12.5.10

may 12th, 2O1O .

im falling ever so quickly back into that place i said i wasn't going
back to.
trying to fight love is a battle ones always gonna lose , smh .
im slipping back into that black hole called foolishness , i have to
stop myself cus i keep catching myself acting as if were in an actual
relationship .
i don't mean to do it bt it just happens naturally . i get mad at myself
cus ill send a txt tht says something w. a kissy face & after i send it
im looking likee , why did i jst send a kiss tht wasn't even necessary
smh .
& i mean , he sends them back . i get all my love in return but at the
same time i need to back off again & give him space . i don't wanna
crowd him . i think him and his gf broke up today , ok well i don't
think, i know they did. but there's no reason for me to jump for any sort
of joy bc for 1 . they might get back together , they could
relapse . & 2 . it wasn't bc or for me so its not to my benefit . if
their relationship is on rocks then that's their relationship . i don't
know much about it . but as far as ours goes , its been really good
lately and id like to keep it that way . even though were nt together
jst the thought of being with him makes me smile . but i cnt get wrapped
up in that fantasy bc i know that even if there was a chance we ever got
back together that wouldnt happen until i knew he was 3000% sure he was
over her . im not going back & forth with this again like a fool . smh .
like we've been through sooo much shit . and we've grown as individuals
as well as with each other and to be honest if there's one person im
most confortable with being myself and could see myself dealing w. for
the rest of my life , it would be him . but i can't get to wrapped up in
thinking about this kinna shit , hoping . i have to deal one day at a
time bc hoping for things sets expectations that aren't guaranteed to be
met . and i don't want anymore unnecessary disappointments . as of right
now im content . im happy . but i need to pull back again bc i need to
keep that space of missing each other . i don't wanna fall back into
that everyday, every hr txt, call , or aim situation where were tlking
all day long . which isn't really possible anymore anyways with his
schedule but nonetheless , the point is i dnt wanna go back to being
expected . and in order to do that i have to stop letting my heart get
ahead of my mind and stop wanting to love so hard when i need to be
protecting what's been hurt so many times .

1 comment:

Qu33n Kam... said...

With this comment im not going to tell u what to do its mostly something to think about but i noticed something that maybe u have noticed but becuz ur in love u choose to ignore and i was in this same situation with my first love. It happened after he broke up with me in hopes to better my life cuz of all the crazyness in his i was hurt and felt i could handle it and then i find out 3months later he has a gf and been 2gether for a month...becuz he still loves me we still talked hung out he would even take me out with the money she would give him and sometimes would use her car. I didnt feel like the other woman becuz i felt how could i be when he loved me first and i have his heart still but i was letting the man i love cheat on his gf with me when most likely he was cheating on me with this girl when we were together.

Basically what im saying is James may still have feelings for u but u have to realize he is playing the both of u by keeping the both of u in his life. He is winning more than the both of u. He is emotionally cheating with u on his gf becuz i bet u she doesnt know how much and what yall be talking about or even the fact that he still communicates with u. U have to evaluate the fact that most likely when u were with him he was all up under this girl too. See this is the difference between men and women,, women will lose their minds over the same guy while he is into more than one girl at one time. This shouldnt be a race or competition to James' heart between u and some other chick remember men are the hunters they neeed to be fighting for ur love not the other way around especially if u didnt do something to lose his love or trust.

Also, let me make this point there is no such thing as going back to friends once u have crossed past that point you can try but its not going to happen because the relationship has already elevated past that point. There is no grey area either ur together or ur not meaning u two can be cordial cool but there will always be someone more in love than the other and someone is always gona be wanting what they had. Ur friendship will always revisit why u broke up and why u cant be together remember that so if u choose to have him in ur life be okay with always revisiting that ur not going to be able to live down the fact ur not together even if u both find somebody else it will ALWAYS be apart of yall relationship