i tried . . .

to resist , bt i just couldn`t help it . . . .

dearest blog & blog readers ,
this has really just become not only an diary / outlet , but alsoo ,
someone to talk to . i mean i talk to my friends but it doesn`t really
help when you know they don`t really understand & can`t really feel you
. im just ughh ! man . i swear people take everything for granted ! even
me ! i felt so special that i had 3 of my exes tellin me they lovedd me
. not that i would ever take advantage of that becus im NOT that typee
of personn . . .i D000 believee in karma ! but i just figuredd i`d
always have someonee . & noww . . . i have no onee :(

my first ex , he was here beforee tha rest of them . we had a rockyy ass
relationship bt i stuck it out likee thaa loyalist that i am . plus he
was tha first guy to ever tell me he lovedd me . i lovedd him too . just
not as much as my *last ex . . .so anyway , i chilled w. him a few weeks
ago & a couple feelinss camee back , unfortunately>:o .
& he startedd actinn shadyy after tha nxt couple days . i thought it
was because he was madd that he had asked me if he had me back , & i
told him no . becus i was in lovee w. my bf/ex . so i figuredd he was
jus beinn rude to cover thaa painn . thenn tha truth came out about him
, bein in love w. someone & me bein in love w. someone ect. ect . & i
was actually lwky hurt lol . bt w.e i wasn`t really trippin .

then there`s my second ex , not necessarily my last . buuuut , tha one i
talk about tha most . thaa lovee of my lifee . that basically playedd my
mind & my heart out like ps3 . pssht . it took damn near 9 months for me
to see . well , i won`t say see , cus i seen all tha bullshit , & i knew
it wasn`t right . i was just determinedd to makee it ritee . call me a
hopeless romantic , W.T.F.E ! lol , i don`t regret it . i was in lovee .
i still lovee him . bt he just cant do what he need to do to keep me .
most people would say , oh angelicaa . .. he don`t really lovee yuu cus
. . this that n thiss . ahhh , btchh suck ma dick ! nobodyy talked to
this nigga basically everyday for almost nine months , none of yall
spent 4-1o hours havinn conversations w. a nigga e v e r y d a y . now ,
you tell me . do anyy nigga talk to any btchh let alonee a btchh he
supposebly D0NT lovee for that many hours a dayy ??? exactly . he may
havee his bad qualities , bt nobodys perfect . i learned to deal w. em .
& now i`ve learned to let it go . he'l always be MY first REAL lovee cus
i never havee & might not ever will lovee anyonee tha way i lovee him .
he`s just special . my bby forever .

now my last ex , :( im really sad about . we could`ve stayed together
but it was just uncomfortable knowing i wasn`t over him [lass paragraph]
& knowing how much this guy cares about me . i`ve known him almost as
long as my last ex but we didnt have feelings for each other until
recently . but i know he really cares about me and really does lovee me
. & yeaa , i havee lovee for him . he`s a beautiful person . bt , my
heart hasn`t healed yet . so i refuse to say im in lovee . i feel guilty
. i`ve hurt him soo many times trying to choose whether i was done w. my
previous ex yet . & then realizing i wasnt . i constantly made us go
back n forth between . being JUST friends to being a little more than
that to being back to JUST friends . he doesnt deserve that . & now that
i`ve come to realize that . im finally ready to take that step . . .i
think it may be too late :( tha last time i talked to him i was telling
him something but that wording was bad . but it was meant to be a good
statement . . . i was trying to tell him i hold on to him because he
keeps me happy . but it came off like . thats tha only reason i keep him
around , like for my own satisfaction & thats completely off ! cus i
really have feelings for him and i really care about him and im just mad
at myself now ! cus i think i`ve managed to fuck up what i`ve been
waiting for . . . we havent talked in 2 days bt idk . . .i just know i
miss him :(

i thought i was good . i was single & even tho i was still in love . i
figured i wouldnt go lonely . [ yea yea , shut up talkin shit ] but in
the end . . after i finally decided to let go of what i needed to . i
ended up w. nothing . no one to talk to . no one to call bby . no one to
lovee . . .im just sad af now . i really miss himmm . i just hope
evrything turns out for tha best . i really wish things wouldve worked
out for me and thaa lovee of my lifee . but i guess it just wasnt meant
to be . i was so captivated in tha fantasy of our future we had talked
about n created that i wasnt caring about what was happening at this
very time and moment . & if yuu can`t get shit together in tha present .
. .how yuu gonna get it together in thaa futuree ???

* sighh . im tiredd . im worried . im sad . & im lonely .
i just hope everything turns out tha way its supposed to .
ill keep you guys postedd . .