september 30th.

you get filled up w. emotion and you jst wanna go off, or cry, or w.e
makes yu feel better after yu release it....me i confronted you about
how i felt. i cried so i have to let you know wht yu did tht pushed me
to tears....only after i jst expressed myself i feel like i jst wasted
my time..your time. i feel empty. i dnt feel cared about. i don't feel
loved. its like im set up on a one way track for heartbreak no matter
what. expressing myself used to make me feel better bt i dnt feel
understood. i talked for 20mins and i don't think you listened to
anything. you heard me bt i dnt think it made a difference. i guess i
just didn't find the love i thought i did. i dnt understand it. i keep
giving bt i dnt think your giving anymore...i feel like if i keep giving
maybe youll realize one day, damn she never stps loving me. this is one
n a million. bt you have realized it, im jst not the girl you want. that
should make you not the boy i want. i kind of dont. bt then i think abt
the love we had and i think why give up on that? HA. key word: had. im
giving up on love bc its nt bringing me happiness anymore. i wanna hate
you sometimes, and for split seconds i do. i can think of all the times
you loved me. said you loved me, showed me you loved me. then i can feel
all the times you hurt me. all the tears I've cried could probably fill
the sky. yet, i still love you. unconditionally. your nt a liar bt all
the promises youve made that you didn't keep are lies. well, broken
promises. and broken promises are truths that become lies. i still
believe in you. you jst dnt believe in us. we want each other to jst be
happy....isn't it funny how neither of us can find that? remember when
we used to be happy? those were the days...gone. i guess we have to keep
trying...im nt settling for unhappiness, im nt emotionally built for
depression, it takes me to places i dnt need to be. i hope you find
yours. and i hope you stop putting other ppls happiness before yours. i
stopped. bc i realized while i kept putting yours before mines. you were
putting hers before yours...which leaves no one to put me before theirs.
if im loving you, and your loving her, who's loving me? lol. im over it.
im over niggas. im over putting your all into someone else. im over
love. maybe it wasn't meant for me.

release some tension.

i feel like im about to explode. im so filled w. emotions and questions
and jst everything i jst feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i dnt know
if i wanna yell, laugh, cry, say fk it all! hold on, move on, try again
i jst dnt know. i can sit here and express to you how i feel and why i
feel the way i feel bt i can't make a choice on wht to do and follow
through w. it. my emotions will be the death of me. and love is the best
and worst thing i ever found. best, bc I've never felt anything tht
could pt me on tht natural high where nothing else matters and all yu
wanna do is love and laugh and be happy for the rest of your life.
worst, bc life is a triflin btch and never lets things go how you want
so you have to suffer and struggle w. everything. today i asked myself
how much can a ♥ take? bt i guess its more than jst a physical trait
that your ♥ is the strongest muscle in your body cus it endures a fkn
lot. I've put my ♥ through a lot and it still plays the same beat for
the same nigga and skips the same beats when i get tht giddy love
feeling...no matter how many times its been hurt....im hopeless. its
like I've been hurt bt im alwaaaysss tlkin abt or thinkin abt love and
how to conquer it the way its suppose to be. but idk how its really
supposed to be. one thing i have noticed is tht love is imperfect.
people think they find love in perfection..and even though love can
cause an illusion of perfection (blindness). true love is seeing
everything for wht its really worth and either loving it regardless or
walking away bc you love yourself more. i think i shoulda walked away
awhile ago bt i cnt. everytime i try it comes back again. and I've
pondered why...maybe im weak, maybe i dnt love myself enough to know
better....or maybe i jst really love what i love. i can't really
complain abt the downs anymore bc i put up w. everything. im nt forced
to be in any situation, i choose to be. bt fk it never gets easier. idk
WHYYYY THA FUCK i still think if i keep trying things will eventually
come true like a fkn fairytale when really i get slapped in the face by
reality every other day smh. foolish......funny part is i only wanna
walk away bc i know in the back of my head things wont go back to how
they used to be...if things turned around and i believed things would
and he showed me, id be a down ass btch for continuing the relationship
we've built. call me stupid, w.e. ill learn the long, painful hard way.
ive broken. I've hit rock bottom. I've been absent. but im still
here.....if only niggas could find a female as loving and loyal as
me...better yet, if only i could find someone that actually wants to be
loved and dedicated to only me....things would be perfect.

once upon a time..

i feel like i had it all.
bt maybe i didn't really have anything at all.
i don't know why i let the same things upset me.
let my feelings get hurt.
let my love be taken advantage of...
im fed up all the way up to the point when he puts a smile on my face
again..
how easily influenced i am..silly of me.
i cnt figure out how long or much i have to hurt until i give up
trying.
i dnt really know what im trying for.
its not a relationship bc i know that's unrealistic.
i dnt know why i still expect the same loyalty and dedication...
the same love, when i already know THAT love no longer exists.
why i can put all this into perspective and put it into words bt still
deal w. it is beyond me.
maybe i am stupid. foolish. love is blind bt i see everything and im
still blinded by something...
why i cnt love myself enough to know when its time to let go...i dnt fkn
know. idk what im holding on to. im making up excuses for my reasons.
its the truth tht he is mybest and damn near only friend. its the truth
tht if he's nt in my life im by myself. bt i guess that's only my fault
for letting him be the only person to surround me.
i can't be desperate for love...other ppl love and can love me. bt he's
the only person that lets it be known...sometimes..
the hardest thing to acknowledge is that even though his love for me
still exists...its not the love he gave me when i fell in love. he
wouldnt put me first anymore if he had to choose and that drives me
crazy. i refuse to be 2nd to anyone besides a mother or child. and in my
mind i guess i keep fighting to try to stay prominent when i know im not
the alpha anymore.
i guess the day i let go will be the day i dnt want his love anymore...
that'll probably be the same day i find someone who loves me better.

too little, too late.

i miss blogging bt sometimes i feel like expressing how i feel serves no
purpose cus im still dealing w. the same shit i have been since damn
near a year ago. im over it, bt at the same time part of me isn't. i
don't know what im feeling anymore..i used to call it love bt i have
doubts now, i don't believe in it...i have no hope for it. what do yu
call tht? the fact that the greatest thing i ever felt is now slowly
depleting in front of me is..i dnt even know what to call it. im sad,
hurt, disappointed..bt im at this breaking point where i dnt even care
cus i expect it. I've put so much into the relationship tht it is and is
not that i jst have nothing left to give. i really dnt know why im still
giving when its nt even a relationship and i guess that's where i set
myself up for failure. why i expect him to care or even understand is
expecting too much bc i alreadyy know he's in love w. someone else and
wants to be w. them bt i keep lying to myself and telling my heart he's
gonna come back to me....one day. why i keep thinking one day will be
anyday near i have no idea. i set myself up for disappointment. i don't
even blame anyone else for my heartbreak these days bc i mostly set
myself up for it. I've went from relationship to relationship for so
long tht i dnt even know how to deal w. heartbreak and letting myself
heal smh. i usually find someone else i really like and let them
distract me frm the pain until i dnt feel it anymore...bt this time i
dnt have that. its not working this time. i haven't found tht person
that's gonna help me get over my first real love and its driving me
crazy bc i dnt know how to let go. i did tho, for about 2 weeks i was
good! then i relapsed..i wanna keep the friendship bt i wanna leave the
emotion...how do yu detach emotion from a 2 year long
friendship/relationship?? is that even possible? why i continue to let
him suck me back in w. nights full of laughter and love is beyond me. i
guess i jst miss being wanted...being loved by someone. bt i dnt want it
under these conditions. i want love back, that ride or die, i cnt be too
long away from you, i think abt yu before i sleep and when i open my
eyes, i wanna spend the rest of my life w. you LOVE. how i once thought
i had that then it vanished into thin air...i still dnt understand. the
dynamics of emotions and love i cnt fully interpret bc I've only
experienced how i love and what i feel..i guess seeing tht someone can
be in love w. you then fall out jst as fast is amazing and unbelieveable
to me all at the same time. i wish i could go hard on love and be like
FK LOVE! i don't want it, i don't need it! bt id be lying. i can't lie
to my heart even tho it lies to me everyday. i know its time to let go
again...let it ride. bt i have to figure out what it is that im holding
on to...cus i could probably do without it .