love is blind && i can see bt i close my eyes . . .

its been weeks since I've cried .
&&when im all alone with nothing bt time to think i find myself breaking
.
I've been okay .
well at least that's what I've been trying to condition myself to
believe . ill be okay . ill be okay .
bt i can't be if this shit still makes me cry .
everyday i learn something new about love & try to use it to apply to
what happened && be content .
but none of that mends a broken heart . all the knowledge in the world
doesn't numb this pain .
how did i do this to myself? why? my whole life I've wanted nothing more
than to be in love w. someone who loved me back .
and when i finally got it , i lost it . && nobody told me that
heartbreak is this rough . i don't wanna be so weak . i wanna act like
none of this affects me . i wanna act like i don't care bt i still do .
i wanna act like nothing matters anymore , bt it does .i wanna forget
everything he meant to me but i can't . i wanna erase all the memories
bt they don't . i wanna start over bt im dreaming . why would i even
wish to have another chance after all of this? why do i love this man so
fkn much . it makes me so mad . i wanna stop loving him bc our love
isn't the way it used to be and i can't . the hardest thing to accept is
knowing the person you love , loves you bt doesn't want you anymore .
and I've been trying to accept it , respect it for weeks now , bt i
still can't accept it . i wish i knew what i did sooo wrong . i made
mistakes . he made mistakes . i guess two wrongs dnt make a right . i
would give anything to have his love back the way he used to give it .
before he gave it to anyone else . that's me dreaming again . holding on
to something i need to let go of . i have to let go everyday . over and
over and over . he's in my thoughts . in my dreams . i can't fkn escape
what I've been involved with for over a year .everyday . e v e r y d a y
. i miss those days tremendously and all i can do is think of what used
to be . my heart is too stubborn to let that go . it pisses me off that
when we go for days without talking and he calls i still get the biggest
grin on my face and the nerve to get butterflies . it pisses me off that
i know i can't talk to him the way i want without being too submissive .
i have to give myself limits to keep myself from falling back in . smh .
I've beenn living life , trying to proceed , meet new guys , do things ,
stay occupied . but i still find myself missing him at some point in my
day . thinking about him . this shit sounds like fkn infatuation . bt
its not . i give him his space . i let him go . i only talk to him when
he hits me up , bc i know that's when he misses me . i can respect
letting him life his life and be with who he wants . im just having a
hard time getting over the pain to let go the way i want . . .only some
parts don't wanna let go . bt the other parts knoooow i need too . when
i asked why he wont let me go , he said "i can't because i love you" &&
as sweet as that sounds , its selfish . no matter how many times we
agree to stop talking . we can't . we might let days pass , bt he'll
call eventually . and i can't say that as much as im okay when we don't
talk that i don't hope for his call just to hear his voice . smh . love
is all too complex , i just wanna get to that point where i don't want
it anymore , and a lot of times im walking that line , bt i never fall
off , i step back into what i know which is loving him bc i know its
what im good at . bc i know that months & maybe years from now when
everything changes , ill still be loving him the same from afar . real
love never dies , it always comes back . &&while im hoping our love
stands the test of time , i hope that his love comes back to the way it
used to be . . .still dreaming smfh .