untitled .

im just in one of those late night blogging moods . i thought everything
would change when i got my 2nd check for spring semester . i was gonna
buy me a new laptop , connect myself back to the world , live a little
easier . but since my check was a lot less than the last one (about
half) i don't get to indulge in some of the pleasures i wanted to .
i feel disconnected from the world . from life . im like a robot , i
wake up 5 days a week , go to skool , do skool shit , come home do more
skool shit , shower and repeat process . i have no life . i have no
friends . i have no boyfriend . im miserable but i have no choice bt to
continue living . smh . i haven't been able to bring myself to blog for
weeks now , i couldn't express myself . I ! ME ! ANGELICA couldn't
express herself ! how odd is that . that's all im good for is typing my
life away on my blog like a personal diary . i feel absent . ghostly . i
wannna believe im okay , but i know im not . i say i dnt care that i
don't have friends but its lonely now with no bf . i miss having friends
and im unsatisfied with what i do have . it saddens me that when i go
down my phonebook and buddylist i don't really wanna talk to anyone . i
wish friends were easy to come by and make like they were in elementary
, jr high , even high school . where do you find new friends at 21 ? i
don't even see anyone at my school i could see myself being good friends
with much less hanging out with . everyone already has their friends , i
have myself . i want new friends and idk how to find the friends i want
. real friends don't exist anymore . shit , real people don't . . .im
struggling with this broken relationship . you know its funny bc on
formspring the only question that i was asked was why do i obsess over
my bf . and i really felt offended . i got defensive . i don't think i
obsess but i guess i could see how you guys would think that . i haven't
had many relationships , if any at all . and the only thing I've ever
wanted since i was little was a real relationship , a real bf , a happy
relationship . and i guess when i got all that that's all i could focus
on . my relationship was and still is impt to me for reasons i don't
have to explain to anyone . we been through everything and i still love
him , but i guess its that time to let it go , if it comes back then
yaddi yaddi yadda . im embarrassed that i put so much of myself on blast
and to now be so broken like this . my blog was supposed to be my place
to express myself w. no judgement . no one to make me feel guilty or bad
, just understanding . and somehow with all the people that i know that
reads it i don't feel as comfortable as i used to , i feel like im being
judged now . i feel like people are shaking their heads at me . and i
could care less bc its my life and i dnt regret anything but im not
walking tall like i want to . shit to be honest i don't even feel like
anyone reads my posts anymore . i used to be happy when i got 6 and 7
comments now i don't get any . i feel pitied . im waiting . waiting for
my life to change , waiting for me to be able to say im happy . waiting
. . .so far im still the sad depressed girl I've been my whole life and
now im even more broken than i was before . i have my days when i know
its the way it has to be and im ok with it . then there's nights like
these when i miss everything about having a relationship . i miss him .
i miss the peace he gives me . i miss the comfort he brings me when he
says im gonna be alright . he told me im gonna be alright . i just wish
i could be alright , bc im not . and the funny thing is i told him he
was gonna be alright and i know he isn't either . im 21 and im lost .
idk where my career is going bc idk how to organize my schooling . i
have no job , no income . nobody . i feel like im too old for this . i
should be graduating college and starting a life . i regret taking so
long to go to skool . i regret changing my career i wanna do so
manytimes . i don't wanna be 30 when i finally startmy career . i don't
wanna be 30 when i finally settle down and start a family . 30 isn't old
but im 21 and i feel old , i can only imagine what 30 will be like . im
hoping that i can get myself together and finish school and everything
else will follow . i feel like i need help . i need help . ugh . i need
therapy .