salty face pt. three

idk what to say .
to continue explaining how i feel would just be repetitive .
i hate repetition , so i cant expect yall to enjoy it .
kinda fcked up .
cus besides the fact i dont have anyone to talk to that could
t r u l y make me feel better .
i dont even feel comfortable expressing myself on my own fckin blog
cus i dont wanna bore my readers . && i really appreciate you guys
cus yall give great advice bt man .
smh .
ive been dead weight all day .
i tryed to sleep it away ; didnt work .
prolly wouldnt have ate if mom didnt bring me a plate ; cus i had no appetite.
i havent spoken at all ; unless i was spoken to .
no aims ; cus i dont wanna be bothered .
i just been sitting in this same spot all day ,
listening to music and waiting .
for what ?
him .
he hasnt came . && as much i want him to i cant make him .
i have things i wanna say that i cant .
so instead they're balled up in my throat .
&& everytime i think about it my throat burns , then my face gets hot , then my eyes water .
i hate to admit im like this .
to show im weak . . .
i should be strong .
but i want what i want .
and im not getting it .
i wont be happy until i settle things .
i cant say whatever idc ; bcus i do .
i cant talk to someone else ; bcus i dont wanna talk to anyone else.
him . only him . no one else .
at this moment idgaf about anyone else .
this weighs heavy on my heart .
he's avoiding me because he knows that if he talks to me
he'll give in.
hes trying to stand his ground , teach me a lesson .
i know him .
i just want him to miss me like im missing him .
he does . bt he's angry .
i do bt its bcus i know i made the mistake .
i can apologize a million times for what i did .
bt it doesnt change the fact its already happened .
&& i cant help but be mad at MYSELF because i KNEW that
i SHOULDNT have did it bcause i KNEW it wasnt important .
i did it anyways .
this is the second time being hardheaded fcked me over .
now i cant do anything but blame myself for putting me in this lonely misery .
i was antisocial before bt , now i dont wanna talk to ANYONE AT ALL .
i prolly wouldnt even respond to my mom , if i knew she wouldnt get mad .
im speechless .
idc about anything but getting my baby back
and getting us back to how we were .
cus i NEED that .
hes the smile on my face for no reason at all .
hes my only good thing , i can smile about cus its going right .
&& now that im sad .
i still think about him just as much as before but instead of smiles & tingles
i get sadness & tears .
i would never wish this on anybody .
im trying so hard to keep myself together .
im not going to fall apart .
but hes the bond that holds me together .
i was reading brook lynne 's blog [http://absolutebrook.blogspot.com]
earlier && she said something that really stuck .
she said , i can not control my emotions , but i CAN control my actions .
&& thats what it is. my lesson is learned .
ive learned to think before my actions and listen to my conscience,
cus in the end i wont be able to control how i feel & control the tears .