once upon a time..

i feel like i had it all.
bt maybe i didn't really have anything at all.
i don't know why i let the same things upset me.
let my feelings get hurt.
let my love be taken advantage of...
im fed up all the way up to the point when he puts a smile on my face
again..
how easily influenced i am..silly of me.
i cnt figure out how long or much i have to hurt until i give up
trying.
i dnt really know what im trying for.
its not a relationship bc i know that's unrealistic.
i dnt know why i still expect the same loyalty and dedication...
the same love, when i already know THAT love no longer exists.
why i can put all this into perspective and put it into words bt still
deal w. it is beyond me.
maybe i am stupid. foolish. love is blind bt i see everything and im
still blinded by something...
why i cnt love myself enough to know when its time to let go...i dnt fkn
know. idk what im holding on to. im making up excuses for my reasons.
its the truth tht he is mybest and damn near only friend. its the truth
tht if he's nt in my life im by myself. bt i guess that's only my fault
for letting him be the only person to surround me.
i can't be desperate for love...other ppl love and can love me. bt he's
the only person that lets it be known...sometimes..
the hardest thing to acknowledge is that even though his love for me
still exists...its not the love he gave me when i fell in love. he
wouldnt put me first anymore if he had to choose and that drives me
crazy. i refuse to be 2nd to anyone besides a mother or child. and in my
mind i guess i keep fighting to try to stay prominent when i know im not
the alpha anymore.
i guess the day i let go will be the day i dnt want his love anymore...
that'll probably be the same day i find someone who loves me better.