bittersweet . . .

so i realized im kinda making my bf sound like a bad guy . & he's not .
he's really good to me . i know he would do anything for me and he loves
me but things fuck up & people make mistakes . that's life . just
putting that out there . . .

but anyways , today was my first day of school .
* sigh .
fucked up ass morning .
i got 3 hours of sleep .
i had morning sickness .
i left tha house late and had to halfway run to the busstop to make sure
i didn't miss the bus . then it rolls up .
and then im on it , with all these kids packed then a mtfcka but im like
okayy . this is how it was when i was in hs .
so then im ridin n ridin then i look up like where tf am i ?
i got on tha wrong fucking bus >:o
well TECHNECALLY , i got on tha right one but i didn't know it changed
bus routes .
it was 2 of tha same buses back to back and on stays the same and one
changes .
my dumb ass didn't know any of this n got on the wrong one .
resulting in me missing my first class .
right .
so im stuck on tha other side of riverside for about 35 mins . times
just a tickin .
i finally get to skool . buy me a orange juice aand wait for my next
class .
i was talking to this nice girl named shannon . she was sweet but yeaa
.
she's a little to square for my lifestyle .
she really into church n whatnot . and im not .
don't get me wrong ! church is cool . i believe in god . im just not
very very religious .
i smoke weed & have tha mouth of a 50 year old sailor lmao .
its not a good look . lol .
but yeaa . anyways . . .

soo today was a bittersweet day . more sad than happy .
as always .
me and my bf seperated .
yea =-o ! omg ! right . that's how i felt .
same reason as we broke up 3 months ago .
we live 40 miles apart . and he works a lot . & i have no car pluuus i
jus started skool so seeing each other is a pain in thee ass .
blah blah i heard it all before .

its whatever . I've learned aint shit what u make it .
you can make promises and say over and over how you want things to go .
but there's absolutely NO guarantess that it will .
that's life . and im soo over it .

im mad but im not . it is what it is . we were both unhappy bcus we
couldn't see wach other enough so i can't really force him to be unhappy
n stay with me just because i don't wanna be alone and single . its just
a title & i doubt very highly our relationship changes just because we
aren't "gf / bf" . we been thru too muchh .
now i don't have shit in my life but school . and that's still not a cup
of tea cus im missing 2 books . for 2 classes . ughhh .
gotdammit life is a pain n my ass .
i swear id trade in 10 years of my life just to see 5 years ahead into
my future .
just to know that i will be happy one day .
i dnt wwana fel how i do now in 5 years .
i doubt that very highly . lol .
but yeaa .
right now im feelin like fuck it .

lol @ bougie bitches .

smh .
so im posted at tha homegirl house upstairs frm my apt .
& her friend walks in & they're talking & she says .
who are all these ppl in your house ?
b i t c h !
THESE people !?
that's not how you refer to people in tha room you uppity ass biotch .
lol .
ugh .
i may be saddity but bitch i aint bougie .
& yes , there's a difference .

that is all .

shit never gets easiier .

im having one of my moments .
i feel like i only blog when im mad or crying .
& youuu guessed it ! im crying .
i can't help it .
i can be tha biggest bitch to other people && my feelings are made of
glass =/

im just . mad & sad & disappointed & confused .
i just want everything to work .
it never does .
like is that my fault ? is something wrong with me ?

i hate having bad relationship days . cus those are the only days i cry
& feel miserable . & i know i shouldn't let it but they affect my heart
the most .

i just talked to my boyf . very uncomfortable conversation . you knw
when ppl say they aren't mad but tha convo just feels that way ? like no
smiles . no laughs . short responses ?

i didn't even talk to him yesterday cus i didn't have any mins cus he
was supposed to buy me some . but kept forgetting . im wasn't really
trippin cus i know he was working really hard . but i was really hoping
he remembered so i didn't have to go thru this stage of dumbfounded
regret .

don't depend on anybody .
everyone says that , incl me !
so i don't . i don't ask anybody for shit .
its not in my nature .
so for my boyf to tell me if i need anything to jus ask .
idk i was like ok bt i never intended on askin for anything .
until i was gonna run outta mins n didn't have money to buy any .
i kept telling him . he kept forgetting .
he was wrking 12 hour shifts so i was like he's tired .
but i didn't wanna feel like dumb like i do now for asking for something
and not getting it .
i think i expect people to be like me and there not .
if my boyfriend asks me to so something ima do it . i might complain or
talk shit but ima get it done .
if u need something and i can do it . ima do it .
and that's never the situation for me .
i feel like maybe im too nice or something . cus im always feelin like
they don't wanna do the simplest things i ask . and i try not to let it
bother me but it does . it hurts my feelings .
like why would i do anything for u ? but when i ask i have to wait or
its not convienient .
i guess i set myself up for disappointment .
and i don't even ask for anything difficult .

am i mad he didn't get me mins ? kinda .
im more hurt . like idk . i really depended on that .
bt i guess that's my bad .

i bought my own outta my school money .
then when he signed on . i had o831o9 on my away bcus my ex asked me to
put something nice on my away cus he's leaving for basic training on tha
31st which coincidentally is the same day we met a year ago .
i took it down bcus i didn't want my man to get mad the first time we
talk since tha day before yesterday . & he called me out on it . which i
ddnt care bcus i don't have anything to hide from him . i jus didn't
want him to take it tha wrong way .
then i felt bad like why did that have to be tha 1st thing he saw . like
who cares cus i was jus being nice . but like a i miss my bby woulda
been nice . but i was still mad about nt havin mins .

our whole convo was dead . he said he wasn't mad but i jus felt tha
discomfort . he said he was goin to a pool party then my aim started
trippin n i signed off then bck on . told him it was . & he jus signed
off tho .

like no ill ttyl . no i love you . no nothin !

i just started crying . i have too many emotions . and like i keep
having deja vu of all the shit i hate . i just wanna talk . i wanna be
understood . but i guess now isn't the time . . .

just venting . no need for commentation . thanks .

past & future .

so , I've come to accept the fact .
everything you go through happens for a reason
in order to let yoour destiny fulfill itself .

so , stop tripping over the past .
things that didn't work .
things that did .
things you can't change .
and things that you did .

there's a reason for that outcome .
you just have to be patient long enough to understand why it did :)

45 odd things about me :)

another survey stolen via mr . micah :) , go follow he`s nice .
www.theindustryshakedown.blogspot.com .

1. do you like blue cheese - love it .

2. have you ever smoked - ganja :) .

3 . do you own a gun - moms does lol .

4. what flavor kool aid was your fav - grape/lemonade combo .

5. do you get nervous before doctors appts ? - nopee .

6. favorite xmas movie - this christmas , wait does that count ? lmao .

7. what do u think of hotdogs - ugh . nasty . jus like fckn bologna .

8. favorite thing to drink in the morning - water or juice .

9 . can u do pushups ? - psh . like 10 :-/

10 . what's your favorite piece of jewelry? - moms ring she gave me ,
sentimental value :)

11. favorite hobby - aiming =D . or sleeping lol .

12 . do you have a.d.d ? - do you ?

13 . what's one trait you hate about youself? - im lazy lol .

14 . middle name ? Phylicia :)

15 . name 3 things your thinking about right now - 1 . when's my mins
gonna run out , 2. when tf am i gonna fall asleep , 3 . is my bf gonna
remeber to buy my mins after wrk :( ?

16 . name 3 drinks you drink regularly - water . soda . saliva . lol .

17 . current worry - how tf am i gonna get 300$ to buy my last 2 books
.

18 . current hate right now - not living close enough to my bby :(

19 . fav place to be - somewhere in solitude .

20 . how did u bring in tha new year? - ummmm . i don't even remember .
oh wait . i was arguing with my ex bf on tha cpu . womp woomp ! lmao .

21 . where would u like to go ? - to your moms house =P

22 . name 3 ppl who will respond - some of my followers . & prolly micah
talkin some more shit lmao :D

23 . do you own slippers ? - nah cuhhh .

24 . wht color shirt are u wearing right now ? - blaack .

25 . do u like sleeping on satin sheets ?- only if the sex is tight !

26 . can u still whistle ? - i suree can .

27 . favorite color - bright shit .

28 . would u be a pirate ? - nah . id rather be a ghost .

29 . what songs do u sing in the shower - lol . none . unless i put a cd
on .

30. favorite girls name - kashmier . don't jock ma shit either ! im
namin ma daughter that :)

31 . favorite boys name - zyaire .

32 . what's in your pocket right now ? - i don't have any .

33 . last thing that made u mad ? someones blog .

34 . best bedsheets as a kid ? - 101 dalmations cuh !

35 .worst injury you ever had ? - broken hip . couldn't walk for 3
months :( .

36 . do you love where u live ? - hellll nahhh ! i wish someone would
blow this mtfcka off tha map !

37 . how many tv`s do u have in your house ? - do i count tha ones that
aren't plugged up ? lol .

38 . who is your loudest friend ? - lucky . she's crazy white girl
ghetto . lol .

39 . how many dogs do you have ? - ew . none .

40 . does someone have a crush on you ? - sheesh . should i count ? its
getting rediculous .

41 . what is your fav book ? - umm . the coldest winter ever ? I've read
over 50 books for fun . i don't remeber .

42 . what's your fav candy ? - sour gummy worms :)

43 . fav sports team ? - eh . don't have one . sooory .

44 . what do u want sang at your funeral ? - umm . when doves cry :]
lmao jp . i love prince . nigga idk ! who wanna pick a song for they
funeral !?

45 . odd things about you - im sweet as candy . cute as a button . and
the rudest bitch if i don't know you or care for you . im antisocial bt
i like to talk . i like to stay in solitude bt ill express my feelings
like free oxygen . oh & i love my boyfriend , ima marry him :)

bus ride .

soo ,
im bored on tha bus omw home from my school cus i had to go purchase my
books n pay my fees today cus it was the dealine so my classes wouldnt
get dropped .
so i was on a very low budget since my mom is on ssi & my dad is so
selfish and doesn't like to give his ONLY daughter any cashflow .

he sent me 300$ .
my books totaled 440$ .
right .
4 classes = 6 books .
six fuckin books >:o .
i had to pay my 27$ worth of fees soo .
i could only afford 4 out of 6 books .
right .
meaning i don't have a book for 2 of my classes .
* screams & cries .
wtffffff .
the 2 books im missing total about 300$ + if i can't find them used
somewhere . & that's IF and ONLY IF my dad forks out another 300$ . =/

my financial aid doesn't come til november 20 .
classes end december 18 .
isn't that convienient ?

ughh mann fuuuck .
theeeen after i stressed on this book shit .
i waited in the admissions line to get my id for about 40 mins to find
out there id system isDOWN>:o
like . WTF ! could they have put that on a big ass sign or mad an
announcement for the inconvience of all the mtfckin students standin in
100+ degree weather for this bitch ass school .

all this means is on my first day of skool .
which is monday tha 31st .
after my 2 classes i have to go back and wait AGAIN .
all so i can use my student id to ride the buss for FREE !
cus a all day pass cost 4$ and 20$ a week for the bus aint in my budget
.

i went to bed at 330 .
woke up at 10 .
im tired . its about 110 degrees outside .
there's this ratchet ass square / loser nigga wit some black like doc
martin style boots n a button up wit fuckin sword fish on it , a
messenger bag , some knock off gucci glasses n some cornrowsa tryna chop
it up with me .

* long sigh .

i hate having to be the rude bitch .
i was nice for about 5 mins just being humanly cordial .
til he started talkin about sprinkling water on me to "cool me down"

* blank stare .

spare me . i started blogging to keep myself occupied . then he says . "
so what game are u playing?" . like none nigga ! damn ! get out my shit
!

im sad cus ii can't talk to my bby cus he workin a 12 hour shift today .
545 am to 6 pm . which means i come 2nd priority after SLEEP . lol . :(
prolly wont talk to him til about 9 . ughhh im sooo stresssed :(

i need some anxiety meds .
I'll be str8 around november , money wise .
hopefully skool doesn't stress me out to tha n-th degree .
i have a headache . & on top of that im sweating . ugh .
ill bbL .

update .

lmao .
im good .
actually laughing at myself for how bipolar i look :(
but i really felt like that at that point and time .
so i don't feel sorry for how i felt . buuut ,
thank you to micah :) for that comment cus yea , i agree . things aren't
really as serious now that i look at it . im good .

on that note , im nott bipolar . well at least i dnt think i am :-/ . im
happy . and have a nice night ! goodnite !

emptyness .

i hate life .
no if`s and`s but`s about it .
can't nobody convince me that i don't , becus i do .
im depressed and i force myself to smile everyday .
i disappoint all the people that naturally make me happy .
its like im cursed to never be happy .
i don't even wanna go over the events that happened last nite but it was
a big mess .
i was supposed to see my baby and shit fucked up .
i knew when it took him a hour to make a15min drive something wasn't
right .
my first thoughts ?

1. he got lost .
2 . he gotta ticket .
3. he went bkc to sleep and never left .

i was mad last nite bcus yet again i was sittin there looking and
feeling stupid bcus he never came .
[deja vu frm my last relationship ]
i cried the whole way back home just wondering why the same shit always
happens to me .
why shit never works out correctly .
why shit always has to fuck up .

i popped 2 benadryls last nite so id actually be able to sleep .
secretly wishing id have a heartattack and die in my sleep . but instead
waking up to a email frm him tellin me he was mad at me bcus he couldn't
find me last nite and he got pulled over and he had work in tha morning
. ect .

so instead of being mad at the fact i thought i got faked on . i
instantly felt bad and stupid . i wish i never went out there under
those circumstances . i wish i wouldnt have begged him to come get me
from somewhere he didn't know how to get to . and now he has to pay for
a ticket he could've avoided . just adding more things onto a list of
problems he already has . i feel like shit . i can't ever do anything
right .

i was tempted to jus say he didn't have to be with me and could be with
someone else cus i don't do anything but disappoint the people i love .
im trying so hard not to cry while im writing this but my eyes are
filled up with tears . i hurt .
my heart burns .
my soul aches .
and most of the time i wish i was dead .
i feel like everyone would be happier without me in there presense .
its like im just of waste of space always causing problems and
inconvienences for other people .

and i have to sit here and act like im all happy go lucky cus i have to
go to ma moms husbands bday party at his sister house . and he keeps
complaining cus i dnt wanna tlk and my moms getting mad at me like "fix
your scales , angelica " like why tf can't i just be left alone .

im not in the mood to be happy and laugh and celebrate . yesterday the
worst day of my life for about 5 reasons . im tired . and i hate life .
i guess i should be grateful i have a life . or that i still have a
boyfriend for that matter . but id rather not have a life and he's mad
at me and doesn't even wanna talk to me .

well i guess im done crying and venting .
and spare me tha it'll be ok commnts cus i wont be happy til my life is
back together . and at this point im feelin really far from it .

go Hard or go homeeee .

someone called me devious today .
couldn't have been a better choice of word .

lmao .
im NOT soft !
i don't sympathize over time i get more ruthLess !
i go Hard on hoes & niggas btw ,
ask about jellie .

that is all >:)

public service announcement .

this psa is a shouutout to all the men in the world that are straate
bitches !
bitch niggas . nigga bitches . whatever you wanna call em .
i hate them .
a fuckin disgrace to mankind .
i hate a man that isn't a man .
not man enough to hold that title proudly .
niggas that do bitch shit included .

i just had to throw that out there cus i can't fuckin stand my moms
husband . if there was a bitch ass people club , he would be the
president . smh .
his m.o ?
whine . complain . bitch . complain . whine . bitch .
GET OVER YOURSELF !
he`s a fucking leech . leeching off my mom .
how she fell in lovee with him is beyond me , but hey that's her man .
she gotta deal with him .
i refuse .
todays his birthday and he's been moping around and complaining all day
.
wanna throw a big bitch fit because my sister went to jack in the box
and didn't buy him anything .
lmao ! are you kidding me ? nobodies obligated to spend THEIR money on
YOU . birthday or not .
i thought it was funny .
im such a rude ass bitch . so ruthless ! i love it ! >:]
im sorry but i don't condone men acting like females , nor self pitying
themselves for sympathy .
bitch , i don't sympathize !
lmao .
im cooold . yeaaa , so be it . i like it this way .
i could do without anyones presence in MY presence .
shit , i enjoy my solitude . call me a loser . call me a loner . yep !
im allla that AND a bag a chips and 3 cookies nigga !
i digress :)

men that act , condone , emulate any type of female activity .
is a BITCH .
that's a no go .
i support a man . A MAN .
if you have no pride in that , hm . shame !