too little, too late.

i miss blogging bt sometimes i feel like expressing how i feel serves no
purpose cus im still dealing w. the same shit i have been since damn
near a year ago. im over it, bt at the same time part of me isn't. i
don't know what im feeling anymore..i used to call it love bt i have
doubts now, i don't believe in it...i have no hope for it. what do yu
call tht? the fact that the greatest thing i ever felt is now slowly
depleting in front of me is..i dnt even know what to call it. im sad,
hurt, disappointed..bt im at this breaking point where i dnt even care
cus i expect it. I've put so much into the relationship tht it is and is
not that i jst have nothing left to give. i really dnt know why im still
giving when its nt even a relationship and i guess that's where i set
myself up for failure. why i expect him to care or even understand is
expecting too much bc i alreadyy know he's in love w. someone else and
wants to be w. them bt i keep lying to myself and telling my heart he's
gonna come back to me....one day. why i keep thinking one day will be
anyday near i have no idea. i set myself up for disappointment. i don't
even blame anyone else for my heartbreak these days bc i mostly set
myself up for it. I've went from relationship to relationship for so
long tht i dnt even know how to deal w. heartbreak and letting myself
heal smh. i usually find someone else i really like and let them
distract me frm the pain until i dnt feel it anymore...bt this time i
dnt have that. its not working this time. i haven't found tht person
that's gonna help me get over my first real love and its driving me
crazy bc i dnt know how to let go. i did tho, for about 2 weeks i was
good! then i relapsed..i wanna keep the friendship bt i wanna leave the
emotion...how do yu detach emotion from a 2 year long
friendship/relationship?? is that even possible? why i continue to let
him suck me back in w. nights full of laughter and love is beyond me. i
guess i jst miss being wanted...being loved by someone. bt i dnt want it
under these conditions. i want love back, that ride or die, i cnt be too
long away from you, i think abt yu before i sleep and when i open my
eyes, i wanna spend the rest of my life w. you LOVE. how i once thought
i had that then it vanished into thin air...i still dnt understand. the
dynamics of emotions and love i cnt fully interpret bc I've only
experienced how i love and what i feel..i guess seeing tht someone can
be in love w. you then fall out jst as fast is amazing and unbelieveable
to me all at the same time. i wish i could go hard on love and be like
FK LOVE! i don't want it, i don't need it! bt id be lying. i can't lie
to my heart even tho it lies to me everyday. i know its time to let go
again...let it ride. bt i have to figure out what it is that im holding
on to...cus i could probably do without it .