love & life .

i had a long day today .
i learned , i had an understanding , i grew .
today i watched "not easily broken" & it wasn't my first time seeing it
but for w.e reason , it made me think more abt love and life .
i cryed bc i related on a lot of things . i understood .
i was happy at the end bc they didn't give up on their love .
on life .
i did a lot of thinking about my life .
i hate my life .
always have since about 5th or 6th grade , and i layed and tryed to
understand why ?
it makes me so sad that i don't love myself the way that i should .
and i couldn't come up with any reasons for why i shouldn't .
i grew up with both parents . i wasn't molested or beat . i didn't grow
up in the ghetto or withhout morals or rules .
my mother worked hard to give me a good childhood , a good life .
i never wanted for anything , not as a child anyway .
i got everything i wanted for xmas . i had friends . i did good in skool
. i even got a best reader award at my 6th grade promotion .
but now that i said that you know that's the first time I've actually
remembered that since i prolly got it .
i never give myself any credit . im not sure if its modesty or
insecurity .
I've made 4.0`s , 3.0`s shit , my 1st semester in college i maintained a
3.0 .
I've always been told i was smart . I've always earned A's & B's but
I've never felt smart . i mean i know im not stupid . i don't think im
stupid . i just always feel like someones smarter . but see im very
intelligent . it reflects a lot when i talk and write bc people notice
and always bring it to my attention . im not ashamed lol . i like it .
ignorant is something i was taught not to be . i digress . .
even to I've been told i was pretty/beautiful my whole life , it took me
til about 10th grade to actually see MYSELF as pretty . sometimes i look
in the mirror and i still don't see what other people see . but i don't
understand why i don't see it . bc I've never been called ugly . fat
maybe lol , never ugly . to my knowledge , shit everyones entitled to
their own opinion :)
i digress . . .
my self esteem had been low for as long as I've been old enough to have
self esteem . and i still can't understand why.
i tryed to figure oout how the way i love fits into my life and i
realized that since i was little I've always admired love . princesses &
princes , barbie & ken . mom & dad . boyf & girlf . I've always wanted
to just be in love and happily ever after . but in all those fairy tales
they never tell you how hard it is . that love has ups and downs .
stresses and struggles . tha bad and the good . love isn't just
happiness and smiles til yu get old and die . but it can be if yu work
at it .
I've blogged about a million times about how much i love james and no
matter how many times i express the way i feel yall could never
understand the way he makes me feel or what he meaans to me .
because by myself . I've always hated myself , always wanted to die ,
just never tried . bc see in the back of my ♥ , i wanna see life . i
wanna live life . and im heartbroken that i don't understand why i feel
tht way . I've learned to love myself but see not to the point i know im
supposed to .
i say all the time i love james more then me . and i shouldn't but i do
. then the more i thought , it dawned on me that he loves me more than i
love myself . and i cried .
bc at that point it all made sense . i never thought about it before but
when i feel like dying and i say things of that nature . HE gets mad .
he haaaates when i say shit about not wanting to live and he tells me
not to say things like that and that it makes him sad . . .how can he
love me so much that he wants me to live even when i wanna die?
why don't i love myself enough to wanna live? what am i missing ? why
would i give my life to save his in a heatbeat? why do i wanna die if he
ever left my life ?
i think the way i feel about myself has a lot to do with my insecurities
and how i get insecure in our relationship . i feel inferior to other
girls bc i feel like he might think their prettier than me . or have a
nicer body . or have more money . more independent . everything i feel
insecure about . but then i thought about how he calls me beautiful .
and he tells me every chance he gets . and he likes my body and doesn't
care that i don't . he always says " idc if yu don't like it bc i do" .
he's never once said anything to me about not having a job or nt having
my own place even tho im 21 . he never even complained about me not
having a car when i didn't . and for that im soo fucking grateful . bc i
never thought about how all the shit i worry about never mattered to him
. im ashamed . i can't believe how it took me this long to see all this
.
he always says i deserve better than him . but sometimes i don't feel
like i deserve him .
he's made his mistakes but one thing i never forgot that he told me is
"im growing and i want you to be here while i grow " and from that day
til now , i never left . i don't wanna leave . bc see like that movie ,
im not easily broken . and i cherish him . his ♥ and his love . he
tells me i worry i too much and i do . i have anxiety and i admit
sometimes it does get bad . i worry too much about every little thing
and although i know i should probably let go . its hard for me . but im
trying , im tryinggg bc i know that if i don't learn to live and let go
ill corrupt what we have bc im holding on too tight .
I've always wanted kids . thought about it . but i just realized how
much i need it . i want something to live for . i don't wanna get
depressed and give up on life . i should live for me . but i think i
live for my mom and james more than for myself bc if i didnt have them i
prolly wouldve done something dumb along time ago . . .
i don't want them to feel responsible for me living bc they shouldn't
have to , it isn't fair .
i can't even imagine my mom knowing i felt this way about me and my life
.
can't imagine her at my funeral .
and i don't wanna imagine myself at hers .
she's getting sick . and she's getting worse . she had breast cancer
when i was really young bt survived but now its like frm years of
alcohol abuse , drug use , and cigerettesmoking i knoooow their gonna
say she has something wrong with her . she's unhealthy and it really
breaks my ♥ bc she wont go to tha doctor .
my mom is and has always been my provider , she gave me life and if i
lose her anytime soon my whole worlds gonna come crashing down bc she
provides my food and shelter , she helps me when i need it . she's there
. if you take her away my whole life will change . and she'd give
anything for her 1st grandbaby but i need her to stay alive for at least
another 10 years so that i could give her that . i really want to bc i
would regret not giving her that . . . and on another note my dad . . .
i haven't seen in almost 2 years now . not bc i can't or don't want to
bt jus bc i haven't . and that's a poor excuse . and in this 2 years
I've been gone he's only provided me withhhhhhhh . . . 300$ for books
for skool (which wasn't enough) $80 for my 21st birthday $60 for my
phone and maybe an occasional 20$ or 40$ bc i asked . i never ask my
dad for anything and its nt bc i dnt want to but bc he always says he
cnt help or doesn't help the way i need to . he said he didn't have
money to buy me a plane ticket my own gma's funeral . smh . i feel sad .
he's getting old and he still works . i think he's gonna work hisself to
death and ever since my mom left him , then i moved down here its just
been him . i couldve stayed with him , but he crushed my dream when he
wouldnt let me go to FIDM and rearranged my whole after hs life . . .
so i left . it took me two years to go back to skool bt im there now . i
know what i want and im determined to get to it . i just wish i had
enough life motivation to keep me going when the rest of my life isn't
breaking me down .
i hold onto james bc he inspires me . he's motivated and determined . he
works hard . i admire him not bc he's my bf but bc of who he is and what
he does as a person . he makes me happy and when im happy i accomplish
things too . and im happy to share that with him . and he's happy for me
and there's nothing i love more then making him happy lol .
i jst wish i could take away his pain & problems and replace them with
making him happier . i hope i get that chance .
but i just poured my heart and secrets out so my heart feels a little
lighter but my head is killinnnn me , so on that note . ill be back
sooner than later .

spoke too soon .

i don't even have any words .
but my intuition was preety on track .
i asked him if i was ruining us or felt like we was about to break up .
he said he felt it too .
he told me to just chill .
i don't know how to feel .
i could feel it cus what we used to do now we don't .
he used to txt me and wake me up every morning .
i miss that .
now i do it but its nt tha same .
i feel like im saying i love you too much .
but when he says it back its "ily2" .
like .
i feel dumb .
i miss him tellin me i love you . maybe i don't deserve one.
i feel like im loving so hard tht im losing myself .
that can't be good .
its kinda how i used to feel with z .
like im giving all my love but no matter how much i give it , it doesn't
change anything .
i can tell him i love you a million times but when does i love you ever
mean more than it already does?
everytime i say i love you . its bc my love just grew that muc more .
but i guess i can't expect someone else to love the same way i do .
my love really is one of a kind .
im not even mad .
i don't even care .
no wait im lying . cus i do care .
i really don't wanna lose our relationship over my insecurities and
that's what breaks down relationships .
man i really wish i had my confidence i had back .
i guess i gotta wait to get it back .
i can get it back .
but it takes time . i just don't know how much time .
i don't wanna lose his love in the process .
im already mad at myself for feeling like this .
i just wannna . . .
go away .
drive away .
go somewhere .
dissappear .
i just need . . .idk what i need . i just don't even wanna feel anymore
. i wanna be numb . and not get hurt and not cry and not get offended
and not be a sensitive ass baby .
i hate being fuckin sensitive .
i shouldn't be this emotional .
i really hate it .
its the little things for me .
they can bring me up or down .
i don't feel like i have anybody anymore .
nobody to listen to me be hurt .
james just reads my blogs now but he doesn't say anything.
he has enough to worry abt then me and my feelins .
prolly tired of how i feel .
my sister doesn't really listen anymore either .
and i dnt share my problems with anyone else ,
so im left with blogging .
i guess yu come in this world by yourself & go out tha same way .
i just want things to go back the way they used to be .

january15th.

was full of excitement .
and not tha good kind .
woke up , texted my babe to say gd morning and ily .
his cousin replied and said he left to his sisters .
i could tell he was mad , and i aked what was wrng and basically he said
to ask james bt i asked him anyways cus i knew i wasn't gon tlk to james
for awhile .
he said they got into over some bs abt tht "girl" that james almost left
me for a few months ago .
in my head im like he still tlk to her?
so iwas like he still tlks to her?
his cousin agreed and so i was like oh yep . that's wassup .
so then 15 mins past and im mad af . like wtf !
so i was like um can yu txt yo sis and ask james to call me plz .
so he was like he here now .
so he calls me like wassup . but i didn't wanna come at him foul cus
that's not how i am so i asked him like why yu and b b mad ?
he was like over some bs ect ect .
so we got down to me askin him if he still tlks to tha girl .
he said not like that .
blah .
fasssst forward .
he admitted he still loves her .
i went numb for about 30 mins .
i already knew he did but knowing how good we are i didn't wanna fuck up
how good we been .
facing reality was the hardest slap in the face .
my heart felt heavy . i just went blank . i jus layed there .
i couldn't reply . at a loss for words . i just cried .
then i stopped . cus fuck that im not fenna deal with tht no more .
i told him to choose . cus i i swear to god , i don't hate nobody but
fuckkkkkkk i dislike that girl with a passsion .
just soo disrespectful ! like wtf . i cnt even get into my reasons why.
but jus know she's foul & i don't like her .
if that's who he wanna be wit then fine be with her but don't drag me
thru this heartbreak again , yu feel me .
but he made his choice .
me . i had my fingers crossed. i had hope in us . i can tell his love is
back for me but idnt like to convince myself of anything anymore .
that's how yu get dissappointed . i ask , and go oon answers . but even
answers change so what tf so yu have?
i don't want our relationship to change . i don't wanna trip all the
time , i don't wanna become annoying . i don't want him to get tired of
me .
i feel like im ruining it trying to save it . .
then its gonna be my fault if it fucks up and i have to deal with it .
im worried . i feel like im getting insecure mann .
i don't wanna be insecure man . im tryna get over my last insecurites .
smh .
i think its best to just leave him alone and give him some space and
hope he starts to miss me . or maybe its cus i just started my menstrual
and i been super emo frm it .
i think . . .
we jus been bumpin heads cus we miss each other .
yu know how like yu and yo nigga don't see each other for awhile and
yall both grouchy and all you do is fuss and fight then yu see each
other and yall just feel good again . yu fuck and it all makes up . lol
.
i think we jus need to feel each other . i hope that's what it is :-/
we gon be good tho . i think as long as we have the same goals and our
♥ stays in tha same place , we'll be strate .
after a bunch of contemplation i realized how hard a relationship really
is , but its about understanding each other and growing . and working at
it .
sometimes im good . and sometimes i get upset .
and sometimes i get jealous , but damn , im only human .
i wanna be the best girlfriend i can be , but its hard when you tryna
please someone else without neglecting yourself and how yu feel too .
but im learning to compromise . .
i love him . the good , tha bad , the ugly .
we gon laugh , talk , fuss , fight , play and miss each other and get
tired of each other but shit at the end of the day we always gon say i
love you . . .

reclusion .

is it just me or do i look like im in pain lol .
my face says all my emotions without me ever expressing them .
probably why my mom always knows when im up and when im down . . .
im in my antisocial mood . just doing a lot of thinking .
when i don't have anything to do or no one to talk to yu , all i do is
blog but im not mad , i been neglecting my blog anyways .
224 followers yet i feel like no one even reads what i say anymore . i
guess people are too lazy or don't care enough to comment anymore .
.that was the best part of blogging was reading peoples comments that
related and let yu know you weren't the only person feeling like that .
its cool tho , shit i don't expect people to relate or understand my
life . its mine .
im kind of in a withdrawal . im trying to detach myself from my emotions
so i can focus on the big picture .
but im still lost .
trying to understand the purpose of love . im starting to think love is
just a theory that's introduced to us at a young age and we tend to make
up what its like in our own minds . how does something captivate you and
your emotions so much that you'd die for it? can't live without it?
its really how i feel tho .
from 19 to 21 I've been battling relationships and love . and now that
I've finally found REAL love . .im defeated .
i found out what my weakness is . . and its being in love .
but not just love , its also the person im in love with , i can't
believe i found my happiness in him . with him . from him , whatever it
is , he does it .
i was depressed before i met him and he brought me out of that state of
mind to a point where im happy to wake up every morning . happy to live
. and without him i dwindle back into sadness and depression .
it probably has to do with the fact im always alone .
but lonliness isn't so bad when you know its always someone there to
comfort you .
i have people to talk to , people i could kick it with but if those
aren't the people you wanna be with or around then its not enjoying .
i like people . but i just don't like peoples ways . i don't trust them
. everyones sneaky . conniving . fake . pretending . i hate finding out
shit about people , its disappointing . that's why im satisfied being my
own best friend . my boyf is the only person i fully trust , i tell him
everything . my hopes , dreams , wants , emotions , things that scare me
, hurt me .
its hard to think about losing someone you just shared your whole world
with . if he's gone , who is there? its hard to satisfy yourself . i
can't give myself answers to my own questions . reasons for my own
unreasoning .
im annoyed right now .
i need my boyf . i miss him .
*sigh*
i need him to make me laugh right now .
im so fucking doooowwnnnnn . i hate feeling like this .
i wanna just drive and go get him . just to spend time and stare at him
and smile .
im running out of thoughts . . well actually they're being interrupted
by people complaining .
ill be back sooner than later .

i can't sleep .

can't eat . can't think .
i can't erase the pain . . .
cus i still feel your heartbeat a million miles away . . .

i swear trey songz has a song to fit every situation .
first it was love lost . then holla if you need me .
and somehow i feel the next ones gonna be black roses .
i can't stop crying .
i cry everyday . how do i stop?
im not crying bc he's hurting me im crying out of fear .
we're still together . we still have regular days . but even when i
smile i have to remember i still might lose him .
i can't believe i let myself fall this deep .
when did i stop protecting myself ?
i can't save myself . my heart . my love . my life .
for the last 5 hours I've been trying to imagine living without him .
i feel weak for depending so much on his presence to hold me down .
but if you ever met a guy like him . and felt a love like his , you
prolly wouldnt wanna lose it either .
realistically , i can live without him .
walking dead .
no heartbeat . no soul . no love . no happiness . in pain .
tryna heal a wound that prolly wont ever heal .
i don't trust guys so i don't need they fake ass words tryna be bandages
to my broken heart.
people don't understand . i don't even know if everyone that's ever been
in love feels love the way i do .
so people say it without understanding the depth of the most powerful
and pure emotion known .
i was made w. love . brought up w. love . born to be in love w. love . i
wanna be in love . i AM finally IN LOVE . and i am blessed ! that he
loves me back .
not the "i love u" back cus i wanna fuck . the i love yu back cus i want
some money . the i love you back cus i wanna manipulate you and the
power i have over your heart.
he loves me for me .
i understand his love , i comprehend it . it feels the same way i give
it -- 200%. it completes me . loving this man makes me the happiest i
ever been in my life . .a natural happiness within my heart i think
people search for all their lives . a true love .
i don't understand .
everything happens for a reason , as a lesson . but what's this lesson?
god has taken him more than once and everytime i prayed for him back ,
he answered my prayers .
he restored us .
but here's another obstacle . we're supposed to make it past all these
obstacles ! bt idk about this one .
im scared . im trying to prepare myself for heartbreak but all i do is
cry .
i can't feel how he feels anymore . he doesn't know what he's going to
do .
everything past doesn't even really matter , what about being engaged?
what about promising you wouldnt leave?
what about telling me you couldn't hurt me again?
i feel like a empty ass jar .
i don't understand words . promises . emotions . life .
they all lead to disappointment , no matter what .
what i see isn't what he see's . i feel selfish . . .
im refusing to let go . bc to let go , would be letting go of me .
and watch my heart walk away and no longer beat would leave me
.....lifeless .
and if i wrote a suicide note , it would be full of apologies and i love
yous . bc my selfishness would break more hearts than mines . but the
difference btwn them and me?
they all have someone to turn to .
someone to keep them up .
he's my backbone . my support and has been for idk how long . he cared
about me when he didn't have to . cared about me prolly way more than a
lot of people i was calling my friends before i met him .
to meet ssomeone as beautiful and caring and just one of a kind as james
is a blessing bc i swear to god I've never met anyone his age or my age
for that matter with the wisdom and love he has . i didn't fall in love
with his babyface ..his smile..his laugh.. his personality . i fell in
love with his honesty . his respect . his intelligence . his heart . his
soul .
i could probably go hours talking about my love for him . probably
boring half of you bt idgaf cus its my blog and im free to write
whatever tf comes off my mind . im venting .
writing down thoughts so that maybe i can understand why im trapped in
this love . but i don't wanna get out . its kinda like when one person
in an old couple that have been married for many many years dies , and
within tha next year the other one dies bc they can't live without tht
person . its kinda how i feel .
we'ree not old . and were not married . and have only been on&off for
about a year . .but we got a old people love lol .
a lifetime love . i could be satisfied with his love for a lifetime .
and i could deal with ups and downs . and breakups and makeups . and
struggles and stress bc he's where i wanna be and who i wanna be with .
i don't even know if any of this makes sense . some of yall prolly think
im crazy but im not . im just a girl in love that's had one too many
heartbreaks fighting to not lose the only person that ever took the time
to pick up the pieces to my heart , put it back together & cherish it .

somewhere in between. . .

staying and going .
im not sure whether to stay or walk away .
i want to stay , my heart says stay , don't let go , don't walk away. .
but somewhere i wanna give up , i wanna just say its never gonna work ,
im never gonna get what i want so i should stop trying to convince
myself .
but how do i know if i give up that i might miss that opportunity to
have my love and my life ?
but on the other hand , who's to say if i keep trying i wont be just as
heartbroken as i would be if i woulda gave up long time ago . . .
im so so lost .
idk how im supposed to feel , how im supposed to act .
idk what's right , what's wrong .
am i wrong to not wanna give up my heart and fight to stay with my man
even tho that means that he might not be a family with his baby and bm
?
but that's untrue bc i feel like if he's in his life they'll be a family
regardless .
he wanted to be with me . he asked to marry me , he told me he wanted a
family and life WITH ME .
so am i really wrong to be believing in what i was told?
am i wrong to fight for what i feel I've worked hard for ?
im not battling his son . his baby is his and will always be .
he will always come before me and i respect that , a child should .
but i refuse to lose my love bc of it . im his gf , his "wife" .
i shouldn't feel like im losing to his son .
i wanna be there to help him .
im not mad at him having a baby . im not tryna keep him frm his bm ,
that's his family . but his bm is not his girl and i feel if he ever
contemplated it , he should've told me and not made me feel like there
wasn't anymore breaking us .
everytime we get back together were so focused and its like nothing can
break us , we in it til the end then something big falls in his lap and
he's back to being unsure . .
it hurts me . i don't expect him to make promises that's impossible to
keep .
but i don't want him to doubt the ones he made bc shit gets hard .
i never doubt anything he tells me bc i never doubt what i tell him .
im with him thru anything and everything.
so im upset everytime he becomes stressed bc he has to make the right
choice but it alters everything he wanted at first .
i love him to death , i don't even wanna live without him .
and to agree to go without him breaks my ♥ in a billion pieces .
i never wanted to feel like i was a problem or in the way , im just a
seperate situation .
and he never says im in the way . he never says im a problem. i know he
loves me and doesn't wanna hurt me but i can't understand why come
everything falls apart so easily when things get hard . and why our
relationship is always the first thing to be considered to go .
i don't wanna feel selfish , like . . .
am i wrong to still wanna keep my bf even tho he has a baby?
i don't feel like james having a girl robs his son of having a family .
he has his mother , his father , and even me .
i can respect them being a family for his sons sake but im more
concerned about whether he wants to try to have a relationship with his
bm in order to have that . . .
i know he loves he but im unsure as to if he's not with her bc of me ,
like if me and him wasn't together , would they be? or does he really nt
wanna be with her?
i feel like im the only one that's still fighting to keep us , according
to everything we've talked about . he said if he wasn't still fighting
he wouldve been left , but i know he's not sure if he wants to .
i don't want him to .
i feel like if at that moment when he decided he wanted to marry me and
decided i was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with ,
then he knew that no matter what fell in front of us , he wanted to be
with me and we would work through it .
but how do i compete with his son ? and his family ? im not a part of
that , im a separate relationship .
i feel like no one understands how i feel . or supports how i feel . .
everythings about what's best for his son but would i be bad for him ?
ughhhh , im so lost :'(
i feel like james is neglecting everything HE wants bc he wants to make
sure he's making the right choice for his baby . and i can understand
that . i respect that .
but moving to new york to stay close is already a huge step .
leaving the person you love bc of it? it'll still be hard for him. buti
don't wanna let him setlle for that . bc i still wanna be there . but i
can't force him to want me to be in the picture . i don't wanna keep
believing everything he told me or promised me will still happen if he
nt even sure he believes it anymore .
am i dumb to not wanna let go ? to wanna follow my heart bc i know if i
let him leave ill always have a open wound in my heart that'll never
heal?
or should i just break my own heart and sacrifice my own happiness and
let him go and live his life and be happy for him .
nothings ever easy .
i want it to be . i want him to jus say i love you baby and i don't
wanna lose you , i wanna have my son and my wife . but that's just me
fantasizing . . .
cus somethings telling me he's gonna say he loves me but he's tired of
hurting me and needs to give his son a regular home . . . and settle
being in love with his bm instead of keeping the love he already has .
what hurts is that she wants him . and she has all the control right now
. she has his son , she's making the choice to move to ny with his son
and if he moves she's the person he's going to stay with .
she wants my man and it hurts her that he doesn't want her back . but
wtf can i do? im just his gf . the person she wanna be . he said he
wasn't gonna let her bully him out the relationship but her foul ass
guilt trip she's set up is faulty . i don't know how he feels bc he
hasn't explained it to me but somehow i feel like he feels like if he
doesn't try to give his son a "family" feel it'll be diff. . .but they
wont be together his whole life . .bc that's not how he felt to begin
with . but idk these are just what i think , not what i know .
who knows , they might fall madly in love and have a great family , im
not gon hate on it . . .
i just wish i could keep the man that has my ♥ , mind and soul that
I've fought for for a year . i could be engaged and wake up next to him
everymorning . i could live the life we talked about and have the family
we wanted . .
but everything don't work out the way yu plan . . i guess that's just
life .

i give up .

what's the point of trying if you always lose ?
no matter how hard i try it never works .
im losing hope .
fuck hope .
no wonder everyone in life is so unhappy with it ,
everyone settles .
they give up , and settle .
i shouldn't fuckin have to settle !
why do i have to settle with being unhappy ?
settle with "that's life" and that's the reason for why everything fucks
up?
i fucking hate life .
that's an understatement .
nothing can make me like life .
ill be happy when im happy with every aspect of life .
and im not .
im fenna lose the only part i enjoy .
what can i do?
im trying but its not working .
i wanna go crazy , im too tiredd .
my tears feel like their burning my face .
i wouldnt be mad if i got hit by a car and died .
but im sure with god knowing how much im unsatisfied with life he would
make me live and suffer more . .
that's sad .
i dnt really care .
i wish i could spend the rest of my life sleep .
im angry . but i dnt even know at who .
i wish god would stop playing with my fuucking emotions .
one minute everythings perfect then everythings falling apart .
i should jus run away and disappear .
not tell anyone where im goin . dissappear off earth .
this isn't about me but fuck .
i don't understand why my life has to not work in the process .
why did god make me fall so far in love if he was gonna take him away?
what's the purpose ?
im tired of heartbreak .
why do i feel all by myself :'(
i don't even have anyone to talk to to understand how i feel .
i can't even write anymore cus i cnt seee .
fuck life .
i give up .
i don't want anything anymore .

neverending . . .

disappointments .
i wish i kept neverending happiness .
why is it so hard to just . . . be happy . stay happy ?
i would give anything just to know what its like to really be happy w.
life .
i can't stop crying .
im tired of fighting and never winning .
ill fight to the end of this world for my love .
and i can't never win .
well i can't say i lost .
idk why i expect to lose . .
prolly cus i never win lol .
okay let me elaborate ,

so my bf`s babys mother , told him that she's not mad tht he has a gf ,
but she feels like its unfair to her and thebby that they never tryed to
be a family and that she's good enough to have his bby but not be his
girl .

to sum it all up . i could understand where she's coming frm im not a
heartless female .
and i understand he's known her longer bc they've been close friends for
a long time .
and i can understand she's been there for him to do things i wasn't able
to do .
and yeaaaa she's carrying his 1stborn ,
a lot of shit that makes me feel inferior .
she stole my dream of giving him his firstborn .
well wait no , i can't say she , bc it took both of them .
im not even mad .
im not mad at her or how she feels to be honest .
but i jus don't know how to feel
i already feel like i cause him extra stress bc im always a seperate
situation frm him having a baby and family .
now i reeeeally feel like im in the way . and i shouldn't bc i know if
he really wanted to be with her he would .
but i don't like feeling like im the problem bc all of this wouldnt even
be happening if we weren't together .
and i hate seeing him stress and i feel like he constantly has to choose
btwn what he wants and what he has to do .
and this is something i have no control over .
how i feel isn't really even relevant to this situation bt it still
hurts me .
im not gonna give up on our relationship and i hope that he doesn't
either but i know how impt his baby is to him and maybe he might wanna
give his bby a family environment? but i thought tht was the purpose of
moving close to her?
he wants a family with me .
but i don't feel i should have to give up my love or break my ♥ bc i
wanna make everyone else happy bc i have the worst habit of making sure
everyone else is happy and sacrificing my own happiness .
i never want his babymama to feel like im the reason they're not a
family . bc i don't want probs btwn us .
the less drama tha better but i dnt know if im strong enough to
sacrifice my ♥ for her sake , well not even hers , but the babys sake
.
im crying bc im scared . james told me not to worry abt it bc im not
holding him hostage in a relationship bt i know that .
idk what he might choose is best for his baby . this isn't about him or
me or his bm its about the baby and its a fucked up situation bc that's
the one thing i can't challenge.
ill always lose to his baby and that's fine bc that's how its supposed
to be .
its like . . .i keep fighting for our relationship no matter what falls
in front of us bt i can't fight this .
and i know he doesn't wanna hurt me . so it jus makes it so much more
harder for him .
im tired of worrying about losing our relationship .
that's the only thing i really want in my life right now .
and that's the only thing that makes me happy :'(
and i keep almost losing it .
im not going to tho , i reeefuuuuuusee .
im not losing the only thing that ever made me genuinely happy .
idk what's fenna happen but i hope god is on everyones side . cus all i
want is to be happy and stay in love with my man , struggles and all .

frm caLiforniaa to newYork ?

so i figured nows the time for a handy dandy blog .
im stressed .
fenna lose my baby again .
and that's not an option .
so his babys mother is on that "im moving to newyork" thing again .
yeaaa ,
he can't cahnge her mind , but he don't wanna leave his baby either so
that takes him tooooo NEW YORK .
where does that leave me?
in fucking california .
no friends . and now no boyf !?
heeeeelll no .
i came to the decision , im going where he goes .
why let it all go ?
he doesn't wanna leave me and i don't wanna leave him .
im 21 , im old enough to make my own choices .
i don't have anything out here in cali , besides fam .
that's jus like if woulda went to skool outta state .
so we talked and he agreed that ill go to newyork too .
why throw away our love and everything we been thru ?
i think its beyond fucked up how inconsiderate his bm is being towards
his life . but she's not winninn lol .
he's gonna go where his baby goes . and im gonna go where my baby goes
.
he proposed , and when he sticks that ring on my finger im good .
im good and i don't have a ring . bt fuck tha ring .
im in love with his ♥ and mind .
school i can transfer . ill figure it out .
i always wondered what livin in ny would be like bt i never thought it
would come true lol .
nothings set in stone yet tho , so idk what might happen over tha next
few weeks .
but for all my blogger fam that doeeees live or been to NY can i get
some tips or feedback on what's impt to know ? or what's good community
colleges (im poor lol) , and the best places to work ?
this is some movie type shit lol . fuck my car , i guess we'll be on tha
subway lmao . cus i dnt think its gonna make it across country :-/ .
i hope she doesn't move to ny , but she been wantin this for awhile so i
know she's nt gonna change her mind .
and his son is his world so who am i to try to keep him with me and not
his baby .
best solution ?
follow my heart . cus he has it .
advice pleaseeee .
be back sooner than later .

hello 2O1O :)

happy new year everyoneee !
this is my 1st post of O1O` & I've been sort of
lagging behind bc idk i haven't had much to complain about . well
actually that's a lie , but ill get back to that lol .
most importantly , my baby is homeeee ! yess !
he got out 2 weeks before he was supposed to and surprised everyone . i
missed my babe , im grateful for him .
bt we almost started bumping heads bc this past week I've been
constantly pissed off and angry bc of not having any time for my typical
solitude .
people don't understand that i actually like being alone .
not having friends , well a lot , doesn't bother me to say the least .
i love who i love , and i love who i need , simple as that .
i have plenty of associates , interchangeables , nobody that i actually
need tho .
my sister came to visit the day after xmas , my aunt been over here
since xmas, and my cuzin came 2 days after xmas . what does that equal ?
no alone time for angelica , which equals STRESS & IRRITABILITY .
smh .
no good sleep cus everyone wakes yu up at 7 , 8 in tha morning when yu
didn't go to bed til 3 .
and yea that's preetty typical for me but 7 days of it is ridiculous
with no naps , bc i almost aalwaaays take a nap .
since i got my car i been drivin non stop . im tired of drivin and i
don't evenhave my license yet >:o (btw , i passed my written test lol )
but i digress ,
i just been tiiiireeeeddddddd .
then whenever me & james talked id be pissed off about somn and i could
tell he was annoyed and it was jus bad .
my new years was full of shit .
i was the designated driver , thank god , bc i don't really like drunk
ass people . that's definately a pet peeve .
my new years was going good all up until people started fighting ,
flying thru windows , getting jumped , fighting down flights of stairs ,
people bleeding , crying , throwing up , outta control , just . . .the
combination of a bunch of drunk ass people looking ignorant .
i must be getting old cus yea , i was like i shoulda jus stayed home in
my pj`s and brought tha new years in sleep ! had my anxiety on level
1000000000 lol . smh .
theeeen on top of all that , james was drunk af . i was worried about
his ass and when i was ready to leave my fuckin car battery was died !
&& nobody had jumper cables . like wtf . so i basically got stuck at my
cuzins house til 7 am when the neighbors starting waking and we asked
tha guy across the street to jump start me . smh .
long annoying ass day . came home to try to get some sleep and still
didn't get as much as i wanted .
but on a better note , my cuzin went home and my aunts leaving tmw so
ill be able to enjoy more peaceful sleep thus , less grouchyness , and
more happiness .
my babe had a bad hangover today , so we jus talked btwn naps .but i
hope he learned his lesson on getting sooooo fucked up lol . im 21 and i
beeen said fuck liquor smh .
my stomach is very sensitive and although i rarely throw up alcohol
always sits unsettled in my stomach & i haaate the feeling . so i stick
to smokin bluntss , fk it lol .
but im fenna stop smoking again bc i need to start looking for a job
again next month . might jus drink on special occasions cus i do fucks
wit greygoose&sprite or patron oor gin&juiceeeee ! whoop ! i gets loaded
. lol . but for some reason everybody wanna drink tht nasty ass brown
liquor , yuuck . i only fucks wit clears unless its some henny . fuck a
vsop . fuck a courvousier . fuck a paul mason . im cool on it lol . it
makes me gag on tha 2nd shot . but yeaa , im jus blaabbing now , i
pretty much updated yall on my going on`s . nothing special , jus happy
i got my babe back :-* . ill be around :)