thaankfuul . . .

.. .for my life as it is .
i sat and read tha bible for like 2 hours last nite , until i fell asleep .
i feel guilty alot of the time bc my mom always tells me to pray to god every night before i go to bed and thank him for his blessings and to pray for what i need his help with .
and i do pray most of the time , especially if im having a bad day or night .
but sometimes i admit i do forget .
last night i just idk felt like maybe reading the bible might help settle myself a little bit and amazingly enough i read enough to make me think about something i battle with almost daily .
and that would be doubt and faith .
to doubt would mean im indecisive and im very indecisive , depending on what it is .
i usually just say it dont matter or whatever so i never have to choose but thats wrong .
i fuck up bc i have faith in something then i start to doubt ,
for example me and james as our relationship stands .
but its not that i dont trust him to not have faith in him .
but im scared to have so much faith that something might happen and ssnatch it away.
its happened before & im scared to see it happen again .
he knows this and he asked me to have faith in him .
to believe in him and what hes trying to do .
and i do , but after so much time passes i get insecure like idk
and i shouldnt but i do . so then doubt staarts settling smh .
i just need to spend time with him to feel that lovee and support i need right now .
im supposed to spend my winterbreak wiith him if everything goes right but that isnt until the semesters over and thats not til december 17 . blaaah . lol
i just wanna hold him and kiss him .
i wanna feel his touch . that would make me happy.
and i really think it would solve alot of our stresses we have .
but times not moving fast enough for me and time be fuckin shit up .
time can either pull us apart or make our hearts grow fond enough to miss each other .
i hope he misses me the way i miss hiim . . .
sometimes i dnt mind that were having this big non communication gap bc i feel like this is his time to get on top of what he needs to do and i respect that .
i feel like he gets to see how life is different without me .
not by much , but enough to notice .
bc everytime i think about him i get sad bc im reminded how muchh i miss his ass lol .
my intuition is giving me one of those feelings something isnt right but idk if im right or wrong .
i kinda have to stand neutral bc i dont wanna stress , but i dont wanna overreact .
i dont wanna think everythings all good and its not and i dnt wanna think everythings all bad and it isnt .
lol , i guess i just think too much .
all i can do is pray at this point that god at leeeast lets me make it to december to fix our relationship the way it needs to be fixed .
to see whether this will really be long term or somethings gonna happen .
i know im all in . ill ride & die for this relationship . . .
i just wanna know he feels tha same way .