recollection .

okay . i stopped .
i deleted every contact he has to me and i have to him (minus my number cus i cant delete it out his phone lol) .
im refraining myself from speaking to him .
im pushing myself in the other direction . its a downward spiral and im going in circles with no results . i wish i woulda let go months ago and saved myself some dignity . smh . i feel beyond stupid . love doesnt make me feel anybetter bc now everytime i see the word love i get mad . it lost its meaning to me and i probably wont get it back til i get it the way it needs to be given .
its been a year and 8 months in 3 days . and our one year anniversary is on the 21st . i wont induldge in that . he might remember . prolly wont care . im not the jealous type but sitting here actually looking at things . when i get mad about things , its anger but moreso jealousy . jealousy because he now shares something we had with someone else . jealousy because he loves her now the way he used to love me . blahhhh . fuck that shit . lol . i dont like being jealous that shit is lame . im too good for that , and i dont deserve what i put myself through . i wish i could just , forget everything . . .but i cant . ill let go eventually . shit i got over zahkeem , and i dont even miss him . i keep looking for niggaas to fill that void . to keep me occupied so my feelings a move along ,, but its failing horribly . my sister told me its not time to , she told me to just do me . but shit doing me is kinna boring without the opposite sex lol . like wth . its not like i can shop or anything . i need some new books or somethin . i cant wait til this summer . i hope my mom follows through with moving ... im really feeling the idea of a new place (until its no luck with niggas there either lmao ). but whatever . i wish i was bi sometimes cus its always a bi female standin around in the cuts lol but i just cant get into girl on girl . if thats what your into , go you ! but i just cant , smh . ive been thinking about changing my preferences just to try something new buuuut when i got that , it was rather boring . i dont want boring , i want excitement . fun . laughter . good times . lots of smiles . im taking a break from that falling in love shit , niggas lie . smh , thats about to be my new tag line lol . but honestly the one thing thats common in all the relationships where a niggas ever claimed he loved me so much is that he can tell me everything under the sun , but he can never follow through showing it to the extent that they claim. they might show it , and theyll do shit that makes me believe it but at some point it fails . and i tend to look the other way trying to convince myself that theyre telling the truth . so dumb of me . whatever , lifes a lesson , im living . im taking everything stuffing it inside a fuckin box and pushing it to the back of my brain . my heart has a lock on that bitch and i lost the key . im not going through this again . im not . i refuse . if james is the last person i ever love then whaaatever , ill just have to look back n be mad cus im not doing it again . i love entirely way too hard to submit myself to that . people cant love me back the way that i love . their incapable i guess . i dont see whats so hard , but maybe one day i will . . .or maybe not .