lost.

I'm always lost...sometimes I feel found bt that feeling never lasts too long. I feel like I'm too smart to go through the sht I put myself through. But I doubt that bc I'm constantly confused. I don't understand life. I don't think I really respect life. Maybe I jst don't know how to make life work for me... Or maybe I jst can't accept tht life is predestined nd I need to jst let shit happen nd let it go rather than being upset and trying to make it change. I have nobdy right now. My best....friend . Is gone. He said we shouldn't talk bc I need time to heal bc my feelins for him affect the friendship...I hate to agree he's right. I never wanted to let go after we broke up bc I was afraid I'd lose him...lose his love. But holding on caused the same thing. I can be upset tht he broke my heart the rest of my life bt like he said..he was 19. I never really thought of it like that. The only perspective I seen was we loved each other and it was supposed to be real.. But the fact our relationship didn't last doesn't mean the love was fake...it jst wasn't meant to be. Now 2yrs later I'm having a harder time not having a friend bc he's been my closest friend and the only person I tlk to damn near everyday. Maybe I became too dependent. But I refuse to regret everything and say it was all a mistake. The fact tht I know all of this makes me think I'm ready to jst be his friend bt I know he won't believe me. Its only been 2days. 2days of a lot of thinking. A lot of avoiding. At this point its get my friend back or be bitter. And I really want my friend back. I dnt know why my heart refuses to let go of the emotions. I wish I could go bck to nt givin af cus at some point I didn't. Bt sometimes they jst come back. I cnt help it. I think I jst like knowng someones there for me. I need love right now in my life and I dnt have it..I dnt feel it. And I dnt even mean romantic love...I jst want to know someone cares abt me...wants me around. Someone to jst tlk to. I feel like at this point ima have to hire a therapist to listen to the sht I have to say...or I could keep blogging bt this doesn't really give me any answers. Shit a therapist might nt either...I jst feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck btwn living nd giving up. Letting go and holding on. Looking and letting happen. Caring and nt caring. Crying and nt crying. I'm jst lost And confused and exhausted. I jst lay in bed sometimes nd cry jst bc idk anything and I'm unhappy. And I wanna be happy so bad! And I can be happy....bt when I'm all alone nd there's nothing, I remember All the things I dnt have. My whole world falls apart. I wish I had a bby to give my all to bt I know I couldn't take care of one by myself...even tho bbys are a 2person effort. I really jst want something to put my love into besides myself. I have soo much love to give nd it eats me up inside tht I have no one to give it to or no one tht even wants it for tht matter....I had sex on halloween jst for the affection. I jst wanted somebdy to hold me nd feel wanted...I jst felt at ease in someones arms...even if it was jst for the nite. It makes me sad tht thts wht it is...I dnt wanna be one of those girls lookin for love in all the wrong places. Its easy for ppl to say I dnt need it bt when did ppl stp needing affection? That's all I really want. To feel love from somewhere, even if its jst a conversation. And now I have no one to give me that...not even my bestfriend who I love more than anybody and was the last person to ever really love me. I really hope my emotions subside bc idk how long ill last without him there...I dnt wanna stress him or lose him...I jst dnt want him to give up on me bc I really need his love nd friendship...
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