Ill never...

Have answers. Never understand. Never comprehend. Never want. Never need. Never love...like that again.

Its been months, weeks, days...and when i think about him, See him loving someonee else...tears still fall, i still feel pain. I cnt understnd how i gave away so much of myself that its taking me this long to gt me all back. Why do i still care? Why does love still swim in my soul? Ive let it go but then i have these moments whn i know i havent. I know theres no future. No hope. I stopped trying months.ago...but i still carry it with me. We dnt even tlk everyday anymore..eventually we prlly wont be in each others lives but i still live with the pain from a broken heart....and the worst part is i dnt even hate him. I have the tendancy to always blame things on myself..Nd idk why..he hates when i do it..i look at it like maybe if i had done this diff or did tht better...when the reality of it is i did nothing wrong, i gave my all... we jst werent meant to be together. It shouldnt be this hard to come to terms with that. But it is. How i let myself be so naiive to believe everything would really last forever. Forever is not realistic but i expected so much more frm our relationship thn i got. Idk why i feel like every girl he loves after me, he loves more than he did me. I gave too much of myself. I get a piece back everyday bt i wish it didnt take so long... i just want that feeling of love back...tht happiness. Tht feeling of someone complimenting my soul. I lost everything with my heart nd after this pain, i hope with time i get everything back.

Goodbye and Hello.

Sooo, its getting close to the end of 2010 and gotdamn if this wasnt the longest most dramatic year of my life! So much happened..so many things changed..so many ppl i lost. On the bright side im proud to say ive grown...i broke myself down to nothing and pulled myself bck together. Im not complete tho lol, im still a wreck. I still relapse, im still unsure of wht i want but i know what i dont. I dont know what i need but i know what i deserve and thts nuthing LESS than what makes me happy. If its not keeping me happy or at least content im nt dealing with it. For what? Its a waste of time and that i have no more to waste...im on a mission to find greatness..i just havent figured out how. Im unsatisfied with my job so im looking for a new one...all i want is to go bck to school and finish so i can start a career nd be settled with life. Fuck love...i figure that comes later, if at all. Yea, someones gonna love me cus im easy to love..but am i gonna love thm bck is the question. Its a million niggas in the world yet its like findin a needle in a haystack findin someone i actually like, thats actually worth my time. I found a potential husband...bt there was two prbs: one-he lives in the bay. And two-i sexed him bc i didnt kno when i was gonna find another person i liked enough to sex cus we all kno celibacy is not an issue over here lol. I ruined that so oh well bt it was hope tht their are potential men out there... the present guy im tlkn to is abt to be let go bc he doesnt hld my attn, hes boring, and he doesnt tlk enough lol. Sorrrry bt i can tlk, i like to tlk i need to be able to converse abt stupid sht nd intellectual sht alike. If u cnt hld my attn, yu cnt hold my interest. Once my interest is gone, so are yu cus i dnt want you lol. Simple as that. I dont care at this point, come january ill be single for a year. I could gaf about being a gf, im nt investing my time, effort, mind, body, love, ect into anything less than wht i want and deserve. In the meantime ill be finding and satisfying myself, growing one day at a time.