patience is a virtue...

that i jst don't possess anymore. I've been patient for so long over so
many things im jst anxious all the time, and waiting for things makes me
agitated. at this point right now in my life i feel as though im a hop,
skip, and jump away from losing my mind. I've been patient, I've been
praying, I've been hopeful, I've tried to stay strong..and I've even
made some changes yet somehow i don't feel like I've completed all the
changes i need to make. i feel lost and alone, uncared about, unloved,
jst deserted to say the least. maybe i sabotaged myself by always
building up walls around myself for time to jst figure things out alone
bt now when i need people to be there so that i can jst be happy and try
to enjoy life and not focus on the negatives, no ones present. i don't
have any friends..i do but nt the kind of friends i want..not like hs
friends..you know those ppl tht were always there no matter what..when
you were inseperable, that's non existant now. i dnt think i have a
bestfriend. my ex was my bestfriend and that's possibly one of the
biggest mistakes I think i ever made and im learning that the hard way.
i think our relationship sustained so many damages it might nt be able
to be salvaged the way i wanted...and im slightly devasted by this bc i
tried so hard over the past month to accept the way things are and push
myfeelings to the side and realize i deserve better and someone who
wants to be w. me so that i could stop interfering w. his happiness and
relationship and focus on my own..nonetheless our "we tell each other
everything" relationship is obsolete . he doesn't tlk to me about his
relationship bc he says he doesn't feel comfortable and i guess thts
understandable considering me and his gf dnt have the greatest history
bt tht doesn't mean i dnt care or wanna listen if he needed that..he
doesn't really tlk to me about anything anymore...it jst hurts knowing
he's keeping his life from me now. our convos dnt feel the same and he
told me dnt trip it jst takes time bt i dnt think i have anymore time to
give. sometimes i think id rather jst let the relationship go
period...and it pisses me off bc everytime i tell myself i am and we go
a few days w.out talking he never fails to hmu and instead of jst
ignoring him i eat it up and we go back to laughing and talking. i can't
even call him my bestf anymore, i jst don't feel close anymore and i cnt
help bt wonder if its bc of the sht i put us through these last few
months not being able to let go or jst him pulling back bc he knows if
we keep our relationship the same its gonna result in flirting and back
into the same retarded circle we've been around a billion times. its
hard for me to let go of this friendship though, i feel like if i let it
go i wont have anybody left that really cares about me bt tht doesn't
really matter bc he's not around much lately anyways...i know he has his
own life&issues and he can't always be my pillow but he's jst that
person thts always been there for so long. i know i can stand alone bt i
jst don't wanna always BE alone. i don't wanna lose everything weve
built, all the history..no one knows me more or better than him.. ugh,
im trying nt to cry bt im jst so upset. i know that everything in life
changes and im okay with that bt this is one of those things i never
thought i lose. i lost our love and relationship but the friendship
too??! im jst overwhelmed. and i dnt really wanna complain to him about
it bc to me it jst comes off as something else im unsatisfied with to
annoy him as if i haven't complained enough over the last half a year :(
i know id be okay if i jst had someone else in my life to keep me
occupied..someone to give me those extra smiles bt i don't and it makes
things so much harder than i want. im tired of talking about the same
ass shit . i jst want things to go right. i don't wanna lose his
friendship bt the way things are going i think i have to face the fact i
might..even worse, i may lose the most cherished friendship and last
bestfriend i may possibly have .