patience is a virtue...

that i jst don't possess anymore. I've been patient for so long over so
many things im jst anxious all the time, and waiting for things makes me
agitated. at this point right now in my life i feel as though im a hop,
skip, and jump away from losing my mind. I've been patient, I've been
praying, I've been hopeful, I've tried to stay strong..and I've even
made some changes yet somehow i don't feel like I've completed all the
changes i need to make. i feel lost and alone, uncared about, unloved,
jst deserted to say the least. maybe i sabotaged myself by always
building up walls around myself for time to jst figure things out alone
bt now when i need people to be there so that i can jst be happy and try
to enjoy life and not focus on the negatives, no ones present. i don't
have any friends..i do but nt the kind of friends i want..not like hs
friends..you know those ppl tht were always there no matter what..when
you were inseperable, that's non existant now. i dnt think i have a
bestfriend. my ex was my bestfriend and that's possibly one of the
biggest mistakes I think i ever made and im learning that the hard way.
i think our relationship sustained so many damages it might nt be able
to be salvaged the way i wanted...and im slightly devasted by this bc i
tried so hard over the past month to accept the way things are and push
myfeelings to the side and realize i deserve better and someone who
wants to be w. me so that i could stop interfering w. his happiness and
relationship and focus on my own..nonetheless our "we tell each other
everything" relationship is obsolete . he doesn't tlk to me about his
relationship bc he says he doesn't feel comfortable and i guess thts
understandable considering me and his gf dnt have the greatest history
bt tht doesn't mean i dnt care or wanna listen if he needed that..he
doesn't really tlk to me about anything anymore...it jst hurts knowing
he's keeping his life from me now. our convos dnt feel the same and he
told me dnt trip it jst takes time bt i dnt think i have anymore time to
give. sometimes i think id rather jst let the relationship go
period...and it pisses me off bc everytime i tell myself i am and we go
a few days w.out talking he never fails to hmu and instead of jst
ignoring him i eat it up and we go back to laughing and talking. i can't
even call him my bestf anymore, i jst don't feel close anymore and i cnt
help bt wonder if its bc of the sht i put us through these last few
months not being able to let go or jst him pulling back bc he knows if
we keep our relationship the same its gonna result in flirting and back
into the same retarded circle we've been around a billion times. its
hard for me to let go of this friendship though, i feel like if i let it
go i wont have anybody left that really cares about me bt tht doesn't
really matter bc he's not around much lately anyways...i know he has his
own life&issues and he can't always be my pillow but he's jst that
person thts always been there for so long. i know i can stand alone bt i
jst don't wanna always BE alone. i don't wanna lose everything weve
built, all the history..no one knows me more or better than him.. ugh,
im trying nt to cry bt im jst so upset. i know that everything in life
changes and im okay with that bt this is one of those things i never
thought i lose. i lost our love and relationship but the friendship
too??! im jst overwhelmed. and i dnt really wanna complain to him about
it bc to me it jst comes off as something else im unsatisfied with to
annoy him as if i haven't complained enough over the last half a year :(
i know id be okay if i jst had someone else in my life to keep me
occupied..someone to give me those extra smiles bt i don't and it makes
things so much harder than i want. im tired of talking about the same
ass shit . i jst want things to go right. i don't wanna lose his
friendship bt the way things are going i think i have to face the fact i
might..even worse, i may lose the most cherished friendship and last
bestfriend i may possibly have .

new day...same me. --just wiser.

i took a break from blogging, people in my life, sociaizing, basically
jst shut myself away from the world..partly by choice and partly bc i
don't have anyone left. this time has been both enlightening and
emotionally frustrating. I've took the time to get to know Myself better
mentally, physically, spiritually, and I've attempted multiple times
emotionally yet i haven't completely conquered it. im close tho! i think
i moreso avoid it at this point. I've confronted the reality of things
so many times and although the pain gets weaker it never goes away...my
heart still makes tht funny feeling between racing and skipping beats
when i think of him, its crazy. exhausting. I've jst convinced myself i
can't do it anymore. i can't allow myself to care, to feel, to love
anymore bc i can't force myself to stop and freely letting myself do it
has the same effects. holding on feels almost as bad as letting go.

for the most part im happy. im not where i wanna be yet but i know im on
my way..they say life is about learning what and what not to do and
that's basically all I've gone over about a bazillion times in my mind.
all the things i did/didn't do. all the things he did/didn't do. all the
things tht could've been/used to be that aren't. the things i want and
the things that are. but you know i can spend minutes,hrs, days, weeks,
and months going over it but i can't go back in time. this is what it is
and something that i can't and never could control, accepting that is my
biggest hurdle. i don't want to feel the pain but i resort back to open
sores bc they never become scars. and i blame no one but myself...my
heart makes things so much more difficult than they need to be. i can
tell myself a millionnnn times let it go. let it go. let it go. move on,
be happy. he's happy, he wants yu to be happy. it jst wasn't meant to
be. ect. ect. ect. BUT my heart jst wont accept it. and I've taken the
time to try to understand why and the only thing i can come up with is
that i can't accept that i genuinely trusted and believed someone (that
never lied to me) and how fast everything that was once truth became
lies when love wasnt in the same place anymore....it feels like it
happened so fast bt it changed over months and i think of how i helped
to sabotage myself bt none of tht even matters. im not mad anymore bt i
know im still hurt bc whenever we talk i end up going back to something
we've already discussed. i don't mean to but emotions are
uncontrollable...i really regret a lot of things over these past few
months. things I've allowed myself to do. to accept. looking back on how
i let insecurities interfere and eat away at something that meant the
world to me. i don't regret our relationship. i just miss what we had.
the chemistry still exists, the situation jst isn't the same. so many
mistakes, pain, resentment and misunderstandings have buried what used
to exist and i feel like all the reasons we fell in love got lost. we
both agreed we wanted to start over jst forget everything and start our
friendship over and it worked for about 3days mutual feelings were
coming back then i let myself ruin that bc it wasn't the right time
...we can't start over and forget everything in the middle of something
that isn't finished. ill never understand how deep my love runs..he
probably wont either. ill never understand why im still in love..why i
can't let go, but I've jst accepted it and now I've settled w. avoiding
it bc idk how else to deal w. it. i jst hope that one day i can look
back on all of this and know it was for the best. maybe things will get
better, maybe they wont. but i wont try to force love to leave where its
been living. if it wont leave on its own then maybe that means its where
its supposed to be...it'll jst stay dormant until someone comes along
and wakes it back up.

be be soon !

I've come to the conclusion that i can never write enough or update you
all enough for ppl to just idk, understand i guess. i know people are
gonna have their own opinions or judgements bc that's what ppl do, and
I've put enough of my life out there to be given opinions about
nonetheless I've never cared much for opinions or judgements bc no one
knows exactly what i feel or what i been/go thru. its been a hell of a
rollercoaster ride bt i cnt even update you guys on what's been going on
this past week. but i can say that im happy. i can say that i don't hurt
. i can say tht me and james have had plenty of long talks and have
agreed to start over. not in a relationship as in being together bt just
being able to love each other enough to be able to forgive and move
forward. im content with this so i dnt need anyone to shit on my shine .
im the only person in the relationship tht knows 100 percent of
everything thts happened. i share a lot bt i cnt share everything bc its
entirely too much to share . he's not a bad person, never has been. jst
young and growing and thts something I've always known and respected. im
still young and growing myself. but i jst feel like i need to take a
break on blogging jst to pull my life together and see things in a
different light. ill still post sparatically:) and im still reading my
fav blogs!! so ill be around :) i love you guys , ttyw.