may 9th , 2O1O .

i decided to stay .
i jst have to keep tht wall up & not attach .
having the best day yesterday was like , why did we stop talking?
everytime we talk its nothing but laughs and connection . we just
connect on so many levels .
i decided i wanna keep that , bc the only thing preventing us from
having our friendship is my emotions .
i know he wont stop loving me and viceversa so its no point in trying to
cut him out of my life knowing we're gonna relapse at some point .
knowing that both of us are unhappy without one another .
before we started back talking , i had tlked to his cousin and when i
said i needed someone to tlk to he said "talk to james , he really
misses you man" .
and its funny cus when me and james talk i can hear in his voice how
happy he is . it makes me smile , & for whatever reason still have some
ounce of hope . to be honest i still have hope in us but i know nows
not the time . my biggest problem with him having a new gf and serious
relationship is a fear of me becoming obsolete , but he wont let that
happen . i still give him something she can't , and that's being his
bestfriend . the person he tlks to and tells everything . i love our
conversations , he's my favorite person to talk to bc we can tlk about
anything and everything . everyone can't give you that you know? i know
this relationship especially from yall readin it's perspective is just a
rollercoaster ride of love and complaints and emotions and bullshit lol
, bt i wouldnt change anything bc its a learning experience for me and
when i hit rock bottom something always brings me back up . i know
there's something so legit about our relationship , when people break up
, the relationship dissolves bc either you let it go , he lets it go ,
or yall both let it go . if both of you are still holding on to each
other then that's self explanatory , yall don't wanna let go . which
means the love btween yall isn't going anywhere . keep it . if you need
someone as much as they need you then don't try throwing something away
that's meant to stay . me & my love may not be meant to be together in a
relationship , but were meant to be together in the relationship we
have in our friendship . its irreplaceable & unfortunately , so is he .