8.5.10

well ,

we talked . don't ask . he understands why i can't talk to him now and
as much as that should've made things easier , it didn't . i felt at
peace when we said goodnight bt how i feel never seems to subside smh .
i want a peaceful nights rest bt i know he'll be invading my dreams
again , and again ill wake up upset bc i have to go back to this
nightmare reality . life is fkd up for no reason except for it being my
life . i don't understand what i did so wrong in life to not deserve
happiness . something always has to fall apart . ever since the end of
our relationship nothings went right , and now that im at the point to
stop and let go , my heart is making it be the hardest thing I've ever
had to do in my life . i can tell how much he doesn't wanna let me go
bt shit , i can't be happy while he's happy with someone else . it just
weighs too heavy on my heart . i love him too much to try to share the
love . fuck that shit . i love him and to me , he's mines . i had his
heart first . i loved him the best first . and can't nobdy change my
mind abt that & bc of that i wont accept someone else loving him . i
wont accept him loving her . i wont accept him loving her more then me .
i wont . love & him got me fucked up lol . ill be bitter or stupid or
w.e else u wanna call it . I've given up on trying to make myself stop
feeling the way i do bc it doesn't work . if and when its time for me to
stop loving him then i will . i let him go for the most part and that's
the first step . maybe one day we can be friends again bt i can't take
it right now . i can't hear the words "me and my girl" without gettin
pissed off . i mean to be honest , i shouldn't get so bent over a title
bc i know the love between us still exists very strongly . buuuut im too
emotional to be that strong "idgaf abt that nigga" type a ex gf right
now bc to say idgaf abt him would be a lie lol . ill always give some
kinna fk about him . he's my first REAL love, the first man to ever
really love me . he changed my life in ways i can't even put in words .
and the way i tlk abt him on here makes it sound like "bitch if yu dnt
let tht nigga go when he's already moved on !" which btw don't get it
fkd up cus i realize everything going on , im never delirious abt the
obvious . . .i just know that how i feel is real . and that's some shit
i cnt lie about . i have to be real with myself and therefore im real
with whoevers readin this shit bc im nt gonna lie n say im over him when
i think about him every hour of everyday . i still hurt . i still cry .
i still dnt understand why. i still care . i still love him . and to be
honest . . . . naaaah im nt gonna be tht honest lol . bt that's my
soulmate regardless . I'll beat a bitchh ass over him , take a bullet ,
give a kidney all that . its crazy . ill admit tht . ill be dumb . ill
be all tha shit yu wanna think i am . bt all tht means to me is that
youve never been in love like this before . im not happy about the
situation , bt me by myself im happy . im dealing . what doesn't kill me
makes me stronger . so unfortunately , the next nigga gets NO mercy . i
doubt ill ever let myself fall this far in any relationship again bc i
can't control how much i love . its a blessing and a curse all in one .
some people would kill for this kinna love , and some just don't know
how to appreciate it . i wonder if ill ever find someone tht loves me
the way i love him . . .