to neww beginnings . . . :)

soooooooo :]
godd really was savingg thaa best for last !
i got my bf back [ last one ] , & i can sayy that im really happy :) i
knoww he really lovess me & i lovee him too . maybee not to thaa extent
that he lovess me , but we both know it , it`ll comee along in time thoo
. he`s really special to mee :) he`s like my bestfriend & now my lover
[soon] lol .

&&& guessss whaaaaat !
i got my financial aid award frm csu-dominguez hills !
they basically payinn for my whole tuitionn . cus my unmet needs was
$507 & changee .

but .

i might not need to pay it cus i might not havee to livee on campuss ,
and tht a take $4ooo somnn off . and sooooooo :) afterr that ill have
leftover $$$$ :) which is soooo good .!

buut wishh me luckk yall . cuus thaa deadline for registering for my
placement tests is nxt fridayy soo hopefulllllly they get tht shit , cus
tha last test is june 13th & i need to takee it >:o !! lol

but im confident . im onn ma shit thoo . i can`t fuck this upp . im
exciteddd :)

bt , yeaa , tthts about it for noww bbs :)

i tried . . .

to resist , bt i just couldn`t help it . . . .

dearest blog & blog readers ,
this has really just become not only an diary / outlet , but alsoo ,
someone to talk to . i mean i talk to my friends but it doesn`t really
help when you know they don`t really understand & can`t really feel you
. im just ughh ! man . i swear people take everything for granted ! even
me ! i felt so special that i had 3 of my exes tellin me they lovedd me
. not that i would ever take advantage of that becus im NOT that typee
of personn . . .i D000 believee in karma ! but i just figuredd i`d
always have someonee . & noww . . . i have no onee :(

my first ex , he was here beforee tha rest of them . we had a rockyy ass
relationship bt i stuck it out likee thaa loyalist that i am . plus he
was tha first guy to ever tell me he lovedd me . i lovedd him too . just
not as much as my *last ex . . .so anyway , i chilled w. him a few weeks
ago & a couple feelinss camee back , unfortunately>:o .
& he startedd actinn shadyy after tha nxt couple days . i thought it
was because he was madd that he had asked me if he had me back , & i
told him no . becus i was in lovee w. my bf/ex . so i figuredd he was
jus beinn rude to cover thaa painn . thenn tha truth came out about him
, bein in love w. someone & me bein in love w. someone ect. ect . & i
was actually lwky hurt lol . bt w.e i wasn`t really trippin .

then there`s my second ex , not necessarily my last . buuuut , tha one i
talk about tha most . thaa lovee of my lifee . that basically playedd my
mind & my heart out like ps3 . pssht . it took damn near 9 months for me
to see . well , i won`t say see , cus i seen all tha bullshit , & i knew
it wasn`t right . i was just determinedd to makee it ritee . call me a
hopeless romantic , W.T.F.E ! lol , i don`t regret it . i was in lovee .
i still lovee him . bt he just cant do what he need to do to keep me .
most people would say , oh angelicaa . .. he don`t really lovee yuu cus
. . this that n thiss . ahhh , btchh suck ma dick ! nobodyy talked to
this nigga basically everyday for almost nine months , none of yall
spent 4-1o hours havinn conversations w. a nigga e v e r y d a y . now ,
you tell me . do anyy nigga talk to any btchh let alonee a btchh he
supposebly D0NT lovee for that many hours a dayy ??? exactly . he may
havee his bad qualities , bt nobodys perfect . i learned to deal w. em .
& now i`ve learned to let it go . he'l always be MY first REAL lovee cus
i never havee & might not ever will lovee anyonee tha way i lovee him .
he`s just special . my bby forever .

now my last ex , :( im really sad about . we could`ve stayed together
but it was just uncomfortable knowing i wasn`t over him [lass paragraph]
& knowing how much this guy cares about me . i`ve known him almost as
long as my last ex but we didnt have feelings for each other until
recently . but i know he really cares about me and really does lovee me
. & yeaa , i havee lovee for him . he`s a beautiful person . bt , my
heart hasn`t healed yet . so i refuse to say im in lovee . i feel guilty
. i`ve hurt him soo many times trying to choose whether i was done w. my
previous ex yet . & then realizing i wasnt . i constantly made us go
back n forth between . being JUST friends to being a little more than
that to being back to JUST friends . he doesnt deserve that . & now that
i`ve come to realize that . im finally ready to take that step . . .i
think it may be too late :( tha last time i talked to him i was telling
him something but that wording was bad . but it was meant to be a good
statement . . . i was trying to tell him i hold on to him because he
keeps me happy . but it came off like . thats tha only reason i keep him
around , like for my own satisfaction & thats completely off ! cus i
really have feelings for him and i really care about him and im just mad
at myself now ! cus i think i`ve managed to fuck up what i`ve been
waiting for . . . we havent talked in 2 days bt idk . . .i just know i
miss him :(

i thought i was good . i was single & even tho i was still in love . i
figured i wouldnt go lonely . [ yea yea , shut up talkin shit ] but in
the end . . after i finally decided to let go of what i needed to . i
ended up w. nothing . no one to talk to . no one to call bby . no one to
lovee . . .im just sad af now . i really miss himmm . i just hope
evrything turns out for tha best . i really wish things wouldve worked
out for me and thaa lovee of my lifee . but i guess it just wasnt meant
to be . i was so captivated in tha fantasy of our future we had talked
about n created that i wasnt caring about what was happening at this
very time and moment . & if yuu can`t get shit together in tha present .
. .how yuu gonna get it together in thaa futuree ???

* sighh . im tiredd . im worried . im sad . & im lonely .
i just hope everything turns out tha way its supposed to .
ill keep you guys postedd . .

queen cammm !

heyy lovee ,
i had to post cus i cant leavee cmmnts :-/ but i appreciatee soo muchh
of thaa feeback yuu givee me cus unlikee alotta ppls advicee , i
understand yours and can tell you`ve been thru it . im flatteredd that
my blog inspiredd yuu to blog ! cus i lovee your posts too ! but im
hellaa sadd i cant read em on my phonee cus it only shows your
background :( so when i get on a cpu i gotta get to that lol . but
thank youuu so muchh lovee , you`ve really helped me in ways yuu don`t
even knoww :) ttys lovee !

you losee one , you gain onee .

so .
i ended things w. thaa ex .
i was just at my fed up point not to mention im just tired of thaa same
run around .
i realizedd that i didn`t wanna losee that other special someone dealing
w. his bullshit , cus i really likee himm & i know he reallly cares
about me . i knoww my ex lovess me despite what anyones sayss but i
guess it`s just not meant to be .

so im readyy for this new journey .
readyy for something neww .
not gonna jump straight into this realtionship
although its already been establishedd :)
i just wanna takee it sloww & not fck it up .
i got alotta love for him , i just can`t love him tha way he lovess me
, yet .
i said something reeally dumb lass nite tho , and i think he`s mad at me
. leave it up to me to fck off what im tryna keep :-/
i knoww this person is what i need right now tho .
i finallyy realizedd i need to stop chasing dreams & openn my eyes to
realityy , beforee it walks outta my lifee . . .

bt , on a diff notee .
my cuzinn is moving in to they`re new housee in riversidee tmmrw or
wedss & she said i can movee in !!
so yayyy me closer to a diff job market ! ahh yessss . i hopee i find a
mthfcknn jooooob ! wishh mee luuuck !

i`ll keep yuu guys postedd , yeaa ?
gnitee all :)

ohh && ps - RIP dolla , omg . i can`t believee they killed him , like
wtf . that`s sadd . my heart goes out to his family & friends :-/

you losee one , you gain onee .

so .
i ended things w. thaa ex .
i was just at my fed up point not to mention im just tired of thaa same
run around .
i realizedd that i didn`t wanna losee that other special someone dealing
w. his bullshit , cus i really likee himm & i know he reallly cares
about me . i knoww my ex lovess me despite what anyones sayss but i
guess it`s just not meant to be .

so im readyy for this new journey .
readyy for something neww .
not gonna jump straight into this realtionship
although its already been establishedd :)
i just wanna takee it sloww & not fck it up .
i got alotta love for him , i just can`t love him tha way he lovess me
, yet .
i said something reeally dumb lass nite tho , and i think he`s mad at me
. leave it up to me to fck off what im tryna keep :-/
i knoww this person is what i need right now tho .
i finallyy realizedd i need to stop chasing dreams & openn my eyes to
realityy , beforee it walks outta my lifee . . .

bt , on a diff notee .
my cuzinn is moving in to they`re new housee in riversidee tmmrw or
wedss & she said i can movee in !!
so yayyy me closer to a diff job market ! ahh yessss . i hopee i find a
mthfcknn jooooob ! wishh mee luuuck !

i`ll keep yuu guys postedd , yeaa ?
gnitee all :)

ohh && ps - RIP dolla , omg . i can`t believee they killed him , like
wtf . that`s sadd . my heart goes out to his family & friends :-/

me . myself . & i .

* that`s all i got in thaa endd , thats what i found out . . .

not even basedd uponn thaa song . but beyonce was on to somethinn ! lol
. so im prolly bout to be on serious blog overload sincee it`s beenn
soo longg && i have so muchh built upp . i just can`t writee it all at
oncee or it`ll prolly takee up thaa wholeeee blog lol . so back to thaa
moral of thaa topic . . .

i`ve basically felt alonee my whole lifee . me & my onlyy sister are
seven years apart so we didn`t really hit it off til i was like 17 - 18
. i playedd mostly by myself [ w. barbiess n shit ] not becausee i
didn`t havee friendss but becausee i didn`t have alotta kidss aroundd
wheree i livedd . it was mostlyy jus old peoplee . blahh & boring .
so yeaa anywayss i`ve basically just trainedd myself to be okay w. being
alonee . even tho i really hateeee it
, it`s just something im used to . . . i`ve always been single & alonee
versus in a relationship cus i`ve never had a REAL serious relationship
, well at least nothing comparable to shit yu see on tv or evenn real
lifee for that matter . my relationships are always unique . thus ,
never lasting .

my nearest & dearest relationship , & first like REAL lovee lovee
relationship is my last one . whichh is why i think i'll never let it go
. theyy sayy yuu stay in lovee w. yo first lovee . our relationshipp
is still strong . our lovee is still mutual . we talk about things
i`ve never talked about beforee . tha future , tha past , tha present .
w. him everything feels soo right . but theres always a flaw . . .always
. he doesn `t let his actions speak louder than his words . so we never
see each other . never spend time . nadaa . just all conversation ,
whichh is mostly how we ended up in tha state were in - separatedd .
but , im loyal . always have been always will be . i really have faithh
in us . and its not even about being stupid . i don`t really likee
hearing ppls opinionss on tha matter becus i know what they gonna say ,
and they not in this relationship , i am . ill be dumb , stupid , w.e
but i know how i feel & i know how he feels . thats what it is . i `ve
already preparedd myself for IF we don`t last or IF we don`t do all tha
things we said . its just a risk ima takee . you only live oncee . .
.

ok , i got a lil caught up in that but basically . im still lonely . i
don`t spend timee w. other niggas cus i just don`t even tho i could . i
really wanna spend timee w. ppl i caree about . bt , it doesn`t always
end up that way . i guess i stay lonely cus im too picky ? or maybe im
just stupid . im not thaa type of girl that jus surrounds herself w.
niggas . i likee who i like , and when i do thats who i likee . NOT
saying . i can`t like more than one person , cus i can . i jus choose
to stay loyal . i consider that a good quality bt , sometimes . . . i
really feel likee its not .

im single . & im lonely af . everyone i would kick it w. i can`t , or
don`t want to . i`m not trynaa meet anyone new cus i hatee going thru
that process . bt , maybe that`s all im left withh . if not im just
gonna stayy lonelyy forever .

i just wanna be held . i wanna cuddle . i wanna kiss . i wanna lovee
. i wanna be loveddd . it shouldn`t be this hardd .

i makee things complicatedd for myself . but i guess that just makess me
who i am . & makess me be that unique girl everyone always says is " not
like anyone else " . cus im not afraid to be me . & follow how i feel
.
we all get hurt . thenn get up & tryy againn . ima keep trying til i
can`t try anymoree . . .i haven`t decidedd if thats something to look
forwardd to , or something to be afraid of . time do tell :)

ohh yeaa , btw . . .

im thinkingg about getting my septum piercedd nxt monthh . i already
have my nose pierced bt i want another piercing . bt , something diff .
& i alreadyy had my lip , dnt want ma eyebroww , yeaa so anywhoo , i
pickedd tha septum cus i think its hella cutee & i like how yuu can
hidee it by flipping it up into yo nose if yuu want so thats a plus on
thaa job tip :) this is how it would look .

comments ?
, m ost o ff i cial b tchhh .
- tooooooPR0PER .

& it workeddd ! :)

soo on that notee ;

*thankss tuhhwinn ! ilyy mamas :)

noww , lets catch upp !
sooo , i`ve missedd youu guyss soooooooo muchh .
evenn tho we don`t talk likee conversationally , i look forward to yall
cmmnts n feedback & i miss it .
soo , in tha meanwhilee sincee i couldnt follow or post whilee my cpu
been dead . ive been following my most favoritest funniest blogs ! [no
offense to anyone , ily all ]
but thosee would includee :

- bothh of dizzy`s blogs [ilypunk :)]
- drawer of intimacies .
- the makings of me! [imyy lovee !]
- it doesnt hurt to smile .
- the REAL [toyy]*$tory .
- . . .yup , simone be talkin shit .
- you know you dead azz wrong .
- FCUK H0LLYW00D .
& - a hit of caramel cocaine .

mann , yall been my lifesaverss ! keepingg me laughing & entertainedd .
keep it upp ! :)

now on to meeeee ,

im single :)

boo hoo hoo . yea , w.e . im enjoying it . me & my ex still havee tha
best relationshipp EVER we don`t even feel like we`re brokenn up . but
we aree , & i enjoyy tha way it is . it`s like a separationn in a
marriagee . we still havee plans for tha futuree , things just aren`t
perfect right noww . whether things turn out thaa way we plan , mmm ,
onlyy timee will tell . . .

til thenn . im content .

i had anoother bf for likee 4 dayss . he asked & i accepted . buut , im
not over himm ^^ soo , it just wasnt right , thaa right timingg . && i
feel horrible cus i know how he feels about me & i just keep hurting him
. but NOT intentionally ! it`s just . . .not time for me to leave thaa
love of my lifee . :-/

moving on . . .

my loser ass is STILL unemployedd >:o !
but im on my grindd . i gotta wakee up in thaa morninn to go fill out
some apps . my mom brought it too my attentionn that G0D onlyy HELPS
thosee that help THEMSELF . && i admit , even tho i haveee been looking
for a job . i haveeee been a lil lazy about tha situationn . i know i
havent given it my full potential , so maybe if i try harder , he`ll
helpp me :)

ahh , i need jesus . right now .
im single . i have no job . & i don`t start skoo til this fall .
as of right now , all tha time i possess i commit to bettering myself &
bringing me back to wheree i needa be . cus on some sadd ass serious
shit . i was doinn better when i was 18 versus now & im bout to be 21 in
5 months :-/ lol , saaad but truee .

thats lifee tho . sometimess i wanna givee up . but fuck it . im too
cutee for that shit , i gotta see myself in 10 years wtf . i gotta get
married n havee kids ! have a housee & a dog ! ** me && bbyddy already
planned it out , lmaoo . i jus need a lil timee to get back on my feet
& get ma shit together . im determinedd . so i can do anything i put my
mind to :)

soo , on that noteee .
for everyone goinn thru similar shit as mee .
keep yo head highh && keep it pushhinn ,
good things comee w. timee :)
ilyyy ! leavee me comments !

thiss is a tester .

sooo .
i got myy twinny twinn twinnn to updatee my settings
so that i couldd blog from my kick sincee i havee no cpu >:o
soo , im jus seeing if this postss && if it doess . . .
immm baaaaack btchhhhesssss !
mwahahahahhahahahaha >:]

be back soon :)

Soorryyy yall , I know I been mia . Bt the cpuu is downn & im phoneless . Not muchh to blog about at thee moment but ill bee back soon , don't forget about mee ! Ilyall && hiiii neww followersss !!! Stay tunedd !