dear james de`von ,

i apologize from the bottom of my heart for everything i ever put you
and your heart through . for hurting you . i never had intentions of
hurting you , ever . the only man to ever love everything about me . i
would give my life for you . and i know i tell you how much i love you
damn near everyday , but i could never tell you enough . if things don't
work out in the end , im sooo thankful i met you . your my bestfriend .
you told me i taught you how to love . and in return you taught me what
actual love feels like . i wouldnt trade it for the world . all the
tears and hurt , never pulled me away but made me love you even more .
cus at the end of the day , you will always be my world . and if you
ever walked away , my world will spin slower . so if that should ever
happen , i hope god brings you back to me so that i could complete my
life with you . bc in all honesty i can't see myself spending it with
anyone else .
i love you james de`von . and that's on my life . that's all i wanted to
say , oh & i miss you . gnite .

deep emotions .

* sigh .

im miserable .
im not trying to be , im trying really hard not to be .
but its harder than i thought .
i gotta stop blogging about my love life just on the strength everytime
i do the opposite happens .
i think im jinxing it .
fuuuuuuuuck .
i don't know what to do with myself .
im doing too much thinking .
i haaate when i do this .
distance makes me inferior .
im getting insecure and i shouldn't be .
im trying to trust what he told me , but damn
he's told me things before and then something happened .
he knows i lost his trust . . .
and its really hard bc now in the back of my mind im hoping the same
thing doesn't happen again .
there's no guarantee everythings gonna work out and i feel like im on a
merry go round .
like im blogging about the same shit over and over .
i just hate how inferior i feel now .
once upon a time i was so confident i was his girl , his world .
i was what he wanted and i knew i was all he cared about.
now its not the same . i know he still loves me . but he loves other
girls .
he's unsure , im not all he wants but he's willing to try .
then he's unsure he should be trying with anyone .
and as much as i respect that and wanna give him his space . .
its hard on me .
i really miss him .
i guess i should be thankful i got that hour convo before we parted .
but now i just miss him even more .
i wish i had more control over my feelings .
i wish i could not care as much , love less .
but all i know how to do is give love .
that's gonna always be my greatest downfall , bc once i fall .
im down . heart wide open in love .
this is only my 2nd time falling in love and this is way more intense
then my 1st .
maybe whoever i fall in love with next could be more ?
but i really doubt that .
i want our past back .
i haaaate this insecure feeling .
i feel like im putting so much strain on the relationship we have left
bc i wanna go bck to being the one and only so bad again .
i never wanted to feel insecure about us .
im not insecure abt the way i love him bc i know the way i love him is
supreme .
bt im insecure abt the way he loves me . . .
he loves me enough to wanna try again , to end things with her , to keep
loving me through everything we been through .
but im insecure bc i know im nt the only one he loves .
i don't have all his love or heart anymore .
and i want that back . i want us back . i want our spark back . i want
our happiness back . i want our all day convos back . i wanna go back to
when we 1st fell in love when things weren't this complicated .
but im not gonna give up . i can't break bc i need to make it through
this .
in the end were either gon make it or break .
and either way i have to be able to handle it .
ill fight to the end of the world for him .
anything & everything he wants & needs , im there .
that's what love is all about . loyalty of the heart .
his happiness is essential to my happiness .
& that's why i know he'll never find another love like mines .
i can put his happiness before mines bc without his mines is non
existant .
my eyes are tearing up and im not even saying anything .
but that's my love for him . he no longer has my heart , he is my heart
.
take him away , you take away my heartbeat .
give him back , & you give me back my life .

&& then he called . . .

exactly one hour after i posted the previous blog .
lol .
telling me he didn't want me to be mad at him bc this is what he needs
to get his shit bkc together .
i can respect that . bc i want the best for him .
he's going thru a lot more important shit than just our drama & in the
long run it'll just be better for us .
& i hope that works out .
just know im not sad .
im content i guess .
we talked for a little over an hour .
our past , present and future .
bby , i love you .
my fingers are still crossed but im breathing a little easier .
gnitee .

i don't know anymore .

im not sure about us .
why ?
because he's not sure .
this love rollercoaster is the worst ,
but ill ride it to the end bc i love him that much .
when i was reading his old blogs yesterday i wanted to cry .
i feel cruel , and stupid .
bc i couldnt see how much he really loved and wanted me when i was stuck
in such a "in love" fantasy with my ex before him .
i feel like i ruined everything we coulda had .
bc i was unsure then , and he's unsure now .
i waited too long to love him the way he wanted to be loved & now im
stuck .
i don't understand how we love each other so much but it isn't working
.
i want it to fucking work !
& i can't really blame anyone but me if it fails .
he said he needs time to hisself frm everyone .
and i can give him that bc i want him to know what he wants .
i need to know , so that i can breathe a little easier .
i just wanna love him and make him happy , that would make me happy .
i wanna be happy .
he said all we do is hurt now in this relationship , bt im nt trying to
.
were just having love pains . . .
im too hopeful .
this could be us falling apart & me holding on so tight im not seeing it
=/
im gonna prayyyyyyy everynight that god brings my love back to me .
i need his lovee , i really do .
he don't know how much it means to me .
we been like bestfriends for damn near a year ,
without him it feels like half my world died .
i can say nobodies ever loved me to the extent he does .
i can feel it , and i want that .
this is my last time crying .
i wasn't even trying to ,
im just mad at myself for taking so long and being so confused at first
that now things btwn us aren't even the same now .
he can have his time . i can respect that .
im just scared of what its gonna reveal .
i cross my fingers & cross my heart .
everythings in god`s hands now .
ima let him do what he fits best .

im laate but i got awardedd :)

by miss mimi [ http://double-cup-love.blogspot.com/] sooo . . .

»ok so the rules.1. Post award on your blog2. Link or tell a bit about the person who gave you the award…3. Each one of you who receive this award must list down 5 facts/hobbies about yourself4. Pass this award to 5 or more bloggers

- my five randoms .

1. i love being in complete darkness .
2. im anemic and allwaaaays cold .
3. my favorite food is california rolls [sushi] .
4. im infatuated with sex but rarely have it .
5. i hate trying to be nice to people that are tryna get at me .

- im passing this onnn toooo . . .

1. REGGIE [ http://reggieiscrazy.blogspot.com ]
2. FAMOUSJ.NET [ http://famousj.net ]
3. ORGANIC POISON [ http://wattheeff.blogspot.com ]
4. ALEJANDRAX3 [ http://alejandrax3.blogspot.com]
5. YOU LOVELEE* [ http://lovelee.blogspot.com ]

&&just for the record lol , i dont really care if yall dont pass this forward :) [no offense]

better than yesterdayy .

good morninggg :)
lol .
im having a good morning cus i had a gd day and night yesterday.
sometime yesterday when i was tlking to james i had to make sure i wasnt misinterpreting our situation so i asked him did he really wanna work it out or did he just feel srry for me lol .
his response : "Are you serious? no i didnt feel bad for you I wanna work it out seriously."

i smiled.
i just needed to know we were on tha same page.
but we talked later on tht night and i got sad again cus he said it still dont feel like it used to , he said he doesnt feel the spark we used to have anymore but he does still love me the same and he wants to try bc we have to try together if we want it to work.
and i agree , im just glad hes willing to do that.
thats love right?

&& nooo , were not bk together so dont start makin assumptions,
we need timee , i just hope everything works itself out cus if it doesnt . .
i cant be mad bc we tryed . i just have to take a loss , forreal.
but whatever , love is a journey and like queen latifah said in the secret life of bees . . . love is never perfect .

i need to disconnect my wanting everything to be perfect and work out as planned frm reality
like i used to bc it is the main reason im always disappointed
and i already know this . . but i can never take my own advice for some reason lol .
&& james is like, babe shit happens , if everything went perfect in life nobody would be sad. its just life .

& yea , hes right .
but i still wanna be a big ass hopeful bby ,
hoping and wishing everything goes the way i want .
which will prolly never happen bt whatever lol .
as of right now im content .
im nt completely over the situation cus im still kinda hurt ,
but im healing , i can say that much .
&&time heals all wounds . . .

ps - he did end things with her .

another update.

well its been a long weekend and i havent been able to update because tmobiles fuckin internet sevices are down and i have no internet , email or aim >:o

but, me and james had a long talk and somewhere in expressing how i feel i guess he realized how important i really am to him as he is to me. I believe he broke up with her. but its not like were fenna jump right back into anything. im still hurt and scared, but he wants to make it work as do i soooo , lets see what happens. were gonna take our time and see what happens. his cuzin said lol , "yall just need to work shit out cus yall not gon be happy unless yall with each other honestly. "

that lifted my spirits kinda, not too high tho. no need to get my hopes up for nothingggg , i wont know exactly how we feel or stand til i see him which will hopefully be for my birthday if everything goes how i want it.

ill be back :)

update .

i cried for about 10 mins in that bathroom .
smh .
i came out seen how puffy & red my eyes and nose were & started crying again lol .
the only reason i stopped is bc i had class :(
but im better now , be back sooner than later lovess .

man fuck .

i gotta go to class in 20 mins & its hitting me !
its hitting me !
im bout to fuckin start crying in the middle of this library .
ughhhh ,
im tryna relax & take my mind awayy .
todays not gonna be a good day .
im gonna break today .

wtf .
i feel so fuckin lost .
like im giving him his space .
with no doubts about it , i still have no words for him
i dont even have the courage to talk to him .
how could he do me like that .?

i would do anything in the world to fix it .
i cant type anymore im bout to start cryin ,
if i told him anything i'd tell him to listen to
bobby valentino- stay with me .

thats how i feel , and ima leave my emotions at that .
cus its not bout to happen . .
hella heartbroken .
ttyl .

first day blues :( SIKE ! bitch im see thru !

lol .
so this was my first day after we "ended things" .
blaah .
i woke up feelin sad but as my day went on and i tlked to my better
halfs & bess homie , i didn't even care .
well i do , but not enough to stay sad .
i was more idk , disappointed .
but i wasn't trippin tho .
that's what im accustomed to .
good ol dissapointment :) it never fails me .
i guess i let the pedestal i put him on , seeing him as so different let
me miss the signs .
weeelll wait .
let me not say miss , cus i didn't miss shit .
but !
i let my heart get in the way of what my brain already knew .
smh .
whaaatever .
he wanna be with her . i guess ill take that losss .
funny how the two niggas that told me how much they oh so loved me are
now with other girls but BOTH claim there's nothing wrong with how i
love .
i agree to disagree . bc something isn't right .
or maybe the way they loved me aint the way i loved them .
i think i love too maturely for my age .
my love is strong enough to get married today and be happy with that one
person for a lifetime .
i don't expect them to love me that much but close would be nice .
i guess im just tired of being left .
i always feel abandoned .
like im just supposed to be like FASHO ! :)
nah , its more than that .
but .
this time around im emotionless .
i didn't cry today mostly bc im too proud to show im hurt .
crying don't do shit . don't change the situation . don't take the pain
away . but it makes u stronger , more careless .
i been talkin to this one nigga , to take my mind off things but i dnt
want no relationship . we been knowin each other for tha longest . if
anything ill use him for emotional and physical support . who cares . i
don't .
i wont say that im heartless , bc im not .
i just put my heart inside a steel box wit a padlock and security fence
around it . lol .
its stayin where its at . cus im nt willing to put it at risk again .
i refuse .
love is a selfLess emotion so with that said ,
i do Love angelica 1st .
always .
i love him . so i hope he's happy , it hurts me to see him sad . so if
he wasn't happy with me , that's unfortunate for my heart , but ill
sacrifice that . everything happens for a reason .
& if he didn't leave me on real or legit intentions . . .
karmas a real bitch .
so i aint worried . lol .
i shoulda seen this coming to be honest .
i left zahkeem for james so of course he had to leave me for someone
else .
blaaaah .
whatever .
im not blue bc im not sad .
but im see thru bc im emotionless .
i feel blank . like part of me is missing .
it is . . .
but ill refill that space with time .
i wont regret anything . my past makes my future .
& that im anxious for . . . kind of .