its
jst a reality check , i wish i wouldve noticed how bad it was before i
lost people i loved. and i hate negative people but i never noticed i
was one of them :-/ but im nt negative about other people , i usually go
hard on myself...bt either way i guess that's not tha best trait .
ssooooo with that said I've been doin a lot of reflecting and im working
on seeing life and things in another perspective...im entirely way too
smart and pretty to focus on so many negative things. i wanna be happy
and so i am . im choosing to to say fuck everything and be happy. im
letting go of the past and starting over bc the only person that can
change me is me. and i wanna grow frm my mistakes...i don't wanna lose
another person i love over the same thing bc it jst hurts too bad to
feel like your giving everything to make it work but it never works
anyways...im doing really good tho ! im actually proud of myself. i
haven't been crying and im nt depressed either. i don't hurt anymore. i
can think about the situation and just accept it for what it is. i cnt
say im nt sad that i lost my ♥ in the process but this is my time to
grow. i jst hope i can find my ♥ again.

revelation ..

i dnt even know where to start. me and james are done. like done done.
he finally told me he's nt in love w. me anymore :-/ and as much as it
hurt me to hear it, i kinda already knew that. i guess a womans
intuition is never wrong. i went through my sadness bt i didn't cry,
there's no point in being upset about something you can't control. we
both contributed to it but to me ill always feel like if i didn't always
try to make him stay by telling him ineeded him to live, and i was
gonna hurt myself when i thought he was gonna leave...i wouldnt have
scared him away. i can't say i lied bc i did feel like i wanted to die
when i felt he was gonna leave bc he means so much to me, bt i guess
that's being melodramatic bc i knew i could live w/o him...thing is i
was jst afraid to lose him. i lost him anyways so i guess icant start
with the shoulda, coulda, woulda's now that its over. i wish i knew that
i jst lost him bc i lost him and i didn't kno there was another girl he
loved in the equation that helped make it easier. i shoulda walked along
time ago so ill blame that on myself.

I've been thinking so much these past few days and im okay. i jst need
to stay strong and move forward, im only 21...i kno id rather give up
then keep pushing sometimes bt that's jst the devil fkn wit me. i have
to keep pushing cus i know there's something better. i told james i
hated him....but i don't, that was jst the only word i could think of
that could describe how much pain i felt. i haven't cried but writing
about this is making my eyes tear ughh. im jst idk. im healing slowly.
im tryna force my emotions away...i had sex with a boy i dnt even like
last night jst to feel affection frm somewhere and i was happy before,
during, and after i did it bc i felt like i had broken that loyalty i
always kept to james bt it didn't really solve anything bc im still
alone and no one cares abt what im going thru. i know i can't mask my
pain or heal the right way by trying to keep myself occupied with other
boys. to be honest i don't even have the ability to care abt a boy at
this point. i don't have the ability to trust them. i don't wanna be one
of those bitter girls, i wanna be able to move on and have other
relationships without being scared. but i doubt ill ever give my ♥
away like i did. i wont let myself love that hard again bc its jst too
hard to control the emotions that come along with being that vulnerable.
i wish i could tell him im sorry for the way i went off on him . but i
wish he would tell me he's sorry for telling me he was still in love
when i asked him was he falling out. i guess he couldn't jst straight
out tell me . idk, i can't sit and ask myself a millions questions tht i
dnt and wont ever get answers to. if he ever reads this he'll know im
sorry. i never wanted our last words to have so much hostility and hate.
well, actually my last words. his last words to me were "i DO love you
jellie and gn" . smh, loves crazy man. some people don't get any love at
all and im hurt bc he ONLY loves me bt isn't IN LOVE. its painful tho.
its not the same and if yu everbeen in love you know it isn't. but
nonetheless, im working on myself. i dnt feel like i have personal
issues or can't handle a relationship, i jst feel like I've been hurt so
many times that im scared to lose the person i care abt. and once again,
i lost them. im insecure bc i can't keep love. i push them away bc im
afraid to lose it and i dnt know how to properly express it . i guess
that's a lesson to learn...yu can't be afraid to lose love . i jst hate
the feeling that it leaves. life goes on though. im beautiful, im smart,
im funny . someone deserves me ...i jst need to make a better choice on
who deserves me . goodnight .

well ,

im alright . im nt 100% happy but im workin on it . emotions go hard on
you . on me anyways ...im tired bt we got abt 9 days til we movin up out
this btchh & we haven't finished packinn ..so this week is gonna be
exhausting to say tha least ... bt im ready for a change , hopefully i
like this city tha way i want to ...everyone else does so im sure i
should...i jst want a job . money keeps anyone happy , especially me .
im goin up to my skool tmw to fix my resume` and apply for some jobs
after i request to have my transcripts sent off ...i know im avoiding
tlkn about my relationship bt i dnt really want to ...we talked . im
alright so i guess im moving along . i have a headachee . i didn't even
really feel like blogging bt i dnt like leaving off on a melodramtic
note. save your commentary on the previous posts . thanks .goodnight .

broken hearted girl.

I've been layin in the same position for the past 4 hours. i cried til i
fell asleep, woke up and cried again bt i can't fall back asleep....how
many tears do you have to cry until it doesn't hurt anymore? how many
times do i have to make the same mistake until i learn im making the
wrong choice? what did i do so wrong that i deserve to get my heart
broken this many times??? i wish i could sit down and have a real heart
to heart w. God, cus the devil is riding my ass right now. i been
thinkin about dying for the past 2 hours. ways to die. how to die that
wont be hard on eveyone else. do i tell someone or do i leave a letter?
it really makes no difference. i have no one that cares . i don't wanna
be preached to . and i don't feel like being judged . i jst wanna stop
hurting. im crying bc i don't wanna keep hurting so much id rather be
dead. bt why do i constantly have to be in pain? why? what did i do sooo
wrong? why does this keep happening to me? whyyy. why do people that
don't care about life wanna die and have to force themselves to live .
bt people that love their life get it taken from them? this whole past
week has been about death. i figure yeaa people will be hurt if i die
but they'll be alright eventually. life goes on whether im alive or dead
. im upset that im in so much pain that i jst wanna die. i don't even
care about getting over it bc the shit is neverending. i jst wanna close
my eyes and die. and the only thing keeping me alive right now is
brandon telling me i don't want that and i feel it would be wrong to do
that when someone took that from him ... i swear to god i wish he was
still here to give me some advice on what to do...i guess i gotta take
it for what its worth . i never understood what "love is pain" really
meant until now. youve never experienced REAL pain until you've suffered
a broken heart. i feel so stupid. im mad at myself for giving so much
love away. for believing in love to solve everything. for trusting him
with my heart so many times. i know he's upset with me bc i prolly
pissed him off on his fathersday and him being able to see his son
...and i doapologize for that bc he deserved to enjoy today bc i know
he's been hurting ...but i cnt hold back these emotions. i wanna go
crazy and it takes everything inme to break myself down to jst crying
instead of being a woman with a scorned heart....i don't wanna put
myself out of character bc if i do die i don't wanna be remembered for
that. i wish i could say how i really felt but i don't have thestrength
to write all that without crying like a bby. i wanna close my eyes and
jst never wake up ...the best die with broken hearts anyways.

i wish i could get back to that happy state of mind. i let it go , its
hard to get back. how can i be happy when im sad with and im sad
without? i need a blunt bt that would only make my anxiety worse. im
wondering what god still has in store for me to keep me motivated...to
keep pushing..i try my best to do my best. i go to school, i do good in
school. i don't wild out. i don't drink, i don't smoke anymore, i don't
have promiscuous sex...why don't i get anything i want?? why can't i be
blessed with something to keep me happy..why am i cursed with broken
hearts..my hearts been broken in every relationship I've ever been in
where i actually cared about someone, and so i start to wonder if its
me? but im always told its not, or that they just dnt know how to treat
me...so if they don't know how and im willing to let them learn, why
don't they? i can't go through this process of getting to knw someone
again, im scared to fall again. im terrified of love. im in it and
sometimes i wish i never fell. i fell so hard im stuckand everytime i
try to get up its like i fall all over again. as many times as I've been
hurt i shouldn't even care bt each time it jst gets worse, and i get
weaker. nobody on this earth can convince me that it'll be alright bc
everytime i hear that...its not alright. i hate feeling this weak and
vulnerable. insecure and broken. i don't even trust anything anymore. im
skeptical bc when i put my trust into believing something i get misled.
i don't understand, guys tlk all this shit about how girls lie and aint
no wifeys and blah blah blah but everything about what i do is genuine .
i don't cheat, i don't lie, i don't mess with other dudes, i believe in
loyalty, i believe in ridin together thru the good and the bad. when was
that ever taken for granted? when did people decide they don't want
that? i don't even have the heart or energy to become one of those foul
ass females that fit that description bc my heart was built out of love.
but its been broken so many times i can't figure out what it needs and
what it doesn't. i feel like dying. i hate when im at this point . when
i jst wanna give up bc trying doesn't lead to anything but more trying
and more tears. i wish i could trade my life for my aunt and
brandon...two people full of life that enjoyed life..and someone else
took it away from them ..but i can't even say that on behalf of b bc he
would be mad at me for even going back to this state of mind...but damn
man, taking it one day at a time is jst as hard. i literally have no
one. i jst wish i could hear an i love you because i need it. i wish
someone loved me as hard as i love. i jst wanna feel it. i don't ever
wanna have to doubt it. whatever , i give up . im not okay and no ones
even around to tell me its gonna be okay. why should it matter whether
im around or not. i dontcare anymore.

dear O9.O9.O8 ,

ima mess . emotionally, im exhausted. physically im beat bt my brain
wont quit so nonetheless im awake thinking about shit im tired of thinkn
about. i swear i hate the fact emotions derive from deep in your brain
bc if i could control them id plain n simple cut them off . i shouldn't
even be stressed about sshit i have control over. i choose to deal with
the relationship we have, i keep myself in it but i can't control the
emotional attachment that comes with it. i feel like screaming someone
help me, listen to me, console me, give me answers! but no ones here,
and even if they were they couldn't give me any answers bc your the only
one that has them. i wish i had someone here but in return i push
everyone away bc i jst wanna be alone. alone is not good. im always
alone..i feel like no one even cares about me . i dnt care bt i do. its
hurts bc i feel like im always here for people bt when i need someone,
where is everyone? .. im tired of crying to myself everynight, i can't
even explain why i do. i guess emotional release , i wish i could
explain what emotions i was feeling but there's so many i feel like im
about to pop. i know im hurt . but there's nothin new about that, im
always hurting. and ill probably continue to hurt until my heart is
completed again. i don't deserve what i go through bt i guess that's no
ones fault but mines bc i put my heart before my mind. im scared to walk
away from all the time and energy I've invested in this relationship.and
all i can think about is wishing i could go back and run into your arms
when yu first fell in love with me before everything got complicated.
that's something i can't do tho. love makes you so stupid, i swear
..like i know yu feel like u don't deserve me bc yu hurt me alot, its
mostly unintentional bc im highly sensitive so its forgivable..bt at the
same time im upset bc im tired of feeling like my best isn't good
enough. I've given everything i have. my all. my everything. I've been
loyal, honest, dedicated, consistent, given unconditional love, forgave,
tried to forget, cried, laughed, smiled, been there, given you time,
space. anything youve ever asked for. but it still feels like im not
giving enough..sometimes i start to doubt our love bc sometimes it feels
like youve pulled away. sometimes i wanna hate you bc i know you see all
of this but yu still don't give me the recognition i want. who's fault
is that?? mine or yours? i guess mine bc i can sit and list all this
shit and im still dealing with it. bt i guess its yours too bc you can't
accept what's in front of you. we have the best communication in our
relationship, we talk about everything and i would probably be telling
you this over the phone but i can't right now. its unbelievable to me
how everytime we stop talking its so hard on me...idk how i lasted that
month you were in jail, well i do but if i made it thru that this
shouldn't phase me... yu know what scares me? uncertainty. your
uncertainty. my uncertainty. your not sure what you want, youve been
tryna decide for about a year now, . your certain yu need me in your
life..but uncertain about what? my love? if you could really stay with
me? if im the one for you? who yu love more out of me and her?...my only
uncertainty when it comes to you is if staying by your side through all
of this is worth it in the end. am i waiting to finally be happy when
your ready? or am i setting myself up for disappointment bc im hoping
that everything we've talked about involving our future will one day
become reality. i can't make you love me the way i love you. i cnt make
yu love me more, want me more, need me more. i can't make you see what
you have if you can't see it. but if you want less than that, and you
love her games, immaturity, arguments, disrespect..then who am i to tell
you what yu need. i don't think that's what you deserve but if that's
what you choose then maybe it is. you probably don't deserve me, bt you
have a good heart. who's ever loved me like you? you loved me when i
didn't even love you. we've been in love for over a year, i can't jst
throw it all away bc im tired of fighting. anything worth keeping is
worth fighting for bt i can't fight by myself. if your not fighting for
me to keep lovin you then why should i keep fighting for you to keep
loving me? i hope this time your taking is helping you put things in
perspective and helping you see things for what they are. who you need
and who you don't. you might nt need either of us , i guess you could
jst go back to being single and doing that lifestyle bc flirting and fkn
girls without emotional attachment is easier on your heart....i hope
that's not what you choose bt i can't prevent it either. one thing i am
sure of is that i love you. i love you completely. heart, mind, body,
soul, flaws and all. if i didn't except the imperfections then i wouldnt
be able to appreciate your perfections for what they really are. and no
ones perfect so i can't say you have perfections but your heart is a
perfect match for mine. and for that reason, youll always be the perfect
man for me. my soulmate, lover, confidant, bestfriend, my bighead...i
jst hope you can see that for yourself.

update..6/16 1:04am .

i haven't blogged in awhile. partly bc its been a lot going on, partly
bc i wasn't ready to talk about, and partly bc i hate blogging my
personal life bc so many ppl i know read my blog like a book and then
tlk to me about like i brought it up with them .. its cool tho, i chose
to put it in public domain so whatever. so much has happened in the last
few weeks i dnt even know where to begin ...schools over, two ppl i love
died, me and james are on another break, im moving to vegas on the
2nd...jst a lot . bt okay i guess ill start in that order.

my last day of school was last wednesday. my finals weren't as hard as i
thought , to be honest i didn't study much for any of them bc i wanted
to test how much i actually learned over the semester. i got my grades
the other day and i pulled 2 A's, 1 B and 1 C . i wish i could've made
that C into a B bt that was my math class and considering over half the
class dropped or stopped coming and about 5 outta 10 of us left were
failing im happy with my C. so yea next subject..

two people that were dear to my heart died 3 days apart . made me do
alot of contemplating on life... first, my moms sister, my only aunt
died. now i only have great-aunts(my gma's sisters) left. she died on
the friday after memorial day..i wont get into the details of her death
bt its debated to whether it was her fault or she was killed..bt either
way she's nt here anymore. i went to her funeral today and i held up
better than i thought. my mom almost made me break cus she started
crying but i had to be her support system since her husband acts like
he's scared to hold her. she cried on my shoulder and he patted her
back..i smiled a lot at the memories of her tho. i loved my auntie, she
had her downfalls but she always had me laughin . i took her back home
tht tuesday after memorial day and she was was tlkin shit the whole way
like "don't trust no nigga! cus niggas aint shit!" lol. our last bonding
memories was prolly the 2 months she lived with us last year ...i miss
watching good times and stanford and son with her on tv land at 2 in the
mornin lol. but the last thing i said to my auntie before she died was i
love you so im at peace in my heart...

the 2nd person was my cuhkzo brandon..he wasn't my actual cousin. he was
actually james's but i got to know him well over the last 10 months. i
actually JST talked about him like 2 posts ago when i said he told me to
talk to james cus he missed me...smh. bt he was murdered. and my heart
breaks for him, james and his family. especially his daughter bc she's
still a bby and now she has to grow up without a father tht loved her to
death. i know ima miss tf outta brandon man ..he's the only person i
could tlk to about james that actually knew him well enough to give me
advice that meant something to me. he was always there to listen to me
vent about our problems, he never complained. and always told me nt to
trip..he'd be like "man cuhkzo don't trip, james loves yu trust me yu
jst need to give him time to figure it out" and thts what i did. ima
always remeber him for touchin my heart when i wanted to die, if it
wasn't for james and him idk what i wouldve done...it meant a lot to me
for him to genuinely care about whether i lived or died bc a lot of
people a turn a blind eye when they hear yu tlkin crazy...bt im glad i
have nothing but laughs and good memories to remember him by...

james took it so hard. that was like his brother and i tried my best to
be there for him but i can only be there so much and give him enough
space to mourn . i mourned twice myself bt after so many tears fall you
become numb. on top of this happening james informed me he's going into
the army. the army. smh. i cried. but i can't change what he wants...he
wants to do that for his bbys and i can do nothing bt respect it . we're
back to not talking again bc he needs time to get hisself together
...and im back to contemplating whether its worth holding on or letting
go... you know albert einstein said "insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results." ...the pastor at
my aunts funeral said the same shit minus the insanity part and it hit
me like...why do i keep going thru this and giving him time and waiting
hoping for something different to happen when it always comes back to
the same result?? i guess i must be crazy to have hope and faith tht one
day he'll come back around to me.. i guess wanting a future with the
person i love is far fetched..i wish i knew it was jst tht he needed
time to be ready for a relationship and nt what i know he really needs
time for ..it makes my heart hurt .. and i figure even if i decided to
let go ill have to let go regardless when he leaves for service. but
thinking of letting go of the person thts everything to me jst makes me
break down . i guess that makes me weak bc im scared to walk away from
the only person i talk to everyday, the only person that can put a smile
on my face no matter what and take away all my pain. the only person
that i tell all my secrets to..he's so much more to me than jst the
person im in love with and i used to be with. that's my best friend he
means everything in the world to me and im trying so hard to stay
together while were not communicating but id be lying if i said i didn't
miss him. i look forward to talking to him everyday. talking to him
before i go to bed. smh . i get frustrated and mad and i go off on him
and jst wanna say fk it but 20 mins later when it settles...i can't jst
say fk it and walk away. who else is gonna be there for him and care for
him the way i do? my sister said the same shit. she said, "jst give him
his space bt don't leave him angelica..who else really cares about him
the way you do?" and dnt get me wrong, im pretty sure his mom and
sisters and his family does bt as for non-family im positive i have
everyone beat. id do anything for tht man whether he'd do the same for
me or not. but yeaa im rambling. mostly about the same sht i have been
for the past year smh. i really need to pull it together and figure out
if holding on to our love is better than letting it go. bt that'll come
in time...

on another note..im finally moving ! las vegas here i comeeee ! im
excited for something new.. i need change hopefully this is fun and i
meet new people ...i have fam out there bt no friends. james lives out
there now..bt i probably only have a few months to enjoy tht before he
chooses to leave for training and duty ...if we even come back together.
i haven't talked to ms. daja in awhilee bt i wonder if she still stays
in vegas...ill have to write her cus idk if yu still read my blog lol.
and anyone else tht lives in vegas tht follows my blog feel free to hmu
and let me knoww cus i do need a couple friends lol. i start school out
there in august and i need to find a job so we'll see how that goes :)
im confident tho so idk when ill be blogging again ill prolly be back in
a couple weeks ..i love you guys stay up.