lost in translation .*

Way overdue.

2011-03-19T08:05:00.001-07:00

Ive been trying to hold it in. Deal with shit on my own without blogging every other day complaining bt it becoming overwhelming. I have so much on my mind i cant clear it so i jst need to vent... so as yall know ive been tlkin to this new guy for abt 3months now and things are good but whn things get weird or distant i start getting cautious and doubtful. I wanna walk away but i have no real reason to, i guess im jst afraid to get hurt. We really like each other but hes a scorpio and ive nvr had relations with one and hes pretty much everything i dnt like but at the same time its new to me so i do like it. Hes nt really expressive but he has his moments and i love whn he does. Hes blunt n honest which kinna offends me sometimes cus i cnt seperate his seriousness frm his sarcasm but it wrks. These last few days have jst been off tho. We were both callin each other bby for awhile but recently he stopped. I noticed bt havent said anything. We've bumped heads a few times but we good but things still jst feel off. And it could jst be me bc yall kno i overanalyze shit and ruin it cus i cnt relax but it jst erks me. I start thinking wht if things go wrong again. I start to feel like im always falling for the wrong type again. Nt to be cliche bt its the truth. Im in a relationship again thts gonna be complicated for many reasons. And evn tho im in no rush to make it official, tht worries me. I feel like i only like ppl that arent wht i really need. But i love his mind . His drive is so focused. We get along great and i love whn we spend time together bt idk. I guess i jst gotta relax n find out....i told james i ddnt want him in my life anymore. I had got into it with his new gf and nt bc of me bt bc of wht she did but she threw something really disrespectful in my face and it made me reanalyze alot of things. He defended me but of course he stayed with her. Its like deja vu except i dnt want him, or in love with him. I still feel fkd up for telling him tht tho cus its nt really the truth. I would love to keep him in my life bt we still bump heads way too much. I dnt see the point in being friends if we always have to fight to keep or defend the friendship...im sad tho honestly. I miss him being there whn i needed someone to tlk to cus i dnt have tht now...but ill live i guess....my fuckn car broke down yesterday nd idk whts wrong with it so if i cnt afford to fix it ima jst get another one if i can smh. I cnt believe it jst went out on me smh. It ruined my entire weekend. I cnt enjoy my check cus now money is going into tht. I spent 20 on gas in it tht i cnt drive, 7 on some shit tht idk if it wrked and 65 on a fkn tow bck to my apts smfh. Waste of my mtfkn money. Hopefully i get some answers today. My life was getting great. Now its going bck down. I need God to pick me bck up .

Pointless.

2011-02-15T13:08:00.001-08:00

I need to talk. I jst need to. Idc if yall read this or care. I just need to vent. Ive avoided this for the longest. It doesnt matter tho. Im unhappy right now. Im not always unhappy. Just since yesterday..i have alot on my mind, im stressed. I wanna cry bt I cnt. I dont care bt I do. I wanna give up but I dont . Confused...tht annoys me. Im jst speaking thoughts bc I dont have time for explanations, besides their pointless. I have no answers to any questions. I jst dont know.. I shouldnt regret anything ive done in my life but I would go abt so many things differently if I could. But I cant . Cant change whats already set in stone. Why u focus so much on things beyond my control is beyond me. Theres so many things abt myself tht aggravate me and it upsets me tht I cant change them. I try but it never works. I give up. Welllll no, I dnt wanna give up but im tired of trying. Im tired. I jst wanna be happyy. Happiness is a state of mind, so.my question is why am I preventing myself frm staying happy? Why does everything affect tht? Like I said, no answers to my questions.. Fk it.

2.14.2011

2011-02-14T02:01:00.001-08:00

Its funny cus Ive had so much to say but I jst havent said it. Im upset right now. But idk why. Actually I do but idk why I care. Its making me mad tht I cnt brush it off bc mentally I dnt gaf abt it but I jst have tht "feeling". Yall kno the one where u tell urself u nt mad but u are cus u feel it lol. Smh. I hope today gets better. I dont have a valentine again. I could careless , theres always nxt year. I jst wanna be happy, have a good day. Smile! Im mad im fkn bloggin abt this bullshit lol . But annnnywaysssssss, I have a new boo :) ill have to fill yall in later cus I have wrk in the mornin nd my ass needsss to go to bed. All ima say is I like him...alot. Hes a challenge tho! But I might need that :) gn lovess and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

2011-01-23T01:01:00.001-08:00

When I think of you I feel blank
No longer love stuffed with emotion
my heart was open,
You slammed it shut with lies and no focus....
on me that is, left me damaged, so broken.
I recovered but we cant recover us, our friendship suffered..
Shoulda just let it go but we both held on hoping it would flow
...bt its not. I love you so,
I truly do. always so afraid tht id lose you, so I made sure I could use you bc you were alwys there for me bt too much that I abused you..and what we had,
so bad we cant get it back and I want it so bad
but I guess tht time has passed now its the past gotta keep lookin to the future and hope for the best, we unwrapped the present bt still searching for whats next
Im happy you found you, glad you found her. Cant grasp what was learned but as I stand where I am
I know what we really were..a moment in time we occured, love found, love lost, Love deferred.

Ill never...

2010-12-12T20:08:00.001-08:00

Have answers. Never understand. Never comprehend. Never want. Never need. Never love...like that again.

Its been months, weeks, days...and when i think about him, See him loving someonee else...tears still fall, i still feel pain. I cnt understnd how i gave away so much of myself that its taking me this long to gt me all back. Why do i still care? Why does love still swim in my soul? Ive let it go but then i have these moments whn i know i havent. I know theres no future. No hope. I stopped trying months.ago...but i still carry it with me. We dnt even tlk everyday anymore..eventually we prlly wont be in each others lives but i still live with the pain from a broken heart....and the worst part is i dnt even hate him. I have the tendancy to always blame things on myself..Nd idk why..he hates when i do it..i look at it like maybe if i had done this diff or did tht better...when the reality of it is i did nothing wrong, i gave my all... we jst werent meant to be together. It shouldnt be this hard to come to terms with that. But it is. How i let myself be so naiive to believe everything would really last forever. Forever is not realistic but i expected so much more frm our relationship thn i got. Idk why i feel like every girl he loves after me, he loves more than he did me. I gave too much of myself. I get a piece back everyday bt i wish it didnt take so long... i just want that feeling of love back...tht happiness. Tht feeling of someone complimenting my soul. I lost everything with my heart nd after this pain, i hope with time i get everything back.

Goodbye and Hello.

2010-12-09T02:51:00.001-08:00

Sooo, its getting close to the end of 2010 and gotdamn if this wasnt the longest most dramatic year of my life! So much happened..so many things changed..so many ppl i lost. On the bright side im proud to say ive grown...i broke myself down to nothing and pulled myself bck together. Im not complete tho lol, im still a wreck. I still relapse, im still unsure of wht i want but i know what i dont. I dont know what i need but i know what i deserve and thts nuthing LESS than what makes me happy. If its not keeping me happy or at least content im nt dealing with it. For what? Its a waste of time and that i have no more to waste...im on a mission to find greatness..i just havent figured out how. Im unsatisfied with my job so im looking for a new one...all i want is to go bck to school and finish so i can start a career nd be settled with life. Fuck love...i figure that comes later, if at all. Yea, someones gonna love me cus im easy to love..but am i gonna love thm bck is the question. Its a million niggas in the world yet its like findin a needle in a haystack findin someone i actually like, thats actually worth my time. I found a potential husband...bt there was two prbs: one-he lives in the bay. And two-i sexed him bc i didnt kno when i was gonna find another person i liked enough to sex cus we all kno celibacy is not an issue over here lol. I ruined that so oh well bt it was hope tht their are potential men out there... the present guy im tlkn to is abt to be let go bc he doesnt hld my attn, hes boring, and he doesnt tlk enough lol. Sorrrry bt i can tlk, i like to tlk i need to be able to converse abt stupid sht nd intellectual sht alike. If u cnt hld my attn, yu cnt hold my interest. Once my interest is gone, so are yu cus i dnt want you lol. Simple as that. I dont care at this point, come january ill be single for a year. I could gaf about being a gf, im nt investing my time, effort, mind, body, love, ect into anything less than wht i want and deserve. In the meantime ill be finding and satisfying myself, growing one day at a time.

One friend

2010-11-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

Youre everything you said you weren't and everything I thought you'd never be,
We used to be You used to be.
Somewhere we got lost. I don't know u anymore. I remember him I remember her, I only remember who we were. Now I know you so well that nothings new. Yu kno me so well tht your just through.
Nothing left to learn, not amused
No laughs no connection
I keep going over this relationship
A Thorough inspection
Everything good must end so maybe this is it? I'm part of a past collection, would u miss it?
Friends. jst lovers. friends&lovers. jst friends.
I lost where we started so I can't see where we would end. Maybe we were over before we began? I learned to love you then yu taught me to kill feelins. True story: Love kills when you let it.
Our friendship committed suicide after your love died, bittersweet homicide.. Or maybe I killed yu accidently when I tried to end me but yu jst lied to me? Ill never know.
Lost a homie lover and bestfriend all in One year, I wouldve never guessed itd only be One person and One day you'd grow distant nd basically disappear.
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Cold.

2010-11-22T02:05:00.001-08:00

Painful like hearing 'I love you' when you say it to her.
Her, only She is no longer Me, and Me and You are no longer We.
We died. I cried. You lied.
So many emotions I went numb
No feeling. Blank thoughts. Mute words. Deaf ears. Paralyzed .
I found tranquility in thoughts of Past laughs, past promises, past pasts.
Futures that never were, never would be. Presents that can't be opened
Your presence is unfocused.
Then I refocused, your unclear.
My mistake you were never really here
You talk so well I believed we were really meant to be
You deceived, silly me.
I gave you everything I had
You wanted more
No, you wanted less, less love
Less work, less real
Let's fake, and pretend We never existed.
Pretend the way you are with Her; Be happy, find love and then leave it
Dear Broken heart keeper,
I need It.
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This is For Me.

2010-11-22T01:32:00.001-08:00

As each day passes, some things make more sense...others more confusing. The more I let go the more I question why I should hold on. I'm one step closer to where I wanna be...leaving that shattered naiive little girl behind. I look in the mirror and see pain...I see all the hurt I been through then I see my reflection smile back and I know life goes on. I've been wording it wrong all along...its not that I can't find me, I know who I am..who I'm supposed to be.... What I've really been searching for is my Worth. Where I lost it? Childhood..and its taken me so long to find it. Looking back on my past relationships...the verbal abuse I put up with...the self worth I lacked allowing me to put up with so much shit I shouldve never allowed bc I was afraid to lose something I didn't really need in the first place. Letting 'love' be the veil over my eyes covering all the things I shouldve seen bt only paid attention to what I wanted to. How did I let myself be so weak? How did I let the idea of love break me? I experienced love, but not the way I know its supposed to be, not the way I want it to be. Too many people fall in love with the 'idea of love' more than actually falling in love. I know I fell in Love...and I think the people I was in love with were only in love with the idea of loving me. I can't fathom love being so easy to fall out of and into with everyone I like. Its special, almost sacred. Ill tread very lightly with who fall in love with and choose to let it be known. You might nt choose who u fall in love with but lust helps you decide who u WANT to be in love with and never again will I allow myself to be walked over by a man bc I'm afraid to lose him. A man will never be afraid to lose you. There's a million of "you". Your loss is another womans gain. I shouldve seen it that way years ago. I hate to feel so picky at this point but I'm not settling again, ever. I settle too often nd it leaves me unsatisfied when things don't work because it was never really worth it. I have no happy endings. Just to be continued's. I hope that all my love doesn't always turn to hate or disinterest, Its upsetting. Nonetheless I've gained a better understanding to my insecurity and lack of self worth. I know where I stand and what I deserve. I will not lessen these for love. The only thing I hope is that when the few men I gave my heart to look back on how they treated me they can also remember how I gave them honest, straight from the heart Love. No pretending no for shows, no bullshit. I gave love the only way I knew how --the way I wanted to be loved back, and if they couldn't fathom that, that's their loss bc a lot of people can't and/or will never be able to give love the way that I gave it.....PURE.
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Untitled.

2010-11-17T01:16:00.001-08:00

I feel like I'm running to a destination I can't reach. I see it bt I never get there. I see the ground moving bt I don't feel my feet hitting the ground. I'm unstable. That's the word that comes to mind when I think of myself. Its like I have it all figured out bt I dnt really know anything at all. My emotions are constantly conflicting with my state of mind...I go thru so many emotions in a day its exhausting. I woke up tired, then got anxious, sad, mad, disappointed, careless,happy, liberated, excited, then down. I attempted to pull myself up bt it didn't work. I'm starting to think I have a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to be so all over the place, possibly my depression.... I want so mny things...though most of them are unreachable. It doesn't stop me from trying to reach whts left. I don't want whts in front of me...some call tht ungrateful...I'm jst not about to settle for what I know I don't want. Like I miss having friends... bestfriends. I dnt feel like any are the same (old nd new)...I dnt believe their genuine anymore...tht makes me wanna cry. I miss getting along with someone so well tht everything is always nothing bt endless convo nd laughs. That's the way it used to be...

Ifeel like I lose all my bestf's..like I feel stupid when I call james my bestf now cus I dnt feel like our definition is the same.. We disagree on how I feel versus how he feels abt our friendship bt why agree to disagree? I'm nt satisfied with that bc I dnt feel understood. I kno Its diff now bc of course were trying to be platonic when we've always had feelings for each other. I feel insecure abt it..like I dnt really know how he really feels abt me as a person bc I only knew how he felt when he loved me. I cnt help bt feel like when him nd his new gf tlk abt his 'stalkers' and 'ppl tht complain abt him nt hittin thm up ' that they're referring to me...like wht if he was,hed nvr tell me..bt then its like why would he keep tlkn to me if he felt tht way? They're probably nt ...bt the fact tht I feel like I bug him more than he enjoys my company makes me feel like maybe he would joke abt me to her...I cnt think of anyone else he would mean :/ How do you discuss a friendship without making it awkward? He takes it as me saying he's nt a good friend anymore..bt thts nt what I'm saying...I jst feel distanced. And maybe it is normal bc I'm jst too accustomed to tlking all day everyday bc before we had feelings for eachh other and now we don't...I dnt expect to feel as relevant as a gf but at the same time I feel like a bestf should have some kind of relevance. He said 'your the only friend I tlk to everyday'...bt our convos are never satisfying,they dnt feel like bestf convos. Its like he disappears, forgets to respond...or jst doesn't. Then i feel annoying when im txting again like hellooo? Are u gonna respond? its jst like I can sit and I can see frm both sides wht he means nd also how I feel and I cnt expect him to meet my expectations bc its what it "used to be"...but I hate feeling like the trust isn't the same. I hate doubting what he says. I hate when he doesn't do what he says nd I sound like the annoying ex gf bc I'm disappointed abt it. I guess I'm jst upset the aura of our relationship is different now when I never wanted it to change. And I dnt mean the love or relationship part, I jst mean the enjoyment of how well we got along..its like a seesaw now. I hate tht I have to blog abt it bc it bothers me so much. I cnt tlk to him abt it without it turning completely around. Idk why I feel like he doesn't really wanna tlk to me since the feelins aren't there Anymore...I guess I kinna feel like since he doesn't have any interest in me anymore he's nt interested in wht I have to say now.. I guess the insecurity comes frm the disinterest. He said he doesn't believe I'm over him....bt mentally I am. I know I've conditioned myself to get over..gotta fake it til u make it. But I can say I know I'm nt in love with him anymore bc I can deal with a lot more sht than I used to...bt I can tell I'm still emotional bc a lot of sht still hurts my feelins... Bt thts jst me in general lately everything hurts my feelings. I'm always hurt, I've gotten to be the most sensitive I've ever been in my life. Probably bc I'm the most vulnerable I've ever been. I walk around together when I feel like a million pieces tht aren't fitting back together...how am I gonna find another bf when I cnt even find the part of myself I lost? I can't believe I lost so much of myself...better yet gave away..that was foolish. I miss receiving unconditional love bt never again do I think I can give it....my heart healed bt the scars will forever remind me of the pain.
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Liberation&Forgiveness.

2010-11-08T00:45:00.001-08:00

I had a talk last nite with this boy I used to mess with, whose really in touch with God and his faith. I hate to admit tht it used to freak me out a little bit, nt bc I don't believe in God but bc it was jst odd to me. I realized we had a lot in common but I also realized I lost myself. I strayed away from God. And I'm not writing this post to start talkin abt how I found God and I'm a changed person bc I'm still growing, I know I still have a lot to work on. Bt I know I also need to put a lot more faith in God and let him stress for me. Ill drive myself crazy trying to change things ill never be able to change. I need to jst trust god had his best foot forward and putting me through these situations for a reason. I figure maybe that's why I'm still suffering, bc I never acknowledged that. That could have simply been my lesson frm day one...but I won't know until I start making some changes. I feel a lot better today. Liberated:) ....as far as my struggle with james....I think I haven't fully forgiven him. I mean I have but the fact I'm still holding on to shit from 10months ago...I haven't forgiven him the way I need to. I need to forgive him for myself bc I'm suffering not him. Maybe one day ill tell him I truely forgive him but right now I know I'm still not ready. I know my heart won't stop loving him...but I know ill be okay one day. Ill be able to love him and nt feel any pain. Jst memories from learning what love is about. Which isn't about being together, its about acceptance. Accepting the good and bad. The ups and downs, what it is and isn't. What it was and will never be....and loving that person regardless.
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This isn't for you.

2010-11-06T23:12:00.001-07:00

I guess its jst me. Nobdys hitttin me bck...maybe cus its saturday. Maybe no one wants to tlk to me. I feel really self destructive. I spent my entire morning figuring out school and my career choices and right now at this moment I dgaf abt any of it. I wanna give up. I wanna close my eyes nd jst nt wake up. I wanna know how I made so many wrong choices tht I ended up like this. So fucked up. I feel like a destroyed masterpiece. I feel so beautiful some days, jst everything I'm supposed to be. Then I have nights like this...in my bed listening to music letting tears fall while I try to write the pain away. They say suicide is selfish. I guess it is. All the things I'm supposed to think abt I don't. I jst think abt nt being miserable anymore. Not dealing with any of this anymOre. Idk if heaven nd hell exist bt I dnt wanna go to hell...I'd rather spend eternity with my loved ones tht aren't Here anymore...so thts another reason. Then I always think of brandon nd how someone took his life. And how he was mad cus I tld him I didn't want mines. I wish I could give mines for his so his daughter could have him back. I'd give my life for that. Bt thts nt really an option. Idk how I became so fkd up...so ready to die. So sensitive.. I dnt wanna be like this. I dnt wanna be on drugs either. I dnt want my pain to be numbed by alcohol. I wish someone warned me young love comes nd goes before I gave it everything and let it. Destroy me. I wish I didn't always fall for the wrong guys and make the dumbest choices. I wish I knew how to let go without needing someone else to distract me. I need help. I wish I could tell my mom that without hurting her. I wish I could be by myself without getting depressed. I wish I could erase myself and start over. Its too late...I'm brokenhearted and emotionally unstable. I wonder how long it'll take to fix myself...
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lost.

2010-11-06T21:54:00.001-07:00

I'm always lost...sometimes I feel found bt that feeling never lasts too long. I feel like I'm too smart to go through the sht I put myself through. But I doubt that bc I'm constantly confused. I don't understand life. I don't think I really respect life. Maybe I jst don't know how to make life work for me... Or maybe I jst can't accept tht life is predestined nd I need to jst let shit happen nd let it go rather than being upset and trying to make it change. I have nobdy right now. My best....friend . Is gone. He said we shouldn't talk bc I need time to heal bc my feelins for him affect the friendship...I hate to agree he's right. I never wanted to let go after we broke up bc I was afraid I'd lose him...lose his love. But holding on caused the same thing. I can be upset tht he broke my heart the rest of my life bt like he said..he was 19. I never really thought of it like that. The only perspective I seen was we loved each other and it was supposed to be real.. But the fact our relationship didn't last doesn't mean the love was fake...it jst wasn't meant to be. Now 2yrs later I'm having a harder time not having a friend bc he's been my closest friend and the only person I tlk to damn near everyday. Maybe I became too dependent. But I refuse to regret everything and say it was all a mistake. The fact tht I know all of this makes me think I'm ready to jst be his friend bt I know he won't believe me. Its only been 2days. 2days of a lot of thinking. A lot of avoiding. At this point its get my friend back or be bitter. And I really want my friend back. I dnt know why my heart refuses to let go of the emotions. I wish I could go bck to nt givin af cus at some point I didn't. Bt sometimes they jst come back. I cnt help it. I think I jst like knowng someones there for me. I need love right now in my life and I dnt have it..I dnt feel it. And I dnt even mean romantic love...I jst want to know someone cares abt me...wants me around. Someone to jst tlk to. I feel like at this point ima have to hire a therapist to listen to the sht I have to say...or I could keep blogging bt this doesn't really give me any answers. Shit a therapist might nt either...I jst feel like I'm stuck. I'm stuck btwn living nd giving up. Letting go and holding on. Looking and letting happen. Caring and nt caring. Crying and nt crying. I'm jst lost And confused and exhausted. I jst lay in bed sometimes nd cry jst bc idk anything and I'm unhappy. And I wanna be happy so bad! And I can be happy....bt when I'm all alone nd there's nothing, I remember All the things I dnt have. My whole world falls apart. I wish I had a bby to give my all to bt I know I couldn't take care of one by myself...even tho bbys are a 2person effort. I really jst want something to put my love into besides myself. I have soo much love to give nd it eats me up inside tht I have no one to give it to or no one tht even wants it for tht matter....I had sex on halloween jst for the affection. I jst wanted somebdy to hold me nd feel wanted...I jst felt at ease in someones arms...even if it was jst for the nite. It makes me sad tht thts wht it is...I dnt wanna be one of those girls lookin for love in all the wrong places. Its easy for ppl to say I dnt need it bt when did ppl stp needing affection? That's all I really want. To feel love from somewhere, even if its jst a conversation. And now I have no one to give me that...not even my bestfriend who I love more than anybody and was the last person to ever really love me. I really hope my emotions subside bc idk how long ill last without him there...I dnt wanna stress him or lose him...I jst dnt want him to give up on me bc I really need his love nd friendship...
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love is pain...

2010-10-26T16:20:00.001-07:00

you never really understand the true meaning of tht until you experience
a brutal heartbreak. extended regret and tears...i let love ruin
everything. i believed in love. i gave my all to love..i jst wanted love
to love me back. and for awhile love was beautiful. it was
indescribible...it was the best thing that ever happened to me. i met a
boy tht played w. my heart. a habitual liar. a joke. i was ruined from
that day forward and never knew it. then i met Him. he made me laugh, he
had feelings, he was 'real'. he wanted me. he fell in love w. me....i
did what i had to do to love him back. bc he was Real love. not jst a
bunch of bullshit lies...i gave everything. a year passed...things
weren't the same bt i held on to love bc it was "real"...it meant the
world to me..i jst dragged myself thru hell the 2nd year..all i wanted
was our love back....it never came. i let love destroy me. i let love
break me down. i let love fk my head up. i regret holding on, i
should've let go. i regret loving him, i shouldve stopped...bt he "loved
me". i couldnt lose tht. how could i be so stupid. i put myself through
heartache after heartache watching his love for me fade and him give it
to someone else.. now i watch his love for them fade and along w. it
went love in general. now i watch his interest for me fade bc i remind
him of love and he doesn't wanna be bothered w. it...i hate everything.
i hate that life is so fuckd up. i hate that feelings change and others
stay the same. i hate tht i still love him even tho i hate him. i hate
remembering all the things we tlkd abt that never came true. i hate
remembering smiles and laughs tht don't exist the same anymore. i hate
that i stayed bc i never wanted him to feel abandoned...and he left me.
i hate that i put up w. this bc of love. i hate that im affected by
everything tht hurts my feelings. i hate being alive. i hate
remembering. i hate all the promises tht were broken. i hate that i know
nobody will ever love him like i do and he doesn't care or want to keep
that love. i hate remembering when our ily's meant something. i hate
that its almost a year later and im crying and nobdy knows or cares. i
hate watching him like new girls bc it jst reminds me of all the times
he told me he'd come back to me ....and never did. his feelings changed
and mine stayed the same. such a trgedy..i guess that's life when u
gamble w. love...his love that died for someone else , also died for me.
and with that im dying bc i let myself love w. everything i had and now
i cnt get it all back....i let love ruin me. i stayed loyal...i regret
that. i regret loving so hard. i regret not listening. i regret
believing. i regret myself and i resent him.

i wish i could jst have my friend back...its impossible. i watch our
friendship drift farther everyday. i knew it before i tried ...you cnt
be friends w. someone your in love with...i jst wish he never meant the
wrld to me...

im ashamed..

2010-10-26T02:54:00.001-07:00

to even express how i feel at this point. im 22 and letting the most
idiotic things upset me. im like a walking talking ball of frustration.
im unhappy, unsatisfied, and nothing ever goes right. SURPRISE! welcome
to life !! what a crock of bullshit. im so fed up w. everything and
everyone..im jst tired. I've said tht a million times before bt i can
feel my feelings changing. im tired of holding on to whts gone. loving
wht doesn't love back. trying to get what i cnt. niggas are dumb...i
don't understand. they don't appreciate pretty anymore. i need to be
ugly bc thts wht they like . i don't need to be a sweetheart cus thts
too easy..i need to be a flat out bitch bc its challenging smfh. i can't
change who i am or how i love bt i feel like i need to bc i can't seem
to keep anyone happy this way bc im still always doing something "wrong"
and the trifilin ugly bitches get all the shine :) that's tight. i hate
. i dislike using tht word bt i do! i jst...hate! i hate everythinng
right now. i tried to jst be happy w. myself and w. life bt im fkn
lonely. im fkn unhappy. i have NO ONE. maybe i don't need them, bt who
doesn't enjoy some kind of companionship? i dnt have not one. im
aggravated. all the dudes out here are fkn ugly and or ratchet. i wanna
jump out a fkn window. everythings different.... i dnt tlk to the same
ppl..me and james..were close to nothing...which is upsetting bt w.e. i
guess we've had our journey..its almost over. i feel like i need to drop
off all this baggage before i meet someone i really like nd ruin another
relationship...i jst feel so damaged..so hurt..so used..so jst fkd up. i
try to find things tht aren't really there...and i dnt acknowedge whts
staring me in the face...wht sense does tht make? im retarted. a
selfproclaimed fool. i know i make stupid choices...nd i keep makin em.
and i guess thts why things aren't changing...its so upsetting im only
22...my life jst started..i really hope life doesn't proceed this way. i
don't think ill make it .

its over now.

2010-10-07T00:16:00.001-07:00

the timing...is wrong.
or we're wrong...for each other.
bt it felt so perfect...maybe i was wrong.
i wanna be friends bt everyday i realize we can't.
im still in love...i wish i knew why.
you disappoint me more than you put smiles on my face now.
i think you jst feel sorry for me now.
you only show me love when your mad at her.
when you don't have an answer to how i feel you jst say "i love you"...
i say it bck bc i mean it bt i don't really believe you anymore.
you dnt show it anymore. i dnt see it anymore. ive seen you love me.
now i watch you love her.
you put her first. your happy w. her. your proud to be w. her.
im jst like a bad memory holding you back.
someone tht can't let go of the past...
still trying to change what can't be changed.
what's already changed bt not to my liking.
denial.
consumed in fear...
i can't face heartbreak..face to face..
...so i jst play w. it everyday.
can it get worse?
do tears and pain ever change?
I've felt it all before so why do i choose to deal w. this uncertainty
when i can jst deal w. what i know.
heartbreak..loneliness.
nothing unfamiliar.
what am i holding on to?
better yet what am i running from?
im not satisfied. not happy. im miserable.
i get to feel wht its like to nt be the person that's the object of
someones affection..everyday.
i put up w. this.
its clear i don't love myself enough...im being desperate to be loved by
someone who's nt in love w. me anymore..
its jst nt okay anymore...im gonna go crzy.
i don't deserve this. i don't want this. and i don't need this.

still pushing..

2010-10-06T22:37:00.001-07:00

im constantly in this battle between whether i wanna keep putting my
emotions out publicly or jst keep them as thoughts.. bt I've come to
realize when i have no one..i have my blog. its my outlet bc if no ones
there..someones listening, evn if i jst think someone is. i think we all
want understanding..to be accepted..jst acknowledged. some people are
more judgemental than they need to be and make us ashamed of how we
feel...sometimes they dnt understand tht its nt as easy for us as it
would be for them to do something and then they wanna look at us like
"tht weak bitch" , " she's stupid", ect. ect. and a lot of times i call
myself stupid bc i acknowledge everything i say, everything I've done
and still do yet istill do it, still put up w. it. i guess i am
weak..I've tried walking away and i jst can't...or i can bt i jst dnt
want to yet. its like trying to take away one piece of me that if i took
it away would leave me in a million pieces. im nt ready to break again.
I've been broken before bt im nt ready until i have something to keep me
focused on putting me back together. blogging has helped me get to know
myself very well and im extremely sensitive..more than id like to admit.
im very blunt and straightfaced a lot as a defense mechanism to not get
hurt. yeaaaa i wanna find tht man who loves me and i love him and were
jst essentially happy w. each other..bt who doesn't? there's no calendar
set on when or if youll ever find it. you find love and yu lose it then
yu start to wonder what IF yu never find love again..wht if it never
gets better? i wonder tht everyday. it affects how i think. how i trust
ppl. my interest level.. being hurt in every relationship I've ever
pursued is devastating to me bt life goes on. i have a love-hate
relationship w. myself. its not the way it should be bt the way I've
come to accept it. i love myself bt nt the way i should bc a lot of
times i dnt really like myself. i doubt myself. i hold myself down. i
put others before me , i belittle myself, i don't support myself. and
that's not the way it should be. sometimes i see beautiful like other
people do...a lot of times i don't. i see the broken little chubby girl
I've always been. the one that's not as pretty as her or her. but thts
something i have to grow out of. i have to learn to love myself. i guess
i can't expect other people to love me unconditionally if i cnt even
love myself tht way. then i wonder why people fall out of love w.
me..who would wanna deal w. my insecurities tht i shouldn't even have.
everytime i take the time to rethink things through i understand more
and more of why things are the way they are....i think i am the reason
my relationships fail. my exes tell me im nt bt i think they jst dnt
know how to tell me i need to love myself bc they cnt be the only ones
tht love me...and to be honest it makes a lot of sense. all in all, im
gonna try to change that and put me first, love me first and see if
maybe things get better....i wanna say thank you to cherei for letting
me know your still listening bc i didn't really think anyone still
listens. keep your head up girl, things will get better.

hollow.

2010-10-05T00:58:00.001-07:00

you give and you give, bt you get back nothing like you give.
you want bt never accomplish.
hope but never grasp.
have faith bt it never comes...
it wasn't meant to be.
you can try and try to make it happen, make it work but it just
doesn't.
there's no destiny.
you lose hope, you lose faith, yu dnt believe. you start
doubting..eventually you stop loving.
what's love if your not getting back what your putting out?
besides heartache. besides disappointment. besides looking stupid.
you try to stay loyal to love and hopee it comes through for you...
it doesn't. why? because its not love.
what you thought was love isn't love anymore its mixed emotions.
its doubt.
its weighing why i should stay versus why i should go.
the reasons for leaving outweigh staying, yet the reasons for staying
seem to sound so much more gratifying..
its a bunch of bullshit.
its like being stuck on a merry go round you can't get off of. you been
on it so long you know what to expect bt you still let the same shit
surprise you...you never adapt.
im so tired of all this. the ups tht last for moments, the downs tht
last for moments. im drained.
why keep loving something tht doesn't love you back.
why keep trying to make something work tht doesn't.
why believe the hype.
the hype sounded so much better when i had hope.
things are failing when you dnt believe..when you dnt trust.
im so intelligent. so smart. so young. so beautiful. so hopeful. so
loving. so insecure. so unhappy. so naiive. so foolish. so unloved. so
disappointed. so unsatisfied. so empty.
i dnt know whether im living or dying.
somedays im so full of life..i have something.
others im numb..i feel nothing..i have nothing.
everything you grow up hoping and wishing for are jst
disappointments...it takes a lifetime to achieve happiness and maybe
even longer than that....
i didn't think i would fall back comatose in unhappiness...
i spent 2 months trying.
maybe i succeeded for the most part..bt i dnt feel like i am.
i don't feel as though i knoww anything anymore...
maybe im jst a loss cause.
whatever.

september 30th.

2010-09-30T12:59:00.001-07:00

you get filled up w. emotion and you jst wanna go off, or cry, or w.e
makes yu feel better after yu release it....me i confronted you about
how i felt. i cried so i have to let you know wht yu did tht pushed me
to tears....only after i jst expressed myself i feel like i jst wasted
my time..your time. i feel empty. i dnt feel cared about. i don't feel
loved. its like im set up on a one way track for heartbreak no matter
what. expressing myself used to make me feel better bt i dnt feel
understood. i talked for 20mins and i don't think you listened to
anything. you heard me bt i dnt think it made a difference. i guess i
just didn't find the love i thought i did. i dnt understand it. i keep
giving bt i dnt think your giving anymore...i feel like if i keep giving
maybe youll realize one day, damn she never stps loving me. this is one
n a million. bt you have realized it, im jst not the girl you want. that
should make you not the boy i want. i kind of dont. bt then i think abt
the love we had and i think why give up on that? HA. key word: had. im
giving up on love bc its nt bringing me happiness anymore. i wanna hate
you sometimes, and for split seconds i do. i can think of all the times
you loved me. said you loved me, showed me you loved me. then i can feel
all the times you hurt me. all the tears I've cried could probably fill
the sky. yet, i still love you. unconditionally. your nt a liar bt all
the promises youve made that you didn't keep are lies. well, broken
promises. and broken promises are truths that become lies. i still
believe in you. you jst dnt believe in us. we want each other to jst be
happy....isn't it funny how neither of us can find that? remember when
we used to be happy? those were the days...gone. i guess we have to keep
trying...im nt settling for unhappiness, im nt emotionally built for
depression, it takes me to places i dnt need to be. i hope you find
yours. and i hope you stop putting other ppls happiness before yours. i
stopped. bc i realized while i kept putting yours before mines. you were
putting hers before yours...which leaves no one to put me before theirs.
if im loving you, and your loving her, who's loving me? lol. im over it.
im over niggas. im over putting your all into someone else. im over
love. maybe it wasn't meant for me.

release some tension.

2010-09-29T23:36:00.001-07:00

i feel like im about to explode. im so filled w. emotions and questions
and jst everything i jst feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i dnt know
if i wanna yell, laugh, cry, say fk it all! hold on, move on, try again
i jst dnt know. i can sit here and express to you how i feel and why i
feel the way i feel bt i can't make a choice on wht to do and follow
through w. it. my emotions will be the death of me. and love is the best
and worst thing i ever found. best, bc I've never felt anything tht
could pt me on tht natural high where nothing else matters and all yu
wanna do is love and laugh and be happy for the rest of your life.
worst, bc life is a triflin btch and never lets things go how you want
so you have to suffer and struggle w. everything. today i asked myself
how much can a ♥ take? bt i guess its more than jst a physical trait
that your ♥ is the strongest muscle in your body cus it endures a fkn
lot. I've put my ♥ through a lot and it still plays the same beat for
the same nigga and skips the same beats when i get tht giddy love
feeling...no matter how many times its been hurt....im hopeless. its
like I've been hurt bt im alwaaaysss tlkin abt or thinkin abt love and
how to conquer it the way its suppose to be. but idk how its really
supposed to be. one thing i have noticed is tht love is imperfect.
people think they find love in perfection..and even though love can
cause an illusion of perfection (blindness). true love is seeing
everything for wht its really worth and either loving it regardless or
walking away bc you love yourself more. i think i shoulda walked away
awhile ago bt i cnt. everytime i try it comes back again. and I've
pondered why...maybe im weak, maybe i dnt love myself enough to know
better....or maybe i jst really love what i love. i can't really
complain abt the downs anymore bc i put up w. everything. im nt forced
to be in any situation, i choose to be. bt fk it never gets easier. idk
WHYYYY THA FUCK i still think if i keep trying things will eventually
come true like a fkn fairytale when really i get slapped in the face by
reality every other day smh. foolish......funny part is i only wanna
walk away bc i know in the back of my head things wont go back to how
they used to be...if things turned around and i believed things would
and he showed me, id be a down ass btch for continuing the relationship
we've built. call me stupid, w.e. ill learn the long, painful hard way.
ive broken. I've hit rock bottom. I've been absent. but im still
here.....if only niggas could find a female as loving and loyal as
me...better yet, if only i could find someone that actually wants to be
loved and dedicated to only me....things would be perfect.

once upon a time..

2010-09-25T22:46:00.001-07:00

i feel like i had it all.
bt maybe i didn't really have anything at all.
i don't know why i let the same things upset me.
let my feelings get hurt.
let my love be taken advantage of...
im fed up all the way up to the point when he puts a smile on my face
again..
how easily influenced i am..silly of me.
i cnt figure out how long or much i have to hurt until i give up
trying.
i dnt really know what im trying for.
its not a relationship bc i know that's unrealistic.
i dnt know why i still expect the same loyalty and dedication...
the same love, when i already know THAT love no longer exists.
why i can put all this into perspective and put it into words bt still
deal w. it is beyond me.
maybe i am stupid. foolish. love is blind bt i see everything and im
still blinded by something...
why i cnt love myself enough to know when its time to let go...i dnt fkn
know. idk what im holding on to. im making up excuses for my reasons.
its the truth tht he is mybest and damn near only friend. its the truth
tht if he's nt in my life im by myself. bt i guess that's only my fault
for letting him be the only person to surround me.
i can't be desperate for love...other ppl love and can love me. bt he's
the only person that lets it be known...sometimes..
the hardest thing to acknowledge is that even though his love for me
still exists...its not the love he gave me when i fell in love. he
wouldnt put me first anymore if he had to choose and that drives me
crazy. i refuse to be 2nd to anyone besides a mother or child. and in my
mind i guess i keep fighting to try to stay prominent when i know im not
the alpha anymore.
i guess the day i let go will be the day i dnt want his love anymore...
that'll probably be the same day i find someone who loves me better.

too little, too late.

2010-09-24T10:57:00.001-07:00

i miss blogging bt sometimes i feel like expressing how i feel serves no
purpose cus im still dealing w. the same shit i have been since damn
near a year ago. im over it, bt at the same time part of me isn't. i
don't know what im feeling anymore..i used to call it love bt i have
doubts now, i don't believe in it...i have no hope for it. what do yu
call tht? the fact that the greatest thing i ever felt is now slowly
depleting in front of me is..i dnt even know what to call it. im sad,
hurt, disappointed..bt im at this breaking point where i dnt even care
cus i expect it. I've put so much into the relationship tht it is and is
not that i jst have nothing left to give. i really dnt know why im still
giving when its nt even a relationship and i guess that's where i set
myself up for failure. why i expect him to care or even understand is
expecting too much bc i alreadyy know he's in love w. someone else and
wants to be w. them bt i keep lying to myself and telling my heart he's
gonna come back to me....one day. why i keep thinking one day will be
anyday near i have no idea. i set myself up for disappointment. i don't
even blame anyone else for my heartbreak these days bc i mostly set
myself up for it. I've went from relationship to relationship for so
long tht i dnt even know how to deal w. heartbreak and letting myself
heal smh. i usually find someone else i really like and let them
distract me frm the pain until i dnt feel it anymore...bt this time i
dnt have that. its not working this time. i haven't found tht person
that's gonna help me get over my first real love and its driving me
crazy bc i dnt know how to let go. i did tho, for about 2 weeks i was
good! then i relapsed..i wanna keep the friendship bt i wanna leave the
emotion...how do yu detach emotion from a 2 year long
friendship/relationship?? is that even possible? why i continue to let
him suck me back in w. nights full of laughter and love is beyond me. i
guess i jst miss being wanted...being loved by someone. bt i dnt want it
under these conditions. i want love back, that ride or die, i cnt be too
long away from you, i think abt yu before i sleep and when i open my
eyes, i wanna spend the rest of my life w. you LOVE. how i once thought
i had that then it vanished into thin air...i still dnt understand. the
dynamics of emotions and love i cnt fully interpret bc I've only
experienced how i love and what i feel..i guess seeing tht someone can
be in love w. you then fall out jst as fast is amazing and unbelieveable
to me all at the same time. i wish i could go hard on love and be like
FK LOVE! i don't want it, i don't need it! bt id be lying. i can't lie
to my heart even tho it lies to me everyday. i know its time to let go
again...let it ride. bt i have to figure out what it is that im holding
on to...cus i could probably do without it .

patience is a virtue...

2010-08-24T01:43:00.001-07:00

that i jst don't possess anymore. I've been patient for so long over so
many things im jst anxious all the time, and waiting for things makes me
agitated. at this point right now in my life i feel as though im a hop,
skip, and jump away from losing my mind. I've been patient, I've been
praying, I've been hopeful, I've tried to stay strong..and I've even
made some changes yet somehow i don't feel like I've completed all the
changes i need to make. i feel lost and alone, uncared about, unloved,
jst deserted to say the least. maybe i sabotaged myself by always
building up walls around myself for time to jst figure things out alone
bt now when i need people to be there so that i can jst be happy and try
to enjoy life and not focus on the negatives, no ones present. i don't
have any friends..i do but nt the kind of friends i want..not like hs
friends..you know those ppl tht were always there no matter what..when
you were inseperable, that's non existant now. i dnt think i have a
bestfriend. my ex was my bestfriend and that's possibly one of the
biggest mistakes I think i ever made and im learning that the hard way.
i think our relationship sustained so many damages it might nt be able
to be salvaged the way i wanted...and im slightly devasted by this bc i
tried so hard over the past month to accept the way things are and push
myfeelings to the side and realize i deserve better and someone who
wants to be w. me so that i could stop interfering w. his happiness and
relationship and focus on my own..nonetheless our "we tell each other
everything" relationship is obsolete . he doesn't tlk to me about his
relationship bc he says he doesn't feel comfortable and i guess thts
understandable considering me and his gf dnt have the greatest history
bt tht doesn't mean i dnt care or wanna listen if he needed that..he
doesn't really tlk to me about anything anymore...it jst hurts knowing
he's keeping his life from me now. our convos dnt feel the same and he
told me dnt trip it jst takes time bt i dnt think i have anymore time to
give. sometimes i think id rather jst let the relationship go
period...and it pisses me off bc everytime i tell myself i am and we go
a few days w.out talking he never fails to hmu and instead of jst
ignoring him i eat it up and we go back to laughing and talking. i can't
even call him my bestf anymore, i jst don't feel close anymore and i cnt
help bt wonder if its bc of the sht i put us through these last few
months not being able to let go or jst him pulling back bc he knows if
we keep our relationship the same its gonna result in flirting and back
into the same retarded circle we've been around a billion times. its
hard for me to let go of this friendship though, i feel like if i let it
go i wont have anybody left that really cares about me bt tht doesn't
really matter bc he's not around much lately anyways...i know he has his
own life&issues and he can't always be my pillow but he's jst that
person thts always been there for so long. i know i can stand alone bt i
jst don't wanna always BE alone. i don't wanna lose everything weve
built, all the history..no one knows me more or better than him.. ugh,
im trying nt to cry bt im jst so upset. i know that everything in life
changes and im okay with that bt this is one of those things i never
thought i lose. i lost our love and relationship but the friendship
too??! im jst overwhelmed. and i dnt really wanna complain to him about
it bc to me it jst comes off as something else im unsatisfied with to
annoy him as if i haven't complained enough over the last half a year :(
i know id be okay if i jst had someone else in my life to keep me
occupied..someone to give me those extra smiles bt i don't and it makes
things so much harder than i want. im tired of talking about the same
ass shit . i jst want things to go right. i don't wanna lose his
friendship bt the way things are going i think i have to face the fact i
might..even worse, i may lose the most cherished friendship and last
bestfriend i may possibly have .

new day...same me. --just wiser.

2010-08-18T03:46:00.001-07:00

i took a break from blogging, people in my life, sociaizing, basically
jst shut myself away from the world..partly by choice and partly bc i
don't have anyone left. this time has been both enlightening and
emotionally frustrating. I've took the time to get to know Myself better
mentally, physically, spiritually, and I've attempted multiple times
emotionally yet i haven't completely conquered it. im close tho! i think
i moreso avoid it at this point. I've confronted the reality of things
so many times and although the pain gets weaker it never goes away...my
heart still makes tht funny feeling between racing and skipping beats
when i think of him, its crazy. exhausting. I've jst convinced myself i
can't do it anymore. i can't allow myself to care, to feel, to love
anymore bc i can't force myself to stop and freely letting myself do it
has the same effects. holding on feels almost as bad as letting go.

for the most part im happy. im not where i wanna be yet but i know im on
my way..they say life is about learning what and what not to do and
that's basically all I've gone over about a bazillion times in my mind.
all the things i did/didn't do. all the things he did/didn't do. all the
things tht could've been/used to be that aren't. the things i want and
the things that are. but you know i can spend minutes,hrs, days, weeks,
and months going over it but i can't go back in time. this is what it is
and something that i can't and never could control, accepting that is my
biggest hurdle. i don't want to feel the pain but i resort back to open
sores bc they never become scars. and i blame no one but myself...my
heart makes things so much more difficult than they need to be. i can
tell myself a millionnnn times let it go. let it go. let it go. move on,
be happy. he's happy, he wants yu to be happy. it jst wasn't meant to
be. ect. ect. ect. BUT my heart jst wont accept it. and I've taken the
time to try to understand why and the only thing i can come up with is
that i can't accept that i genuinely trusted and believed someone (that
never lied to me) and how fast everything that was once truth became
lies when love wasnt in the same place anymore....it feels like it
happened so fast bt it changed over months and i think of how i helped
to sabotage myself bt none of tht even matters. im not mad anymore bt i
know im still hurt bc whenever we talk i end up going back to something
we've already discussed. i don't mean to but emotions are
uncontrollable...i really regret a lot of things over these past few
months. things I've allowed myself to do. to accept. looking back on how
i let insecurities interfere and eat away at something that meant the
world to me. i don't regret our relationship. i just miss what we had.
the chemistry still exists, the situation jst isn't the same. so many
mistakes, pain, resentment and misunderstandings have buried what used
to exist and i feel like all the reasons we fell in love got lost. we
both agreed we wanted to start over jst forget everything and start our
friendship over and it worked for about 3days mutual feelings were
coming back then i let myself ruin that bc it wasn't the right time
...we can't start over and forget everything in the middle of something
that isn't finished. ill never understand how deep my love runs..he
probably wont either. ill never understand why im still in love..why i
can't let go, but I've jst accepted it and now I've settled w. avoiding
it bc idk how else to deal w. it. i jst hope that one day i can look
back on all of this and know it was for the best. maybe things will get
better, maybe they wont. but i wont try to force love to leave where its
been living. if it wont leave on its own then maybe that means its where
its supposed to be...it'll jst stay dormant until someone comes along
and wakes it back up.

be be soon !

2010-08-02T03:26:00.001-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that i can never write enough or update you
all enough for ppl to just idk, understand i guess. i know people are
gonna have their own opinions or judgements bc that's what ppl do, and
I've put enough of my life out there to be given opinions about
nonetheless I've never cared much for opinions or judgements bc no one
knows exactly what i feel or what i been/go thru. its been a hell of a
rollercoaster ride bt i cnt even update you guys on what's been going on
this past week. but i can say that im happy. i can say that i don't hurt
. i can say tht me and james have had plenty of long talks and have
agreed to start over. not in a relationship as in being together bt just
being able to love each other enough to be able to forgive and move
forward. im content with this so i dnt need anyone to shit on my shine .
im the only person in the relationship tht knows 100 percent of
everything thts happened. i share a lot bt i cnt share everything bc its
entirely too much to share . he's not a bad person, never has been. jst
young and growing and thts something I've always known and respected. im
still young and growing myself. but i jst feel like i need to take a
break on blogging jst to pull my life together and see things in a
different light. ill still post sparatically:) and im still reading my
fav blogs!! so ill be around :) i love you guys , ttyw.

2010-07-26T23:50:00.001-07:00

im trying really hard to find this place im searching for...this place
of comfort. where i don't feel any pain or care about what happened or
the reality of things. smh. I've dug myself in a deep hole i can't crawl
out of . i keep telling myself to let go bt i think im afraid that if i
do i wont find love again..it isn't true but its a comfort im accustomed
to. its been 7 months and i still wish things weren't over. going over
what caused the relationship to fail, helps me to understand what not to
do next time but also makes me regret not paying attention to what i
should've done to not lose what i had. losing love is the most
emotionally draining thing that can ever happen to you besides someone
you love dying. i messed up so bad believing sht would never end...smh.
i feel so naiive. foolish. i feel like im either gonna go crazy or never
stop hurting bc i wanna let go of the man i love but i wanna hold on to
the bestfriend i have...the problem is they're the same person. i can't
be friends without being emotionally attached . its like do i let it all
go? or do i jst deal w. it everyday til someone new comes along? i feel
like everything was together in my life for achange and right now
everything is back apart. smh. i got a brand new lease on life last week
and i said i wasn't gonna cry anymore. and i guess that didn't work ...i
keep thinking im at that fed up point and my mind keeps playing tricks
on me bc i step back into the hole i jst left as soon as i smile again.
and i can smile all day long. and cry myself to sleep at the end of the
day bc it aint nobody but jst me . i get so mad at my two relationships
before this one bc maybe if i was treated right and wasn't shaped into
the way i was i wouldnt have been so scared to lose love that i
indirectly lost it bc i never stood up for how i felt. ...i wish god
would just send someone to me to change my life bc right now nothings
helping. all i want is my love back, i don't understand what's so hard
abt that:(

248am.

2010-07-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

i felt like drinking my sadness away earlier bc im jst tired of all the
ups and downs..it succeeded for about as long as i was out til i made it
back to my bed. im upset. i feel like i never get the chance to heal w/o
something else adding on to what's already been bruised. i feel like ill
never get the oppurtunity to say how i really feel and actually be
heard. i feel like I've jst been used and abused for months now. lied
to and taken advantage of. if i could understand the concept of why its
so hard for me to let go of this love i would be so grateful. deep down
inside i know it'll never be like it was. idk why i still wish for it.
but somewhere in my broken blinded heart i wanna believe that the love
is still there....i mean it is...bt never like it used to be. they say
the hardest thing is to watch the one yu love love somebody else and
I've watched it for so long id like to think idc anymore but it still
bothers me. it still affects me....still hurts me. i never thought id be
in a relationship where id be the only one in love. he told me a few
days ago that he is still in love with me and that means practically
nothing bc the situation still stands as it is. what does that mean
anymore? your still in love with both of us? and still holding on to me
while your with someone else....can i live? in some ways i wish he never
even told me that bc it jst made me start to wonder why he did...and
then hope set in. when its really nothing to hope for. i have to keep
coming to this realization that she's the one he wants. but he tells me
im the one he needs. WTF DOES THT MEAN when yu still want what you
want?? he says he's nt playing w. my ♥ bt it is. he knows how i feel.
im unsure how he feels but all i have to do is read his actions. but
then again they're constantly contradicting each other . i wanna love
him so bad that i don't even wanna love him anymore bc it causes me so
much pain tryna fight for something I've already lost. and i can't
really be mad at anyone but myself bc i know i need to let it go but i
always let him back in somehow. i feel like i need to find tht someone
to help guide me away...bt im scared to trust someone that much again.
they pull you in then they leave yu stuck . you give em everything you
have. all your love , your trust, your ♥ and they take it when they
want it then they leave you sitting there empty and broken while they
find someone else . every single person I've ever given my ♥ to has
done the same exact thing. they lied and they left. how am i ever
supposed to be the woman i used to be if i keep getting damaged over and
over? how do i fix my trust? how do i fix my ♥? i let him fix my
heart. i gave it to him and he gave it back bc "i deserve someone better
and he doesn't deserve me" but that's so unfair ! why can't that be MY
decision? why can't i decide what's best for me?? im not stupid, i know
what's for me and what's not. sometimes i feel like that's jst an excuse
he used to try to push me away to make it easier for him to stray...wht
kind of girl do i have to be for me to deserve him?? i mean who's to say
anyone "deserves" anyone else? who makes that decision? i hate coming
back to this place everytime i get hurt. i hate that i have to cry into
a pillow bc there's nobdy to listen or even care. im pretty sure
everyone who reads my blog is tired of hearing the same ass sob story bc
im the only one putting up with it. but i can't be the only girl in the
world that's ever loved thiss hard :'( im so mad at myself for letting
myself fall so hard that im too weak to get back up and walk away. i
start walking and then he comes back and i cnt leave :'( and i jst keep
hurting myself over and over again bc i keep letting him back in knowing
he's nt coming back for me. and it breaks my heart again . and i end up
crying bc i let myself be in love again when i should really be in hate.
i can't figure out if im weak or jst plain stupid that i would be the
happiest person in the world to jst start our relationship all over
again. to jst forgive and forget and move forward. is that real love or
jst idiocracy? you would think love actually made a difference , bt it
doesn't. its jst a word at this point. yu can't make anyone love you the
way you wanna be loved. i jst wanna go back:'( i would give anything jst
to go back to may 21st and have that happiness and completeness back. i
jst wanna go back. before the complications, and hurt, and other people.
i jst want us. i want out love back :'( and i can't get it backk to how
it used to be and that hurts more than anything .
after all this , maybe i shouldn't want his love anymore. maybe he
doesn't deserve a love as loyal and genuine as mine. but idk what anyone
elses love is like...i don't want anyone elses. and im too scared to let
someone else love me bc I've been pushed over so many times jst by
giving my love to someone i thought deserved it...there's nothing in the
world i miss more than love. i can't get that feeling back and its
devastating to know someone else is enjoying what i used to get . did i
really deserve to lose that?what makes me not deserving of love? all i
want is to be loved. why can't i keep that? :'( i been crying the whole
post so i know its time to go to bed smh gn.

july 16th .

2010-07-16T02:03:00.001-07:00

its been so much going on that i don't even have the energy to recap. i
apologize but talking about my life and love life are jst tiring at this
point bc its always up and down . things started to look up for a moment
then i let my emotions get the best of me (as usual). i give up. if its
meant to be then ill let god make it happen. im moving on w. life. I've
been job searching which is like looking for the damn devil in this heat
but i gotta stay focused ...i neeeedsss moneeyyyyy lol. i haven't talked
to james in about 3 days. feels like forever ...im okay tho, I've come
to the point where i think he's more of what i want than what i need.
meaning i could live w/o him , he's not necessary to live but i don't
wnna lose him out my life . its going on two years in another month
soooo yea . idk . i miss him but whatever , i hope he's taking the time
he needs for hisself to put things into perspective . i wish him the
best tho...no need to hate jst bc things didn't work out the way i
wanted. life is what it is . you win some , lose some , and never get
none . lol basically. im ready for whatever God has in store for me .
hopefully great things :) i can feel it . i wanna start going back to
church too , i need to make a reconnection w. him cus i mean i still
pray but i think i need to hear some of the word from time to time jst
for better spirits . I've never been really religious so im nt fenna act
holier than thou bt its time for something new :) anyways . im fenna try
to go to bed its 2am ...and sleepless nights haven't been anything
foriegn lately :/ rest in peace to all my loved ones I've lost ..esp B
jst cus i was talking abt him earlier . suuuuwwoooooop! for old times
sake lol. ily. Gn all !!

july 10th .

2010-07-10T04:10:00.001-07:00

well its 4am and i jst got home about 30-40 mins ago. i went out w. ms.
daja [ www.sincerelydaja.com ] and some of her friends and enjoyed
myself and the company :) i have to admit im really enjoying vegas for
the most part lol. i was startin to get tired of all the attention tho
lol, well maybe it wouldnt have been so bad if they were a tad bit cuter
! but if one more guy asked me to have their bby i was gonna scream
lmbo. but im glad to know i still got it 8-) im tired so ima about to
hit tha sack , bb soon ! gn .

july 9th .

2010-07-09T01:21:00.001-07:00

im jst laying here staring at the ceiling listening to music and reading
blogs in between. i finally came to the conclusion i jst need to give
myself the time to move along..i loved now its time to let go. things
never go as iwant them to so i guess i can't be disappointed. im jst idk
emotionless i guess. love gives me a headache and liars give me a
migrane. i was reading back through my posts and sometimes it makes me
cringe at how much i swear lol. i have the mouth of a redneck sailor -_-
...swearing has always been my worst habit . i really need to work on it
bc i hate how ignorant it sounds after tha fact. i mean when im saying
it im usually upset so it fits but when i go back im like o.O well dang
! lol. soooo im going to try to cut out all my favorite swear words...i
don't really know what to blog about now that im not in a relationship
..my blogs are always based on my emotions and what im going through
...im pretty fed upp. the result is im the girl wale is talking about in
diary and this blog is my diary lol. NO LIE. ill be okay tho, I've cried
about 9172974392718639293 times i don't even know how i can still
cry..bt im doing good im jst focusing on being happy and moving ahead..
i need to start my job search monday. i need to get in my dads ass cus
he still hasn't sent me my fkn birthcertificate so i can get my nv l's
and register my expired fkn tags >:o lol. i have to call csn tmw and see
if they received my transcripts and application since they can't email
me back w. any notification smh. i still feel good about this move to
las vegas...i jst want this to be beneficial..i hope when school starts
i meet some friends.they have alooot of ratchets out here lol..like a
lot. its like never leaving moval lol...but worse. on a more positve
note I've seen some cute faces and some not so cute faces lol. hopefully
the more i get out the more ill be exposed to bumping into someone to
possibly be interested in and take me out on a datee :) i wish i could
talk on tha phone right now! im jst bored....whatever . im gonna try to
go to bed..gn .

:/

2010-07-08T01:39:00.001-07:00

i miss being in love :'( . i can't connect to niggas anymore.
conversation is boring. i miss feeling a certain way. i miss feeling
loved. i miss actually believing what's being said . i miss being in a
relationship . and idk why cus they don't lead anywhere ....i jst miss
the feeling . i hope i meet someone worth my time that actually wants to
be with me ...

july 7th , 201O.

2010-07-07T23:57:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to recollect myself and my heart lately, i spent last
night and this morning trying to get everything off my chest to james
jst trying to get everything off so i can say its nothing left unsaid.
it kind of helped bt not really. he said he needs to give me more time
bc he knows im not ready or healed and that's something i know but i
asked him i mean how do you tell yourself to fall outta love? that's the
hardest thing bc you can't control emotions that's something that's
uncontrollable but i can't say im not trying. i can talk about it
without crying now. i jst get pissed off lol. i don't wanna get mad
though, that's something i have no control over you know.. im jst takin
it one day at a time.

im still trying to figure out why i even still care abt him when there's
about a million niggas that wish they could have me or be with me. for
example someone i don't like bt let give me head called me tonite and i
wasn't gonna answer bt i didn't kno who's number it was so i answered
and guess who it was? yep , him. so he's like where have you been ?! i
thought i was never gonna tlk to you again blah blah blah. so he asked
for my facebook and this nigga added me in abt 2.3 seconds lol no lie.
then left me a comment tlkin bout im his cup of tea and when i get back
im his lol even had tha audacity to say he was glad he ate me out
hahahaha i was like -_-. hahahhaa guys are crzy but its funny . i enjoy
this attention. too bad i can't take anything he says seriously . he's
not anybody i could take or wanna take seriously . lol bt ill take the
entertainment ...

anyways there was a main purpose for this blog bt im on tha phone and
textin so i cnt focus ill repost later.

ps - todays brandons 1 month anniversary since he passed :( i miss him
man , ily cuhkzo.

betrayal vs love.

2010-07-05T18:14:00.001-07:00

"Betrayal is something you should never be forgiven for . Point blank
period . Because it is the intentional deceiving of a persons trust and
loyalty in you . Love IS loyalty . This is something nobody can debate
with me on because my mind is pretty much made up . "

my oldschool Bby Love wrote that. i fkn love his frame of mind ! i hope
i find a man that intellectual , its so sexy to me lol i used to always
tell hiim that when we'd have our conversations lol. bt
anywaysssss...tha whole reason i posted that was because that's the same
way i feel about love . I've ALWAYS been a loyal lover yet im always the
one that's betrayed. and its funny bc i always forgive them, but that's
only bc that's what the bible says. but even though i forgive i never
forget. the trust never stays the same. its hard to continue to wanna
stay loyal to people after youve been betrayed by practically everyone
youve ever given your heart to...so what's the solution to that
dilemma?? trust no one. don't sacrifice your heart to anyone. and
protect your own.

day 3.

2010-07-05T17:29:00.001-07:00

well .. i enjoyed my 4th of july yesterdayy , i hit up 2 bbq`s thenn
watchedd a firework showw then hit tha strip w. my friend & her bf. i
was sooo tired by tha time i got home which was prolly abt 4am lol. it
was soooooooo many niggas trynaa holla when i was out lol, bt i was like
nahhhh im nt fenna start this right now lol. but im definately fenna
kill off over half of these vegas females cus idk where tha bad ones is
at bt they aren't much competition lol. im fenna find me a new boo :) or
a couple lol. ima prolly go to tha club this weekend and see wht it do .
im excited ...im nt really lookin into any serious relationships right
now cus i know im still in a healing process buuuut fk tht process my
hearts practically made of stone at this point lol. blah blah blah . im
so irritated talkin about tht shit. it jst pisses me off how i got
played lol. i jst wanna go off on everybody involved BUT its over so fk
it . on to tha next ...i didn't deserve what i got and karmas a real
bitch so i wish they relationship tha best . i got errands to runn soo ,
ill bb eventually .

day one - july 4th, 2010.

2010-07-04T02:26:00.001-07:00

well tnite's my first nite in vegas ..nothings changed bc i still cnt
sleep so im jst up thinkin , watching tv...the drive went good except i
kept nodding out -_- like how tf do yu nod out while driving?? and like
i was trying so hard to stay awake smh. but we made it safe, it only
took us abt 2 and a half hrs to unpack tha truck so tht was reeeally
good for this weather lol. i didn't even get tht blk :) it was nice
seein my fam, right now im at my aunts house bc i wanted to sleep in a
bed after all tht work and she's giving me tha bed in her guest bedroom
! :) im sooo happy i dnt have to buy a mattress now lol. and this bed is
soo bomb, i cnt wait to fall asleep!...bt i cnt..maybe i need to jst put
my headphones in and sing til i fall...i jst have a lot of thoughts ,
about random things...im confident about this transition hopefully i
find a job bc i really want and need one.. now that im in vegas i dnt
really care tht ppl actin brand new simply bc im hundreds of miles away
now like oh well. i miss certain people. no names...i tlkd to james
today.. he tld me one of his homies was murdered and i feel horrible. he
was only 18! that's still a baby smfh. im so upset at what the world is
like, how do people jst kill people for unnecessary reasons? the only
way i think murder is ever justifiable is in self defense of defense for
another ... like no one should choose or wish death upon anyone elses
life except god. im worried abt him emotionally i wanted to be there
more ,bt i didn't really kno what to say..i wanted to jump back into the
"bby" mode bt i had to catch myself. everytime something emotionally
stressful happens i find myself callin or wanting to call him babe or
bby. i tlkd to him bt i jst told him id give him his space and im here
if he needs me and he knws tht...i hope he's okay tho, he's been going
thru a lot lately so i hope he stays focused and strong..bt yeaa i need
to get some sleep , im sure ill be getting into something tmw, happy
july 4th loves, gn .

viva las vegas ! :)

2010-07-03T00:17:00.001-07:00

soooo , today was sooo exhausting ! i worked 12 hrs off 3 hrs off fkn
sleep n im still up . so we were supposed to rest and leave to vegas @
12 bt NOW we leavin at 4am . that's in 4 hrs bt im ready to gooo lol. it
don't matter i need some sleep cus tha min we get there we gotta unpack
tht damn truck . after i unpack ima be knoooooocked ! lol. i hope i find
something to do for thha 4th ..my aunts havin a bbq i think bt i wanna
go out lol. see what's out there lol. if i don't its cool...they'll be
other days . but YEA, im sleepy . ill bb when i touch down :) gn .

irony .

2010-07-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

its 435 in tha mornin , i need to wake up in 4 hrs bt this wale song
came on while im tryna fall asleep and my eyes popped wide open...
i always liked diary since the first time i heard it cus i love marsha
ambrosius but FK! this sht is like the story of my life now . lol. i
hate when songs always remind me of something . this song used to make
me smile bt now its jst ironic...songs are really the only thing tht
been keepin me focused lately. idk what id do w/o music. bt yeaa , i
hope i find someone like wale ..jst w. tht mindframe that has the heart
to attempt to be patient w. me after everything i been through. ill be
alright its jst gonna take some time. w. that said gn , ill bbs.

resentment.

2010-07-01T20:38:00.001-07:00

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright
But now everything you told me really don't apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me
Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I haven't tried to forget this
But I'm much too full of resentment
I may never understand why
I'm doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forget this
I'm much too full of resentment
I'll always remember feeling like I was no good
Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could
And it's all because you lied

Loved you more than ever
More than my own life
The best part of me I gave you
It was sacrificed
And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time
'Cause I can't go on and pretend like
I tried and I tried to forget this
But I'm too damn full of resentment
I know she was attractive but I was here first
Been ridin' with you for two years why did I deserve
To be treated this way by you?
I know your probably thinking what's up with jelliee?
I been crying for too long what did you do to me?
I used to be so strong but now you took my soul
I'm crying cant stop crying cant stop crying
You could of told me that you wasn't happy
I know you didn't wanna hurt me
But look what you done-done to me now
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she's had half of me
How could you lie ??

july 1st, 2010 .

2010-07-01T20:30:00.001-07:00

its sort of annoying that i can spend so much time trying to make
decisions that should be made in the blink of an eye. im emotionally
drained, and sometimes i feel like i need a friend and other times i
don't. i had to choose btwn keeping james in my life as a friend or
letting everything go yesterday. and i attempted to let go bt instantly
broke down bc that's the only person in my life that actually attempts
to try to stay in it. and it helped me fall asleep knowing i wasn't
alone last night, it was alright thinking about spending time together
as friends after i get to vegas but im still unsure. everytime i talk to
him all the pain subsides bt then it all comes back and thinking of him
makes my heart ache. i let myself go through this over n over bc i begin
letting go then when he comes back i let him back in even tho i tell
myself im not. i can't heal frm what i feel. jst knowing he's in love
with someone else and not me makes me so angry, upset, full of so many
emotions and i can't do anything about it. im trying to convince myself
it'll get better w. time...like after i see him and i adapt to being
friends it'll get easier ...but idk how to jst be a friend, I've had
that problem for tha past 6 months since we broke up. longer than that.
damn. we haven't been together in 6 months..it doesn't even seem that
long. bc on & off whether were official or nt our relationship never
changed up until tha last 3 months or so. ughhhhhhhhhh . i fkn hate this
. i hate how our relationship ended up like this. i hate feeling like i
got gipped out of my own love. i hate feeling like he loves her more
than he did me. he doesn't agree but his actions jst speak so many
volumes tht he doesn't see...how do yu keep loving someone that broke
your heart? does that make me weak or desperate...smh. its upsetting. i
pump myself up like i dnt need him and i don't . i knw i dnt need him
but the comfort of his presence is immaculate. like its goin on two
years...and he's been makin me smile everyday since tha day i met him :(
i wish i could go back to being that girl i was when we met ..so full of
love and optimism. i got my heart hurt back to back and im more
heartbroken then ready to love. i still have the ability to love , im
jst scared to. i wish i knew how not to love so hard ...i guess ill work
on that. either way, idk where this relationship/friendship of ours is
headed . i guess ill leave him alone like i intended. his relationship
is more impt than our friendship to him so he can have that. i don't
wanna keep fighting over things i can't change or have no control over.
i jst wanna stop hurting. ill give this friendship a few weeks jst to
see if i can handle it, if the pain will fade ..but i know it wont..ill
jst end up suppressing it like i do everything else. i jst wanna be
happy again without my heartbreaking everytime i see someone in love or
hear the name james. i wanna get over it and move on like he did, cus im
the only one still trying to hold on to something nonexistant. i wanna
believe everything tht was once told to me . but those are jst fantasies
now bc they'll never come true. well i can't say never but i would nvr
get my hopes up on him ever picking my heart back up. i guess i lived
and i learned love & heartbreak the hardheaded way. better luck next
time .

2010-07-01T00:19:00.001-07:00

i try to be so strong bt the minute love lost came on i broke down like
a baby...trey never lied when he said your whole worlds thrown off.
like everything i once believed in i don't anymore. and im sittin here
cryin like a bby and i dnt even have anyone to say its gonna be okay. i
dnt any shoulders to cry on, no people to run to . jst tears in my
pillow. i dnt understand how the same thing can make me cry so many
tears. no one ever said this would be the repercussion on giving your
heart away. no one ever said jst cus yu give it away doesn't mean tht
persons gonna keep it. no one ever said it was gonna hurt for weeks and
weeks. i feel like such a crybaby. and nobdy even cares. the worst part
abt it all is tht im alone. i have to go thru everything alone. i wish i
jst had someone to tell me nt to cry ... cus when i tell myself i cry
harder. ...ig2g

loveless .

2010-06-30T23:53:00.001-07:00

"i know that i love you but let me jst say, i don't wanna love you in no
kind of way. no, i don't wanna broken heart. i don't wanna be the
brokenhearted girl..noo, noo"

tht song is on repeat in my head. im past my limit . idc anymore, i jst
don't. i don't feel loved anymore... i can't even love him anymore.
what's the point? we can't even be friends bc of this new relationship.
wht am i loving him for? someone already took that position, now we cnt
even be friends !?? whts the point of loving or caring? the relationship
no longer has any meaning. im numb. i can't cry, i cnt be mad, can't be
sad. i jst don't care anymore. its like whatever to fkn everything. i
don't wanna be in love anymore and idc if anyone ever loves me again in
life. love is like a disease tht jst cripples yu. its all great gets you
all high , then when tha high is gone yu hit rock bottom and the pain
jst fks yu up all over. i mean i cnt dwell upon wtf went wrong bt i
loved entirely too hard to end up with nothing. i know i fkd up bt not t
h a t bad ! not to deserve this. how tf am i ever supposed to trust
someone tell me they love me when someone tht i trusted more than
anybody i know, tht loved me first, and i believed loved me jst as much
as i did them fell out and now nothings the same? i don't care if im
ever in another realtionship again if thts what it takes to protect my
heart cus ill never let another person break it again. im not bitter, i
jst dnt care anymore. everytime i think im in love i get hurt. its jst
old now . im not dealin anymore. and im stuck w. either dealin w. niggas
that only wanna fk pretty girls or being stuck friends w. people i like
bc they don't wanna ruin tha friendship. ooh weeelll.

i wish i had a friend right now. i don't have anyone. guess its jst me &
god left. cus people sure don't last long . my stomach is in knots frm
holdin in all the emotion bt i cnt even cry. tears dnt do sht bt make yu
more emotionally exhausted and don't solve shit. so, yea . ill be on my
way now. i trust no one and nothing . everythings deceiving. ill keep
myself satisfied one day at a time & stay true to myself cus im always
gonna be the only person that wont disappoint my feelings or my ♥. i
guess the only person i can love is me. gn.

smfh .

2010-06-30T19:32:00.001-07:00

and jst that fast that happy aspect flew out tha window .

fk everybody . im doinn meeeeeeeeee !

:)

2010-06-29T17:24:00.001-07:00

im happy right now lol , like all smiles and it feels soo good bt im
scared to enjoy this bc something never fails to snatch it all away . im
jst trying to enjoy this for what its worth. no thinking or wondering bc
the minute you start trying to come up with ways to keep that happiness
is the same minute it ends. but im happy right now. i cnt figure out
what's stronger my heart or my mind bc my heart can feel so complete
when it was jst so broken ...or maybe my mind jst believes what it wants
and convinces my heart to follow . eitherr wayyyyyyy lol. i cnt trust my
heart or my mind right now, i can only trust how i feel...and when it
feels right even though i know its wrong...i know that's a sign i need
it ....i think .

um.

2010-06-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

im trying really hard to be okay . not be sad. not cry. bt being all by
myself is hard. i dnt have friends so its hard to keep myself busy. I've
been packing stuff and everything but that still leaves my mind open to
think....im upset still . my ♥ still hurts , i wish i never gave it
away now. i don't wanna go through this anymore it gets easier bt tha
pain never really goes away . its hard to accept that someone all of a
sudden doesn't love you anymore. its hard on me period bc that was like
the best thing tht ever happened to me i don't have tht anymore or my
bestfriend :( my eye keeps dropping tears lol. i jst really wish i could
forget everything. i can't even cherish our good memories the way i used
to bc i jst wanna cry bc we were so happy and i wonder how i fkd up
things so bad tht i made him fall outta love . am i that bad? why can't
anyone love me :( im really like heartbroken. im really trying to nt cry
or dwell on things bt its hard to try to force my ♥ to heal bc the
pain doesn't go away. i don't wanna be bitter or scared . bt i can't
love again, im scared to death. how am i supposed to know someone really
loves me ? i thought i found someone tht loved me to death. through
everything bad and good...im fenna fkn start cryin again . i can't keep
tryna hold back tears bc i dnt wanna cry about this everytime i try to
be okay. how was i wrong ? i believed everything he ever told me bt none
of that means anything anymore bc the choice he made contradicted it
all. all i can do is work on my attitude and being a more positive
person ..i never wanna lose love bc of me anymore it weighs sooo heavy
on me. whatever man , i really hope im healed by next month sometime cus
i don't wanna deal w. this anymore. i don't wanna deal with anything
anymore .

in my opinion ,

2010-06-28T04:03:00.001-07:00

I've come to the realization ALL niggas are the same. i used to think
differently bt over these past couple of weeks w. no emotions, or love
or any bullshit of that nature to blind me, im startin to see things for
what they are...people tend to wonder why girls act like bitches and ima
say that: A. bc they choose to be or B. they turned tht way frm being
hurt too many times or C. both ....like i know i act like a btch
sometimes bt im really abt to become a REAL bitch . like i know that my
rudeness is a defense mechanism i now have frm being ran over too many
times by being little miss nice all the time, and i still find myself
doing overly nice shit and still gettin ran tf over . i hate it !!! like
man .im jst fed up . like do i really deserve the way i get treated?? do
i??? i mean forreal!? smh, it makes no sense. doesn't matter if im nice
or if im mean, i always get played in some way. i fkn hate people. i
hate males. and then they wonder why about 75% of all females are bi now
smh . im like what's really the point in trying to be genuine in a
relationship anymore? cus im prolly one of the few genuine ppl left tht
dnt care abt shit like cars nd money but nahhhhhhhhh , im fenna be on
tha same sht as everybdy else for now on ..simply trickin niggas . i
can't love these niggas, they don't fkn deserve it ...its like every man
for hisself, they dnt gaf about yo feelins, wht yu got, what yu goin
thru. its jst all about if yu wanna fk or nt . if yu nt tryin too they
put yu to tha side cus yur not beneficial to them. then if yu wanna fk
its like ima fk her then put her back to tha side cus i can find a new
bitch to fk. whaaat in thee fuck kinda cycle is tht? niggas do anything
for a nut its fkn sad. i swear i hate niggas i jst dnt hate them enough
to start fkn w. females. it really jst sucks tht yu have to be by
yourself all tha time because nobodys worth your damn time. im really
jst about to delete everybody off everything likee what's the point?
everythings limited. they cool for tha amount of time you need them or
they need you then everythings abolished. im really clueless about some
people bc they're like devils in disguise. they jst go bad on yu with no
warning for no reason. its jst exhausting. I've come to the conclusion
that i care about the wrong people. i fall in love with the wrong
people. bc none of those people care about me , and all those people
fall out of love with me . maybe im jst not loveable or some shit idk ,
im really starting nt to care lol. i waste entirely too much energy
trying to keep love and friendship . fuck it all. all i want is my money
and my education. fuck marriage , fuck kids . i dnt want none of that bc
i can't see myself finding someone worth sharing that with. i thought i
found the perfect person but i was wrong . same shit in a different
light. but anywho im jst blabbing now . i said what i had to .... so
goodnight .

i finally broke down ...

2010-06-28T03:40:00.001-07:00

i started off cryin cus i was thinkin about how much i miss my cuhkzo
cus he always popped up at times like this. he always listened to me
vent and never judged me and he always had somethin to say to make me
feel better . always looked out for me man , even frm the beginning smh
. he always tried to warn me before things went bad .. and even tho
james asked him to be there that whole time he was in jail, i
appreciated tf outta that. bc he didn't have to check on me everyday bt
he did and idk wht i wouldve done if he didn't keep me company tht
entire month . im sooo fkn madd !! why they have to do him like that :'(
i can't stop cryinn ...and i can't figure out if its cus now james is
gone too. and im gonna assume so cus typin tht jst made me start all
over:'(......i cnt type hldon.

man, ima miss b. i know him nd james bumped heads a lot bt even when me
& james wasn't together, brandon would always be like wassup cuhkzo!
lol. tht was my nigga man, we never argued in tha time we knew each
other all we did was laugh n tlk shit and even when one of us was down
we'd jst help each other out of it ...i dnt have anybody else like that
in my life . i dnt even have my best friend anymore...my play sis actin
brand new. regular friends actin brand new. i don't have anybody. but i
guess ill be alright. i was doin good nt cryin about my relationship bt
thinkin abt how i wish b was still here ...smh tht shit made me cry. he
may nt have been a saint and i cnt say if he was a good friend to
everyone bt he was a good one to me and i loved him for that. he didn't
deserve his life gettin taken frm him. i hate people. as for james...idk
how to feel, im over it and i was proud of myself for nt crying bt deep
down inside i think i have a lot of pain tht im jst afraid to touch. idk
how or when it'll go away bt hopefully i jst forget about it and keep
moving forward . i wish i could forget everything now cus the memories
hurt . our good memories make me cry bc now it reminds me of when he
still loved me . i wonder if he thinks of me . prolly not cus he's all
into his new love bt w.e . im trying to stay strong all by myself . im
my own support system . ill be okay ... god help me :(

i finally broke down ...

2010-06-27T15:21:00.000-07:00

:)

2010-06-27T13:52:00.001-07:00

i went out last night w. one of my exes and his bro to this afterparty
at this club in marina del rey on the pier ..it was so pretty ! but i
had fun lol. i was a lil iffy cus i dnt really care for goin out w. boys
cus i cnt have my lil grp of friends dancin w. me buuuuut i was tht bad
bitch by tha bar workin niggas ;) i seen my ex lookin lol i was laughin
in my head and his damn bro kept pullin me dancin w. me and tha its
funny cus he been tryna get at me on tha low, but i dnt do that tlk to
one nigga then move to the next family member that's triflin ...nt to
mention his bro aint cute lol. but it was nice chillinn w. my ex he was
flirtin and gon get mad cus all his homiess was askin who i was lmao .
when we got in tha car he gon say, " smh" ..i was like why yu shakin yo
head for?..he was like "cus yu ON!!"..i was like what yu didn't know??
he said "mann , everybody was on yu askin who yu were"..i said ha, and
what yu say 'my homegirl'...he was like nahh i told em yu was my ex and
theyy was likee awww damn!...i said "aw! hater!!" lmao!.....shit some of
them niggas was bomb :) i was tlkin to this tall liteskinn at tha bar bt
wasn't no point in canoodling since im movin on fridayy .. they asked me
to come w. them to the bet awards afterparty tnitee but i gotta do some
movin and washinn and im nt even fenna feel like puttin on some heels &
a dress after all that lol...so i guess i have to miss it . buuut it was
fun , too bad me and my ex always beefin otherwise i prolly woulda been
goin out w. him lol. oh well , im jst glad i enjoyed my last weekend out
here in california . i was considering havinn a lil late night special
w. myy ex for old times sake BUT i was like nahhhh lol i could tell he
wanted it especially after we danced cus his flirting w. me went up x10
lol. i wanted to have sex one more time before i move bc i know im about
to go back celibate for awhilee :/ but im nt fenna chase niggas for dick
smh and im nt puttin it out there to offer Sheeeit . so oh well i guess
my celibacy starts now lol. i enjoyed my last time tho :) hopefully my
nxt surpasses that . ugh , i dnt wanna have TOO HIGH hopes for vegas
buuuut i definately want it to be more enjoyable than this sht ! lol. i
got 2 months until skool starts sooo i guess i can kill off clubs in tha
meanwhile , hopefully i find that jooob... i hate hustlin in heat bt i
gotta do what needs to be done right? correct . but yeaa im fenna get up
and start bck w. this moving process *sigh* ill be back sooner than
later , gn !

its just me, myself, and i .

2010-06-26T15:38:00.001-07:00

well, its no secret friends have expiration dates just like most shit
but i didn't expect to lose practically everyone i socialize w. in the
same month. im not understanding what i did wrong but i guess . first i
lost my bestfriend. now the 2nd closest person to me faked on me today .
and everyone else i tlk to on the regular is jst plain actin funny since
im moving. i simply don't have the energy to try to find out why no one
wants to tlk to me anymore. it seems like everyones happy and talkative
when im goin thru some shit but when im happy and wanna be happy,
everyone wants to act brandnew. at this point im like whatever. yu come
in this world alone, and yu die alone ...life isn't supposed to be
lonely bt I've adapted. i guess i can't keep expecting much frm anyone
bc the only person that'll never disappoint is myself. i just want to
move and find a fkn job to keep myself occupied. im nt about to cry cus
i don't have friends, im jst lowkey upset that nobody in the world knows
how to be genuine anymore. people are jst fake for no reason. its always
competition its always talking behind someones back its always tryna fk
with someone elses man its always some bullshit . i dnt have time for
that. like what happened to havin someone to confide in that's always
there to pick yu up and make u smile? shits practically nonexistant and
i can't call it karma bc I've never been a bad friend to anyone, if i
dnt like yu im simply nt gonna speak to you im not about to smile and be
nice then tlk shit afterwards tht shits dumb. buuuuuut i guess that's
the way things go in 2010 lol.

in other news i was talkin to zahkeem this morning..yea yea i kno. and i
had asked wht made him fall outta love and he said he didn't remember bt
he knows it was bc i was too negative and sad and always focused on more
bad than good.... it kinda sucks cus i guess that's like the same reason
james left. only difference is i left zahkeem bc of his ignorance....its
jst a reality check , i wish i wouldve noticed how bad it was before i
lost people i loved. and i hate negative people but i never noticed i
was one of them :-/ but im nt negative about other people , i usually go
hard on myself...bt either way i guess that's not tha best trait .
ssooooo with that said I've been doin a lot of reflecting and im working
on seeing life and things in another perspective...im entirely way too
smart and pretty to focus on so many negative things. i wanna be happy
and so i am . im choosing to to say fuck everything and be happy. im
letting go of the past and starting over bc the only person that can
change me is me. and i wanna grow frm my mistakes...i don't wanna lose
another person i love over the same thing bc it jst hurts too bad to
feel like your giving everything to make it work but it never works
anyways...im doing really good tho ! im actually proud of myself. i
haven't been crying and im nt depressed either. i don't hurt anymore. i
can think about the situation and just accept it for what it is. i cnt
say im nt sad that i lost my ♥ in the process but this is my time to
grow. i jst hope i can find my ♥ again.

revelation ..

2010-06-24T23:18:00.001-07:00

i dnt even know where to start. me and james are done. like done done.
he finally told me he's nt in love w. me anymore :-/ and as much as it
hurt me to hear it, i kinda already knew that. i guess a womans
intuition is never wrong. i went through my sadness bt i didn't cry,
there's no point in being upset about something you can't control. we
both contributed to it but to me ill always feel like if i didn't always
try to make him stay by telling him ineeded him to live, and i was
gonna hurt myself when i thought he was gonna leave...i wouldnt have
scared him away. i can't say i lied bc i did feel like i wanted to die
when i felt he was gonna leave bc he means so much to me, bt i guess
that's being melodramatic bc i knew i could live w/o him...thing is i
was jst afraid to lose him. i lost him anyways so i guess icant start
with the shoulda, coulda, woulda's now that its over. i wish i knew that
i jst lost him bc i lost him and i didn't kno there was another girl he
loved in the equation that helped make it easier. i shoulda walked along
time ago so ill blame that on myself.

I've been thinking so much these past few days and im okay. i jst need
to stay strong and move forward, im only 21...i kno id rather give up
then keep pushing sometimes bt that's jst the devil fkn wit me. i have
to keep pushing cus i know there's something better. i told james i
hated him....but i don't, that was jst the only word i could think of
that could describe how much pain i felt. i haven't cried but writing
about this is making my eyes tear ughh. im jst idk. im healing slowly.
im tryna force my emotions away...i had sex with a boy i dnt even like
last night jst to feel affection frm somewhere and i was happy before,
during, and after i did it bc i felt like i had broken that loyalty i
always kept to james bt it didn't really solve anything bc im still
alone and no one cares abt what im going thru. i know i can't mask my
pain or heal the right way by trying to keep myself occupied with other
boys. to be honest i don't even have the ability to care abt a boy at
this point. i don't have the ability to trust them. i don't wanna be one
of those bitter girls, i wanna be able to move on and have other
relationships without being scared. but i doubt ill ever give my ♥
away like i did. i wont let myself love that hard again bc its jst too
hard to control the emotions that come along with being that vulnerable.
i wish i could tell him im sorry for the way i went off on him . but i
wish he would tell me he's sorry for telling me he was still in love
when i asked him was he falling out. i guess he couldn't jst straight
out tell me . idk, i can't sit and ask myself a millions questions tht i
dnt and wont ever get answers to. if he ever reads this he'll know im
sorry. i never wanted our last words to have so much hostility and hate.
well, actually my last words. his last words to me were "i DO love you
jellie and gn" . smh, loves crazy man. some people don't get any love at
all and im hurt bc he ONLY loves me bt isn't IN LOVE. its painful tho.
its not the same and if yu everbeen in love you know it isn't. but
nonetheless, im working on myself. i dnt feel like i have personal
issues or can't handle a relationship, i jst feel like I've been hurt so
many times that im scared to lose the person i care abt. and once again,
i lost them. im insecure bc i can't keep love. i push them away bc im
afraid to lose it and i dnt know how to properly express it . i guess
that's a lesson to learn...yu can't be afraid to lose love . i jst hate
the feeling that it leaves. life goes on though. im beautiful, im smart,
im funny . someone deserves me ...i jst need to make a better choice on
who deserves me . goodnight .

well ,

2010-06-22T01:59:00.001-07:00

im alright . im nt 100% happy but im workin on it . emotions go hard on
you . on me anyways ...im tired bt we got abt 9 days til we movin up out
this btchh & we haven't finished packinn ..so this week is gonna be
exhausting to say tha least ... bt im ready for a change , hopefully i
like this city tha way i want to ...everyone else does so im sure i
should...i jst want a job . money keeps anyone happy , especially me .
im goin up to my skool tmw to fix my resume` and apply for some jobs
after i request to have my transcripts sent off ...i know im avoiding
tlkn about my relationship bt i dnt really want to ...we talked . im
alright so i guess im moving along . i have a headachee . i didn't even
really feel like blogging bt i dnt like leaving off on a melodramtic
note. save your commentary on the previous posts . thanks .goodnight .

broken hearted girl.

2010-06-20T19:13:00.001-07:00

I've been layin in the same position for the past 4 hours. i cried til i
fell asleep, woke up and cried again bt i can't fall back asleep....how
many tears do you have to cry until it doesn't hurt anymore? how many
times do i have to make the same mistake until i learn im making the
wrong choice? what did i do so wrong that i deserve to get my heart
broken this many times??? i wish i could sit down and have a real heart
to heart w. God, cus the devil is riding my ass right now. i been
thinkin about dying for the past 2 hours. ways to die. how to die that
wont be hard on eveyone else. do i tell someone or do i leave a letter?
it really makes no difference. i have no one that cares . i don't wanna
be preached to . and i don't feel like being judged . i jst wanna stop
hurting. im crying bc i don't wanna keep hurting so much id rather be
dead. bt why do i constantly have to be in pain? why? what did i do sooo
wrong? why does this keep happening to me? whyyy. why do people that
don't care about life wanna die and have to force themselves to live .
bt people that love their life get it taken from them? this whole past
week has been about death. i figure yeaa people will be hurt if i die
but they'll be alright eventually. life goes on whether im alive or dead
. im upset that im in so much pain that i jst wanna die. i don't even
care about getting over it bc the shit is neverending. i jst wanna close
my eyes and die. and the only thing keeping me alive right now is
brandon telling me i don't want that and i feel it would be wrong to do
that when someone took that from him ... i swear to god i wish he was
still here to give me some advice on what to do...i guess i gotta take
it for what its worth . i never understood what "love is pain" really
meant until now. youve never experienced REAL pain until you've suffered
a broken heart. i feel so stupid. im mad at myself for giving so much
love away. for believing in love to solve everything. for trusting him
with my heart so many times. i know he's upset with me bc i prolly
pissed him off on his fathersday and him being able to see his son
...and i doapologize for that bc he deserved to enjoy today bc i know
he's been hurting ...but i cnt hold back these emotions. i wanna go
crazy and it takes everything inme to break myself down to jst crying
instead of being a woman with a scorned heart....i don't wanna put
myself out of character bc if i do die i don't wanna be remembered for
that. i wish i could say how i really felt but i don't have thestrength
to write all that without crying like a bby. i wanna close my eyes and
jst never wake up ...the best die with broken hearts anyways.

2010-06-19T01:27:00.000-07:00

i wish i could get back to that happy state of mind. i let it go , its
hard to get back. how can i be happy when im sad with and im sad
without? i need a blunt bt that would only make my anxiety worse. im
wondering what god still has in store for me to keep me motivated...to
keep pushing..i try my best to do my best. i go to school, i do good in
school. i don't wild out. i don't drink, i don't smoke anymore, i don't
have promiscuous sex...why don't i get anything i want?? why can't i be
blessed with something to keep me happy..why am i cursed with broken
hearts..my hearts been broken in every relationship I've ever been in
where i actually cared about someone, and so i start to wonder if its
me? but im always told its not, or that they just dnt know how to treat
me...so if they don't know how and im willing to let them learn, why
don't they? i can't go through this process of getting to knw someone
again, im scared to fall again. im terrified of love. im in it and
sometimes i wish i never fell. i fell so hard im stuckand everytime i
try to get up its like i fall all over again. as many times as I've been
hurt i shouldn't even care bt each time it jst gets worse, and i get
weaker. nobody on this earth can convince me that it'll be alright bc
everytime i hear that...its not alright. i hate feeling this weak and
vulnerable. insecure and broken. i don't even trust anything anymore. im
skeptical bc when i put my trust into believing something i get misled.
i don't understand, guys tlk all this shit about how girls lie and aint
no wifeys and blah blah blah but everything about what i do is genuine .
i don't cheat, i don't lie, i don't mess with other dudes, i believe in
loyalty, i believe in ridin together thru the good and the bad. when was
that ever taken for granted? when did people decide they don't want
that? i don't even have the heart or energy to become one of those foul
ass females that fit that description bc my heart was built out of love.
but its been broken so many times i can't figure out what it needs and
what it doesn't. i feel like dying. i hate when im at this point . when
i jst wanna give up bc trying doesn't lead to anything but more trying
and more tears. i wish i could trade my life for my aunt and
brandon...two people full of life that enjoyed life..and someone else
took it away from them ..but i can't even say that on behalf of b bc he
would be mad at me for even going back to this state of mind...but damn
man, taking it one day at a time is jst as hard. i literally have no
one. i jst wish i could hear an i love you because i need it. i wish
someone loved me as hard as i love. i jst wanna feel it. i don't ever
wanna have to doubt it. whatever , i give up . im not okay and no ones
even around to tell me its gonna be okay. why should it matter whether
im around or not. i dontcare anymore.

dear O9.O9.O8 ,

2010-06-18T02:57:00.001-07:00

ima mess . emotionally, im exhausted. physically im beat bt my brain
wont quit so nonetheless im awake thinking about shit im tired of thinkn
about. i swear i hate the fact emotions derive from deep in your brain
bc if i could control them id plain n simple cut them off . i shouldn't
even be stressed about sshit i have control over. i choose to deal with
the relationship we have, i keep myself in it but i can't control the
emotional attachment that comes with it. i feel like screaming someone
help me, listen to me, console me, give me answers! but no ones here,
and even if they were they couldn't give me any answers bc your the only
one that has them. i wish i had someone here but in return i push
everyone away bc i jst wanna be alone. alone is not good. im always
alone..i feel like no one even cares about me . i dnt care bt i do. its
hurts bc i feel like im always here for people bt when i need someone,
where is everyone? .. im tired of crying to myself everynight, i can't
even explain why i do. i guess emotional release , i wish i could
explain what emotions i was feeling but there's so many i feel like im
about to pop. i know im hurt . but there's nothin new about that, im
always hurting. and ill probably continue to hurt until my heart is
completed again. i don't deserve what i go through bt i guess that's no
ones fault but mines bc i put my heart before my mind. im scared to walk
away from all the time and energy I've invested in this relationship.and
all i can think about is wishing i could go back and run into your arms
when yu first fell in love with me before everything got complicated.
that's something i can't do tho. love makes you so stupid, i swear
..like i know yu feel like u don't deserve me bc yu hurt me alot, its
mostly unintentional bc im highly sensitive so its forgivable..bt at the
same time im upset bc im tired of feeling like my best isn't good
enough. I've given everything i have. my all. my everything. I've been
loyal, honest, dedicated, consistent, given unconditional love, forgave,
tried to forget, cried, laughed, smiled, been there, given you time,
space. anything youve ever asked for. but it still feels like im not
giving enough..sometimes i start to doubt our love bc sometimes it feels
like youve pulled away. sometimes i wanna hate you bc i know you see all
of this but yu still don't give me the recognition i want. who's fault
is that?? mine or yours? i guess mine bc i can sit and list all this
shit and im still dealing with it. bt i guess its yours too bc you can't
accept what's in front of you. we have the best communication in our
relationship, we talk about everything and i would probably be telling
you this over the phone but i can't right now. its unbelievable to me
how everytime we stop talking its so hard on me...idk how i lasted that
month you were in jail, well i do but if i made it thru that this
shouldn't phase me... yu know what scares me? uncertainty. your
uncertainty. my uncertainty. your not sure what you want, youve been
tryna decide for about a year now, . your certain yu need me in your
life..but uncertain about what? my love? if you could really stay with
me? if im the one for you? who yu love more out of me and her?...my only
uncertainty when it comes to you is if staying by your side through all
of this is worth it in the end. am i waiting to finally be happy when
your ready? or am i setting myself up for disappointment bc im hoping
that everything we've talked about involving our future will one day
become reality. i can't make you love me the way i love you. i cnt make
yu love me more, want me more, need me more. i can't make you see what
you have if you can't see it. but if you want less than that, and you
love her games, immaturity, arguments, disrespect..then who am i to tell
you what yu need. i don't think that's what you deserve but if that's
what you choose then maybe it is. you probably don't deserve me, bt you
have a good heart. who's ever loved me like you? you loved me when i
didn't even love you. we've been in love for over a year, i can't jst
throw it all away bc im tired of fighting. anything worth keeping is
worth fighting for bt i can't fight by myself. if your not fighting for
me to keep lovin you then why should i keep fighting for you to keep
loving me? i hope this time your taking is helping you put things in
perspective and helping you see things for what they are. who you need
and who you don't. you might nt need either of us , i guess you could
jst go back to being single and doing that lifestyle bc flirting and fkn
girls without emotional attachment is easier on your heart....i hope
that's not what you choose bt i can't prevent it either. one thing i am
sure of is that i love you. i love you completely. heart, mind, body,
soul, flaws and all. if i didn't except the imperfections then i wouldnt
be able to appreciate your perfections for what they really are. and no
ones perfect so i can't say you have perfections but your heart is a
perfect match for mine. and for that reason, youll always be the perfect
man for me. my soulmate, lover, confidant, bestfriend, my bighead...i
jst hope you can see that for yourself.

update..6/16 1:04am .

2010-06-16T01:18:00.001-07:00

i haven't blogged in awhile. partly bc its been a lot going on, partly
bc i wasn't ready to talk about, and partly bc i hate blogging my
personal life bc so many ppl i know read my blog like a book and then
tlk to me about like i brought it up with them .. its cool tho, i chose
to put it in public domain so whatever. so much has happened in the last
few weeks i dnt even know where to begin ...schools over, two ppl i love
died, me and james are on another break, im moving to vegas on the
2nd...jst a lot . bt okay i guess ill start in that order.

my last day of school was last wednesday. my finals weren't as hard as i
thought , to be honest i didn't study much for any of them bc i wanted
to test how much i actually learned over the semester. i got my grades
the other day and i pulled 2 A's, 1 B and 1 C . i wish i could've made
that C into a B bt that was my math class and considering over half the
class dropped or stopped coming and about 5 outta 10 of us left were
failing im happy with my C. so yea next subject..

two people that were dear to my heart died 3 days apart . made me do
alot of contemplating on life... first, my moms sister, my only aunt
died. now i only have great-aunts(my gma's sisters) left. she died on
the friday after memorial day..i wont get into the details of her death
bt its debated to whether it was her fault or she was killed..bt either
way she's nt here anymore. i went to her funeral today and i held up
better than i thought. my mom almost made me break cus she started
crying but i had to be her support system since her husband acts like
he's scared to hold her. she cried on my shoulder and he patted her
back..i smiled a lot at the memories of her tho. i loved my auntie, she
had her downfalls but she always had me laughin . i took her back home
tht tuesday after memorial day and she was was tlkin shit the whole way
like "don't trust no nigga! cus niggas aint shit!" lol. our last bonding
memories was prolly the 2 months she lived with us last year ...i miss
watching good times and stanford and son with her on tv land at 2 in the
mornin lol. but the last thing i said to my auntie before she died was i
love you so im at peace in my heart...

the 2nd person was my cuhkzo brandon..he wasn't my actual cousin. he was
actually james's but i got to know him well over the last 10 months. i
actually JST talked about him like 2 posts ago when i said he told me to
talk to james cus he missed me...smh. bt he was murdered. and my heart
breaks for him, james and his family. especially his daughter bc she's
still a bby and now she has to grow up without a father tht loved her to
death. i know ima miss tf outta brandon man ..he's the only person i
could tlk to about james that actually knew him well enough to give me
advice that meant something to me. he was always there to listen to me
vent about our problems, he never complained. and always told me nt to
trip..he'd be like "man cuhkzo don't trip, james loves yu trust me yu
jst need to give him time to figure it out" and thts what i did. ima
always remeber him for touchin my heart when i wanted to die, if it
wasn't for james and him idk what i wouldve done...it meant a lot to me
for him to genuinely care about whether i lived or died bc a lot of
people a turn a blind eye when they hear yu tlkin crazy...bt im glad i
have nothing but laughs and good memories to remember him by...

james took it so hard. that was like his brother and i tried my best to
be there for him but i can only be there so much and give him enough
space to mourn . i mourned twice myself bt after so many tears fall you
become numb. on top of this happening james informed me he's going into
the army. the army. smh. i cried. but i can't change what he wants...he
wants to do that for his bbys and i can do nothing bt respect it . we're
back to not talking again bc he needs time to get hisself together
...and im back to contemplating whether its worth holding on or letting
go... you know albert einstein said "insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results." ...the pastor at
my aunts funeral said the same shit minus the insanity part and it hit
me like...why do i keep going thru this and giving him time and waiting
hoping for something different to happen when it always comes back to
the same result?? i guess i must be crazy to have hope and faith tht one
day he'll come back around to me.. i guess wanting a future with the
person i love is far fetched..i wish i knew it was jst tht he needed
time to be ready for a relationship and nt what i know he really needs
time for ..it makes my heart hurt .. and i figure even if i decided to
let go ill have to let go regardless when he leaves for service. but
thinking of letting go of the person thts everything to me jst makes me
break down . i guess that makes me weak bc im scared to walk away from
the only person i talk to everyday, the only person that can put a smile
on my face no matter what and take away all my pain. the only person
that i tell all my secrets to..he's so much more to me than jst the
person im in love with and i used to be with. that's my best friend he
means everything in the world to me and im trying so hard to stay
together while were not communicating but id be lying if i said i didn't
miss him. i look forward to talking to him everyday. talking to him
before i go to bed. smh . i get frustrated and mad and i go off on him
and jst wanna say fk it but 20 mins later when it settles...i can't jst
say fk it and walk away. who else is gonna be there for him and care for
him the way i do? my sister said the same shit. she said, "jst give him
his space bt don't leave him angelica..who else really cares about him
the way you do?" and dnt get me wrong, im pretty sure his mom and
sisters and his family does bt as for non-family im positive i have
everyone beat. id do anything for tht man whether he'd do the same for
me or not. but yeaa im rambling. mostly about the same sht i have been
for the past year smh. i really need to pull it together and figure out
if holding on to our love is better than letting it go. bt that'll come
in time...

on another note..im finally moving ! las vegas here i comeeee ! im
excited for something new.. i need change hopefully this is fun and i
meet new people ...i have fam out there bt no friends. james lives out
there now..bt i probably only have a few months to enjoy tht before he
chooses to leave for training and duty ...if we even come back together.
i haven't talked to ms. daja in awhilee bt i wonder if she still stays
in vegas...ill have to write her cus idk if yu still read my blog lol.
and anyone else tht lives in vegas tht follows my blog feel free to hmu
and let me knoww cus i do need a couple friends lol. i start school out
there in august and i need to find a job so we'll see how that goes :)
im confident tho so idk when ill be blogging again ill prolly be back in
a couple weeks ..i love you guys stay up.

2010-05-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

may 16th , 2O1O .

2010-05-16T17:18:00.001-07:00

i was jst reading a cmmt frm my love queen kam, and i appreciate how you
guys give me advice and its always something i remember and put into
consideration, bt the one thing I've realized frm blogging real life is
that i can't keep my posts up with my emotions or how constant things
evolve or change on a daily basis. first let me start off by saying i
realize absolutely EVERYTHING you guys have mentioned and that I've
complained about . i knew about tht girl when she first came into the
picture . jst like she knew about me . i knew when they got together ,
she knew when he got back with me . she knows im nt going anywhere jst
like i know she's not until he chooses to bc he hasn't let her go before
. and to be honest its not about fighting over his heart. i know the way
we feel about each other and that wont ever change . i told james if
that's what he wants then have that. the fact they're relationship
didn't work is on them . we've talked about our relationship. we've
talked about their relationship , we talk about anything i wanna talk
about , james has never been the type of person to try to hide shit frm
me bc i find shit out or put it together before he ever has the chance
to . and i agree with what kam said about there being no grey areas
inbetween being in a relationship and going back to being friends.
because i know in my heart whether we settle to be friends or not were
always gonna feel a certain way about each other. I've always told him i
can't jst be friends and to be honest the way me and him are right now
at this moment , were not friends, were more than that . and even though
we say were "friends" we both know it wont last tht way . honestly, i
put up with the shit i do because i choose to which is why i don't
really complain as much as i used to. when i vent im jst writing out
thoughts . i know that no matter how much shit we go thru or people try
to tell me abt our relationship it wont push me to stop caring or loving
him and i dnt feel bad or stupid about it . i can't be mad at other
peoples opinions bc yall only know what I've told you and youve put
together your own views and opinions abt what i go through and put
myself through .so ill accept what you guys think of me , i can't help
the fact i love who i love . and i can tell yall i love him . and i can
tell yu he loves me regardless of all the shit we've put each other
through . but im not blind . i see and deal with everything I've ever
wrote about on here. if i have a problem , i talk about it with him . he
reads my blogs , he knows how i feel . its not a secret diary where im
crying inside about love and loss . its a place where i vent out
thoughts and emotions . but don't ever hold me hostage to the shit i say
because one post is how i feel right then and there at that moment . its
never permanent . if youve ever been in love you know its constantly
evolving . i can hate him one day and love him the next . and in the
time btween my last post and this one here our relationship has grown
even more bc of the things I've brought up and we've talked about . i
can't ever deny the fact he makes me happy or deny the fact i make him
happy . we do that for each other and until its time for god to take
that away and let me see something else that's what ill keep because im
happy with him in my life at the end of the day . i have days when i
feel like ill be better without him , but im not . and what keeps me
down is my emotions . once i can put my emotions into perspective and
accept everything for what it is , im content . don't look down on me
because of that . im learning , and in the meantime im loving .

may 12th, 2O1O .

2010-05-12T00:31:00.001-07:00

im falling ever so quickly back into that place i said i wasn't going
back to.
trying to fight love is a battle ones always gonna lose , smh .
im slipping back into that black hole called foolishness , i have to
stop myself cus i keep catching myself acting as if were in an actual
relationship .
i don't mean to do it bt it just happens naturally . i get mad at myself
cus ill send a txt tht says something w. a kissy face & after i send it
im looking likee , why did i jst send a kiss tht wasn't even necessary
smh .
& i mean , he sends them back . i get all my love in return but at the
same time i need to back off again & give him space . i don't wanna
crowd him . i think him and his gf broke up today , ok well i don't
think, i know they did. but there's no reason for me to jump for any sort
of joy bc for 1 . they might get back together , they could
relapse . & 2 . it wasn't bc or for me so its not to my benefit . if
their relationship is on rocks then that's their relationship . i don't
know much about it . but as far as ours goes , its been really good
lately and id like to keep it that way . even though were nt together
jst the thought of being with him makes me smile . but i cnt get wrapped
up in that fantasy bc i know that even if there was a chance we ever got
back together that wouldnt happen until i knew he was 3000% sure he was
over her . im not going back & forth with this again like a fool . smh .
like we've been through sooo much shit . and we've grown as individuals
as well as with each other and to be honest if there's one person im
most confortable with being myself and could see myself dealing w. for
the rest of my life , it would be him . but i can't get to wrapped up in
thinking about this kinna shit , hoping . i have to deal one day at a
time bc hoping for things sets expectations that aren't guaranteed to be
met . and i don't want anymore unnecessary disappointments . as of right
now im content . im happy . but i need to pull back again bc i need to
keep that space of missing each other . i don't wanna fall back into
that everyday, every hr txt, call , or aim situation where were tlking
all day long . which isn't really possible anymore anyways with his
schedule but nonetheless , the point is i dnt wanna go back to being
expected . and in order to do that i have to stop letting my heart get
ahead of my mind and stop wanting to love so hard when i need to be
protecting what's been hurt so many times .

may 9th , 2O1O .

2010-05-09T21:08:00.001-07:00

i decided to stay .
i jst have to keep tht wall up & not attach .
having the best day yesterday was like , why did we stop talking?
everytime we talk its nothing but laughs and connection . we just
connect on so many levels .
i decided i wanna keep that , bc the only thing preventing us from
having our friendship is my emotions .
i know he wont stop loving me and viceversa so its no point in trying to
cut him out of my life knowing we're gonna relapse at some point .
knowing that both of us are unhappy without one another .
before we started back talking , i had tlked to his cousin and when i
said i needed someone to tlk to he said "talk to james , he really
misses you man" .
and its funny cus when me and james talk i can hear in his voice how
happy he is . it makes me smile , & for whatever reason still have some
ounce of hope . to be honest i still have hope in us but i know nows
not the time . my biggest problem with him having a new gf and serious
relationship is a fear of me becoming obsolete , but he wont let that
happen . i still give him something she can't , and that's being his
bestfriend . the person he tlks to and tells everything . i love our
conversations , he's my favorite person to talk to bc we can tlk about
anything and everything . everyone can't give you that you know? i know
this relationship especially from yall readin it's perspective is just a
rollercoaster ride of love and complaints and emotions and bullshit lol
, bt i wouldnt change anything bc its a learning experience for me and
when i hit rock bottom something always brings me back up . i know
there's something so legit about our relationship , when people break up
, the relationship dissolves bc either you let it go , he lets it go ,
or yall both let it go . if both of you are still holding on to each
other then that's self explanatory , yall don't wanna let go . which
means the love btween yall isn't going anywhere . keep it . if you need
someone as much as they need you then don't try throwing something away
that's meant to stay . me & my love may not be meant to be together in a
relationship , but were meant to be together in the relationship we
have in our friendship . its irreplaceable & unfortunately , so is he .

yesterday

2010-05-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

was the happiest day I've had in a long time . i let him back in .
(don't judge me) , bt for the most part . everytime we let go and come
back together , i have a clearer understanding for why we're probably
not supposed to let go . its more or less a learning process . im
looking at things from a different perspective . its nt about what
happened, its about why it happened and why things are the way the are
now . the past is the past for a reason & if your content with how
things are now bc of that . . .enjoy it while it lasts .

well ,

2010-05-08T00:59:00.000-07:00

we talked . don't ask . he understands why i can't talk to him now and
as much as that should've made things easier , it didn't . i felt at
peace when we said goodnight bt how i feel never seems to subside smh .
i want a peaceful nights rest bt i know he'll be invading my dreams
again , and again ill wake up upset bc i have to go back to this
nightmare reality . life is fkd up for no reason except for it being my
life . i don't understand what i did so wrong in life to not deserve
happiness . something always has to fall apart . ever since the end of
our relationship nothings went right , and now that im at the point to
stop and let go , my heart is making it be the hardest thing I've ever
had to do in my life . i can tell how much he doesn't wanna let me go
bt shit , i can't be happy while he's happy with someone else . it just
weighs too heavy on my heart . i love him too much to try to share the
love . fuck that shit . i love him and to me , he's mines . i had his
heart first . i loved him the best first . and can't nobdy change my
mind abt that & bc of that i wont accept someone else loving him . i
wont accept him loving her . i wont accept him loving her more then me .
i wont . love & him got me fucked up lol . ill be bitter or stupid or
w.e else u wanna call it . I've given up on trying to make myself stop
feeling the way i do bc it doesn't work . if and when its time for me to
stop loving him then i will . i let him go for the most part and that's
the first step . maybe one day we can be friends again bt i can't take
it right now . i can't hear the words "me and my girl" without gettin
pissed off . i mean to be honest , i shouldn't get so bent over a title
bc i know the love between us still exists very strongly . buuuut im too
emotional to be that strong "idgaf abt that nigga" type a ex gf right
now bc to say idgaf abt him would be a lie lol . ill always give some
kinna fk about him . he's my first REAL love, the first man to ever
really love me . he changed my life in ways i can't even put in words .
and the way i tlk abt him on here makes it sound like "bitch if yu dnt
let tht nigga go when he's already moved on !" which btw don't get it
fkd up cus i realize everything going on , im never delirious abt the
obvious . . .i just know that how i feel is real . and that's some shit
i cnt lie about . i have to be real with myself and therefore im real
with whoevers readin this shit bc im nt gonna lie n say im over him when
i think about him every hour of everyday . i still hurt . i still cry .
i still dnt understand why. i still care . i still love him . and to be
honest . . . . naaaah im nt gonna be tht honest lol . bt that's my
soulmate regardless . I'll beat a bitchh ass over him , take a bullet ,
give a kidney all that . its crazy . ill admit tht . ill be dumb . ill
be all tha shit yu wanna think i am . bt all tht means to me is that
youve never been in love like this before . im not happy about the
situation , bt me by myself im happy . im dealing . what doesn't kill me
makes me stronger . so unfortunately , the next nigga gets NO mercy . i
doubt ill ever let myself fall this far in any relationship again bc i
can't control how much i love . its a blessing and a curse all in one .
some people would kill for this kinna love , and some just don't know
how to appreciate it . i wonder if ill ever find someone tht loves me
the way i love him . . .

recollection .

2010-05-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

okay . i stopped .
i deleted every contact he has to me and i have to him (minus my number cus i cant delete it out his phone lol) .
im refraining myself from speaking to him .
im pushing myself in the other direction . its a downward spiral and im going in circles with no results . i wish i woulda let go months ago and saved myself some dignity . smh . i feel beyond stupid . love doesnt make me feel anybetter bc now everytime i see the word love i get mad . it lost its meaning to me and i probably wont get it back til i get it the way it needs to be given .
its been a year and 8 months in 3 days . and our one year anniversary is on the 21st . i wont induldge in that . he might remember . prolly wont care . im not the jealous type but sitting here actually looking at things . when i get mad about things , its anger but moreso jealousy . jealousy because he now shares something we had with someone else . jealousy because he loves her now the way he used to love me . blahhhh . fuck that shit . lol . i dont like being jealous that shit is lame . im too good for that , and i dont deserve what i put myself through . i wish i could just , forget everything . . .but i cant . ill let go eventually . shit i got over zahkeem , and i dont even miss him . i keep looking for niggaas to fill that void . to keep me occupied so my feelings a move along ,, but its failing horribly . my sister told me its not time to , she told me to just do me . but shit doing me is kinna boring without the opposite sex lol . like wth . its not like i can shop or anything . i need some new books or somethin . i cant wait til this summer . i hope my mom follows through with moving ... im really feeling the idea of a new place (until its no luck with niggas there either lmao ). but whatever . i wish i was bi sometimes cus its always a bi female standin around in the cuts lol but i just cant get into girl on girl . if thats what your into , go you ! but i just cant , smh . ive been thinking about changing my preferences just to try something new buuuut when i got that , it was rather boring . i dont want boring , i want excitement . fun . laughter . good times . lots of smiles . im taking a break from that falling in love shit , niggas lie . smh , thats about to be my new tag line lol . but honestly the one thing thats common in all the relationships where a niggas ever claimed he loved me so much is that he can tell me everything under the sun , but he can never follow through showing it to the extent that they claim. they might show it , and theyll do shit that makes me believe it but at some point it fails . and i tend to look the other way trying to convince myself that theyre telling the truth . so dumb of me . whatever , lifes a lesson , im living . im taking everything stuffing it inside a fuckin box and pushing it to the back of my brain . my heart has a lock on that bitch and i lost the key . im not going through this again . im not . i refuse . if james is the last person i ever love then whaaatever , ill just have to look back n be mad cus im not doing it again . i love entirely way too hard to submit myself to that . people cant love me back the way that i love . their incapable i guess . i dont see whats so hard , but maybe one day i will . . .or maybe not .

love is blind && i can see bt i close my eyes . . .

2010-05-04T23:00:00.001-07:00

its been weeks since I've cried .
&&when im all alone with nothing bt time to think i find myself breaking
.
I've been okay .
well at least that's what I've been trying to condition myself to
believe . ill be okay . ill be okay .
bt i can't be if this shit still makes me cry .
everyday i learn something new about love & try to use it to apply to
what happened && be content .
but none of that mends a broken heart . all the knowledge in the world
doesn't numb this pain .
how did i do this to myself? why? my whole life I've wanted nothing more
than to be in love w. someone who loved me back .
and when i finally got it , i lost it . && nobody told me that
heartbreak is this rough . i don't wanna be so weak . i wanna act like
none of this affects me . i wanna act like i don't care bt i still do .
i wanna act like nothing matters anymore , bt it does .i wanna forget
everything he meant to me but i can't . i wanna erase all the memories
bt they don't . i wanna start over bt im dreaming . why would i even
wish to have another chance after all of this? why do i love this man so
fkn much . it makes me so mad . i wanna stop loving him bc our love
isn't the way it used to be and i can't . the hardest thing to accept is
knowing the person you love , loves you bt doesn't want you anymore .
and I've been trying to accept it , respect it for weeks now , bt i
still can't accept it . i wish i knew what i did sooo wrong . i made
mistakes . he made mistakes . i guess two wrongs dnt make a right . i
would give anything to have his love back the way he used to give it .
before he gave it to anyone else . that's me dreaming again . holding on
to something i need to let go of . i have to let go everyday . over and
over and over . he's in my thoughts . in my dreams . i can't fkn escape
what I've been involved with for over a year .everyday . e v e r y d a y
. i miss those days tremendously and all i can do is think of what used
to be . my heart is too stubborn to let that go . it pisses me off that
when we go for days without talking and he calls i still get the biggest
grin on my face and the nerve to get butterflies . it pisses me off that
i know i can't talk to him the way i want without being too submissive .
i have to give myself limits to keep myself from falling back in . smh .
I've beenn living life , trying to proceed , meet new guys , do things ,
stay occupied . but i still find myself missing him at some point in my
day . thinking about him . this shit sounds like fkn infatuation . bt
its not . i give him his space . i let him go . i only talk to him when
he hits me up , bc i know that's when he misses me . i can respect
letting him life his life and be with who he wants . im just having a
hard time getting over the pain to let go the way i want . . .only some
parts don't wanna let go . bt the other parts knoooow i need too . when
i asked why he wont let me go , he said "i can't because i love you" &&
as sweet as that sounds , its selfish . no matter how many times we
agree to stop talking . we can't . we might let days pass , bt he'll
call eventually . and i can't say that as much as im okay when we don't
talk that i don't hope for his call just to hear his voice . smh . love
is all too complex , i just wanna get to that point where i don't want
it anymore , and a lot of times im walking that line , bt i never fall
off , i step back into what i know which is loving him bc i know its
what im good at . bc i know that months & maybe years from now when
everything changes , ill still be loving him the same from afar . real
love never dies , it always comes back . &&while im hoping our love
stands the test of time , i hope that his love comes back to the way it
used to be . . .still dreaming smfh .

don't ask , don't tell .

2010-05-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

i used to be that girl .

2010-05-01T18:28:00.001-07:00

the nice girl . the naïve girl . the girl that took everything you said
to heart. the girl that wanted to believe every word you said . the girl
that wasn't afraid to laugh . the girl that wasn't afraid to open up and
fall in love . the girl that never wanted to be mean to you or piss you
off . the girl that would make up to you bc she made you mad . the girl
that wanted to be your everything . the girl that believed in love , a
hopeless romantic . . .now im just hopeless . im no longer nice . i no
longer believe anything that comes out your mouth . im always on the
defense . im always protecting my heart & feelings . im insecure . i no
longer care abt making you mad . i no longer care abt yelling at you . i
no longer wanna apologize . i don't believe in being your everything ,
being someones everything seems to be nonexistant . i no longer look at
love the same . I've been scorned . its not loves fault but all the
highs love brought no longer seems worth all the pain that comes after .
i never saw love coming when it did and now i feel like it'll never come
back . and when it does i'll probably be so resentful that ill prolly
miss it when its there. i miss being the girl i USED to be . . .now im
just the product of a sweet girl turned sour .

story of the week #1 . - sex & police .

2010-05-01T03:01:00.001-07:00

so , i was bored tonite all the way up until this boy i used to tlk to
hmu , at the point of boredom i was experiencing i was just excited to
get out the house . so , i hop in the shower , get dressed and im off .
last time we chilled , nobdy was home and we didn't mess around bc he
had a gf so i didn't wanna take it there . so he's single now , womp .
and i get there and we can't go in the house cus his parents are there
-_- . womp . so he's like lets go to the park . im like the park !? its
11 at night wth . so anyways . we go to the park & chilll in my car we
just tlkin n such . we end up kissin . now one thing leads to another .
im sexually frustrated and we been chillin for about 6 months so im like
fk it . so we start havin sex . its whatever bt im tryna get into it ,
next thing i know i see a bright ass light and im like i know that what
i think it is ..so he looks up and he's like fuck! its the cops . and im
like o.O aw shit we fenna get a ticket . i don't neeeeed no more tickets
! lmao . so we puttin our clothes back on and this nigga stilll shinin
his light in the window lmao . im like damn nigga yu tryna watch me get
dressed? lol fkn pervy cop . so i open tha door and im like hi . and the
cop's like "you know the parks closed" . and im thinking "yea i know , i
told this dumbass nigga they come by the park at night smh" bt i was
like yeaa . so the cops like are both of you 18 ? and im like yes we are
, im 21 do yu need my id? and he's like yes maam . so i get my purse and
show him my drivers license . then he asks for my friends bt he's like i
left it at home blah blah so he asks his name and bday and the cop
looked like he thought about runnin his name lol bt didn't feel like it
so he was just like well umm , yea just get out of here have a nice
night . in my head im like "helllss fkn yeaaaa !" bt i said thanks sir
goodnight . put my shoes on and get ready to drive off lol . like
mannnnn , i just knewww it was fenna be like a scene offa cops lmao . we
was in a rich white neighborhood and everything. the park didn't have
noooo lights . i bet they thought we was doin drugs lol . bt npe too
young adults fkn in tha car . i was embarrassed lowkey bt the shit was
funny actually . like he was prolly satisfied he got a lil peep show lol
. prolly was bout to go swoop by his house n get some puss . im glad he
let us slide . its better criminals to go harrass on a friday night . bt
the sex seemed as though it was headed down a wack road , so im kinna
glad we were interrupted lol . "what would jesus do ?" that . lmao so i
guess thts the laaast time i try to do anything in MY car . cus
everytime I've tried to mess around in my car the shit goes all bad . my
cars a fkn cock blockin ass bitch lmao . its coo tho , i've decided im
going on another bout of celibacy . niggas these days jst aint strokin
like they used to smfh , id be better off masturbating , wompp!

sex , expectations , & disappointment .

2010-05-01T02:36:00.001-07:00

so , you know how when you have expectations set in your mind & the
reality of the situation doesn't meet them then your left dissappointed
or pissed off ? well that's what happens to me eeeeveeeerytimeee it
comes to sex lol . likee im a very sensual , sexual person . not the
promiscuous type . not the i gotta fk once a week type lol (even though
if im in a relationship sex everyday sounds nice) i just enjoy the good
parts of sexuality . i digress , when i get in the zone and my bodies
tellin my brain "do it , do it" ill be in the zone alllll the way til
the nigga fk's off an expectation . lol . if i expect u to know how to
kiss . yu better know how . i don't do wet , nasty , slobbery kisses .
even though i ammmm a lazy kisser after awhile and stop kissin back lol
. if yu can't suck on my neck with the right pressure , okay , i might
let yu slide . if yu can't lick/suck my nipples wit the right pace &
pressure , ughh ill be annoyed bt ill let it pass . but anything beyond
that ? if yu throw of my mind frame and make me start talkin shit ! the
whooooole experience is fkd off ! your not meeting any of my
expectations and fkn wit yu is now a disappointment lol.

honestly , sex isn't even gratifying to me anymore =/ its like my
hormones a be raging all the way up to the point of penetration . after
penetration imm thinking "THIS is what i wanted?" like ill try to stop
tlkn shit it my head and just focus on the enjoyment bt ill be too into
thinkin about how fuckn wack the sex is .and once i start thinkin about
other sht ! smfh . my whole mood is out the window . and once its out
the window . the session is over cus ima make yu stop . yeaaa , i know i
know . how selfish of me ! wahh wahh , suck it . idgaf . if im nt into
it im nt fenna lay there and be fondled n molested if i dnt wanna be
anymore lol . fuck yo nut ! :D im sucha btch lmao . oh well . bt anywho
, the whole point of this is to say , stop making expectations . its
cool to have standards bt expectations leave you completely disappointed
when your hoping , or expecting something to be wonderful and its pretty
average . save yourself the disappointment lol .

i miss you .

2010-05-01T02:21:00.001-07:00

sooo , i guess im back to my good ol blogging days , lol .
i really miss actually blogging bt half the time i just don't know what
to say , i mean you can only repeat yourself so long about the same shit
. . .bt im back on my nt having anybody to talk to tip soooooooo ,
nothing like talking away to the only people that still listen lol . so
anyhoww ,

its friday night and i resent not having enough friends or even niggas i
tlk to for that matter bc nightmare on elm st came out today and i been
wantin to see tht shit since like fkn december >:o , and dnt nobdy wanna
go w. me or take me (like on a date) so im stuck in tha damn house BORED
. wideeee awake cus i took a 3 hr nap when i got home smh . its just ugh
. lol . if i wouldnt feel so odd going by myself i would lol . but i
really dnt feel like seeing all the bomb niggas coupled up nor do i feel
like gettin hollered at by a bunch a lame ass people . all my good
friends live abt 45 mins to an hr away frm me and i dnt have tha gas to
just drive there n back for a movie lol . i wanna go on a date but
niggas is jst lame n cheap these days . this nigga i been ignoring for
abt 2 weeks now txted me this morning tlkin abt lets go eat at red
lobster . likeeeeee , negro PLEASE . your not gonna bribe me to fk wit
yu jst by mentioning red fkn lobster bc 1st of all that doesn't impress
me bc i used to fkn work there. 2nd of all, yu don't have a car sooo ,
are yu providing gas money to drive all the way to pick yu up then to
red lobster and to drop u bck off? and 3rd , nigga i been ignoring your
calls for 2 weeks , wtf makes yu think i wanna go on a date NOW ? yu
shoulda proposed tht shit the first time we kicked it , smfh . niggas do
shit ass backwards . I've spent so much time in relationships that's its
nice to be single and actually be able to see things for what their
really worth but it also tends to make me seem more choosy , bc i know
exactly what i want and what i don't . and what ima deal with and what
im not , and bc of that i tend to stop liking dudes i meet way faster
then i normally would . if you can make me smile , great ! that's a plus
. if you come off like your trying too hard to impress me . . . womp .
points deducted . if your conversational skills aren't up to par , womp
. points deducted . if you all up on me TOO tough , womp . 3RD STRIKE !
you failed . i don't have the patience for building relationships
anymore . im straight to the point no time for games n bullsht , if i
smell it im nt fkn wit it . im no longer attracted and im cuttin yo ass
off . if yu keep hintin yu want me to come over n kick it , i know all
yu wanna do it try to get yo hands on me and fk , not about to happen .
your cut . these niggas don't even offer a mtfkn date no more . yu gotta
fkn ASK ! why in the fk should i have to ASK ! im 21 nigga ! im not 16
this aint no mtfckn stay at home n be chaperoned . grown people do grown
people shit ! im not impressed by sittin n smokin blunts or drinkin . im
nt impressed by tlkin n listenin to music . im nt impressed by your
couch , your bed , your cable or your fkn movie collection . lol like
wtf . what in your right mind makes yu think your sooo damn cute i wanna
fuck yu the first time we kick it? what makes yu think your that good?
do i look simple to you nigga? come harder than that. your in a fierce
competition . . .prepare to beat your opponents .

smh .

2010-04-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

im doing it again .
im trying so hard to let go and move forward .
ive convinced myself i need to but i still find myself
looking at pictures or reading how he felt months ago .
i know everything happens for a reason or the way its supposed to but idk how something so perfect went so wrong .
smh .
its crazy , reading how he felt when i fucked up .
it still makes me tear up cus i feel like i couldve not fkd up and maybe things would stiill be perfect . . .or maybe they wouldnt and we'd still be where we are today .
i dont even know if he still loves me the same .
i think ive pushed him so much he doesnt care anymore .
i wanna cry , but that would be pointless . tears dont solve anything .
i guess this is just finishing off my growing process .
all my "heartbreaks" before added up still doesnt amount to the pain i feel without him .
i cant even grasp why it hurts so damn bad .
i cant even let go .
smh . whatever tho , it is what it is .
i just hope hes happy .
im trying .

and another one .

2010-04-28T15:36:00.000-07:00

:)

2010-04-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

daaaayyyuuummm .

2010-04-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

lol , i haven't blogged in foreveeeer . i know my followers are mad =/
soooo sorry . my tumblr is jst much more carefree , this is sort of more
like myyy venting/ love life crisis diary but i still love it . i misss
you guys so let me catch you up :

so , im finally happy . and it took me to realize it on my own for me to
acknowledge it smfh . i realized happiness is a state of mind ,
something you choose to be not something your born with or something tht
comes to you . all this time i been "looking" for happiness ,
complaining about how im never happy never realizing all i had to do was
choose to be . i KNOOOOOW i KNOOOOOOOW that makes me sound soo stupid
but seriously , if someone ever presented it to me in that way before ,
i woulve got it . i always got tht happiness comes frm within and blah
blah but im thinkin i dont FEEL happy so im not , why come im not
finding it ? no one said oh happiness is a state of mind . lol , that
makes me sound so dumb bc every emotion is a state of mind but happiness
just seems like something more . but oh well , i finally decided to jst
be happy and stop losin everyone with my sadness , so fk all yall tkn
shit lol .

in other news , im still a broke ass strugglin college student , blah !
i have about 5 weeks of skool left . no money for gas , no money for
insurance , and still makin it happen smh . i went to an interview for
applebees AND got called back but NOOOOO , they need daytime ppl and my
skool fkd up my schedule bc i couldn't change it >:o so there went
another job down the drain smh . i cnt wait til summer . i have to find
a job or ima go craaaaazy lol .

i digress , i know yall wonderin abt me & james . ummm , its complex bt
you know what im happy . we go through what we go through , shits fkd up
but at the end of the day , our love doesn't break . our friendship
doesn't break . we fuss , we fight , we leave , we come back , we love .
lol . its crazy but i wouldnt change it for the world bc regardless of
all the bullshit we go through can't nobody put a smile on my face like
he does lol . we can tlk shit to each other and laugh . we can be open
and honest w. each other . we can agree to stp talkin then 5 days later
start back and tlk about how much we missed each other and love each
other . the biggest thing I've learned in this relationship is how
important timing is . it isn't that he doesn't love me bc i know he does
but the timing for our relatonship isn't right . and that's something i
had to understand . its nt that he doesn't wanna bewith me bc he don't
love me , its bc were on two different levels in the relationship . i
can understand that and that's something i have to respect . if its
meant for us to be together , we will be . ill live . i been tlkn to
other niggas bt ill save tht for another day :)

&&btw , if you nt followin or readin "i am tha unpretentious narcissist"
(www.thainfamousnobody.blogspot.com) OMFG followwww ! read ! do somn ,
lol i just started following like last month but the shit he says is so
on point i had to go back and read alllll his old posts . lol . he jst
started following me back 8-) , so if your reading this kudos! and
everything you say is the dead truth cus i can name a whole grip a sht
I've related to my relationship tht yu hit right on head . you really
helped me understand a lot of the shit my ex did and does . you need
your own show lol .bt that's all . i love everybodyyyyy , be back soon .

another simp ass story .

2010-04-23T23:51:00.001-07:00

--------------------- 1: 34 am --------------------------------
eric .: Suxx cuhz I was low ball really feelin u but hey it is wat it
is
pntbttr x jellie: yeaaa well , i dnt really feel the connection i
should so im nt fenna waste your time or mines .
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
eric .: I mine we really ant talkd like that but I guess after u seen
me u got everything u needed to kno
eric .: But shit could be diff if u gave me the chance u really ant
got the real me yet
pntbttr x jellie: well in my opinion we've tlkd enough . and us
chillin shoulda gave me more than enough reason and it didn't soo , yea
.
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
eric .: Well like I said u still ant got the real me
pntbttr x jellie: i haven't got the real you yet bt im givin you the
real me . your nt going to hold my attention .
pntbttr x jellie: if you were id know . your nt .
eric .: When u came over them bein around made me hold bak alil
eric .: I am
pntbttr x jellie: the way you act around other people should be the
same way yu'd act around me .
eric .: And I kno I can
eric .: Naw it's a diff around them 3
eric .: And how beautiful u r made me low key nervis
pntbttr x jellie: nah , im cool . plus i dnt really have the time or
gas to drive out there to chill w. yu so yeaa
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
eric .: I mean I kno for shore I can keep u attention
eric .: Just gotta let me
pntbttr x jellie: so that shouldn't change the vibe i felt . you can't
change a vibe . im nt feelin what i got . i knw what i want and what i
don't . and if im not feelin it . im just not .
eric .: But after u seen me u shut me out
eric .: And that's when shit really was gone happen
pntbttr x jellie: bc i don't feel anything and yyou do .
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
pntbttr x jellie: please dnt make me have to reiterate .
eric .: The vibe I gave off was me holdn bak cuhz of them
-------------------------------- 1: 44 am
--------------------------------
eric .: They fkcd my vibe up
pntbttr x jellie: nah .
eric .: That's why I hate bein around them
pntbttr x jellie: you cnt blame that on nobdy else .
pntbttr x jellie: cus yu really cnt convince me youd be tht much diff
nt around them .
eric .: trust im extreamly different im more exsitting
eric .: And liive
eric .: I was borin when u cam over
eric .: I was a super diff person
pntbttr x jellie: okay weeell , 1st impressions don't go anywhere .
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
eric .: Was u feelin me befor u seen me be real
pntbttr x jellie: why would yu be boring the 1st time we kicked it and
then try to convince me to do it again bc your cuzins and uncle messed u
up
pntbttr x jellie: i was .
pntbttr x jellie: its nt about seein you . your nt ugly . you just dnt
hold my attention .
eric .: Trust like they make me nervis they so judgmental
eric .: And that's the thing im such a live fun filld person im totaly
diff from wat I gave off
eric .: I wish I just had the chance to show u
eric .: Cuhz I kno we could work
pntbttr x jellie: soo you were so concerned abt what they thought that
it hindered you frm being you ? that's nt a quality im looking for .
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
eric .: Im not concerned about wat they think I was scared about wat
they was gone say bkuz them niggas have no respect
eric .: And I didn't want them to say no dum shit and I woulda had to
go hard so it had me on my toes and I fkcd up
pntbttr x jellie: you weren't concerned bt yu were scared .
pntbttr x jellie: another quality im nt lookin for .
eric .: And when u left I was like damn she didn't even get to see the
real me
eric .: Not scared like im scarey scared like if these niggas say
somethin dum im gone go off and its gone be a fight
eric .: When u left they was like so why u didn't fkc her
pntbttr x jellie: yeaaa well . im sorry bt it only takes one time for
me to get disinterested and to be honest , i am . so im sorry things
turned out that way . maybe next time you wont mess up and let what your
family does keep you frm being you .
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
eric .: And im like I really like this girl I wanna take it for with
her and im not bout to mess it up but guess I have
pntbttr x jellie: who cares that's what niggas say , bt they know you
didn't bc i wouldnt let you obviously .
eric .: No bkuz they felt like I shoulda pushd it on u
pntbttr x jellie: idc what they thought .
eric .: They dum af that's why im like wtf they gone say next and it
thru me off puttn my attention in u
pntbttr x jellie: none of that matters bc how i feel now isn't the
same . you messed up your own 1st impression .
eric .: But im not that person u met
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
-------------------------------- 1: 54 am
--------------------------------
eric .: U kno wat u right its my fault can't blame it on them
pntbttr x jellie: okay well you can't blame your cuzins for your
actions .
eric .: Im sorry I waistd ur time
eric .: Just saw how beautiful u was and got stucc
pntbttr x jellie: you didn't . can't say we didn't try . its a lesson
learned .
pntbttr x jellie: thank you and as for the next pretty girl dnt make
the same mistake twice .
eric .: Its not a lesson learned cuhz I kno we would work together
eric .: But yeh
pntbttr x jellie: it was a lesson learned bc you fkd it off . and you
know that but i don't . but okaay .
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
pntbttr x jellie: goodnite k . i got skool in the mornin .
eric .: Smh
eric .: Its wild ull never see the real me
eric .: But night
pntbttr x jellie: okay bt is that my fault bc you held yourself back?
or your fault ? always be the real you . don't bullshit people or
situations . you only have one shot most of the time . sleep on it . gn
.
eric .: [AWAY] Can't trust that bitch
-------------------------------- 2: 02 am
--------------------------------
eric .: Sleep on it just gone make me feel like shit and sometimes
shit happens and it was my first time seein u u beautiful to me and I
was star struck like im the guy u want the guy u was feelin befor u seen
me just messd up but u shoulda atleast gave me the secound chance to
prove my self
** : SHOULDA ! NIGGA PLZ , I WASTED MY TIME , ENERGY , &&GAS ON YO ASS
&& ALL I DID WAS SIT THERE AND WATCH YOU , YOUR CUZINS AND UNCLE DRINK
4LOCO'S AND LOOK DUMB . YOUR CONVERSATION IS BORING & SO ARE YOU .
ANGELICA DON'T GIVE SECOND CHANCES , SHE LEAVE EM HANGINN LIKE
CLOTHESLINES .

there's nothing i hate more than drunk ass rambling people .

2010-04-09T00:42:00.000-07:00

there's nothing i hate more than my mom drunk tryna tell me about my
life . and her opinions about shit .
i didn't fuckin ask you !
don't sit here and tell me about the niggas i talk to and why im by
myself . and im "hardheaded" bc i don't wanna listen to you tell me
about my life .
yea yea okay you have experience in life and love but I KNOW wtf is
going on in my life . if i wanted to talk about it id fuckin bring it up
to talk about . IDGAF about your past relationships and blah blah . YOUR
life is NOT mines ! stop tryna tell me how to live my life . i wanna
make my OWN mistakes . make my OWN decisions . she gon tell me im by
myself bc i don't listen. NO . NO . and HEEELL NO . im BY MYSELF bc i
CHOOSE to be . don't ever get the game fucked up ! im nt fenna settle
for no nigga tht wanna be wit me just bc they wanna be wit me . FUCK
that . im fenna be wit who I WANNA be with and if it fails then ill try
again wit the next mtfka ! ughhhhhh , she got me so irritated . there's
nothing i hate more then somebody tryna tell me about my life or someone
in it they don't know . like u never met him , you only heard abt him
and situations . don't sit and judge shit when u don't know his life ,
his struggles and the shit he go through . that's where my understanding
comes from and your ignorance cuts in . if you don't know ALL the facts
, simply DON'T speak on it . and that's straate drop .

2010-04-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

stalker ass wierdo type shit .

2010-04-05T13:05:00.001-07:00

** DISCLAIMER : don't judge how long the convo went on lol , i was bored
& this kinna shit is pureee entertainment .

youngtriff: U still got a bf
pntbttr x jellie: who is this
youngtriff: youngtriff signed on at 12:58 am.
youngtriff: U prob dnt even rember me I met u like las summer

[sidenote : my 1st impression ; why tf are you hitting me up 3
seasons later if you already think i wont remember you and why does your
1st question pertain to my relationship status? smh proceed . .]

pntbttr x jellie: righhht .
youngtriff: Jus wonderin if u was still in a relttionship
pntbttr x jellie: where at?
youngtriff: I threw a bbq
pntbttr x jellie: nah .
youngtriff: Kame n picked u and ur friends up

[ ok , this is my cuzins ex bf's friend , she had me hit him up to
pick us up bc her phone was dead . i don't know this dude , nvr met him
so idk why he's sayin it like i personally asked him to come get us
.]

youngtriff: U remember?
pntbttr x jellie: yea i do .
youngtriff: Oook kool I. Be seen u on line butt u was always in a
relationship so I was wonderin if u was still tied dwn
pntbttr x jellie: oh . nah im nt bt im nt really lookin either .
youngtriff: I feel you n I dnt blame you jus tryna build my friends up
pntbttr x jellie: ohh . k
pntbttr x jellie: yu always look for friends at 1am ?
youngtriff: Ok u want me 2 be 100 %
pntbttr x jellie: uh yea tht would be a start
youngtriff: 4 real when I met you I thought u was kute but u had a dude
n I respected it I be seeing u on line but I never really knew wht to
say kuz I dnt kno if u would remember me plus u still had a dude so I
still wasn't trya kum between but like u said u ain't lookin for a
relationship I really not either but I would like 2 get to know u as a
friend

[whoa .]

pntbttr x jellie: oh okaay .
youngtriff: Sound real enough 4 u
pntbttr x jellie: yeaa . bt it would be nice if i really remembered you
.
pntbttr x jellie: i mean i remember yu pickin us up , bt i dnt really
remember you .
youngtriff: Ok I kan try 2 refresh yo mem prob won't help
pntbttr x jellie: your right
youngtriff: I mean ain't really to much I only remember you because you
not somethin I would for get and I went to picl y'all up

[timeee outttt ! why the fk is he so illiterate ? for get ? w. a
space ? mannn . i digresss]

pntbttr x jellie: ha , didn't know i was unforgettable .
youngtriff: Lol
youngtriff: Unforgetable That's what u r lol

[lol @ him tryna compliment me .]

pntbttr x jellie: really now . and why is that
youngtriff: You was real nice polite said thanks for the ride stayed for
the event even when u was ready 2 go for ur friends jus little things
pntbttr x jellie: wow , so you noticed all that ? all the while i didn't
even know i was being watched .
pntbttr x jellie: and the polite part is just good manners .
youngtriff: Prob because I wasn't watching I was observing frm a
distance :-) Yeah well every woman doesent have good manners notice I
said "women"

[i sense stalker tendacies .]

pntbttr x jellie: lol . right .
pntbttr x jellie: sooo it took you frm summer to spring to say hi bc i
had a bf?
youngtriff: :-) ummmmm did I make u smile?
youngtriff: I respect boundries
pntbttr x jellie: i laughed , so i guesss so .

[laaughing at you , not with you .]

pntbttr x jellie: righht .
pntbttr x jellie: understood.
youngtriff: And you seemed happy
youngtriff: Well you were happy
pntbttr x jellie: i still am happy .
youngtriff: well then I dnt want to kloud ur space
pntbttr x jellie: you make a lot of assumptions .
youngtriff: Its a bad habbit I'm a thinker
pntbttr x jellie: your saying i was happy like its past tense . im
telling you i still am , i said nuthing about my space being clouded .
pntbttr x jellie: righht . ima thinker too but i don't jump to
conclusions .
pntbttr x jellie: assuming is like talking without thinking .
youngtriff: I no I must have 2ook it the wrong way my bad
pntbttr x jellie: yeaa .
youngtriff: And ur right assuming is talkin b4 thinking I like how u put
that

[complimenting my intelligence now , hm .]

pntbttr x jellie: righht ,
pntbttr x jellie: thks .
youngtriff: Wht you doin up this late
pntbttr x jellie: nuthing actually . i have skool in the morning , i jst
haven't fell asleep yet .
youngtriff: Yeah I noticed a while ago u was in school nursing?

[stalkerrrrrrrr . . . .]

pntbttr x jellie: i guess i could ask why u decided to aim me so late
whn youve had my aim since last summer .
pntbttr x jellie: no . not nursing .
youngtriff: Wht u in school. 4 ?
pntbttr x jellie: it was paralegal studies . im changing it to medical
diagnostic sonography .
pntbttr x jellie: and before you start asking what it is , its the
person that does ultrasounds on different organs in your body .
youngtriff: Yeah I kinda had an idea that's what I was but Damn wow
that's what's up and to answer your question i really kant say y I took
so long but I do be readin yo aways I guess I was jus waiting for the
right time . . . . . Probally because I seem to have krushes on chicks I
kouldnt have and then I end up fuckin with some one I shouldn't have . .
. . . girl of my dreams it it really what it seems or am I lying to my
self think I should try and get some help"
pntbttr x jellie: ohhhh , so you do read my aways .
pntbttr x jellie: and you listen to songs i quote . lol .
pntbttr x jellie: interesting .
youngtriff: :-) that's proof right ?

[proof youve been stalking me from afar??wtf .]

pntbttr x jellie: righhhhht .
youngtriff: told u I be observing frm a distance lol
pntbttr x jellie: i seee .
youngtriff: :-)

[why the fuck is he smiling?]

pntbttr x jellie: so what else have you observed frm reading my aways
for 3 seasons .
youngtriff: While u was not paying attention I came up with a world
klass scheme to get the girl of my dreams :-)
pntbttr x jellie: sooo , your trying to insinuate im the girl of your
dreams .
pntbttr x jellie: ah , interesting .
youngtriff: I'm jus saying I could be lying to my self maybe I should
try and get some help lol

[yeaaaaa , yu MIGHT need some help :-/]

youngtriff: Umm I seen a few aways some love aways lil of it all
pntbttr x jellie: indeed , you could be considering you don't even know
mee .
pntbttr x jellie: okay and youve come to the conclusion thaaaaat ?
youngtriff: I'm jus playin
youngtriff: But u never no
pntbttr x jellie: are you now
pntbttr x jellie: uhuuh .
youngtriff: Guess its only 1 way to find out
pntbttr x jellie: i guess .
youngtriff: Dnt think to hard
youngtriff: Lol
pntbttr x jellie: im nt thinking at all to be honest .
pntbttr x jellie: my brains on idle mode .

[o_O]

youngtriff: Lmao I c u got jokes what school u go 2
pntbttr x jellie: rcc .
youngtriff: Ook riverside or moval?
pntbttr x jellie: riv .
youngtriff: Thaths what's up I went there 4 a while
pntbttr x jellie: ah ok ,
pntbttr x jellie: then wht happended
youngtriff: What's your real name
youngtriff: I transfered to a 4 year university
pntbttr x jellie: are you the fbi ?
pntbttr x jellie: do u need government official shit .
pntbttr x jellie: oh okay , a success story . wht skool did u transfer
to?
youngtriff: Lmfao actually I work for home lance security were over the
FBI

[your in college bt u called it home LANCE . hmm . k]

pntbttr x jellie: haha .
pntbttr x jellie: aw shit .
pntbttr x jellie: i don't think i need to be talkin to you .
youngtriff: U got jokes I got jokes 2 ;-)
pntbttr x jellie: but then again . homeland* security threw yu waay off
.
pntbttr x jellie: i seeee .
youngtriff: Yeah a success story thanks to my mom foot up my ass to go
to a private HBCU
youngtriff: Hey I tried. Lol
pntbttr x jellie: which one .
pntbttr x jellie: you did , ill give you that.
youngtriff: My school is kalled wilberforce university in ohio
pntbttr x jellie: ahhh , ohio of all places .
pntbttr x jellie: your major?
youngtriff: Some times you need a different. Environment to be more
productive my major is Business and management
pntbttr x jellie: agreed .
pntbttr x jellie: so tell me something abt your skool
youngtriff: We are historically know to be the first private HBCU. And
slaves traveled threw our school as the underground railroad
youngtriff: Now who's the FBI LOL
pntbttr x jellie: really now . that's pretty awesome .
pntbttr x jellie: well shit , obviously neither one of us .
youngtriff: yeah its def preety kool
pntbttr x jellie: yeaa .
youngtriff: I see u got a smare mouth :-)
youngtriff: Smart*
pntbttr x jellie: yea . that's the 1st thing everyone notices .
youngtriff: Hard not 2
pntbttr x jellie: well that sucks .
pntbttr x jellie: i just say what comes out .
youngtriff: I like it makes me laff
pntbttr x jellie: no need to sugar coat it
pntbttr x jellie: i noticed .
youngtriff: HUmmmm I see u katchin on quick
pntbttr x jellie: your not tha only person that excels in observations
.
youngtriff: Ok do u got the dictionary sittin by you dexter lol

[i sense intimidation .]

pntbttr x jellie: no , i don't need one .
pntbttr x jellie: i just have a more advanced vocabulary than others .
youngtriff: So do u have a name smarty
youngtriff: I noticed
pntbttr x jellie: angelica .
pntbttr x jellie: yourself?
youngtriff: Beautiful name
youngtriff: Max
pntbttr x jellie: thks .
pntbttr x jellie: max .
youngtriff: I serious 2 Only angelica I know is off rugrats
pntbttr x jellie: right .
youngtriff: Very beautiful name dnt neen no nick name for that
youngtriff: U think that's game?
pntbttr x jellie: but i was born before she was created , so im the
original .
youngtriff: How old. R u
pntbttr x jellie: well , i didn't give myself a nickname , my family did
. it just stuck .
pntbttr x jellie: i don't uh , know . don't care either honestly .
pntbttr x jellie: 21 .
youngtriff: Jus askin kuz u said right?
youngtriff: Like u didn't believe me

[-_-]

pntbttr x jellie: right is a normal part of my everyday vocabulary . its
my version of sayin yea or i agree .
pntbttr x jellie: I've said it about 30 times since this conversation
started .
pntbttr x jellie: don't start making assuptions again .
youngtriff: I no and ever time I though u was being sarcastic

[lmao , did he just now catch on to all my sarcasm ? whoa .]

youngtriff: Wnt
youngtriff: I no now
pntbttr x jellie: smh .
pntbttr x jellie: well your slackin on your observations .
pntbttr x jellie: keep up .
youngtriff: I see your slackin to . . . . Kuz I observe frm a distance.
. . . .
youngtriff: How was ur easter
pntbttr x jellie: okayy . and what difference does that make . were both
observing from a distance seeing as though were talking thru aim .
pntbttr x jellie: it was fine , and yours.
youngtriff: Mine was honestly a reg day
pntbttr x jellie: ohh okay .
pntbttr x jellie: that's cool
pntbttr x jellie: so your out here or in ohio?
youngtriff: In ohio 4 now
pntbttr x jellie: so then its 5am out there?
pntbttr x jellie: why are u awake
youngtriff: We on a vacation
youngtriff: Yep 5 am
pntbttr x jellie: oh . okay .
youngtriff: I c u no u shyt
pntbttr x jellie: indeed . i can count time zones .
youngtriff: Smart beautiful and funny
youngtriff: Everyone else dnt seem to know how 2 kount
youngtriff: Wht time is ur klass in the am
pntbttr x jellie: sounds about right .
pntbttr x jellie: 1030
youngtriff: Ook
pntbttr x jellie: yeaaa .
youngtriff: Tell me something intresting about u
pntbttr x jellie: um .
youngtriff: U seem full of surprises
pntbttr x jellie: im an asshole and i embrace that quality . im
infatuated with change . i don't like people(society) for various
reasons . my life consists of skool and sleep . and i don't care about
anything that isn't related to me in some type of way .
pntbttr x jellie: basically .
youngtriff: Wow
pntbttr x jellie: suprised .
youngtriff: Ahh yeah
pntbttr x jellie: yu assumed i was gonna say something diff didn't yu
youngtriff: Let's jus say I wasn't expecting that

[he sounds disappointed huh , lmao . tsk tsk .]

pntbttr x jellie: of course nt .
pntbttr x jellie: no one ever does ,
youngtriff: I bet
pntbttr x jellie: right
youngtriff: So ur a bad girl ?
pntbttr x jellie: not at all .

[O;-) , not all the time anyways lol]

youngtriff: Ook
pntbttr x jellie: i dnt like to be categorized .
pntbttr x jellie: bt im nt bad .
youngtriff: Ill remember that
pntbttr x jellie: im just different .
youngtriff: Unique
youngtriff: Different is good
pntbttr x jellie: somethin like that .
pntbttr x jellie: to some people .
youngtriff: Ur Right. Jus depends on the person
youngtriff: Wht u doin
pntbttr x jellie: mhm
pntbttr x jellie: fallin asleep honestly
youngtriff: Ok well I kould let u go to sleep I no u got school if u wnt
I kan def let u go
pntbttr x jellie: ok .
youngtriff: Gnight Ms.Angelica sweetdreams and make sure u wake up for
klass 2 morrow learn somethin ;-)
pntbttr x jellie: i will .
pntbttr x jellie: goodnite and sdreams to yuu too
youngtriff: I would like that now its on u to hit me
pntbttr x jellie: is it?
pntbttr x jellie: well just a heads up , i dnt hit people up so if u
start waiting for awhile dnt be mad .
youngtriff: Thanks u prob dnt need this but here to keep the bed bugs
off :-× muah

[did this nigga just say muah ?! oh hell nah .]

pntbttr x jellie: ha .
youngtriff: Would u like me 2 hit u
pntbttr x jellie: ok
pntbttr x jellie: that's a personal choice .
youngtriff: I'm more of a person that needs a stright answer u dnt seem
like u give them out I'm very simular to you because if u didn't tell me
u would not have hit me I would not have hit you I want u to make an
acception this once and answer me please do u want me 2 hit u up ?

[** hits BLOCK USER , turns over and falls asleep lmao , smh .]

happy easter yalll !

2010-04-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

you win somee , you lose somee .

2010-04-03T21:27:00.001-07:00

what most of you fail to realize is everythings temporary , which is
typically why i don't dwell on change . think about it .

bangs again .

2010-04-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

we have something no one else understands .

2010-04-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

its a me && you understanding . made for me && you , by me && you and it
wont be over until me && you decide that "me && you" needs to die .

past , present , future .

2010-04-03T02:41:00.000-07:00

you know tonite i found out something i never knew before . and it made
me think about how everyone has a past , some good , some bad , some
horrible , some easy , some hard but it shapes us into the person we are
today and creates some of our internal demons that haunt us everyday . i
think everyone has certain things of their past they dnt want to or
don't talk about period . including myself . but your past has a huge
impact on your present status inlife and will always impact your future
. so i think its important to face some of those past demons and start
over . not just to live better but to be better . to be able to be set
free and have a better understanding . all im saying is , think about
yourpast and learn from it . fix what's broken and save what can be
salvaged . forgive and forget tha rest and move forward . holding on to
the past hinders your ability to grasp your future .

if it aint one thing is aFKNother . (-vent.)

2010-04-02T00:51:00.001-07:00

im soooooo tired . like my body still functions but my brain is like
past the E mark . smh . im unfocused . i can't focus . its like between
my personal life and school im constantly having to do something . i
can't even fit in a nap everyday like i used to . i need a damn job .
shit i might be damn near dead bt at least ill be gettin paid to be fkn
near death . i hate everything about my life at this moment . between
boys and love and moving forward and school and all tht shit im just too
through wit everything and everybody that im back in my drop of a dime
irritable moods . i used to always be walking on that line of irrtiated
and okay . and im back to skippin on tht bitch . just one little tiny
thing be havin me so amped up inside i wanna start blastin ! lmao . its
sad bt true . i need a vacation w/o everybody just time to think and put
shit into perspective . i know people make mistakes bt you have no idea
how pissed off i am that im twenty one and nowhere near where i wanna be
. im too smart to have been so stupid in my decision making . i was so
goody in high skool that when i got my freedom i took too much and
started makin those dumb mistakes i was supposed to make and learn from
while i still had cushion . now i did it and im sittin on my ass . well
damn ! i guess at least im focused now , better late than never . at
least that's what they say . i dnt believe shit anymore lol .
everythings bullshit . the shit you hear . the shit you see . half the
shit you learn . the peoplee around you . eeeeverrryyythinnggggggg . but
yea . i just had to vent real fast so i can actually get some sleep . gn
bbys .

2010-04-01T12:43:00.001-07:00

relationships .

2010-03-28T23:18:00.001-07:00

so I've been trying to put the understanding of relationships into
perspective . i mean we all have them . most of us want them , most of
us don't . and there's all different kinds . but i can't understand why
it makes such a big difference to be IN a relationship rather than "just
friends" when there's mutual emotions or love . i mean ultimately , a
relationship as in "gf/bf" aint shit but a label . i mean yeaa , it has
certain rules that's supposed to come with tha label like fidelity and
loyalty and trust and understanding . but really what's the difference?
most people just want that feeling of belonging . like when someone asks
"do you have a girl?" they claim you . and it gives you this special
feeling . but when your just friends , tha emotions are still there ,
there jst isn't any obligations . your friends so theirs supposed to be
a certain amount of space and understanding . a non committed commitment
. and although me and him started as friends , when we grew together and
formed an actual commitment i lost all things i knew about "our"
friendship . he's my bestfriend bc i tell him everything and he tells me
everything and im jst me around him and he's the only person that
understands me and genuinely cares abt my well being YET , when it comes
to emotions . . .were still attached like were together . were only
friends right now . but when we talk , it always ends with baby's and i
love yous and deep convos bt i figure that's bc its what were used to .
and i start to wonder if the fact that were not together "in a
relationship" even matter? it didn't change much of anything , with an
exception for "heartbreak" and "hurt" and everything else that's
supposed to come with breaking up . funny thing is , it only hurts when
i think about it . when were together , i don't hurt bc i forget . and
when i do remember we talk about it and he still takes it away .
sometimes i feel like "just friends" is hard on me bc i wanna go back to
being "together" but in reality , we are still together just without the
label . I've been working on subtracting all my emotions frm our
friendship but its hard . he even admitted its hard for him . im just
trying to find that common ground where i don't care that were not in a
relationship bc our relationship exists within our friendship . im not
sure if all the shit i would normally get pissed about in a relationship
should even be worth getting worked up over in a friendship but that's
the emotions makin shit complicated . to be honest i wish i had the
ability to turn off my emotions like a switch bc im overly emotional .
buuuuut i can't so whatever . i figure we need to stop getting so worked
up over labels bc you could be committed in a friendship or cheat in a
relationship . its up to the people . labels just tend to make
unnecessary complications , emotions included . i figured at least when
your in love with your bestfriend , nothing should ever fall apart . but
it does, its human nature . we just have a friendship that has the
ability to live , learn and continue to grow . when most relationships
don't .

love is a 4 letter lie .

2010-03-27T14:44:00.001-07:00

its funny how when you think your in love . nothing else matters . it
blinds all the shit u don't wanna see . makes yu forgive all the things
yu shouldn't . makes you wanna keep what's no good for you . they say
too much of anything is never good . and i always thought you could
never love too much . never be loved too much . and throughout my last
two relationships where i thought i was in love especially my last one .
when it comes down to the end i don't even know what was real and what
was fake . they say actions speak louder then words . i know this but
instead of knowing i chose to make up excuses for why shit didn't make
sense . i gave him time after time . forgiveness after forgiveness . so
many times to explain his reasons and his actions bc i felt like that's
what you do when your in love . now that i sit here , i feel so fkn
stupid . im mad at myself more then i am at him for letting myself keep
hurting myself . im so mad that i still love him after everything he's
done to me . i fkn hate him . how do u love and hate someone at the same
time ? i hate that i don't feel like i know him anymore . i hate that
all he does is apologize for hurting me and still does it . im mad that
I've been so weak that i couldn't walk away when i know i needed to . im
mad that he made so many promises he didn't keep . i mad that i believed
that love was so strong that it would prevail thru everything . and im
mad that i was wrong . im mad that i still cry about this shit . im mad
that my ♥ still gets crushed over this shit . im mad !!! why am i so
fkn in love with someone that i let myself get broken down so far ? i
know im nt the strongest person behind my skin but damn how did i let
him break me so bad . i shouldn't take it out on love bc of the shit
other people did while they said they loved me . but love don't love
nobody . i don't believe in love anymore at this moment because it
deceived me . he deceived me . idk if it was intentional or not but
does it really matter ? idk why im still fighting for something that
doesn't fight for me . idk why i still want something that doesn't want
me . like how dumb am i . im so smart that im stupid . i dnt let any
nigga i meet play me but when it came to love i crumbled down to nothing
. i blew it when i gave my ♥ away , knowing it might not be returned
the same way . i shoulda took it back when he gave it back the first
time . i passed up so many signs . so many times to turn and walk away
and i DIDN'T ! bc i believed in love . his love . my love . love itself
, and it played me . who do you trust when the person you trusted the
most can't even be trusted ? im done playing tho . there aren't anymore
levels to be defeated . the game is over . . .play a new one .

why are yu so free spirt'd anqelicaa?

2010-03-25T12:12:00.001-07:00

lol , cus i simply dgaf my love . bt , you already know this dont you . lol .

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-03-23T11:39:00.003-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan

your hair is really pretty. how do you get it so long? or is it extensions?

2010-03-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

thank you ! its real lol . its hereditary . my mom and grandma both had long hair , so does my older sis . i know its cliche but the native american in my blood is pretty prominent (i.e my high cheekbones , long hair and reddish brown skin ). i dont really do much to make it grow , i dnt like wearing my hair natural cus its too much maintainance washing it everyday so its usually flatironed . but i guess i just try to keep it clean and my scalp conditioned, try not to damage it too much and keep my ends trimmed :)

Ask me anything

where have yhu been!!?? i love your blog.

2010-03-22T13:11:00.003-07:00

aw thanks ! weeell , idk between school and neglecting my blog on behalf of my emotions ive kinna been nowhere lol . sorry ! i promise ima try to blog more like i used to . i feel special lol .

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-03-22T13:11:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan

JELLIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-22T13:09:00.001-07:00

cammmmmmm ! lol .

Ask me anything

dammit man .

2010-03-20T19:04:00.001-07:00

im back here again . reminscing about what's been past and dreamin of
what never will be . smh @ myself . shame .
me & james agreed to be friends like we used to be . and its not hard ,
i mean i can't force the way i feel to go away bt i figure i can try . i
settled , broken heart and all that shit . im not all distraught tho ,
I've been tryna move forward . I've been chillin w. this boy lately . he
makes me laugh , i like his personality , bt i can't really see us
together . he's looking for a relationship and im not . we haven't done
anything together , not even a kiss so its easy for me . i know he
really likes me but I've been in denial abt likin him . i know i dnt
like him as much as he likes me . i think im just enjoying the flirting
and the attention . *shrugs .* so sue me shit . i actually been meetin a
lot of dudes lately just nobody special . shit , after tlkin to other
dudes it just makes me miss james to be honest lol . today I've just be
layin around listenin to music and having side convos , and in the
meantime reminscing on our relationship . pictures , conversations ,
shit like that . its prolly better to let it go but i don't want to . im
okay with it bc i know there a slim to none chance we ever get back
together . so its whatever . shit im considering going to the college of
southern nevada next fall so i can major in what i want . gotta move on
w. life . im jst nt sure cus even tho i have aloot of fam in vegas and
there's lots of shit to possibly get into . i don't even like vegas !
lol . idk even know what type of niggas vegas has . i hope they have my
type :) lol . prolly very few . whatever , ill find :)

in other newss , i haven't had sex in a little over a month andddd im
fenna go crazy . I've had plenty of bouts of celibacy so its usually
easy but dammit man , my body is like "touch me , touch me !" smh . i
don't really wanna have sex with anyone , i really only wanna have sex
with oneperson bt i doubt very highly that's gonna happen , anytime soon
anyways . so I've been weighing other options . and i still haven't
decided .im not even sure if i wanna try to have sex yet . i might wanna
wait , but at the same time i really wanna be touched . lol . (don't
judge me ) whatever . if it happens then it will . im gladd my period
started on friday lol cus all my lil boos been hittin me up and i dnt
wanna have no mishaps lol . god does tht everytime , like clockwork .
keeps me focused . so yeaa that's pretty much all i have to complain
about thanks . bye .

untitled .

2010-03-13T02:01:00.001-08:00

im just in one of those late night blogging moods . i thought everything
would change when i got my 2nd check for spring semester . i was gonna
buy me a new laptop , connect myself back to the world , live a little
easier . but since my check was a lot less than the last one (about
half) i don't get to indulge in some of the pleasures i wanted to .
i feel disconnected from the world . from life . im like a robot , i
wake up 5 days a week , go to skool , do skool shit , come home do more
skool shit , shower and repeat process . i have no life . i have no
friends . i have no boyfriend . im miserable but i have no choice bt to
continue living . smh . i haven't been able to bring myself to blog for
weeks now , i couldn't express myself . I ! ME ! ANGELICA couldn't
express herself ! how odd is that . that's all im good for is typing my
life away on my blog like a personal diary . i feel absent . ghostly . i
wannna believe im okay , but i know im not . i say i dnt care that i
don't have friends but its lonely now with no bf . i miss having friends
and im unsatisfied with what i do have . it saddens me that when i go
down my phonebook and buddylist i don't really wanna talk to anyone . i
wish friends were easy to come by and make like they were in elementary
, jr high , even high school . where do you find new friends at 21 ? i
don't even see anyone at my school i could see myself being good friends
with much less hanging out with . everyone already has their friends , i
have myself . i want new friends and idk how to find the friends i want
. real friends don't exist anymore . shit , real people don't . . .im
struggling with this broken relationship . you know its funny bc on
formspring the only question that i was asked was why do i obsess over
my bf . and i really felt offended . i got defensive . i don't think i
obsess but i guess i could see how you guys would think that . i haven't
had many relationships , if any at all . and the only thing I've ever
wanted since i was little was a real relationship , a real bf , a happy
relationship . and i guess when i got all that that's all i could focus
on . my relationship was and still is impt to me for reasons i don't
have to explain to anyone . we been through everything and i still love
him , but i guess its that time to let it go , if it comes back then
yaddi yaddi yadda . im embarrassed that i put so much of myself on blast
and to now be so broken like this . my blog was supposed to be my place
to express myself w. no judgement . no one to make me feel guilty or bad
, just understanding . and somehow with all the people that i know that
reads it i don't feel as comfortable as i used to , i feel like im being
judged now . i feel like people are shaking their heads at me . and i
could care less bc its my life and i dnt regret anything but im not
walking tall like i want to . shit to be honest i don't even feel like
anyone reads my posts anymore . i used to be happy when i got 6 and 7
comments now i don't get any . i feel pitied . im waiting . waiting for
my life to change , waiting for me to be able to say im happy . waiting
. . .so far im still the sad depressed girl I've been my whole life and
now im even more broken than i was before . i have my days when i know
its the way it has to be and im ok with it . then there's nights like
these when i miss everything about having a relationship . i miss him .
i miss the peace he gives me . i miss the comfort he brings me when he
says im gonna be alright . he told me im gonna be alright . i just wish
i could be alright , bc im not . and the funny thing is i told him he
was gonna be alright and i know he isn't either . im 21 and im lost .
idk where my career is going bc idk how to organize my schooling . i
have no job , no income . nobody . i feel like im too old for this . i
should be graduating college and starting a life . i regret taking so
long to go to skool . i regret changing my career i wanna do so
manytimes . i don't wanna be 30 when i finally startmy career . i don't
wanna be 30 when i finally settle down and start a family . 30 isn't old
but im 21 and i feel old , i can only imagine what 30 will be like . im
hoping that i can get myself together and finish school and everything
else will follow . i feel like i need help . i need help . ugh . i need
therapy .

neglect .

2010-03-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

damn i been neglecting my blog :(
i miss you guys. i miss having a life lol , or lack there of .
as much drama as i used to be in i cant say that i dont miss it cus now
all my life consists of is school and lonliness .
as if i wasnt lonely to begin with . . .
i dont even have anything to say .
i guess ill blog when something does hit me .
&dont stop following bc i WILL be back >:o :)

formspring.me

2010-03-01T13:47:00.001-08:00

why do u obess over your boyfriend?

i dont consider it obsession . my emotions play off that way but i do have the ability to stand back when i need to. obsession to me would be more like not being able to leave him alone if he asked me to lol and he doesnt . so my question to you is why do you care?

Ask me anything

confusion .

2010-03-01T12:15:00.001-08:00

formspring.me

2010-02-25T13:33:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan

formspring.me

2010-02-24T15:02:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan

blogger meet tumblr :)

2010-02-23T12:41:00.001-08:00

i told you i was comin !

dontbesimple.tumblr.com

formspring.me

2010-02-23T12:30:00.003-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jellieeebeaan