may 16th , 2O1O .

i was jst reading a cmmt frm my love queen kam, and i appreciate how you
guys give me advice and its always something i remember and put into
consideration, bt the one thing I've realized frm blogging real life is
that i can't keep my posts up with my emotions or how constant things
evolve or change on a daily basis. first let me start off by saying i
realize absolutely EVERYTHING you guys have mentioned and that I've
complained about . i knew about tht girl when she first came into the
picture . jst like she knew about me . i knew when they got together ,
she knew when he got back with me . she knows im nt going anywhere jst
like i know she's not until he chooses to bc he hasn't let her go before
. and to be honest its not about fighting over his heart. i know the way
we feel about each other and that wont ever change . i told james if
that's what he wants then have that. the fact they're relationship
didn't work is on them . we've talked about our relationship. we've
talked about their relationship , we talk about anything i wanna talk
about , james has never been the type of person to try to hide shit frm
me bc i find shit out or put it together before he ever has the chance
to . and i agree with what kam said about there being no grey areas
inbetween being in a relationship and going back to being friends.
because i know in my heart whether we settle to be friends or not were
always gonna feel a certain way about each other. I've always told him i
can't jst be friends and to be honest the way me and him are right now
at this moment , were not friends, were more than that . and even though
we say were "friends" we both know it wont last tht way . honestly, i
put up with the shit i do because i choose to which is why i don't
really complain as much as i used to. when i vent im jst writing out
thoughts . i know that no matter how much shit we go thru or people try
to tell me abt our relationship it wont push me to stop caring or loving
him and i dnt feel bad or stupid about it . i can't be mad at other
peoples opinions bc yall only know what I've told you and youve put
together your own views and opinions abt what i go through and put
myself through .so ill accept what you guys think of me , i can't help
the fact i love who i love . and i can tell yall i love him . and i can
tell yu he loves me regardless of all the shit we've put each other
through . but im not blind . i see and deal with everything I've ever
wrote about on here. if i have a problem , i talk about it with him . he
reads my blogs , he knows how i feel . its not a secret diary where im
crying inside about love and loss . its a place where i vent out
thoughts and emotions . but don't ever hold me hostage to the shit i say
because one post is how i feel right then and there at that moment . its
never permanent . if youve ever been in love you know its constantly
evolving . i can hate him one day and love him the next . and in the
time btween my last post and this one here our relationship has grown
even more bc of the things I've brought up and we've talked about . i
can't ever deny the fact he makes me happy or deny the fact i make him
happy . we do that for each other and until its time for god to take
that away and let me see something else that's what ill keep because im
happy with him in my life at the end of the day . i have days when i
feel like ill be better without him , but im not . and what keeps me
down is my emotions . once i can put my emotions into perspective and
accept everything for what it is , im content . don't look down on me
because of that . im learning , and in the meantime im loving .