revelation ..

i dnt even know where to start. me and james are done. like done done.
he finally told me he's nt in love w. me anymore :-/ and as much as it
hurt me to hear it, i kinda already knew that. i guess a womans
intuition is never wrong. i went through my sadness bt i didn't cry,
there's no point in being upset about something you can't control. we
both contributed to it but to me ill always feel like if i didn't always
try to make him stay by telling him ineeded him to live, and i was
gonna hurt myself when i thought he was gonna leave...i wouldnt have
scared him away. i can't say i lied bc i did feel like i wanted to die
when i felt he was gonna leave bc he means so much to me, bt i guess
that's being melodramatic bc i knew i could live w/o him...thing is i
was jst afraid to lose him. i lost him anyways so i guess icant start
with the shoulda, coulda, woulda's now that its over. i wish i knew that
i jst lost him bc i lost him and i didn't kno there was another girl he
loved in the equation that helped make it easier. i shoulda walked along
time ago so ill blame that on myself.

I've been thinking so much these past few days and im okay. i jst need
to stay strong and move forward, im only 21...i kno id rather give up
then keep pushing sometimes bt that's jst the devil fkn wit me. i have
to keep pushing cus i know there's something better. i told james i
hated him....but i don't, that was jst the only word i could think of
that could describe how much pain i felt. i haven't cried but writing
about this is making my eyes tear ughh. im jst idk. im healing slowly.
im tryna force my emotions away...i had sex with a boy i dnt even like
last night jst to feel affection frm somewhere and i was happy before,
during, and after i did it bc i felt like i had broken that loyalty i
always kept to james bt it didn't really solve anything bc im still
alone and no one cares abt what im going thru. i know i can't mask my
pain or heal the right way by trying to keep myself occupied with other
boys. to be honest i don't even have the ability to care abt a boy at
this point. i don't have the ability to trust them. i don't wanna be one
of those bitter girls, i wanna be able to move on and have other
relationships without being scared. but i doubt ill ever give my ♥
away like i did. i wont let myself love that hard again bc its jst too
hard to control the emotions that come along with being that vulnerable.
i wish i could tell him im sorry for the way i went off on him . but i
wish he would tell me he's sorry for telling me he was still in love
when i asked him was he falling out. i guess he couldn't jst straight
out tell me . idk, i can't sit and ask myself a millions questions tht i
dnt and wont ever get answers to. if he ever reads this he'll know im
sorry. i never wanted our last words to have so much hostility and hate.
well, actually my last words. his last words to me were "i DO love you
jellie and gn" . smh, loves crazy man. some people don't get any love at
all and im hurt bc he ONLY loves me bt isn't IN LOVE. its painful tho.
its not the same and if yu everbeen in love you know it isn't. but
nonetheless, im working on myself. i dnt feel like i have personal
issues or can't handle a relationship, i jst feel like I've been hurt so
many times that im scared to lose the person i care abt. and once again,
i lost them. im insecure bc i can't keep love. i push them away bc im
afraid to lose it and i dnt know how to properly express it . i guess
that's a lesson to learn...yu can't be afraid to lose love . i jst hate
the feeling that it leaves. life goes on though. im beautiful, im smart,
im funny . someone deserves me ...i jst need to make a better choice on
who deserves me . goodnight .

well ,

im alright . im nt 100% happy but im workin on it . emotions go hard on
you . on me anyways ...im tired bt we got abt 9 days til we movin up out
this btchh & we haven't finished packinn ..so this week is gonna be
exhausting to say tha least ... bt im ready for a change , hopefully i
like this city tha way i want to ...everyone else does so im sure i
should...i jst want a job . money keeps anyone happy , especially me .
im goin up to my skool tmw to fix my resume` and apply for some jobs
after i request to have my transcripts sent off ...i know im avoiding
tlkn about my relationship bt i dnt really want to ...we talked . im
alright so i guess im moving along . i have a headachee . i didn't even
really feel like blogging bt i dnt like leaving off on a melodramtic
note. save your commentary on the previous posts . thanks .goodnight .

broken hearted girl.

I've been layin in the same position for the past 4 hours. i cried til i
fell asleep, woke up and cried again bt i can't fall back asleep....how
many tears do you have to cry until it doesn't hurt anymore? how many
times do i have to make the same mistake until i learn im making the
wrong choice? what did i do so wrong that i deserve to get my heart
broken this many times??? i wish i could sit down and have a real heart
to heart w. God, cus the devil is riding my ass right now. i been
thinkin about dying for the past 2 hours. ways to die. how to die that
wont be hard on eveyone else. do i tell someone or do i leave a letter?
it really makes no difference. i have no one that cares . i don't wanna
be preached to . and i don't feel like being judged . i jst wanna stop
hurting. im crying bc i don't wanna keep hurting so much id rather be
dead. bt why do i constantly have to be in pain? why? what did i do sooo
wrong? why does this keep happening to me? whyyy. why do people that
don't care about life wanna die and have to force themselves to live .
bt people that love their life get it taken from them? this whole past
week has been about death. i figure yeaa people will be hurt if i die
but they'll be alright eventually. life goes on whether im alive or dead
. im upset that im in so much pain that i jst wanna die. i don't even
care about getting over it bc the shit is neverending. i jst wanna close
my eyes and die. and the only thing keeping me alive right now is
brandon telling me i don't want that and i feel it would be wrong to do
that when someone took that from him ... i swear to god i wish he was
still here to give me some advice on what to do...i guess i gotta take
it for what its worth . i never understood what "love is pain" really
meant until now. youve never experienced REAL pain until you've suffered
a broken heart. i feel so stupid. im mad at myself for giving so much
love away. for believing in love to solve everything. for trusting him
with my heart so many times. i know he's upset with me bc i prolly
pissed him off on his fathersday and him being able to see his son
...and i doapologize for that bc he deserved to enjoy today bc i know
he's been hurting ...but i cnt hold back these emotions. i wanna go
crazy and it takes everything inme to break myself down to jst crying
instead of being a woman with a scorned heart....i don't wanna put
myself out of character bc if i do die i don't wanna be remembered for
that. i wish i could say how i really felt but i don't have thestrength
to write all that without crying like a bby. i wanna close my eyes and
jst never wake up ...the best die with broken hearts anyways.

i wish i could get back to that happy state of mind. i let it go , its
hard to get back. how can i be happy when im sad with and im sad
without? i need a blunt bt that would only make my anxiety worse. im
wondering what god still has in store for me to keep me motivated...to
keep pushing..i try my best to do my best. i go to school, i do good in
school. i don't wild out. i don't drink, i don't smoke anymore, i don't
have promiscuous sex...why don't i get anything i want?? why can't i be
blessed with something to keep me happy..why am i cursed with broken
hearts..my hearts been broken in every relationship I've ever been in
where i actually cared about someone, and so i start to wonder if its
me? but im always told its not, or that they just dnt know how to treat
me...so if they don't know how and im willing to let them learn, why
don't they? i can't go through this process of getting to knw someone
again, im scared to fall again. im terrified of love. im in it and
sometimes i wish i never fell. i fell so hard im stuckand everytime i
try to get up its like i fall all over again. as many times as I've been
hurt i shouldn't even care bt each time it jst gets worse, and i get
weaker. nobody on this earth can convince me that it'll be alright bc
everytime i hear that...its not alright. i hate feeling this weak and
vulnerable. insecure and broken. i don't even trust anything anymore. im
skeptical bc when i put my trust into believing something i get misled.
i don't understand, guys tlk all this shit about how girls lie and aint
no wifeys and blah blah blah but everything about what i do is genuine .
i don't cheat, i don't lie, i don't mess with other dudes, i believe in
loyalty, i believe in ridin together thru the good and the bad. when was
that ever taken for granted? when did people decide they don't want
that? i don't even have the heart or energy to become one of those foul
ass females that fit that description bc my heart was built out of love.
but its been broken so many times i can't figure out what it needs and
what it doesn't. i feel like dying. i hate when im at this point . when
i jst wanna give up bc trying doesn't lead to anything but more trying
and more tears. i wish i could trade my life for my aunt and
brandon...two people full of life that enjoyed life..and someone else
took it away from them ..but i can't even say that on behalf of b bc he
would be mad at me for even going back to this state of mind...but damn
man, taking it one day at a time is jst as hard. i literally have no
one. i jst wish i could hear an i love you because i need it. i wish
someone loved me as hard as i love. i jst wanna feel it. i don't ever
wanna have to doubt it. whatever , i give up . im not okay and no ones
even around to tell me its gonna be okay. why should it matter whether
im around or not. i dontcare anymore.

dear O9.O9.O8 ,

ima mess . emotionally, im exhausted. physically im beat bt my brain
wont quit so nonetheless im awake thinking about shit im tired of thinkn
about. i swear i hate the fact emotions derive from deep in your brain
bc if i could control them id plain n simple cut them off . i shouldn't
even be stressed about sshit i have control over. i choose to deal with
the relationship we have, i keep myself in it but i can't control the
emotional attachment that comes with it. i feel like screaming someone
help me, listen to me, console me, give me answers! but no ones here,
and even if they were they couldn't give me any answers bc your the only
one that has them. i wish i had someone here but in return i push
everyone away bc i jst wanna be alone. alone is not good. im always
alone..i feel like no one even cares about me . i dnt care bt i do. its
hurts bc i feel like im always here for people bt when i need someone,
where is everyone? .. im tired of crying to myself everynight, i can't
even explain why i do. i guess emotional release , i wish i could
explain what emotions i was feeling but there's so many i feel like im
about to pop. i know im hurt . but there's nothin new about that, im
always hurting. and ill probably continue to hurt until my heart is
completed again. i don't deserve what i go through bt i guess that's no
ones fault but mines bc i put my heart before my mind. im scared to walk
away from all the time and energy I've invested in this relationship.and
all i can think about is wishing i could go back and run into your arms
when yu first fell in love with me before everything got complicated.
that's something i can't do tho. love makes you so stupid, i swear
..like i know yu feel like u don't deserve me bc yu hurt me alot, its
mostly unintentional bc im highly sensitive so its forgivable..bt at the
same time im upset bc im tired of feeling like my best isn't good
enough. I've given everything i have. my all. my everything. I've been
loyal, honest, dedicated, consistent, given unconditional love, forgave,
tried to forget, cried, laughed, smiled, been there, given you time,
space. anything youve ever asked for. but it still feels like im not
giving enough..sometimes i start to doubt our love bc sometimes it feels
like youve pulled away. sometimes i wanna hate you bc i know you see all
of this but yu still don't give me the recognition i want. who's fault
is that?? mine or yours? i guess mine bc i can sit and list all this
shit and im still dealing with it. bt i guess its yours too bc you can't
accept what's in front of you. we have the best communication in our
relationship, we talk about everything and i would probably be telling
you this over the phone but i can't right now. its unbelievable to me
how everytime we stop talking its so hard on me...idk how i lasted that
month you were in jail, well i do but if i made it thru that this
shouldn't phase me... yu know what scares me? uncertainty. your
uncertainty. my uncertainty. your not sure what you want, youve been
tryna decide for about a year now, . your certain yu need me in your
life..but uncertain about what? my love? if you could really stay with
me? if im the one for you? who yu love more out of me and her?...my only
uncertainty when it comes to you is if staying by your side through all
of this is worth it in the end. am i waiting to finally be happy when
your ready? or am i setting myself up for disappointment bc im hoping
that everything we've talked about involving our future will one day
become reality. i can't make you love me the way i love you. i cnt make
yu love me more, want me more, need me more. i can't make you see what
you have if you can't see it. but if you want less than that, and you
love her games, immaturity, arguments, disrespect..then who am i to tell
you what yu need. i don't think that's what you deserve but if that's
what you choose then maybe it is. you probably don't deserve me, bt you
have a good heart. who's ever loved me like you? you loved me when i
didn't even love you. we've been in love for over a year, i can't jst
throw it all away bc im tired of fighting. anything worth keeping is
worth fighting for bt i can't fight by myself. if your not fighting for
me to keep lovin you then why should i keep fighting for you to keep
loving me? i hope this time your taking is helping you put things in
perspective and helping you see things for what they are. who you need
and who you don't. you might nt need either of us , i guess you could
jst go back to being single and doing that lifestyle bc flirting and fkn
girls without emotional attachment is easier on your heart....i hope
that's not what you choose bt i can't prevent it either. one thing i am
sure of is that i love you. i love you completely. heart, mind, body,
soul, flaws and all. if i didn't except the imperfections then i wouldnt
be able to appreciate your perfections for what they really are. and no
ones perfect so i can't say you have perfections but your heart is a
perfect match for mine. and for that reason, youll always be the perfect
man for me. my soulmate, lover, confidant, bestfriend, my bighead...i
jst hope you can see that for yourself.

update..6/16 1:04am .

i haven't blogged in awhile. partly bc its been a lot going on, partly
bc i wasn't ready to talk about, and partly bc i hate blogging my
personal life bc so many ppl i know read my blog like a book and then
tlk to me about like i brought it up with them .. its cool tho, i chose
to put it in public domain so whatever. so much has happened in the last
few weeks i dnt even know where to begin ...schools over, two ppl i love
died, me and james are on another break, im moving to vegas on the
2nd...jst a lot . bt okay i guess ill start in that order.

my last day of school was last wednesday. my finals weren't as hard as i
thought , to be honest i didn't study much for any of them bc i wanted
to test how much i actually learned over the semester. i got my grades
the other day and i pulled 2 A's, 1 B and 1 C . i wish i could've made
that C into a B bt that was my math class and considering over half the
class dropped or stopped coming and about 5 outta 10 of us left were
failing im happy with my C. so yea next subject..

two people that were dear to my heart died 3 days apart . made me do
alot of contemplating on life... first, my moms sister, my only aunt
died. now i only have great-aunts(my gma's sisters) left. she died on
the friday after memorial day..i wont get into the details of her death
bt its debated to whether it was her fault or she was killed..bt either
way she's nt here anymore. i went to her funeral today and i held up
better than i thought. my mom almost made me break cus she started
crying but i had to be her support system since her husband acts like
he's scared to hold her. she cried on my shoulder and he patted her
back..i smiled a lot at the memories of her tho. i loved my auntie, she
had her downfalls but she always had me laughin . i took her back home
tht tuesday after memorial day and she was was tlkin shit the whole way
like "don't trust no nigga! cus niggas aint shit!" lol. our last bonding
memories was prolly the 2 months she lived with us last year ...i miss
watching good times and stanford and son with her on tv land at 2 in the
mornin lol. but the last thing i said to my auntie before she died was i
love you so im at peace in my heart...

the 2nd person was my cuhkzo brandon..he wasn't my actual cousin. he was
actually james's but i got to know him well over the last 10 months. i
actually JST talked about him like 2 posts ago when i said he told me to
talk to james cus he missed me...smh. bt he was murdered. and my heart
breaks for him, james and his family. especially his daughter bc she's
still a bby and now she has to grow up without a father tht loved her to
death. i know ima miss tf outta brandon man ..he's the only person i
could tlk to about james that actually knew him well enough to give me
advice that meant something to me. he was always there to listen to me
vent about our problems, he never complained. and always told me nt to
trip..he'd be like "man cuhkzo don't trip, james loves yu trust me yu
jst need to give him time to figure it out" and thts what i did. ima
always remeber him for touchin my heart when i wanted to die, if it
wasn't for james and him idk what i wouldve done...it meant a lot to me
for him to genuinely care about whether i lived or died bc a lot of
people a turn a blind eye when they hear yu tlkin crazy...bt im glad i
have nothing but laughs and good memories to remember him by...

james took it so hard. that was like his brother and i tried my best to
be there for him but i can only be there so much and give him enough
space to mourn . i mourned twice myself bt after so many tears fall you
become numb. on top of this happening james informed me he's going into
the army. the army. smh. i cried. but i can't change what he wants...he
wants to do that for his bbys and i can do nothing bt respect it . we're
back to not talking again bc he needs time to get hisself together
...and im back to contemplating whether its worth holding on or letting
go... you know albert einstein said "insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results." ...the pastor at
my aunts funeral said the same shit minus the insanity part and it hit
me like...why do i keep going thru this and giving him time and waiting
hoping for something different to happen when it always comes back to
the same result?? i guess i must be crazy to have hope and faith tht one
day he'll come back around to me.. i guess wanting a future with the
person i love is far fetched..i wish i knew it was jst tht he needed
time to be ready for a relationship and nt what i know he really needs
time for ..it makes my heart hurt .. and i figure even if i decided to
let go ill have to let go regardless when he leaves for service. but
thinking of letting go of the person thts everything to me jst makes me
break down . i guess that makes me weak bc im scared to walk away from
the only person i talk to everyday, the only person that can put a smile
on my face no matter what and take away all my pain. the only person
that i tell all my secrets to..he's so much more to me than jst the
person im in love with and i used to be with. that's my best friend he
means everything in the world to me and im trying so hard to stay
together while were not communicating but id be lying if i said i didn't
miss him. i look forward to talking to him everyday. talking to him
before i go to bed. smh . i get frustrated and mad and i go off on him
and jst wanna say fk it but 20 mins later when it settles...i can't jst
say fk it and walk away. who else is gonna be there for him and care for
him the way i do? my sister said the same shit. she said, "jst give him
his space bt don't leave him angelica..who else really cares about him
the way you do?" and dnt get me wrong, im pretty sure his mom and
sisters and his family does bt as for non-family im positive i have
everyone beat. id do anything for tht man whether he'd do the same for
me or not. but yeaa im rambling. mostly about the same sht i have been
for the past year smh. i really need to pull it together and figure out
if holding on to our love is better than letting it go. bt that'll come
in time...

on another note..im finally moving ! las vegas here i comeeee ! im
excited for something new.. i need change hopefully this is fun and i
meet new people ...i have fam out there bt no friends. james lives out
there now..bt i probably only have a few months to enjoy tht before he
chooses to leave for training and duty ...if we even come back together.
i haven't talked to ms. daja in awhilee bt i wonder if she still stays
in vegas...ill have to write her cus idk if yu still read my blog lol.
and anyone else tht lives in vegas tht follows my blog feel free to hmu
and let me knoww cus i do need a couple friends lol. i start school out
there in august and i need to find a job so we'll see how that goes :)
im confident tho so idk when ill be blogging again ill prolly be back in
a couple weeks ..i love you guys stay up.

may 16th , 2O1O .

i was jst reading a cmmt frm my love queen kam, and i appreciate how you
guys give me advice and its always something i remember and put into
consideration, bt the one thing I've realized frm blogging real life is
that i can't keep my posts up with my emotions or how constant things
evolve or change on a daily basis. first let me start off by saying i
realize absolutely EVERYTHING you guys have mentioned and that I've
complained about . i knew about tht girl when she first came into the
picture . jst like she knew about me . i knew when they got together ,
she knew when he got back with me . she knows im nt going anywhere jst
like i know she's not until he chooses to bc he hasn't let her go before
. and to be honest its not about fighting over his heart. i know the way
we feel about each other and that wont ever change . i told james if
that's what he wants then have that. the fact they're relationship
didn't work is on them . we've talked about our relationship. we've
talked about their relationship , we talk about anything i wanna talk
about , james has never been the type of person to try to hide shit frm
me bc i find shit out or put it together before he ever has the chance
to . and i agree with what kam said about there being no grey areas
inbetween being in a relationship and going back to being friends.
because i know in my heart whether we settle to be friends or not were
always gonna feel a certain way about each other. I've always told him i
can't jst be friends and to be honest the way me and him are right now
at this moment , were not friends, were more than that . and even though
we say were "friends" we both know it wont last tht way . honestly, i
put up with the shit i do because i choose to which is why i don't
really complain as much as i used to. when i vent im jst writing out
thoughts . i know that no matter how much shit we go thru or people try
to tell me abt our relationship it wont push me to stop caring or loving
him and i dnt feel bad or stupid about it . i can't be mad at other
peoples opinions bc yall only know what I've told you and youve put
together your own views and opinions abt what i go through and put
myself through .so ill accept what you guys think of me , i can't help
the fact i love who i love . and i can tell yall i love him . and i can
tell yu he loves me regardless of all the shit we've put each other
through . but im not blind . i see and deal with everything I've ever
wrote about on here. if i have a problem , i talk about it with him . he
reads my blogs , he knows how i feel . its not a secret diary where im
crying inside about love and loss . its a place where i vent out
thoughts and emotions . but don't ever hold me hostage to the shit i say
because one post is how i feel right then and there at that moment . its
never permanent . if youve ever been in love you know its constantly
evolving . i can hate him one day and love him the next . and in the
time btween my last post and this one here our relationship has grown
even more bc of the things I've brought up and we've talked about . i
can't ever deny the fact he makes me happy or deny the fact i make him
happy . we do that for each other and until its time for god to take
that away and let me see something else that's what ill keep because im
happy with him in my life at the end of the day . i have days when i
feel like ill be better without him , but im not . and what keeps me
down is my emotions . once i can put my emotions into perspective and
accept everything for what it is , im content . don't look down on me
because of that . im learning , and in the meantime im loving .

may 12th, 2O1O .

im falling ever so quickly back into that place i said i wasn't going
back to.
trying to fight love is a battle ones always gonna lose , smh .
im slipping back into that black hole called foolishness , i have to
stop myself cus i keep catching myself acting as if were in an actual
relationship .
i don't mean to do it bt it just happens naturally . i get mad at myself
cus ill send a txt tht says something w. a kissy face & after i send it
im looking likee , why did i jst send a kiss tht wasn't even necessary
smh .
& i mean , he sends them back . i get all my love in return but at the
same time i need to back off again & give him space . i don't wanna
crowd him . i think him and his gf broke up today , ok well i don't
think, i know they did. but there's no reason for me to jump for any sort
of joy bc for 1 . they might get back together , they could
relapse . & 2 . it wasn't bc or for me so its not to my benefit . if
their relationship is on rocks then that's their relationship . i don't
know much about it . but as far as ours goes , its been really good
lately and id like to keep it that way . even though were nt together
jst the thought of being with him makes me smile . but i cnt get wrapped
up in that fantasy bc i know that even if there was a chance we ever got
back together that wouldnt happen until i knew he was 3000% sure he was
over her . im not going back & forth with this again like a fool . smh .
like we've been through sooo much shit . and we've grown as individuals
as well as with each other and to be honest if there's one person im
most confortable with being myself and could see myself dealing w. for
the rest of my life , it would be him . but i can't get to wrapped up in
thinking about this kinna shit , hoping . i have to deal one day at a
time bc hoping for things sets expectations that aren't guaranteed to be
met . and i don't want anymore unnecessary disappointments . as of right
now im content . im happy . but i need to pull back again bc i need to
keep that space of missing each other . i don't wanna fall back into
that everyday, every hr txt, call , or aim situation where were tlking
all day long . which isn't really possible anymore anyways with his
schedule but nonetheless , the point is i dnt wanna go back to being
expected . and in order to do that i have to stop letting my heart get
ahead of my mind and stop wanting to love so hard when i need to be
protecting what's been hurt so many times .

may 9th , 2O1O .

i decided to stay .
i jst have to keep tht wall up & not attach .
having the best day yesterday was like , why did we stop talking?
everytime we talk its nothing but laughs and connection . we just
connect on so many levels .
i decided i wanna keep that , bc the only thing preventing us from
having our friendship is my emotions .
i know he wont stop loving me and viceversa so its no point in trying to
cut him out of my life knowing we're gonna relapse at some point .
knowing that both of us are unhappy without one another .
before we started back talking , i had tlked to his cousin and when i
said i needed someone to tlk to he said "talk to james , he really
misses you man" .
and its funny cus when me and james talk i can hear in his voice how
happy he is . it makes me smile , & for whatever reason still have some
ounce of hope . to be honest i still have hope in us but i know nows
not the time . my biggest problem with him having a new gf and serious
relationship is a fear of me becoming obsolete , but he wont let that
happen . i still give him something she can't , and that's being his
bestfriend . the person he tlks to and tells everything . i love our
conversations , he's my favorite person to talk to bc we can tlk about
anything and everything . everyone can't give you that you know? i know
this relationship especially from yall readin it's perspective is just a
rollercoaster ride of love and complaints and emotions and bullshit lol
, bt i wouldnt change anything bc its a learning experience for me and
when i hit rock bottom something always brings me back up . i know
there's something so legit about our relationship , when people break up
, the relationship dissolves bc either you let it go , he lets it go ,
or yall both let it go . if both of you are still holding on to each
other then that's self explanatory , yall don't wanna let go . which
means the love btween yall isn't going anywhere . keep it . if you need
someone as much as they need you then don't try throwing something away
that's meant to stay . me & my love may not be meant to be together in a
relationship , but were meant to be together in the relationship we
have in our friendship . its irreplaceable & unfortunately , so is he .