back to square one .

CAUTION: THIS BLOG IS VERY LONG SO SIT BACK , REELAAX & THROW ON YOUR
READING GLASSES CUS I GOT ALOOT TO SAY oh , & cmmnts ARE appreciated :)

ugh . i be feelin so wishy washy . lol .
cus i blog about something then shit spins 36o`s &
eveeerything changes . yall prolly like thiss beeeitch !
shee a dumbb ass bitchhh !
lmao . im really noot tho ! >:o
so lets see , i left off w. thee whole "i give up" la-di- daa . . .
tha tables have turnedd . . .
we back together :-/ :)
I KNOW ! I KNOW !
waaait !
lemme explaain .
smh . its so complex but i had to . . .
f o ll ow m yy h ea r t ---------> ♥ .

so this is whaat happened .
i love my first love Z ... still, after everything .
[i gained most of all my followers tlkin about us lol ]
i felt as tho i stopped , and maybe i did for awhile but never fully
stopped , just overrided feelings i guess ?
then .
i fell in love w. james . still love him .
then we got together .
then we broke up , due to complications in his life .
i promised i`d be there for him . still am .
even tho i was hurt .
now .
when james went m.i.a for about 3 weeks or so , check in calls every few
days or so . .
me & my first love started talking again .
at first very little cus all we did was tlk shit n get mad cus we knew
we were both tlking to other people .
we were mostly cool tho .
got into it reeeeal bad about 3 times . i told him i hated him like
twice . blocked him about twice . lol .
sooo anywayssss . . . . my feelings came back .
you know how your first love feelins are .
haard to let go of :-/
so the other daaaay ,
james hits me up . were talking . and im getting on his head abt us not
talking like usual bcus he no longer has a phone bcus 'someone' wont let
him have it back .
smh .
so then he says doesn't matter yu get to tlk to your lil bf anyways .
which makes me smirk .
so i get mad like that's not tha point .
and we lwky get into it .
cus im like , yu can't get mad that we started talking again if yu
didn't stay on your p`s & q`s . i respected tha fact yu needed space
bcus he did . but when i wanted to stay w. him thru it . he decided it
was better if we weren't together . fiiiine . i didn't care cus i didn't
expect me & Z to hit it off again .
moving on .
so he`s like . .your still in love w. him .
and im like idk . i can't answer that .
[smh @ me in a love triangle >:o ]
so anywho , he says .
i can't do this shit anymore fuck it .
i can't handle you still being in love w. him .
smh , i dnt really know what to say cus how do you tell
another man u love , you`ll never stop loving someone else . . . .w. out
breaking their heart . .?
so , i jus told him i needed time to figure things out but i loved him
and was gonna figure it out .
so coincidentally ,
thee daay beforeeee , me and Z were having a serious discussion bcus tha
nite before that i had cussed him out about always lying , ect ect
[refer to previous blog] and that ended in a I HATE YOU .
[i knoow . im cruel :-/]
but he hits me tha nxt day like i love you & i miss yu .
soooo ,
were tlking and he says he doesn't know when he wants to get back
together . yaddi yaddi , he can't predict tha future so i said ok , i
can live w. that and left it at that .
NOW , back to thha james ultimatum .
basically he's like . its me or him .
so after , im like well if Z doesn't wanna be with me right now . maybe
if i tell him how i feel he`ll understaand . . .
so i explain to him . how i feel . about both of them . and how if he
doesn't wanna be together then im going to be w. james .
[ mind you ; in tha back of my mind . i have no real intentions to cut Z
all tha way off bcus , i still do love him & want him to be in my life
if only jus frinss ]
soo . first he's like . . if yu leave me thts it . that's the end of us
. period .
to me im like :-/ cus that's kind of heartbreaking to me .
he's like be w. james if that's who yu wanna be with .
then everything changes .
because he then says he wants to be with me . and he doesn't wanna lose
me bcus he loves me .
and it becomes a choice btwn him or james . not an ultimatum .
but a choice i have to make personally . . .
so coincidentallly , im watching THE NOTEBOOK [best love story EVER] &
tha part where she's bout to leave noah for her fiance after they jus
rekindled their love flame & he makes her choose for HERSELF who she
wants to be with & he says . . . .

"well that's what we do , we fight . you tell me when im being a
arrogant son of a btchh . and i tell you when your being a pain in the
ass , which you ARE 99% of tha time ! im not afraid to hurt your
feelings , you have like a 2 second rebound rate then your back to doing
tha nxt pain in tha ass thing . so its not gonna be easy . its gonna be
really hard. were gonna have to work at this evryday , but i want to do
that bcus i want you . i want all of you , forever . you and me ,
everyday ."

so at that point . i made my decision .
& i chooooose . . . .
my first love .
[who did ask me back out after btw , i never brought it up ]
NOW let me explain WHY , bcus i know a lot of yall are like WTF !? yu
dumb BITCH ! lol .

now . im still in love w. my first love .
i love james also .
BUT .
even tho its possible for me to love both .
i can only BE w. one . & give my heart to ONE ,
becus its only fair . now . since im not over my first love & were not
over yet . i feel like its unfair to be w. james because in tha back of
my heart , i KNOW ill still be in love w. Z . noot that it keeps me from
loving james bcus it doesn't . but i know that james doesn't want me to
still be in love w. him bcus he doesn't wanna share my heart .
which i understand COMPLETELY cus i believe in only one person having
your ONE heart . & i neverrrrr meant to fall in love w. both . or have
both in love w. me because i never wanted to be in tha predicament to
have to choose & hurt someone .
& i feel like shit because i do always end up hurting james & i know he
doesn't deserve it because he's been nothing but good to me . & ill
always love him .
but i feel like there's a reason me & Z are still holding on to EACH
OTHER [ don't get it twisted , im nt being blind & jus being scared to
let go , HE wont let me go .] i let go before & he came back . so let me
just ride this rollercoaster one more time & see what happens .
because god has him in my life for a reason .
i love james , but sometimes i feel like he doesn't deserve me becus i
keep going bck to my first love & hurting him . i wish we could go back
to being good friends , maybe with time ?? bt after this i don't think
we`ll ever be tha same :-/
but that's a chance im risking . all in tha name of [first] love .
i hope yall understand where im comming from and don't think im dumb for
my choice .
& btw , since we`ve been together everythings been perfect . i think
he`s really genuinely happy to have me back . not just like tryna be
with me so i wont be w. someone else becus i was gonna see if it felt
that way . but it feels just like we were when we first fell in love .
but better . because now he tells me how much more he loves &
appreciates me now that he has me back :)
CLICHE ! i knooow . sheesh . get off my bacck >:o
it feels real , only time can tell .
& i already realize that if we don't work out , i left a wonderful man
chasing after first love .
but im okay w. that . because im happy .

SHOUTOUTS to ma btchh Qu33nKam ! [http://wattheeff.blogspot.com]
thankies for thee shoutout & i totally related to tha 1st love post .
hopefully all goes well w. yours . much lovee loveeey !

&&to my sweetest thing james de`von : i truly do love you & im sry . .
.im always here for you .