its neverending .

my blog used to be my placee of venting .
i could write out how i felt & ppl would relate & i wouldnt feel so bad
or alone .
now i avoid it , cus it seems everytime i talk about how i feel ,
someone ends up mad or hurt .
and i don't want it to be like that .
nobody understands how i feel .
im sure but im confused .
im right but im wrong .
im happy but im unsure .

today is me and Z`s 11 month anniversary .
11 months . im surprised . im happy . i love him .
and since we`ve been back together our relationship has been damn near
flawless . and im sooo happy that it has been but the only disagreement
i have . . .

he wanted me to promise not to talk to james anymore .
okaaay . i did . cus i respected that on behalf of our relationship .
knowing that it wasn't gonna be easy to stop talking to him .

i told james and yet again . its just another disappointment to him .
first i hurt him by going bck to my ex , nowww im telling him i can't
talk to him anymore or as much as we used to . and i can understand why
i shouldn't talk to him but i can also understand why its so hard for me
to stop .

he's been in my life 10 months damn near everyday . we started as
friends so tht friendship will always be there but i know id be in tha
wrong , disrespecting my relationship if i continue talking to james
when i know i promised i wouldnt . im not big on breaking promises . nor
am i a liar .

i feel like no matter what . i continue to have to choose . but no
matter what choice i make im still feeling unsure . i don't feel like i
made tha wrong choice by trying again with my ex bcus things are
workingout right now . so hopefully that continues . but i feel as
though i made tha wrong choice in hurting him again . i wish it could be
more simple . like i knew one didn't love me or i didn't love one of
them but that's not tha situation .

as of right now im scared of tha future . im scared that what if things
don't work out . what if i made tha wrong decision . what if i made tha
right one . likee i can't even explain how i feel .

i love Z soo muchh and hes put me thru soo muchh and it jus made our
love for each other stronger . we been thru so much . i don't regret
giving us another chance . i jus wish it wasn't so much heartbreak and
decisions involved .

i love james alooot . he's done nothing but been there for me since day
one . keeps me smiling . always supports me and has never hurt me
intentionally but I've hurt him so many times unintentionally & he still
loves me and it hurts me so baad that i know i keep hurting him trying
to decide where i wanna be .

i can't say i wasn't happy when i was w. him bcus i was . i could see
myself w.him . but idk why i seen myself with Z again . i could handle
james' situation . but i think i was too scared to risk losing him to
another female that'll never go away . maybe i was slightly intimidated
. so i punked out . or maybe i jus wasn't done loving Zahkeem and i
needed this for my own self assurance that we are or aren't meant to be
.

i thought about being single again & letting them both go to see who'd
come back . . .but i know that they both would . all i can do at this
point is focus on my relationship and hope for tha best . ill always
hurt . this situation jus makes me cry talking about it . but i can only
handle one thing and relationship at a time . im not a cheater . im not
a player . im not a liar . im not a user . im a lover . and all i wnna
do is love .. . .
2 of us fell in love together . and one fell in love with me and i fell
in love back .
this is prolly gonna be my last love life post . so tha blog may get a
little drab . but ill be back .

broken hearts .

i can't even fill yall in on tha situation .
i can't even express wtf is goin on .
i don't even wanna tlk about it .
everything i tlk about is sad .
i can't ever talk about a happy moment .
like how tf did i get this sad .
idk whts whts right and wrong anymore .
what feels wrong is right .
and what feels right is wrong .
tears can never fix tha situation , never take away tha pain , never
make shit better .
i feel like im losing myself .
im so down , i have no feeling .
you know i got into a fight wit a btchh today and if someone handed me a
gun i woulda shot tht btchh with no remorse .
and THAT scares tf outta me .
i should and did have more heart than that .
i hurt people because im in pain and thts wrong
like when does life get better for angelica as a whole .?
fuck pieces of my life .
i wanna really be happy .
im bout to end up in a fckn psych ward by myself soon if shit dnt change
. i really feel like im jus . . .
whatever . that's how i feel .
whatever .

goodnight on that note .

im tiredd .

why does life feel like a never ending nightmare ?
why does everything i want , still nt exist for me ?
why does it feel like every choice i make is wrong .
i like don't gaf about life anymore .
i can't even cry cus all tha emotion gets stuck n my throat .
my happiness is always limited .
im still always more mad than i am happy .
im dissatisfied with life . this isn't how i pictured it .
i don't even want it anymore .

out of my mind : be back soon .

im bout to go fckinng bananasss !
i been at ma cuzin old "boo" house since 2qam lasssst nite ,
& im STILL here !

IM READY TO FCKINGG GO!!!!

back to square one .

CAUTION: THIS BLOG IS VERY LONG SO SIT BACK , REELAAX & THROW ON YOUR
READING GLASSES CUS I GOT ALOOT TO SAY oh , & cmmnts ARE appreciated :)

ugh . i be feelin so wishy washy . lol .
cus i blog about something then shit spins 36o`s &
eveeerything changes . yall prolly like thiss beeeitch !
shee a dumbb ass bitchhh !
lmao . im really noot tho ! >:o
so lets see , i left off w. thee whole "i give up" la-di- daa . . .
tha tables have turnedd . . .
we back together :-/ :)
I KNOW ! I KNOW !
waaait !
lemme explaain .
smh . its so complex but i had to . . .
f o ll ow m yy h ea r t ---------> ♥ .

so this is whaat happened .
i love my first love Z ... still, after everything .
[i gained most of all my followers tlkin about us lol ]
i felt as tho i stopped , and maybe i did for awhile but never fully
stopped , just overrided feelings i guess ?
then .
i fell in love w. james . still love him .
then we got together .
then we broke up , due to complications in his life .
i promised i`d be there for him . still am .
even tho i was hurt .
now .
when james went m.i.a for about 3 weeks or so , check in calls every few
days or so . .
me & my first love started talking again .
at first very little cus all we did was tlk shit n get mad cus we knew
we were both tlking to other people .
we were mostly cool tho .
got into it reeeeal bad about 3 times . i told him i hated him like
twice . blocked him about twice . lol .
sooo anywayssss . . . . my feelings came back .
you know how your first love feelins are .
haard to let go of :-/
so the other daaaay ,
james hits me up . were talking . and im getting on his head abt us not
talking like usual bcus he no longer has a phone bcus 'someone' wont let
him have it back .
smh .
so then he says doesn't matter yu get to tlk to your lil bf anyways .
which makes me smirk .
so i get mad like that's not tha point .
and we lwky get into it .
cus im like , yu can't get mad that we started talking again if yu
didn't stay on your p`s & q`s . i respected tha fact yu needed space
bcus he did . but when i wanted to stay w. him thru it . he decided it
was better if we weren't together . fiiiine . i didn't care cus i didn't
expect me & Z to hit it off again .
moving on .
so he`s like . .your still in love w. him .
and im like idk . i can't answer that .
[smh @ me in a love triangle >:o ]
so anywho , he says .
i can't do this shit anymore fuck it .
i can't handle you still being in love w. him .
smh , i dnt really know what to say cus how do you tell
another man u love , you`ll never stop loving someone else . . . .w. out
breaking their heart . .?
so , i jus told him i needed time to figure things out but i loved him
and was gonna figure it out .
so coincidentally ,
thee daay beforeeee , me and Z were having a serious discussion bcus tha
nite before that i had cussed him out about always lying , ect ect
[refer to previous blog] and that ended in a I HATE YOU .
[i knoow . im cruel :-/]
but he hits me tha nxt day like i love you & i miss yu .
soooo ,
were tlking and he says he doesn't know when he wants to get back
together . yaddi yaddi , he can't predict tha future so i said ok , i
can live w. that and left it at that .
NOW , back to thha james ultimatum .
basically he's like . its me or him .
so after , im like well if Z doesn't wanna be with me right now . maybe
if i tell him how i feel he`ll understaand . . .
so i explain to him . how i feel . about both of them . and how if he
doesn't wanna be together then im going to be w. james .
[ mind you ; in tha back of my mind . i have no real intentions to cut Z
all tha way off bcus , i still do love him & want him to be in my life
if only jus frinss ]
soo . first he's like . . if yu leave me thts it . that's the end of us
. period .
to me im like :-/ cus that's kind of heartbreaking to me .
he's like be w. james if that's who yu wanna be with .
then everything changes .
because he then says he wants to be with me . and he doesn't wanna lose
me bcus he loves me .
and it becomes a choice btwn him or james . not an ultimatum .
but a choice i have to make personally . . .
so coincidentallly , im watching THE NOTEBOOK [best love story EVER] &
tha part where she's bout to leave noah for her fiance after they jus
rekindled their love flame & he makes her choose for HERSELF who she
wants to be with & he says . . . .

"well that's what we do , we fight . you tell me when im being a
arrogant son of a btchh . and i tell you when your being a pain in the
ass , which you ARE 99% of tha time ! im not afraid to hurt your
feelings , you have like a 2 second rebound rate then your back to doing
tha nxt pain in tha ass thing . so its not gonna be easy . its gonna be
really hard. were gonna have to work at this evryday , but i want to do
that bcus i want you . i want all of you , forever . you and me ,
everyday ."

so at that point . i made my decision .
& i chooooose . . . .
my first love .
[who did ask me back out after btw , i never brought it up ]
NOW let me explain WHY , bcus i know a lot of yall are like WTF !? yu
dumb BITCH ! lol .

now . im still in love w. my first love .
i love james also .
BUT .
even tho its possible for me to love both .
i can only BE w. one . & give my heart to ONE ,
becus its only fair . now . since im not over my first love & were not
over yet . i feel like its unfair to be w. james because in tha back of
my heart , i KNOW ill still be in love w. Z . noot that it keeps me from
loving james bcus it doesn't . but i know that james doesn't want me to
still be in love w. him bcus he doesn't wanna share my heart .
which i understand COMPLETELY cus i believe in only one person having
your ONE heart . & i neverrrrr meant to fall in love w. both . or have
both in love w. me because i never wanted to be in tha predicament to
have to choose & hurt someone .
& i feel like shit because i do always end up hurting james & i know he
doesn't deserve it because he's been nothing but good to me . & ill
always love him .
but i feel like there's a reason me & Z are still holding on to EACH
OTHER [ don't get it twisted , im nt being blind & jus being scared to
let go , HE wont let me go .] i let go before & he came back . so let me
just ride this rollercoaster one more time & see what happens .
because god has him in my life for a reason .
i love james , but sometimes i feel like he doesn't deserve me becus i
keep going bck to my first love & hurting him . i wish we could go back
to being good friends , maybe with time ?? bt after this i don't think
we`ll ever be tha same :-/
but that's a chance im risking . all in tha name of [first] love .
i hope yall understand where im comming from and don't think im dumb for
my choice .
& btw , since we`ve been together everythings been perfect . i think
he`s really genuinely happy to have me back . not just like tryna be
with me so i wont be w. someone else becus i was gonna see if it felt
that way . but it feels just like we were when we first fell in love .
but better . because now he tells me how much more he loves &
appreciates me now that he has me back :)
CLICHE ! i knooow . sheesh . get off my bacck >:o
it feels real , only time can tell .
& i already realize that if we don't work out , i left a wonderful man
chasing after first love .
but im okay w. that . because im happy .

SHOUTOUTS to ma btchh Qu33nKam ! [http://wattheeff.blogspot.com]
thankies for thee shoutout & i totally related to tha 1st love post .
hopefully all goes well w. yours . much lovee loveeey !

&&to my sweetest thing james de`von : i truly do love you & im sry . .
.im always here for you .

change of heart .

you know what .
scratch that .
love is too complex .
and im tired of tryna justify shit i know is wrong
jus to make it right .
i love the fuck outta his ass .
but he wont stop LYING !
i can't fckn handle it .
i can't .
there's nothin i hate more then a person that can't be honest .
and its a love/hate thing cus i love him . bt he lies so much i hate em
.
and i never know if he's lyin or tellin tha truth unless i catch him .
so to me everything out his mouth is a fckn lie .
whatever .
he's changed but he's still tha same .
and i refuse to live my life with a man that's not of his word .

im not gonna say ima go back to james either cus im not doin tha back n
forth .
as of right now i don't really gaf about NOBDY !
that's how i feel .
every nigga that's ever told me they loved he had played or betrayed me
in some way .
so fuck niggas ! fuck tha L word & fuck tha nxt nigga tht come ma way
usin it cus that shit don't live here any more .
straaate fuckinn DRxPPPP !

welcome to h e a r t LESS >:]

time for another heart to heart .

so i`ve sort of been neglecting tha blog .
so sorry my loves .
im thinking maybe its abt time for a new blog .
i feel nt so comfortable posting abt what i be goin thru / thinking
considering people i love read it .
im not ashamed of how i feel .
or trying to hide it , i just know sometimes people get hurt or mad .
but this is just me expressing myself .
please let me live .

moving on . . .

love . is . thee . most . complicating . confusing . thing . in . the .
world .
smh .
idk where to start .
i`ve been having a lot of good , deep talks w. my ex . & i`ve come to
tha realizatiion that there has to be a reason he`s still in my life .
and i even asked my sis/ wife who gives thee best advice just to make
sure it wasn't me being blind again =/
buuut .
no matter what we go thru .
if he stps talkin to me .
or i stop talkin to him .
he ALWAYS comes bck to me .
everytime , i wanna give up and say fkc it .
he comes bkc .
i blocked him on aim last week bcus he had made me mad .
& he emailed me a few hours later asking to be unblocked .
and its like ,
he could've left alooong time ago so he has to be around for a reason .
he loves me , w. out a doubt .
& i love him also , that's my first love .
id ride for him .
but idk , im scared to get bkc into a relationship right now .
i jus keep getting hurt over and over .
i wnna make sure its forreal .
plus he's leaving for basic training [marines] in sept and thts gonna
break my heart after he leaves .
we not bkc together together . bt we together . lol .
feels that way . that's my love .

your all wondering whaaat aboout jamesss >:o !!

im wondering too =/
i hellaa miss him i haven't talked to him in about a week .
last time he called he was still in atl and when i asked when he was
coming bck , he said he didn't know .
he sounded so sad .
he asked if i was still tlkin to my ex & i told him tha truth .
he said he was surprised i haven't took him bkc yet which actually kinna
hurt me like damn .
am i that weak ?
like he's expecting me to jus say fkc him and go bck to my ex .
which in all honesty i could .
but that's not what i wanna do .
i still love him so much .
but i think my love for my ex is superior .
he said he wanted to go bck to being friends , so be it .
he needs time and space i guess .
and i need time attention & affection .
things he's unable to give right now .

im so lost right now .
at this point im jus like follow your heart angelica .
cus i can't predict what's gonna happen or who ima be with .
i don't wanna hurt anyone either .
i just wanna be wit someone who's gonna love me and treat me tha way i
deserve to be treated .
my first priority right now is me .
love is last on my list bcus idk what's gonna happen and im not bout to
stress it .
i love and miss james .
bt as of right now ,
my heart is sayin first love . . .
im just not ready to take that last step .

update .

sooo basicallly .
i stood in a long ass line for 3 hrs .
to have a group interview w. 10 other girls .
just to basically nt get tha job bcus i start skool in sept .
and my schedule wont be completely open .
hmph .

ain`t that a btchh .

it`s gonnaa be a long daay :-/

soo , im standing heree in this lonng ass linee for these forever21 open
interviews in riverside .

they start @ 10am , i got here @ 9 & wooooooww .
this linee is wrapped around like e times >:o

i thought i was cute in my lil zebra peep toe steve maddens my mtfckn
feet gon be swoll :( hahahahaha .
well wishh me thee best yall i needa fcking job >:o

oh & its this cute ass nigga here , very veeery well dressed like some
kanye , neyo type shit but he looks kindaa gaaay :( no luuck for mee
lmaoo .

but yeaa lots of different people here young & old . fashion foward &
jus plain tacky lmao .

i know yall like btchh we don't care but shit i gotta have somn to do .
all my frinns still sleep right now lmao .

ill tell yall how it went after . ta ta for now :)

poem # 9 .

thoughts are cluttering my mind , so unkind .
i love him soo muchh ,
can`t seem to leave him behind
as my eyes start to get hot from built up confusion
tears burn lines of emotions down my face .
there isn`t enough time to find all the causes
no matter how much i spend trying
equations and suggestions
advice and questions
and the only solution i get is :reality
there is no longer a you and me
and i realize that ,
but my heart refuses to grasp that
it won`t set you free
you were my first love
and that love that blinded me
because i wasn`t prepared to see all tha things
i was supposed to be
i gave you all of me , instead of focusing on things
i should be
then over time realized i could never make you
love me tha way i wanted you to
you just loved me tha only way you
knew how to
and maybe im expecting more than you can give me
constantly drifting off into fantasies
of "you & me`s"
hoping for the best , bt prolly "wont ever be`s"
why can`t i let you go ?
all i wanna do is grow .
and yes, i chose to be w. him
bt i just wanna let you know
that no matter what direction we go
i love you soo much moree than youll ever know .

poem # 8 .

frustrations relieved
as these dark complexities untangle
i feel sunlight on my life
thawing slowly from so many cold nights w. you
your hold is no longer tight
as i walk closer towards tha light
i smile
because im free from all tha emotions once leading me towards insanity.
im reaching closer to my right state of mind
so clear and focused i am no longer blind
i feel tha warmth of His love awaiting me
tha closer i get tha more i understand what it feels like to be free
im right there w. him , face to face
but theres a invisible wall i cant displace
so close to having you , yet i cant have you
i still feel tha warmth , you can still be seen
so , ill settle for right here beside you living a distant dream .