&& a big FAT Thank YOU !

to everrybody that wishedd me a happy birthdaaaay :)
i love you guyss , & i appreciatee it .

um .

he's fine so im glad .
ill post later on my state of mind .

birthdaay recaap .

so , i didnt do anything special .
which i knew i wasnt .
my day was full of umm . . .moments .
my morning went good .
my 2nd class was cancelled so i got to leave skool early .
i was talking to james all morning .
then my worries kept coming , so i kept asking
he didnt wanna talk about it because it was my birthday .
idk how we ended back on it buut
once again my intuition was right .
blaaah .
i knew it .
basically he doesnt want us anymore .
i would usually be all out of wack , bt i was preparing myself for it .
still hurt , but fuck it what can i do .
that conversation ended .

theen , 2-3 hours later his cousin txts me like james fenna go to jail .
my whole world stopped .
everything that happened earlier flew out the window .
like w t f .
&& i was higgh af .
& i already have anxiety so , me , stressful situations & dro do nooot mix .
i just wanted to cry .
so i was talkin to his cuzin tha whole timee .
he got bailed out & i talked to him .
but he had court this morning .
i talked to him when i woke up before court & im streessssssseddddd outttt .
im soo worried .
he had court at 10 & its 1247 , but i know court takes forever buut im fenna text cus im fenna lose my mind .
i know shit didnt go how i wnted but i still dont want anything to happen to him . he's still my heart . ill update later on the situation when i get info .

overall my birthday went exactly how i expected . no surprise .
just another day in my life , & he didnt ruin it . i just disregarded the whole day . . .todays a new one .

happy birthdaaay too meeee !

im official !
im twenty ONE , woop woop !
im poppinn bottlesss btchhhh ! :)

just for the record .

i dont care anymore .


&& my birthday is tomorrow :)

let it go . let it go . let it flow .

ima drive myself crazy with this situation .
the rollercoaster ride of ups and downs is making me sick .
somethings wrong with him . & idk what :(
i asked was he okay , he said no & he didn't wanna tlk about it .
i told him i loved him , he didn't even say it back .
& somehow im feelin like in the back of my heart ,
it has something to do wit that other girl .
i can't . i can't . i caaant .
i can't handle it anymore .
i can't win .
i can't love him enough .
i can't make him love me the most .
i can't make him wanna be with me .
i can't make him nt wanna be with her .
i can't make him chose .
i can't do shit .

i can walk away tho .
i said i wouldnt tho .
im torn between staying loyal to our love and staying loyal to my heart
.
i wanna walk away & make everything easier for everybody .
make his life easier .
ill break my own heart .
before i fight to try to win & end up losing .

im fenna start crying again .
im in this blind battle ,
im fighting for what's not guaranteed .
i never asked for anything but to be loved back
i never wanted anything in life more than to be loved unconditionally by
someone i was in love with .
i feel like maybe im lookin for love in the wrong places .
how do i know when im choosing the wrong love ?
when i first fell in love with him things were perfect .
why didn't i know i would end up in another love triangle fighting for
my love & my heart?
everyones telling me "youll find the person that's right for yu " .
but he WAS the person that was right for me !
i left my boyfriend bc i felt he loved me more .
he did love me more .
he told me my bf didn't deserve me , & he was right .
he didn't . he wanted to be my hero & sweep me off my feet & he
succeeded .
he stole my heart . and my soul . & my life .
& now im sitting here uneasy . unsure of what's about to happen .
if he's gonna stay in my life or chose to leave .
he said he wasn't letting me go but im scared .
he's not letting me go bc he needs my friendship .
bt he could choose to let go of my heart & that's what means the most to
me .
im tryna be sooo fuckin strong & i feel myself breaking everyday .
one day im uneasy . then i talk to him and he takes it all away .
i fall in love with him over and over again everytime he makes me laugh
.
i remember the reason i fell in love with him . & im reminded everytime
.
i wanna fight for our love .
but how do you fight for something like that ?
love is a two person emotion .
i just want him to know and be sure .
i want him to choose me or her .
i dnt want him to be stuck btwn the two .
i dnt wanna be coldhearted against her feelings but I don't give a
flying FUCK HOW SHE FEELS .
nobody told her to fall in love with someone who was already in love .
now he's stuck .
now he doesn't wanna hurt either of us .
but were all gonna be hurt in the end .
especially me .
ughhhhhhhhhhhh .
i hate this .
how do yu let go of the one person yu love more than damn near yourself
? :'(
i don't wanna give up on us but i feel like ima regret it if i stay & i
end up getting hurt again .
man , im fenna cry like crzy cus the tears is already burnin my eyes and
droppin .
so im fenna leave this alone as of right now .

i love you de`von . gn .

updaate .

gosh .
lol , leave it to my bby to call me and talk all my mins out lmao .
i just fuckin bought a 10$ card today and i tlked all 9 dollars out on
him ! lmao .
i got 20 cent ! ill be happy if tha shit works tmmw .
ugh , im nt fenna have a phone til my birthday :'(
cus my mama nt fenna give me another 10$ lol .
weeell that's all . sooo , bby if yu txt or call or sign on aim & im out
of reach . . .
know that its YOUR FAULT >:o !! but that 45 mins was worth it :D kinda
.
you still buyin me some mins nigga . lol .
i love you baby gnite .

just another day .

weeeeeeeell , today was a regular day .
we talked like an almost regular day .
then i missed his call when i was in the shower .
blaaah . whatever .
were okay i guess ,
it could always be better to me .
but its um , tolerable .
im annoyed with feelin like "one of tha boo's"
im not nobodys fuckin boo .
lol , shit .
i been around longer then most a these btches im ready to start droppin
hoes 0:]
BUT
i can't dictate his life . he's not my man , so he's free to do as he
pleases .
blaaaaah .
i wish i could tolerate uglyness .
if i could id have me a ugly nigga on lock .
lol .
jp , kinda .
anywaaaaaaays .
my birthday is in TWO DAYS ! woopwoop !
o c t o b e r 1 4 t h ! :)

ill be 21 and still NOT where im supposed to be . smh .
all i need is my car & i can pull everything else together .
indeeed . with time ill be back on my shit .
everybody gon be mad when big badd ass angelica the paralegal step in
the room continuing to shut shit down and steal yo nigga wit a blink & a
smile .
OUCH !

might have to steal my own back shit lol .
he's steal talking about having a family which means a FUTURE , which is
always a good thing :)
no high hopes . bc just cus i want it to happen it wont .
im nt fenna jinx it .
i guess its better he wanna fck around with other btches while we apart
rather than together . . .
blaaaaah .
i wanna hit fast forward on life already .
i feel 17 .
i wanna be 25 with a life & career .
pregnaant or engaged .
something worth life .
something substantial .
i refuseeee to be a bbymma , single parent , on state assistance , by
myself , working a mall job , any of tht shit by the time i past 25 .
no offense to those that do live that life .
but that's just my personal preference for my life .
ill be damned .
it prolly wont even happen that way .
but i wanna be engaged , with kids on tha way , with a mortgage (or
condo at least lol) and a car note & career .
how bout it ???
sounds good .
hopefully that'll be what's happening in the next four years .
if not , eh . . . oh well , we all have hopes lol .
im fenna knock . school in tha am . nite nite .

know your worth .

okay it worked .
so on with my present thoughts .
i been smoking allll weekend trying to keep my thoughts off of things .
i tlked to him a brief moment last night & it didn't even feel like he
wanted to talk to me .
but idk , maybe that was just me .
im getting tired .
i feel like maybe i should just say bye & let him go .
i gotta stop holding on so tight to whts not mine .
they always say know your worth . know you worth .
i always choose to settle bc im comfortable with what makes me happy .
with what im used to making me happy .
i love james . and he's worth me .
but i feel like im in competition for his love now .
I've hurt him in the past but after everything we've been through i
don't feel like i should have to fight to keep it .
i wish people understood how much i love , how hard .
i think its taken for granted .
but what can i really do about it .
at this point i just feel like giving up .
he knows how much i love him . what more can i do .
i can't even show him , i can't even see him .
he wants his space so im giving him that .
and in this space i feel like this is gonna be for tha worst , for me at
least .
i rarely dislike people . i very rarely hate people .
but i haate that girl . i do .
she interrupted my happinesss .
and i can't blame it all on her bc he had just as much to do with it .
but why did she have to fall in love with the man im in love with ?
why did he fall in love with her back?
why do i feel so disrespected .?
im angry . it aint shit i can do about it .
i feel like im losing his love .
he doesn't feel the spark btwn us anymore cus he feels it btwn them .
i can't even try to fix it . & its killing me .
maybe i should just leave him alone and let him be happy with her .
i feel just ughhh , defeated !
some bitch always comes along and steals what i worked so hard to keep
or love .
i can't be mad about zahkeem & his new gf bc i left zahkeem in order to
pursue my love for james .
& i don't regret it . but maybe i fucked up fate .
maybe i was supposed to stay with zahkeem & james was supposed to try
things with his babys mom .
maybe i was selfish trying to figure out who i loved more being
inconsiderate to their feelings .
he hasn't felt our spark . . .
that means since we got back together again in august .
that means he's been unsure for this many months .
that's how i left his heart open to be took .
how did i manage to fuck that up?
i swear i have the worst luck with fucking up the things that make me
happy .
and the fact im always left without being able to fight for what i wanna
keep .
im helpless .
how do i fight for him without pushing him away if he wants space ?
how do i keep his love full and nt lose it to her .
im figuring i should let him go before he chooses who he wants and it
might nt possibly be me .
bc if he should choose her over me again , im literally gonna have a
heart failure and die frm severe heartbreak .
so im just let go now , and if he decides im the girl he wants then ill
be happy . if not , then I've already put my guard up to lessen my
heartbreak .
these are my thoughts at the moment .
maybe they'll change maybe they wont .
i need lovee . i miss it . i want it back , the way i used to have it .
. .

ill be back sooner then later .

another tmobile fuck up .

now all my shit deleted and is gone , so im tryna see if i remember my
blogger email , this is just a test .