clutter .

i have so much on my mind right now , i can't sleep .
i have to wake up in 5 hours and time is ticking away .
i haven't tlkd to him for 2 days , and that's my fault for ending our
last convo cus i forgot my mom had free nights and weekends and for some
reason it slipped my mind it was fucking s a t u r d a y !!
smh , i cursed myself tha rest of tha night for tht mistake.
i miss him .
he promised to call bck after 9 like i asked and didn't .
that only makes me wonder . . .
he doesn't break promises .
but idk .
he's not putting minutes on tha phone nt bc he cant but bc he's enjoying
tha anonymity , his freedom .
its stressful and irritating to me but hey
who am i to keep tabs on my ex bf / future husband ?
i hate when i get into these states bc insecurities creep back in .
im scared to get too comfortable with believing im his only girl , (
even tho i know he tlks to other females just nt serious ) bc that's how
u get your pride shut down when yu find out your not .
but at tha same time i feel like im wrong for doubting him esp after
he's asked me to marry him .
i know he was serious but im scared to put both hands on it and run with
it .
whenever i want something really bad , it always fails .
so i dnt wanna attach to this too much and ruin it .
last month was the worst month of my life .
so much pain and heartbreak .
i guess that was a love tester ?
see how strong our relationship is .
I've never known him to be a liar and that's good .
but im finding it harder for myself to be a believer of things im told
.
i hate to doubt something that could mean something to me .
and especially to doubt anything coming from someone i love and respect
as much as i do james .
but i feel like im still battling this demon of heartbreak .
its not tht i can't move on frm tha past but that im nt completely
healed and probably wont be til i get to lay in his arms and just talk
about it .
i can still feel how i felt all those days my heart cracked a little
more and more while we were having this love triangle thing .
how could i love him so much and him say he did then lose tht love while
he fell in love with someone else?
if i say he loved her now he denies it and says he was in lust of her .
which is believable bc she was really pretty .
but
how could u mistake lust for love .
why say you love someone if yu don't mean it .
i can't define the defintion for love for anybody , the only definition
i have is my own .
how i feel while im in love is how i assume people feel when they say it
or i see it or hear about it .
i can only assume he loves me the way i love him .
and its funny cus we argue over who loves who the most and its cute cus
how many people do u know tht does tht? most a the time it'll be like "i
love you more" and the other person a be like "ok " lol .
he tries to convince me he loves me more but i can't picture it .
and im not saying he doesn't .
bc i know he really loves my ass . but i just know my love is forreal .
i KNOW i would never give up on our love .
i KNOW i wanna have a family and marry him .
i KNOW I've never loved someone this much in my life
- nope ,, not even zahkeem .
i KNOW i could die for him and die peacefully with tht decision .
i don't wanna sound infatuated . but im in this love shit head deep .
i dnt know how to pull out and its making this dangerous .
and not for us , but for me .
im putting my heart on the line again .
even after its been hurt . and i know i shoulve taken it back but i want
him to keep it . i want him to prove me wrong .
because i don't care if a thousand girls stood up to me and said they
loved him more than i do .
because i would laugh in their face . i swear on my life, nooobody loves
him more than me except maybe his mom or sister or a family member to
tht extent .
its been a year and exactly 2 months today that he's been a part of my
life .
i don't plan on taking him out of it or letting him go .
unless that's what he wanted .
im still growing . im still healing .
but i praaaay to god everynight things will get better for everybody .
bc i know he's what i need to live a happier life .
he's the man i love and i can't change that .
i don't regret it and i don't wish it was anybody else .
god brought him into my life for a reason but idk if this is a reason or
a lesson .
but I've come to realize maybe he's both .
bc when i was in pain , he was a lesson in love .
but when im happy , he's my reason for living .
im nervous that all this space apart could be ruining us .
but idk .
maybe its what we need .
the thing i hate most about this love / life thing is everything is
unpredictable .
im scared to be happy cus im scared to be hurt .
but i get hurt regardless , so i stay sad so it doesn't hurt so bad .the
truth really hurts . that's a fact .
&& ignorance is indeed bliss .
but id rather have the truth than lies bc we can't progress in falseness
.
all i wanna do is grow with him and love him unconditionally .
& you can't take that away from me .